Author: Aimee Eddy

     Your mind races. Thoughts fill your head, drowning you in anguish. You can’t stop them the dark, sad, and painful thoughts. Your mind tells you bad things, and you can’t see pass that. You don’t know how to think any other way. You’ve done it for so long that it has become natural. You feel like you can’t breathe, your heart plummets, tears fill your eyes, and silently you scream out, “Stop!” But how do you stop? Is there another way of thinking?

     The mind is a tricky thing. When it is sick, it can focus on is the bad side of everything. It plays games with you and sends racing thoughts. If there were an on/off switch to the mind, that would be a blessing, but unfortunately there isn’t. Fighting the mind is the hardest battle you will fight. It twists things around, it goes nonstop, and it tears you apart, but you can fight it.

     Most of my life I drowned in negative thinking. My mom said I needed to stop seeing the glass half empty and start seeing it half full. I didn’t know any other way of thinking. My therapist gave me charts to fill out. The charts had at the top the date, a column for negative thoughts, and a column for positive thoughts. I had to write down my negative thoughts, then change them into  positive ones. The charts weren’t big enough for the negative thoughts. I struggled to come up with a way to turn my thoughts into positive ones. It took me a while to learn how to turn my thinking around. I had to practice.

     I’ve learned to combat and change my thinking by doing the charts. I can’t say that I never think negative and I’m positive all the time. No person is positive all the time. I struggle with my mental illness daily even though I’m in recovery. The bad thoughts are not as frequent as they used to be, but they still rear their ugly heads. Especially now that I am preparing for a ninth surgery and I still must lose weight so I can keep my back healthy.

After I had my back surgery, I gained a lot of weight. I’ve been trying to lose it. I started walking two miles to work. I’ve been struggling with my diet. My friend and personal trainer is injured, and we haven’t been able to workout together as much. She keeps telling me I must do the exercises on my own, but I’m not good at keeping myself to an exercise routine. As soon as I have my surgery, I won’t be able to do as much once again. I’ll be one-handed for two to three weeks. The negative thinking has already been tormenting me.

I don’t do charts anymore, but I use my journal to change my negative thinking. Here is an example.

NEGATIVE THOUGHT:

    I’m never going to lose weight. I’m going to be a big, fat  slob the rest of my life. I’ll end up having more back surgeries and it will be all my fault because I’m lazy. I’ll gain all my weight back while recovering from yet another surgery.

POSITIVE THOUGHT:

     I will lose weight. I’ve never gave up on anything before and I won’t start now. I’m a beautiful and strong woman and I will lose the weight. I will not have more back surgeries. I’m only having surgery on my hand and it’s a minor surgery. I will still be able to walk. I will work harder on my diet and I will not gain all my weight back.

     You can also take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the Left side right negative thoughts and on the right side put positive thoughts. I’ll give you an example.

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS	POSITIVE THOUGHTS
All these surgeries are my fault. If I weren’t so fat and lazy, I would be healthier. I’m a pig and I deserve to suffer. I might as well give up.	Your Surgeries were not your fault. Most of them were caused by your job or bad luck. I do not deserve to suffer, and I am not a pig. I am a beautiful smart woman who will never give up.

     Find away that works best for you to change your thinking. It takes time to learn to turn negative into positive. After you write out the positive read it over several times. Note how it makes you feel. Do you feel calmness? Do you feel happier? Do you feel stronger? Compare how you felt when you thought negatively to how you feel when you change to think positively. Note the difference. Don’t you feel better when you change your thought into something brighter?

     I know when I write out my thoughts and I change them around, I feel like a weight being lifted off me. A peace fills me and the anguish in me lessens. Reading over the positive thoughts helps me convince myself they are true. I read them repeatedly until I believe them. It’s one thing to write them down, but another thing to truly believe that it is true. So reread your positive thoughts until you convince yourself it’s true. Try this coping technique and leave me a comment on how it helps you. You can even comment on how hard it is to do. 

     By combating my thinking and changing my thoughts into positive ones I stand with strength in the light of recovery.

     Life really stinks. It seems like all the bad stuff happens to you and you’re the only one suffering. No one else is facing what you are. They are all walking around in their happy worlds while you are sinking into deep sadness. You keep falling apart and they keep smiling. It’s not fair. Not only do you struggle with this horrible illness of the mind, but bad stuff keeps happening to you. Why go on? Why fight for happiness? Do you even know what happiness is anymore? It just hurts to live.

     It is so easy to get caught in this frame of mind. It’s hard to see anything past the negative. This type of thinking eats you up inside. It crushes you. When your mind is sick, it’s hard to see any good in life. Thinking positively is impossible. How do you change this thinking if nothing in your life is good?

     I’ve struggled with negative thinking practically all my life and at times I still do. I’m going to have my ninth surgery on July 27. That day three years ago I had a double mastectomy. Each time I have another surgery, I go to that dark place in my mind. The negative thoughts bombard me.

Why do I keep having surgeries? Is God punishing me? It’s not fair. My body is already full of scars. My husband is twelve years older than I and has never had a surgery. Why am I’m the one with all the problems? My life sucks. Bad things keep happening to me. It will never end. We won’t be able to pay our bills, and we will go bankrupt. I can’t go through another surgery. Why doesn’t anyone else have to go through as much as me?

The thoughts go on. They course throughout my soul and send me into a depression. I cry, I get angry, and I start falling into that hole I worked so hard to get out of. Is it worth it? How could I let my mind tear me down? I spent years learning to look for the positive. My therapist had me keep a journal of positive things, and she gave me charts to fill out. The charts had one side that said, “Negative thoughts” and the other one said, “Positive thoughts”. I had to write down my negative thought and change them into positive ones. I did the work, yet I still get caught up in that negative thinking.

When I was at my worst, I thought the negative thinking was all there was. My therapist taught me there are other ways to look at the bad things in our lives. I don’t have to see life’s challenges as black and white. I don’t have to live in pure darkness. Fighting my thoughts at first seemed impossible. As I worked on it, it slowly got easier.

Even though I still fall into that frame of thinking, I have techniques to help me fight it. I don’t have to let my thoughts push me down anymore. I don’t have to allow my depression to rule my life. I can rise above it.

I decided I won’t let this next surgery push me into the hole again. I will combat my thoughts. I can’t say that I won’t struggle with the negative thoughts, but I’m going to work hard to focus on the positive. You may ask what is good about having a ninth surgery? Well, I decided to list the positives.

Here is my list of five positives for having another surgery:

• My hand will no longer hurt while I write and do everyday tasks.
• I get to have three weeks off work to relax, lie in my PJ’s, watch movies, or go for a walk.
• I get to be pampered by my husband.
• I have an excuse not to cook dinner, do laundry, or other household chores.
• I can sleep in as long as I want to.

See there are good things with in the bad. Each time I start feeling down, I write five more positive things in my journal. I no longer do the charts, but I journal out all my negative thoughts. Then in my journal I turn them into positive thoughts.

     If you’re struggling with mental illness and you’re caught in negative thinkin,g seek therapy. A therapist will teach you how to change your thinking. Learning positive thinking will not be easy. It’s a battle you can learn to cope with and change. Why don’t you take out a piece of paper and write “Five Positive Things”? Then start thinking about something good like you have a place to live. At first you may only be able to come up with one thing, but as you focus and work at it, more will come. Simple things can be positive like you woke up this morning. Give it a try.

     Fighting mental illness is a constant battle, even in recovery, but while in recovery you will have many coping techniques to help you stand above the hole. Recovery doesn’t mean you’re cured; it means you have learned to manage your illness so you can live a normal life with happiness. Happiness and positive thinking are possible.

     I have three weeks to prepare for my surgery. I choose to fight the worries and negative thinking and focus on the positive. I won’t allow myself to slip into a depression. Because I fight negative thinking, the light shines in my heart.

     Last week I gave you signs of a bad therapist, and while there are many bad therapists, there are also good ones. The search for a good one can be frustrating. Some give up on their search after a bad experience. If you want to reach recovery, you must never quit looking for the right therapist. It took me several tries until I found one that helped me reach recovery. Good therapists do exist and if you want to reach recovery you must be determined in your pursuit to find the best therapist for you.

     Here are some signs of a good therapist. These are signs I have noted in my own search for help.

• Listens. A good therapist listens to your feelings and thoughts. He or she may take notes while listening. Therapist have many patients and taking notes helps them keep track of what is going on with their clients. Don’t worry if your therapist doesn’t take notes. Some have good memories. My therapist, Linda, never took notes, but each time I saw her, she seemed to remember parts of our conversations from the last session. I spilled my soul out to her, I cried, and she listened.
•  Uses your talents to help you communicate. If you can draw or write better than you can talk about your emotions, your therapist will use that to help you. Linda knew I am a writer. She gave me homework to write journal entries about my feelings and emotions. I would take my journal entry to our sessions, and we would discuss them. Then she had me keep a journal where I listed positive things in my life each day.
• Gives you homework. A good therapist will assign you things to do at home. To get better you must work at it not only at therapy, but also at home. Reaching recovery is hard work. To change your negative thinking, to build up your self-esteem, to learn to think positively, and so on, you have to work at it on a daily basis, not just when you are at therapy. Linda gave me homework with each session. Sometimes I hated her for it because what she gave me to do was not easy. I gave it my all, though, and after time it got easier.
• Teaches you healthy coping techniques. A good therapist doesn’t just listen to what you are going through, but also teaches you how to cope. Good coping techniques are the key to reaching recovery and staying in recovery. A good therapist knows that and will guide you through techniques that will help you deal with your illness. Linda taught me coping techniques that helped me handle my depression and she showed me healthy ways to cope with my internal pain without self-injuring. With her help I stopped self-injuring. The techniques she taught me helps me stay in recovery. I use them often.
• Has lots of knowledge about mental illness and the illness you struggle with. You’d expect that this would be common sense. Unfortunately, there are those bad therapists who have little knowledge of this sickness. A good therapist has a vast knowledge about mental illness and the different kinds. He or she may have books on his or her bookshelves about mental illness. There are some therapists who specializes in certain types of mental illness. A therapist isn’t all knowing but should know enough to lead you to the proper help. Linda had a bookshelf in her office full of books on mental health. She knew a lot about the illnesses I have and how to help me fight them.
• Has away to contact them when you need him or her. A good therapist has a number you can leave a message on or a on call person to contact if you need them after hours. While you are going through a rough time it is reassuring you can reach out to get help. They will never give you their home number, but they will give you a number where you can leave messages or where you can talk to someone who can contact them for you. Linda had a number where I could leave messages. She checked it frequently. I had to use it several times. She always called me back and she helped me through some very difficult times.
• Shows compassion and cares about you. A good therapist shows you compassion and cares about you as a person. When you’re in therapy you build a relationship with your therapist. Your therapist becomes like a friend. She cares not only about helping you get better, but about you as a person. Linda was more than a therapist to me. She was my friend. Her children were born around the same time as my nieces. I could tell she cared about me and she showed me compassion. Now I am no longer in therapy and she moved on to a different type of therapy I miss her. I wish I could still talk to her, but I know that is not possible. I will always cherish her.

These are only a few signs of a good therapist. There are many more. If you search the internet, you can find sites that can guide you in finding the right help. Do your homework and be persistent. Finding a good therapist will help you reach recovery and what he or she teaches you will keep you in recovery. There is no cure to mental illness, but with the right medication, therapy, and coping techniques you can find happiness and learn how to handle your illness. Don’t give up there is a good therapist out there waiting to help you.

Linda was the best therapist I ever had. I went to her for many years and with her help I reached recovery. I could never thank her enough for what she taught me. I stand in recovery with strength and techniques to keep me above the hole of sadness.

     Just as there are good and bad doctors, there are good and bad therapists. There are many good ones, but you must search for them. I have dealt with several bad therapists and it took me time to find the right one who helped me reach recovery. It’s easy to give up and become disappointed in your search for the right one, but don’t give up.

     I have put together a list of signs of a bad therapist. These are things I have faced in my search for help. Read over them and keep the list close by while searching for a therapist.

     Signs of a bad therapist:

• Tells you to think happy thoughts or watch a funny movie. Mental illness isn’t fixed by thinking happy or watching a movie that makes you laugh. You wouldn’t need help if the road to recovery were that easy. I had a therapist that continually told me to think happy thoughts. I left each session feeling frustrated, and after a few appointments I decided to look for a new one.
• Doesn’t challenge you or teach you ways to help yourself. If the therapist doesn’t give you homework or teach you ways to combat your negative thoughts and to cope with your feelings, he or she is doing little to help you. Part of reaching recovery is to work hard for it. Your negative thoughts and lack of self-esteem have taken years to accumulate. If you are not taught how to change them then recovery is impossible. You also need to learn how to cope with your illness. Coping techniques will help you reach recovery and stay in recovery. I’ve had a therapist who just sat, listened, and took notes. I felt like I was at a standstill. I wasn’t improving and had no idea how to get better. I had to decide to search for better help.
• Tells you long stories about her or his own problems and give you little time to focus on yourself. You go to therapy to work on yourself and to focus on your mental health. You’re not there for your therapist’s stories or his or her problems. You are there for yourself and you must come first. Therapy is your time to be selfish. You’re there for you to get better. You can’t find recovery if your sessions are dragged on by your therapist’s stories and problems. The therapist’s job is to put all his or her time into helping you. One therapist I went to told me her problems. She would go into a long story about something that happened in her life. By the time she was done talking, there was little time for me and solving my problem. I felt my therapy sessions were useless. I was angry. I didn’t go to her to hear stories. I wanted help and I wasn’t getting it. Of course, I had to search for a better therapist.
• Falls asleep while you’re talking or doesn’t seem to be paying attention. Your therapist’s job is to listen to you. If he or she seems distracted, then he or she isn’t listening. How can a therapist help you if he or she doesn’t pay attention to what is bothering you? You can’t reach recovery if your therapist falls asleep and doesn’t listen. By hearing your worries, thoughts, and fears a therapist can give you techniques on how to cope and fight your illness. Someone I care for went to a therapist who dozed off as he talked. I encouraged him to leave the therapist.
• Tells you that you are causing your problems for attention. You are not to blame for your mental illness. It’s not all in your head. A therapist should know that and should never tell you that you are causing your own illness. Mental illness is like any other illness. It is caused by chemicals malfunctioning in your brain. You have no control over it just like a person has no control over cancer. When I was self-injuring, I went to a therapist who told me I injured to hurt others and to gain attention. Each time my mom picked me up from therapy, I cried. I felt guilty for causing pain to my family on purpose. When I told my mom about this she searched long and hard for better help for me.
• Makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed after your appointments. A therapist must never make you feel ashamed or embarrassed by your illness and the things you do while you are sick. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have an illness just like any other illnesses. A therapist’s job is to encourage you, not to make you feel bad about things you have done while you are sick. He or she should teach you ways to forgive yourself and find coping techniques, so you don’t repeat those actions. The therapist who told me I was injuring for attention also made me feel ashamed of being sick. This only made my illness worse.

If your therapist has any of these signs, it’s time to search for a new one. Don’t get frustrated and give up on your search for help. Be patient. Unfortunately, there are many bad therapists out there and finding the right one is not easy. Don’t let this sway you from seeking help because there are good ones out there. It’s like finding a doctor; you have to look around until you find one that suits your needs best. You may not always agree with your therapist’s advice, and a therapist could be good, but your personalities may clash. Don’t give up. The right one is out there.

     After dealing with several bad therapists, I found a real good one who became like a friend to me. I confided in her like she was my best friend, and she helped me reach recovery. She taught me much of what I write about in my blog posts. She calls me one of her success stories. Even though I no longer need therapy, I hold her deep in my heart.

     Because I didn’t let bad therapists stop me from seeking the proper help, I stand strong in the light of recovery.

     Everyone wants to feel beautiful inside and out. Having good self-esteem and liking our body aren’t easy tasks when you have depression and have been through a double mastectomy. It’s hard to look in the mirror and like that imperfect body. A body that for years you hated, a body that was robbed of the very things that defined you as a woman, and the body with extra pounds, scars, and other imperfections. I spent most of my life hating how I looked.

     As a kid, bullies ripped at my self-esteem, and then depression led to self-hate. I always thought I was the ugly one out of the three sisters. My oldest sister worked for hours on her hair, makeup, and style. She was always beautiful, and I was plain and ugly. I was a tomboy who had unruly hair and hated makeup. My younger sister was skinny and beautiful also. I envied them both.

     I never felt beautiful until I met my husband. From the first time I met him, he told me how pretty I was. No man had ever told me that before. He made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life and still does, but there are still times I look in the mirror in disgust. Each time I put myself down my husband stops me and insists I say, “I’m beautiful.”

     When I had my mastectomy, my self-image was shattered. It took time to accept my loss and to love myself as a woman without breasts. It was a struggle. My husband kept telling me how gorgeous I looked, but I didn’t feel that way. Before my surgery, I saw a customer who had a double mastectomy and thought, “She looks ugly.” She looked beautiful, but when I looked at her, I was picturing myself without breasts and I didn’t like what I envisioned. After surgery I couldn’t look at my chest or at myself in the mirror. It took time, but eventually I began to think of myself as a lovely, flat-chested woman.

     Since my surgery I worried about how I would look in a swimsuit. I’m not an avid swimmer-I can’t even swim-but I love going into pools and to the lake. Last year Lou and I stayed in a hotel with a pool. I put on my suit for the first time. I didn’t feel comfortable in it. I once had breasts to fill out the front of it and the breast area was empty and kind of looked awkward.

I didn’t put a swimsuit back on until I went to North Carolina to my sister’s home. I got in her hot tub and in their neighbors’ pool feeling uncomfortable and ugly. The top just didn’t fit right. Even though no one cared, I cared. It mattered to me how I looked. I wanted to feel beautiful in a swimsuit again.

When I got home from my trip, I had some extra money left over, so I made an appointment with a store that specialized in bras and swimsuits. They carried products for mastectomy patients. I wanted a friend to go with me to give me some input on how I looked, but all my friends were busy. My closet friend, Cheryl, who lives miles away, suggested I send her pictures through text.

I went to my appointment with my cell phone in hand. A woman helped me pick out four swimsuits in my size. She took me to a changing room with a chair and long mirror. I tried on a suit with white stripes and a skirt that hung over the bottom. I took a picture and sent it to Cheryl. The lady came in with pads. She showed me that there were pockets in the breast area to put them in. They filled out the bra area of the suit. Cheryl texted, “Cute.”

Next, I tried on a dark blue suit. The front part hung lower and revealed parts of my scars. I took a picture and sent it. I cracked the door and the lady helping me came in. She shook her head and said, “That one is not for you.” Cheryl thought the suit was cute, but liked the first one better. In the picture she couldn’t tell that my scars were showing. I didn’t feel beautiful in it. I’m not embarrassed by my scars, but I don’t want to show them off. That suit was a definite no.

The third one was a black one and the front hung even lower than the blue one. My scars were fully exposed. I felt ugly. My scars are a symbol of a battle I fought and won, but seeing them revealed by something that’s supposed to make me look pretty made me feel awful. Cheryl agreed that suit wasn’t for me.

The fourth suit I put on was all red and fully covered my chest. The pads made it look like I had small breasts. Cheryl commented, “Sexy Baywatch lifeguard. It looks flattering on you.” I agreed with her. For the first time I felt beautiful in a swimsuit. I stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes. I felt sexy and couldn’t wait to take it home and model it on for my husband. To make it even better, the suit was on sale.

It wasn’t a matter of buying a suit that I would use frequently, but instead it was a need to feel beautiful and sexy in a swimsuit again. I may only use the suit a couple times this summer, but at least I know when I wear it, I will look good. When I tried it on for my husband, he said I looked sexier than Pamela Anderson. Just to hear him say that meant the world to me.

Sometimes we need to do things that help us feel good even if it’s buying a dress or swimsuit, you may wear once in a while. Liking your body image is not easy, but it is possible. Find your special style or thing that makes you feel good. Tell yourself “I’m beautiful” daily. If you keep a journal, write it in there each day.

Soon I hope to go to the beach wearing my new swimsuit, looking like a sexy lady. Buying this suit boosted my self-esteem and has helped me stay in the light of recovery.

This week I’m in North Carolina celebrating my niece Autumn’s graduation from high school. Since I’m away there is no post. I hope you all are working hard at reaching recovery or working at maintaining your recovery. Remember recovery is possible.

    This week’s interview is with a dear friend who has become like a sister to me. When I was at my worst, she was at my side whenever I needed her, no matter what time of the day it was. When I was sick, I was so engulfed in my illness that I never knew until years later that she too suffered with mental illness. Now that I’m in recovery we have become a support system for each other. I can finally be at her side when times are hard for her like she was at mine when I was at the bottom of my hole.

     This week’s interview is with Cheryl Miller. 

What type of mental illness do you have and what are the symptoms?

I have anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder with mixed emotional features. My symptoms are sadness, irritability, panic, and sometimes uncontrollable rage. 

What type of help or therapy did you get for your illness?

I have taken medication for many years and have been to therapy as well to help. I currently am not seeing a therapist, but I know I can go back to see my therapist when I need to.

Can you describe what it has been like to struggle with your illness?

Sometimes I feel symptoms without even knowing why I am feeling them. Then it frustrates me more and tests my ability to stay above it all.

When did you realize you had an illness and what did you do when you discovered it?

I realized something was wrong with me when I was younger, in my early twenties. I cussed out my father and did not feel afraid to hit him back if he were to hit me. I have always been respectful to both my parents, so doing that was very out of the ordinary for me. I made an appointment with a doctor right away and ended up starting on medications for depression and anxiety. 

What advice do you give to others struggling with mental illness?

 My advice is to seek out help, find a good therapist, and try medications. Make sure you surround yourself with a good support system as well.

 If in recovery, what steps do you take to stay in recovery?

To stay in recovery, I make sure I take my medication as directed, and use my coping skills I have learned in therapy. I will seek therapy if I ever feel I am falling out of recovery. I also lean on my support system and on God. Also, getting back into crafting has helped a lot too. 

What motivates or motivated you to reach recovery?

My motivation to stay in recovery is first and foremost my children. Even though they are now both adults, I still want to be able to be as present as possible in their lives and to be the best mom and friend to them that I can be. 

Who has been your support system through your illness?

My support system includes friends and some family members that I can talk to when I need a listening ear and sometimes even some advice. 

How has you family reacted to your illness?

My family has been very supportive of me doing my best to stay in recovery. They are always there for me when I need them. 

What are some coping techniques do you use?

Some coping techniques I use are holding an ice cube in my hand, the grounding technique (I use this one the most), talking with someone, whether it be friend or family member, or even a therapist. Crafting also really helps calm my nerves and helps me focus on something fun rather than my thoughts. 

Cheryl Millers Bio.

I was born and raised in Erie, PA. I have been living in upstate New York for about 15 years now. I have two beautiful children who are now 22 and 18 years old that I love to get together with as often as possible. I live with my boyfriend of 12 years. I love to make crafts to decorate my home with and I am a Steelers fan. 

    To change others’ views of mental illness and to combat stigma, it is important to tell our mental health stories. Our stories can teach, inspire, and help others. This blog has been about my experiences with mental illness. I have now decided to interview others with mental illness so that I can share their views and stories.

     I interviewed Teresa Richardson. Teresa is the wife of a friend of my husbands. I never met her but have talked to her through instant messenger. Like me she has battled mental illness and has a compelling story to tell.

     Here is my interview with Teresa.

What type of mental illness do you have and what are the symptoms?

I have PTSD and am also borderline bipolar depression. I do suffer from anxiety and some depression. I started with symptoms of just not wanting to wake up, loss of appetite, couldn’t sleep right, and also gained weight from trying to replace my happiness with food.

Can you describe what it has been like to struggle with your illness?

I have my good days and bad days. Lately I’ve been back to struggling with it more since dealing with my mom trying to give up. On my bad days I just want to shut down and crawl in a hole.

What type of help or therapy did you get for your illness?

I tried therapy and meds at Stairways (A mental health program with therapist and psychiatrist) for eight years. The therapy just seemed like all they wanted to do was put a band aid and find everyone else to blame for what I did and why I was ill.

What steps did you take or are you taking to reach recovery?

I took many steps and still am taking steps in coping. I have found several support groups on Facebook and I also take time to exercise. I take time to just go into a book or music and vegetate and clear my thoughts.

When did you realize you had an illness and what did you do when you discovered it?

I really didn’t realize it until about ten years ago when I lost a daughter and just couldn’t function in regular life. I reached out to a friend who was working in MADD (as it was a drunk driver that killed my daughter fifteen years ago).

What advice do you give to others struggling with mental illness?

The only advice I can say is, look into all aspects and therapy. There are so many new ways that aren’t using medications if medication isn’t an option you want. Exhaust all other roads. There are many natural remedies and many ways to deal and cope.

What motivates or motivated you to reach recovery?

I was motivated to change as I got tired of feeling worthless.

What types of challenges have you faced because of your illness?

I face different challenges but the main one is getting up and having a positive outlook on the day.

How has your family reacted to your illness? 

My family has not dealt well with it.

How does your illness affect your ability to work?

It used to cause a high level of apprehension and anxiety, making it  difficult to deal well with the public.

What is it like to function in society while struggling with your illness?

I don’t deal well with too many people. Society tends to blame the person suffering or tell them to just get over it. That doesn’t happen to a person dealing with mental illness and I hope to actually find a way to help those in a group I am trying to get approved by Facebook.

What are some coping techniques you use?

I use music and just keep myself busy when my mind wants to fall back into old habits.

Teresa’s Richardson’s Bio:

I’m a mom, grandma, wife, daughter, friend, and sister to many. I work as a cashier at a grocery store but not a whole lot of hours. Eventually I want to get my degree in social services and see where that will lead. I am forty-six years old and am now trying to plan for retirement. I am just going for my driver’s license because it has become a necessity. I take care of my husband who has had several surgeries and we try to stay active with yard saling, and just doing what we can together. My hobbies are few because I do not leave myself a whole lot of time to do things. I do for everyone else and sometimes it burns me out, but I like to listen to country, 80’s, R&B music. I love to walk and stay active. So, in short just looking to better myself and my future. This is me in a nutshell and I am who I am so people can take me or leave me. That’s their choice. If people choose to stick with me, I can be the best friend that will become a root, but also know I can’t do toxic relationships anymore. I’ve had too many in my life and choose to be better than that.  

     Please leave Teresa a comment. Give her your support. If you want to share your story, please contact me. Leave me a message saying you would like to be interviewed.

    I have struggled with my learning disability whole life. I faced bullying because of it, and I had to work around it to succeed in high school and college. To get my degree in college, I had to see a specialist to prove I had a learning disability to receive a wavier for a class I couldn’t pass so I could graduate. It’s been a burden and a challenge. It has also made editing my own memoir difficult.

     In high school I couldn’t spell well. I had a bad spellers dictionary and other tools to help me with it. I continued to write even though I couldn’t spell, and in time I got better at it. Now my difficulties are understanding adjectives, pronouns, and adverbs. I have a hard time figuring out when to use a comma, how to reduce repeated words, and understanding the basics of grammar. In writing a memoir we use “I” which is called first person. I use that word way to often and I can’t figure out how to correct it.

     I could easily give up editing my memoir and allow my learning disability to defeat me, but I’m not a quitter. I have taken my manuscript to my Pennwriters group. They critique it and give me their feedback. First, I just brought it to the second and forth Saturday groups while I was writing it. While I was recovering from surgery, I decided to try the Thursday night groups via Zoom. This group is called Fellowship of the Quill and they meet each Thursday.

     This group has been extremely beneficial in helping me edit my manuscript. They show me where to put those commas, they give me suggestions on how to fix grammar errors, and so much more. Yet I still struggle with how to reduce those repetitive “I’s”. My friend Amy Bovaird told me it’s just a matter of rephrasing the sentences. I sit for hours staring at my screen trying to figure out how to fix them. I get frustrated.

     The old negative self-doubt settles in. The scars of being bullied never go away. Sometimes the old thinking that I learned in school starts playing in my head. The “You’re dumb,” “You’re a failure,” and “You can’t do anything right” thinking resurfaces. Sometimes I feel like I still must prove myself even though I have already done that. With that comes the depression trying to sneak its way in.

     It’s taken me a year or so to edit my memoir. I have worked so hard at it. I’ve struggled with it and have put my all into it. I faced my self-defeating thoughts head on, and I have argued with them. Several times I have wanted to give up, but my friends and husband refuse to let me. They remind me how far I have come.

Before I wrote my memoir, I told everyone I couldn’t write a book length manuscript. I swore I could only write short stories. Everyone encouraged me to give it a try and now I have written 397 pages and 86,850 words. It took me four years to write it, but I did it. How can I give up after all that just because I struggle with self-editing? I’m not a quitter, right? I must push forward. I can’t let negative thinking, a learning disability, and my mental illness stand in my way.

This past Thursday I brought my last chapter to The Fellowship of the Quill. I consider this a great accomplishment. The editing process isn’t finished, but I have completed the first round of editing. I finished the self-editing. I have to go through and do some corrections suggested by the group, but I made a big step. I didn’t give up despite my challenges. I pushed forward.

Once I’m done going though the groups feedback and polishing up my manuscript to the best of my abilities it will go to a professional editor. There is still a lot of work to be done to get my work in progress ready for publication. The journey isn’t over, but I’m in it for the long run.

I have been dreaming since high school to hold my own published book in my hand and I am determined to make that possible. I even have a publisher I plan to send it to that publishes memoirs. If they don’t accept it, I will find another publisher. Just because I have a learning disability and mental illness doesn’t mean I can’t make my dreams come true. They are only obstacles I must work around to accomplish my goals.

Don’t let your disability stand in your way of pursuing a dream. You can make your dreams come true if you are determined. There is always a way around those challenges you struggle with. Disability doesn’t mean you can’t do something. Take off the “Dis” and you have “ability.”

My friend Amy Bovaird always says, “Disabilities is abilities.”

Despite our disabilities we have many abilities. You just need to look deep inside you and find those special things you can do.

Because I refuse to give up, I am making my dream come true. Soon I will be dancing in the light holding my published book.