Author: Aimee Eddy

     Do you want to reach recovery from depression? I mean, do you seriously want to climb out of the dark hole and bathe in the light of recovery? If you genuinely want to get better, then you must take steps towards the light. You can’t do that by sitting at the bottom of your hole dwelling on the sadness that has blanketed your soul. To start the climb towards the light of recovery, you must start out small and in time these steps will grow. But first let’s start with small steps.

     When I was struggling with depression, I took many small steps that helped me on my journey to recovery. The small steps are very important to the recovery process and need to be taken seriously. Below is a list of small steps that helped me reach recovery.

1. Pick a set time to get up in the morning. If I didn’t set my alarm clock for ten A.M. when I was depressed, I would sleep all day. I had to force myself to get out of bed; by doing this it kept me from using sleep to escape my inner sadness. It was much easier to sleep all day than deal with my inner anguish. Pick a time in the morning to get up. Set an alarm clock and make sure you get out of bed. If it helps, plan an activity to do when you get up. That would give you a reason to get out of bed.
2. Set a reasonable time to go to bed at night and use relaxation techniques to help you sleep. For me nights were the worst. That’s when my worrying thoughts raced through my head. I would stay up late watching television or reading to avoid going to bed. By morning I was even more exhausted and more likely to stay in bed. I started setting a certain time to go to bed. I listened to relaxing music and tried relaxation techniques. When I still couldn’t sleep, I talked to my psychiatrist and he put me on medication that helped me sleep. With a good night’s rest, I had more energy to get up in the morning. So, pick a time each night to go to bed. If relaxation techniques don’t help calm your mind and body, then talk to your psychiatrist about medications that can help you get a restful night’s sleep.
3. Find an activity or craft to do to keep you busy. When I was depressed, I stopped writing for a while. I lost faith in my writing. So instead of writing, I did crafts like cross-stitching and woodburning. Keeping myself busy helped keep my mind from racing. My family got many of my crafts as gifts for holidays and birthdays. Find something you like to do that will keep your mind busy like crafts, reading, exercise, crossword puzzles and so on.
4. Take time to take care of your personal hygiene. When I was depressed, I stopped showering regularly and combing my hair. I looked the way I felt, awful. My hair became an oily mess. It stuck up in places and looked unkempt. I was just too lazy to shower regularly. When I made an effort to shower every day and brush my hair, I started to feel better. Feeling better on the outside helped me feel better on the inside. Take the time to take care of your hygiene. It will help you feel better.
5. Keep appointments with your psychiatrist and therapist. I tried hard to keep my appointments, but at times I felt like going was hopeless, so I would cancel. I wasn’t helping myself at all by not going. Without my therapist to talk to, I kept many of my feelings deep inside me and they ate at me. By missing my psychiatric appointments, I was making it hard for my psychiatrist to find the right medication for me. These two appointments are the most important to help you reach recovery. Make sure you keep these appointments unless you have a good reason to cancel like you have the flu.
6. Keep track of when you need to take your medication and make sure you take it. I often forgot to take my medication and sometimes when I had to take it at a certain time I’d forget. One time I went several days without my antidepressants and I had a major break down. I smacked my sister-in-law, and I cried and screamed. It made the symptoms of my depression worse. Once I got back on my medicine, I was able to handle the symptoms of my illness better. When I forgot to take my medicine at night, I would be up all-night trying to sleep. Make sure you take your medicine each day and at the times of day you’re told to take it. Get pill boxes that have days of the week and ones with day and night on them. Set an alarm in your phone to remind you when to take them. If they are not helping, don’t stop taking them without your psychiatrist’s instructions.

Use these small steps to help you start your climb out of the hole of your depression. Recovery is possible, but it is not an easy journey to make. Start with small steps; in time when you feel stronger start taking larger steps. Keep reaching higher and higher until you are above the hole standing in the light.

     I used these steps to help me reach recovery. Because I started small and I took my time I am now standing in the light of recovery smiling.

     With depression there are things in your life that can trigger a bad episode. The world around us is full of trials, tribulations, and triggers. Triggers are the things in a person’s life that brings on strong emotions that send a person struggling with depression down that dark hole. Triggers are different for each person. No two persons’ struggles with depression are exactly alike and it’s the same with triggers.

     As I’ve written in past posts, I’m dealing with degenerative disk disease and narrowing of the spine. I have been struggling with shooting pain that nearly brings me to my knees. When I sneeze, cough, or move wrong suddenly I have a pain that nearly doubles me over. Thanks to physical therapy, the shooting pain hasn’t been as frequent, but it is still bad. I’m struggling; I struggle through work, I struggle doing housework, and I struggle to sleep comfortably at night.

     My doctor’s office nurse scheduled me with a neurologist around three weeks or so ago. I worried, I prepared, and worried some more. My mind raced and my insides twisted. What if the doctor says I need back surgery? That would be my eighth surgery. I couldn’t go through another surgery. What if he puts a shot in my back and it is very painful? What if I can’t function after a shot and have to call off work? The worries went on and on.

     The night before my appointment I struggled to calm my nerves and anxiety. I felt sick to my stomach. In my head I went over questions I had for the doctor and that night I struggled to sleep. Then early the next morning my cell phone rang. The doctor was called into the OR and my appointment needed to be rescheduled for the following week. My heart plummeted. I felt myself falling into that dark hole again.

     Inside I was screaming, “I need to know now what can be done for my pain! I can’t wait for another week! How am I going to control my worries? I can’t do this.”

     My support team came to my rescue. My friend Cheryl reminded me to keep busy and stay positive. My friend Amy suggested I write five positive things about my day in my journal. My husband reassured me everything will turn out well and he held me while I cried. My parents listened to me and assured me they and their church were praying for me. My friend Denise walked with me while I went on about my frustrations and encouraged me.

     I couldn’t stop the worries for the following week until my next appointment. The anguish of waiting, wondering, and worrying started over again. The emotions ran wild. I went from sad to frustrated to crying. The hole of depression was pulling me down into its darkness. My anxiety was on high. I struggled to keep myself calm so I wouldn’t get sick. The night before the appointment I again struggled with my thoughts, anxiety, and sleep. My husband kept telling me to think of something good so I could sleep, but I found that a struggle. Then once again in the morning the phone rang to cancel my appointment and reschedule it again.

     I cried in my husband’s arms. They can’t do this to me again! Didn’t they know I was in pain! How could I wait again? How could I start the emotional turmoil over again? When will I get answers? This time the next appointment would be three days later. I could handle that, right? It isn’t as long of a wait this time. My husband and I had fun things planned and that would keep me busy. Even though I had a fun time with my husband, the worry that the appointment may be canceled again ran through the back of my mind.

     The morning of my third appointment I woke up early. My stomach was upset, and my thoughts raced. What if my appointment is canceled again? How much longer can I suffer? What if the doctor scheduled me for the wrong day? What if I get sick and can’t go to my appointment? What if my back never gets better and I have to live my life like this? They are going to cancel. I just know it. I can’t do this. I tasted the acid from my stomach in my throat, and sure enough they canceled again.

     I cried. My chest throbbed and my throat felt like someone jammed his fist down it. Depression pulled me further into the dark hole. My emotions ran through me so powerfully I ached from the inside out. I felt like I was falling apart. I couldn’t handle another kick in the stomach again and yet they kicked me anyway. I was holding my self together with little bits and pieces of the strength I had left.

     My husband looked at me. “This crap has to end. That is it; call your family doctor now and see if they can find you another doctor.”

     I called my doctor and they told me who they were sending a referral to and gave the phone number. I called the place and they said they were still waiting for the referral. I waited until the next day and called them again. The receptionist told me they didn’t have any appointments available until September or October. I asked to be put on a waiting list. Then I hung up and cried.

     My mind screamed, “I can’t wait that long! I can’t go through this any longer! I’m in terrible pain! Doesn’t anyone care?”

     A co-worker suggested I go to Cleveland Clinic. When I told my psychiatrist I was thinking about going to Cleveland Clinic, he told me they are fast and good. Finally, I had some hope. I called after my appointment. A man registered me and gave me a number to call the next morning. I called the following morning and had my MRI results sent to them. They told me they will call in one to two business days with an appointment. The worrying begins again. Will this work out? Or will this be another disappointment?

     For the next few days, I will journal each day and write five positive things. I will lean on my support team, I’ll walk with my friend, and pray each day that things will work out this time. This whole ordeal has triggered my depression, and I must fight it and cope with it. If I don’t, I will fall all the way down that hole again. The trick is to stay busy until I hear from Cleveland and to stay positive.

     Life is full of triggers to depression. Figure out what your triggers are and try to avoid them. If you can’t avoid them, then find healthy ways to cope. Make sure you have a support team to lean on to help you through your difficult time. If you have a therapist, he or she can help you find coping techniques to face the trigger and get past it. Triggers don’t have to destroy your journey toward recovery or send you back down the hole again. It’s all right to have depression episodes from time to time. It’s up to you to take control and keep it from throwing you all the way to the bottom of the hole.

     Hopefully by the time I post this, I will have an appointment. Until then I will fight my depression, lean on my support system, and cope. By doing these things, I will in time be standing in the light once again.

     Those with treatable mental illnesses often dream of getting to a point when the illness doesn’t control their lives. They want to see sunshine instead of pure darkness. They want an end to their agony, but they often fear it doesn’t exist. It is hard to see past the torture a sick mind puts a person through, but recovery is possible. Some people with mental illness live happy and successful lives. If you want to reach recovery, you must set some goals for yourself. Having goals gives you something to reach for and fight for.

Recovery takes time, but having goals makes the steps obtainable. Here are a few goals you may want to keep in mind in your journey towards recovery. These goals helped me reach recovery.

The goals are:

1. Choose someone to confide in about what is going on inside you. This is the most important goal. If you want to get better, you must tell someone you trust that you are struggling. The first person I told was my mom. Because I told her, she went out of her way to help me find help. Find someone you trust and tell him or her what is happening within you he or she can help you find the right path to recovery.

• Find a good therapist you feel comfortable with. Not all therapists are good at their jobs and not all therapists’ personalities matches with yours. The first therapist I had accused me of self-injuring to hurt my family and friends. One therapist told me stories about her life when I told her my problems. She was nice, but I felt she wasn’t helping me. I did find a therapist I could tell my deepest secrets to and who became like a friend. She even came to my wedding. If your therapist gives bad advice or you don’t feel comfortable with him or her keeping looking until you find the right one.

• Find a psychiatrist that is good and knows medications well. Like therapists, there are good and bad psychiatrists. I had one who over medicated me to the point I felt out of it. I also had one who took me off all my medications at once and that sent me into withdrawal. A friend recommended a psychiatrist who knows his medication well. He worked hard at finding the right antidepressant that works for me. When I needed to change medication, he gave me instructions on how to wean off the medicine so I wouldn’t go through withdrawal. Finding the right medication for you is a rough process and can be made harder by a psychiatrist who doesn’t wean you off meds or gives you too much. Finding a good psychiatrist is an important part of the recovery process.

• Get rid of unhealthy relationships. When I decided I wanted to work towards recovery, I realized I had to end negative friendships. So, I ended a friendship with a woman and her sister who saw the bad side to everything. Her sister was the type of person who took advantage of my friend and me. I decided I needed to surround myself with positive people who could give me a healthy and supportive friendship. This also goes for significant others. If your relationship is unhealthy, end it.

• Build a good support system. When I was working towards recovery, I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I needed friends and family who I could talk to when I was at my lowest. My parents stood beside me when at times I put them through a lot. I had a good friend who I could talk to anytime I needed to. Now I have a wonderful husband, my family, and a handful of friends who I can turn to when I need someone to listen to me or to use my blog posts to help me. Choose people you trust who are willing to learn about your illness to be a part of your support system.

• Know your limits and maintain them. I tried to go to college full time while struggling to handle my mental illness. In time I had to admit I was working beyond my limits and I had to take a year off from college. When I did return to college, for my well being I had to go part time. It took me longer, but it was what I could handle with my illness. I work part time because I know that emotionally and with my anxiety working full time is too much for me. When I get over stressed, I start having anxiety attacks and I become very emotional. Knowing your limits and maintaining them will help prevent you from becoming overwhelmed.

• Make it a priority to fight every day to reach the light. I made it my goal to give the journey to recovery all I had in me. I had to dig deep down inside me to fight for recovery. It’s not an easy battle, but if you’re not willing to put all it takes into it, you will fail. I made it my priority to fight each day even when I felt like giving up. I did the homework my therapist gave me, I worked hard on changing my thought process, and I worked on learning to love myself. The fight was and is worth it. I’m in recovery. I still fight, but it has gotten easier. The fight will not be effortless, and you never stop fighting even in recovery, but it is worth it. Make fighting for recovery a part of your daily routine.

Copy these goals or make your own. Use them to help you reach your ultimate goal, recovery. Recovery is possible with a lot of work and with goals to guide you. Your life doesn’t have to be dominated by a sick mind. You can take control of your illness instead of it controlling you. You can find happiness and live a successful life. Recovery is possible.

     I set myself goals and I am now laughing and smiling in the light of recovery.

     Finding the right therapist for you is a process of elimination. You must search for someone whose personality is pleasing to you, and one whom you feel comfortable with. I went through several therapists until I found the right one. The problem is, there are good ones and bad ones. I had my share of bad ones and I have also had good ones.

     When my mother first found out about my illness, she took me to a therapist in a nearby town. The therapist told me I was injuring myself for attention, and by doing that, I was hurting my family and friends. I went home after therapy crying. Years later, I went to a therapist who told me to think happy thoughts and my depression would go away. Another one listened to what my ex-boyfriend told her and lectured me instead of hearing my side.

     I felt like giving up, but I kept searching. I knew I couldn’t get better without help. When I was in college, my Mom went to a hospital with mental health services, and they gave her a number for counseling services. I found a therapist who educated me about depression and helped me battle my illness.

     Years later when my ex-boyfriend left me, I went to a therapist who gave me homework, allowed me to write down my thoughts, and helped me reach recovery once again. I continued to see this therapist until recently when she changed jobs. She helped me through many rough times and taught my husband about my illness.

     In order to make therapy work, I had to develop a bond with my therapist. I had to feel comfortable telling her my deepest, darkest secrets. To do this, I had to find a therapist whom I could trust. It took me several sessions till I felt comfortable enough with my therapist to share my life story.

     To find a therapist, look in your telephone book or search online. There are several sites that you can type in your state and they will give you a list of therapists. One site is Psychology Today at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.  Also check for state funded programs. Go to National Alliance for Mental Illness, NAMI, for help. You can find NAMI’s website under resources on the menu bar. I found a therapist through a free program offered at my job.

     Don’t give up if a therapist doesn’t suit your needs or isn’t very good. Keep searching till you find the one that is best for you. I didn’t give up, and in time I found a therapist who helped me reach the light. Once I found the therapist best for me, I worked hard, and I listened to her advice. I had to be willing to get better for therapy to work effectively. Once I put all my effort into recovery, I was able to find the light and dance within.

     When someone is facing illness, injury, or surgery, it seems like everyone has a story to tell and advice to give. Some people have had bad experiences and others have had good ones, but usually when you’re facing the problem you hear all about the bad stuff. It seems like everyone has advice on what you should do, and no one’s advice is the same. These people have good intentions. They want to help you, but they don’t realize they are only hurting you. When you are struggling with mental illness, all these experiences and advice can lead to worsening of your illness.

In a past blog post I wrote about injuring my back. One of the physical therapists thought that maybe I had a bulging disk and she told me that it could be treated by therapy. She suggested I get an MRI to get a diagnosis. I tried everything to get better. I went to my chiropractor, I took a week and a half off from work, I called my doctor who prescribed muscle relaxers and pain killers, and I started physical therapy. Everything caused more pain, so my doctor set it up for me to get an MRI.

I prayed and prayed it would just be a bulging disk and therapy would make it better. I even convinced myself that my therapist was right, and I would be fine. When the nurse from my doctor’s office called, I was devastated. She said I have degenerative disk disease and narrowing of the spine. She went on to tell me she was going to schedule me with a surgeon to discuss my options. I called my husband at work, crying, and then I called my mom, crying. I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve already been through so much. Seven surgeries and breast cancer.

I texted a family member and the response I got was, “Don’t have back surgery. Back surgeries are not good. You can go through pain management.” I told another friend and she started telling me stories of back surgeries that went wrong and caused more problems. In the first place, the last thing I wanted to think of was another surgery after I been through so many. Secondly, their stories and advice made me even more scared to see a surgeon.

The more stories and advice I heard from friends and co-workers, the more my anxiety grew, and I began to worry obsessively. What if I have no choice but to go through surgery and end up crippled? What if surgery makes my back worse and I must quit my job? I fought so hard to keep this job while struggling with mental illness and now a back injury could take it away. How could I live with this pain? If I just manage my pain, then I can’t workout anymore and I’d gain back all the weight I lost. I can’t go through another surgery. Not one that would ruin my life. The worries go on endlessly. 

The surgeon’s office called last Tuesday with my appointment day and time, July 8^th. How could I wait three weeks? What am I supposed to do for three weeks? Listen to more advice and people’s experiences? I can’t wait that long!!! I’ll go crazy wondering, “Will I need surgery or are there other procedures they can do?” I need to know now!! How do I stop worrying? How do I keep calm? I’m going to fall apart. I can’t fall apart. I came too far to lose it now. I’m going to have to go through another surgery and I’ll have to do it with Lou at home. I can’t do it without Lou. I can’t do this. I can’t have another problem.

One co-worker told me, “Join the crowd. You just have arthritis like everyone else. You’ll learn to deal with it.”

This made me feel like my pain was no big deal. The sudden shooting pains that made me nearly drop to my knees were nothing. The pains that made me cry out during the night were no big deal. One minute a family member was telling me to try pain management, and the next a co-worker was telling me my pain was normal like everyone else who was aging. I couldn’t just do nothing but learn to deal with it. I wanted to scream at her, “This is more than just arthritis. I’m suffering.”

Depression began to drag me into that hole again. The emotions ran through my body like a raging thunderstorm. I wanted to lie in bed and cry, but lying in bed hurt. The only way I can sleep in bed is with pain killers. All those people with their stories and advice meant well, but instead it hurt me. I felt like I was losing control of my mental wellbeing. I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t risk my mental health. I came up with the idea that I would from this point on only share my back problems with positive and encouraging people. For those who couldn’t provide that, I would kindly ask them to keep their negativity and advice to themselves. I also sit each night and journal my feelings.

If you are facing a situation where everyone has an experience to tell you about or advice to give you, politely ask them to stop. Tell your friends and family you need positivity and encouragement. In the end, it’s your body and your choice. Don’t let others’ attempts to help you hurt you and push you down the dark hole. Stand up for yourself and tell others what you need and only tell those who can be supportive and uplifting.

I chose that from now on I will only discuss my back problems and whatever lies ahead of me with those who will encourage me, be positive, and who will just listen. These people will hold me up in the light despite what is to come.                  

     I hope you all had a wonderful Father’s Day. Fathers are special men who raise us, who love us unconditionally, who teaches us important lesson, and so much more. A father can be the man who helped bring us into the world, a friend or uncle who’s there when you need him the most, the man who steps in when the real father is unable to, the man who raises you like you’re his own and so on. There are fathers who fail to fulfill their role and fail at being good dads. Father’s Day is for the men who put in the hard work; these are the father’s who deserve to be honored.

My dad is a special man. When we were kids, Mom stayed home and took care of us four kids while Dad went to work at the family garage. He worked long hard hours to provide for us. Mom worked hard at home taking care of us and the home while Dad worked hard fixing cars and semis. Mom and Dad were a team: they both worked hard at providing for us, loving us, and raising us. 

The family garage was a very demanding job for my dad. Sometimes Dad worked late at the garage and late into the night when he was on call. The guys of the garage took turns being on call. On call meant during the night and on days when the garage was closed, they had to go out and help someone whose car or semi broke down. Sometimes the calls came on holidays, pulling my dad away from the celebrations. Other times calls came in the wee hours of the morning depriving him of sleep.

No matter how hard my dad worked, he found time to play with us. He loved and still loves to chase us around and tickle us. All of us kids and Dad had dog piles. I was scared to be on the bottom, so I always got to be on top. Dad loved to give us piggyback rides and swing us around in circles. We had whiffle ball and kick ball games in our yard. Even Mom joined in on those. We split up into teams. We played and laughed together as a family. Dad was never too busy for us.

Dad was always a hard-working man and still is. Sitting still is a sin in his eyes. He worked so hard during the garage years it became second nature. He can’t sit still. He thinks he’s being lazy. When he went to a new job after the garage was sold, he found it too easy. He worked the job and worked on people’s private airplanes on the side.

My dad is a very handy man. He can fix just about anything. Not just cars and semis. He can fix lawn mowers, airplanes, bicycles, and more. He can also do carpentry work. He remodeled the bathroom in my parents’ home and in the home my grandparents moved into after the garage. He has put windows in my home and when one window was too big, he found a way to make it fit. He’s replaced steps on our porch and much more.

There isn’t much he can’t do. He is an incredibly talented man. Whenever my husband and I have a problem my dad comes to the rescue. He works on our car, he fixes things around our home, and he never asks for anything in return. When I was in college, I couldn’t afford nice cars, and the cars I did have always broke down on me. Dad came to my rescue and towed my car home with a chain hooked to the back of his pickup. I don’t know how many engines, transmissions, and so on he put in my cars. He was my superman coming to my rescue when my car decided to die on me.

My dad didn’t always understand my mental illness. Sometimes he lost his patience with me when as a child I had bad episodes, but he never stopped loving me. When I was in an episode, I pushed him beyond his limits. I argued with him, I called him awful names, and I screamed at him, and he still loved me. No matter how mean I was he never tuned his back on me.

When I was diagnosed with mental illness, he was supportive. He was willing to stand by me no matter what. He’s not as good with words as Mom is, but I knew he was there for me. He’d ask me if I was okay and encourage me to fight the illness. I didn’t confide in my dad like I did my mom, but he always was willing to listen if I needed him. When I wrote about my illness, he read it and it helped him understand more.

My dad is a hero. He comes to my rescue when I need him. I’m not sure what I would do without him. He doesn’t need a cape or a mask to be a superhero, he just needs to be himself. He’s very special. I can’t be any more thankful to have such a wonderful Father.

If you have a father or someone who is like a father who is always there for you, let him know how grateful you are. Don’t just spoil him on Father’s Day but spoil him every day. You don’t need to spoil him with gifts. You can give him hugs, tell him how much he means to you, and thank him from the bottom of your heart for all he does.

     With the love of my dad filling me, I stand strong in the light of recovery.

     Life is challenging. When everything seems to be going great, an obstacle gets thrown in your path and everything gets turned inside out. Sometimes you find yourself stuck in this whirlpool of frustration and disappointment. When you have mental illness, an obstacle may leave you dwelling in your dark hole, feeling like your life has ended. You can’t see around the problem. It becomes huge and overwhelming.

As I wrote in my last blog post, I am dealing with a back problem. I have been working so hard at losing weight and I have come a long way. I can run further than I ever thought I could, my asthma has improved, and for the first time in a long time I went a whole winter without getting sick. I feel stronger than I have ever felt. My self-esteem is better than it has ever been. I have lost a total of twenty-two pounds.

For the longest time I thought exercise was just an annoying chore that was recommended by doctors. I read that it helped with mental illness, but I couldn’t understand how getting hot, sweaty, and breathless can make a person feel better. I wanted to lose weight for a while, but I didn’t have the willpower to keep at it until Denise.

Someone whom I love dearly harped on how I needed to lose weight. When my husband and I visited him, he would make comments on how much I was eating and lecture me about eating healthier. I felt insulted. Like he couldn’t love me for who I am. He meant well, but he went about it the wrong way. He made me feel worse about my weight and exercise.

Denise totally changed my mind about exercise and about weight loss. She helped me look at it in a positive way. With her help, I found many benefits from working out and losing weight. I found more benefits than the physical changes. I found that working out helps you release pent up emotions. Working out the body is also working out the emotions. Denise tells me when we’re running, picture the bush at the end of the road as people cheering you on. I thought of it as people cheering me on to the victory of finishing the run and the victory of reaching recovery.

Before my back injury, my self-esteem changed, coping with my bad days changed, and my viewpoint of exercise changed. I wasn’t just losing weight, I was building a new person from the outside in. I felt great and proud of myself. Then suddenly life threw an obstacle in my path. I had a back injury. My chiropractor said no more working out, but I could still walk.

I fell a little way into that hole again. I began to feel hopeless. I feared I would gain back all the weight I had lost. All this hard work I did ruined by my back. Then the injury got worse and I started physical therapy and pain killers. I have scoliosis and am used to having back problems, but they are usually resolved with a visit to my chiropractor. I knew more was wrong because I wasn’t getting better. Instead I kept getting worse.

Then one of my physical therapists said I may have a bulging disk. I began to magnify everything. She said in most cases it’s resolved by physical therapy, but I’m not most cases. I’m the one who usually has surgery. I’m probably going to be laid up with back surgery. I worked so hard to lose that twenty-two pounds to just end up gaining it all back plus more. Everything I worked for would vanish and I would go back to the fat woman being lectured by someone whom she loved.

I felt hopeless and discouraged, but Denise didn’t give up on me. She told me to keep my chin up and we made plans to walk. Then I watched her deep in thought. It was as if I could see in her head and see her mind work like a clock. I could see the gears going around moving her arms like the hands on the face of a clock. I knew she was coming up with ideas. She asked me questions and then went deep into thought.

Then Saturday she came over to walk. We went for a nice long walk until my back started getting sore. When we returned to my house, she pulled out some rubber bands with hand grips on them. We began to do exercises that would work out my biceps, triceps, shoulders, and upper back. With each workout we did she asked me how my lower back felt. If I felt no pain, we did more reps. She kept trying new exercises until the muscles in my arms were screaming, “Denise stop torturing me.”

After our workout I felt renewed. My self-esteem was back. My mind was screaming, “I’m back! This darn injury of mine didn’t stop me.”

My obstacle no longer seemed huge. It suddenly looked like a small pebble on a smooth path. Life was no longer hopeless. I could still work out despite a probable bulging disk. I could still lose weight and build muscles in other ways. I felt strong and hopeful again. Who knows, maybe by the time by back heals, I’ll be arm wrestling my husband and winning. Maybe he’ll no longer say fleas are biting when I punch his arm.

Thanks to Denise I found a way to work around my obstacle. You can too. Life’s obstacles do not mean it’s the end of the world or that there is no hope for you. It just means you need to find a way to work around it and rise to a new challenge. Don’t give up.

If you don’t have a friend to encourage you, then look for support from deep within yourself or from your support team. Don’t look at your obstacle as a boulder you can’t get around, but as a pebble on a smooth road. A pebble you can walk around so it doesn’t get into your shoe and slow you down. Rise above your obstacle; don’t be defeated by it.

Because I have a friend who cared enough to not give up on me, I am above the hole smiling in the light.

     We live busy lives. Often, we find ourselves stressed out and on the go. There is so much to do and not enough time in the day to get it done. We get overworked and stressed out. We don’t take time to just relax and have fun. When you have mental illness, the stresses of life can bring on anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. We over think and worry about everything. It’s enough to turn our minds and souls inside out.

     Recently I hurt my lower back and hips. I started seeing my chiropractor for it. I have scoliosis, and when my back is hurting, my chiropractor usually adjusts me and in a few days I feel better. This time the pain didn’t get better. Instead it kept getting worse. My chiropractor had me take a week and a half off from work with no relief.

I called my doctor for a second opinion. She put me on muscle relaxers and light duty at work and she ordered physical therapy. Even with the muscle relaxers I kept waking up in the early mornings with intense pain shooting from my back down my hips. So, I called my doctor and she prescribed pain killers. I started physical therapy and even on light duty I struggled with pain. My mind began to race.

What if something serious is wrong? What if I need a hip replacement? I just know this is more than my usual scoliosis. I don’t want another surgery, but what if I need one to end the pain? I can’t take the pain anymore. Will I ever get better? I hurt so bad; something serious must be wrong.

The pain medication is helping me sleep through the night, but when I get up, I hurt. Working hurts. Everything hurts. I’ve been stressing out. I had to give up exercising with my friend. I can’t snuggle long with my husband. My friend Cheryl keeps telling me to stop magnifying and thinking the worse about my back and hip pain. I put a heating pad on it each night, I rub bio freeze on it, and take my medication. I feel like the pain will never get better. My body is tense, I cry in my husband’s arms, and I feel sad and hopeless. This has led to some depression. Everyday my life has been consumed with my pain and my worrying about it. I haven’t had a chance to relax.

On Thursday at work my friend Denise asked me what I was doing on Friday. I told her the only thing I had planned was physical therapy. Since we were both off, she invited me to go with her to Keystone Safari, an hour and a half away. I agreed. I’ve never been there but was excited to be asked. I needed a day away.

Denise picked me up at physical therapy at eleven a.m. and we were on the road. We talked and sang to music on the way there. At the safari we were given a cup of food and a bracelet to get more food to feed the animals. We walked around to different caged-in areas where animals were kept. We fed llama’s, goats, sheep, and pigs. We went to this one area where we were given lettuce to feed giraffes. One of the giraffes stretched its neck over the fence and ate the lettuce from my hand and then I posed next to it so Denise could take my picture.

My hip ached as we walked, but it didn’t seem to matter. For the first time in a while I felt relaxed and free from worry. I was enjoying the animals and my friend. My mind was free from racing thoughts, negativity, and worry. Denise and I talked, laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company. If it weren’t for the nagging pain in my hip, I would have totally forgot about my injury.

After we were done at the safari, we went a few miles on the freeway to an animal park called Living Treasures. There we got to go in with the goats. The goats jumped up on us begging for food. They even pulled my shorts down and I was suddenly showing off my underwear to the other guests! Instead of being embarrassed I laughed. I must have been a sight, with me trying to pull my shorts up with one hand and pushing goats off of me with the other hand.

That day was the most relaxing day I’ve had since I hurt my back and hips. I needed it. I didn’t worry about my pain or about my injury. I was free to laugh, to smile, and to be me. I didn’t want the day to end. On the way home Denise took me on a scenic route. I sat back and enjoyed the scenery. Denise took me through areas where she ran when she was in college. She told me different stories about her college days, and I enjoyed listening. When she dropped me off at home, I felt sad that the day had ended.

During our stressful lives we need days where we just have fun and forget about our worries. When we are struggling to manage our illness, we need time where we can distract ourselves from our worries, hopelessness, and racing thoughts. We need to find things to do to relax and let go. Getting away for a day, going out for a nice meal, spending time with friends, or going for a walk can help. When I was at my worst and I was living with my grandparents, my mom would come once a week to take me shopping and out to lunch.

Find something that will help you let go of your stress and anxiety. Free yourself from the chains of your illness and do something relaxing. It’s not easy, but give it a try.

Friday, a day of fun and relaxation helped me shed the darkness from my soul. It helped me rest in the light of recovery.

I was interviewed by Diva on Kulcharama and it aired today. I hope you all take the time to listen. Please leave a comment on how you felt I did or a comment about the topics I talked about.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kulcharama-diva-anniversary-special-featuring-mrs-aimee/id1476439467?i=1000477060231