Author: Aimee Eddy

It’s a very scary time for all of us. Many of us are trapped at home, only able to leave for the essentials. It’s easy to look at all the negative that the COVID-19 is causing us. It has totally turned our lives upside down and inside out. Life as we know it has completely changed. If we weren’t afraid of germs before the pandemic, we are now. We are afraid of each other. Everyone outside of our homes could potentially infect us with this deadly virus. It’s hard to find anything positive during an awful time like this.

When I was going through therapy my therapist had me look for and write down the positive things in my life. It was extremely hard to do when it felt like my life was a bottomless pit of darkness, anguish, pain, and hopelessness. She had me list the positive things in my journal. At first it seemed like an impossible task. I struggled with it. I stared at a blank page for hours on end until I wrote one thing. In time the one thing turned to two, three, and more things.

Right now is one of those bad times in our lives that we need to find something good to focus on. Below I have a few positive things that will help you look at the brighter side to this world crisis.

POSITIVES

• Immediate families that live under the same roof are spending more time together. My husband is laid off. When he was still working, he usually went to work before I got up, and by the time I got out of work, we usually had a little time together before he went to bed. But now I get to wake up each morning in my husband’s arms, and after I get out of work, we watch TV together or go for rides.
• Extra time to get housework done, to do gardening, and do home projects. Since my husband has been home, he has been able to get some of the housework done and other projects. We have lots of clean clothes and clean floors.
• Time to exercise outside, go for a walk with your pet or by yourself, or just sit on the porch. My friend and personal trainer, Denise, and I have been exercising. The days are getting warmer and sunnier and we are taking advantage of it. There is less traffic to worry about and only a few people around. My friend Cheryl tells me about how she likes to sit on her porch and watch birds.
• For those of you who are out of work, you can have PJ days. You can decide not to get dressed for a whole day or several days. My one friend told me she has spent several days lounging in her pajamas. I’m jealous. I want days where I don’t have to dress for work. Next week when I start my vacation, I’m planning to spend some days in my nightie.
• There are random acts of kindness going on in our towns, cities, and states. People are picking up groceries and prescriptions for elderly or handicapped neighbors. People are making meals for those on the front lines and so on. When my husband got laid off, friends gave us a gift of money to help us out.
• It’s a good time to put your crafty side to work. People are bored so they are working on crafts to take up their time. My friend Cheryl has made a cross out of clothespins, wreaths, and other projects. I’ve been seeing some pretty crafty masks coming through my lines. A lady and her kids came in my line with knitted masks. One had a mask with a pig face and the other had a dog face.
• You can spend time reading that book you have been meaning to read for a long time. When I’m on my ten-day vacation, I have some reading I plan to catch up on. For those of you out of work, you can sit outside on a warm day and read.
• It’s a good time to video chat with friends and family. If we can’t spend time with our friends and family, then we can video chat with them through Zoom, Messenger, and Skype. My friends Cheryl, Jane, and I have what we call, “Date night.” We watch SWAT while we are video chatting on Messenger. During commercials we catch up on what’s going on in each other’s lives. Jane shows us her kitties, I show off my dog, and Cheryl shows off her only pet, her man.

 

These are just a few good things about this crazy time. Now it is your turn. Take out a notebook or a sheet of paper. Write at the top of it, “POSITIVE THINGS IN MY LIFE.” Beneath it start listing the positive things about you being stuck at home or working on the front lines. Positive things about me working on the frontline are free lunches each day at work, customers thanking me for what I do, and gift cards from my employer. Also, since my husband is off work, I can take the car to work instead of the bus. Now you try it. Think hard. Despite how hard things are, there are positive things in your life. Start listing them. Put a few in the comments. I’d love to hear about the good things happening in your life.

Focusing on the good helps me get through each day of work during a very scary time and it keeps me standing in the light.

 

With the pandemic many people are feeling bummed about Easter. Many are quarantined, most states have a stay at home order, and we are all struggling to make it from day to day. Half of America is out of work and are struggling just to pay bills, let alone put food on the table. But Easter will go on. There won’t be a sunrise service at church, Easter egg hunts, and family get-togethers, but Easter will go on. More than ever before we need the Lord and we need to celebrate his sacrifice for us.

Easter isn’t just about getting together with family, the Easter bunny, and egg hunts. It’s much more important than those usual traditions. It’s about God sacrificing His only son to save us from sin. It’s about Jesus giving His life for mere mortals so they can be forgiven for the wrong they do. It’s about Jesus rising from the dead and ascending into heaven so we too will go to heaven when we pass. No virus can take this away from us. We have forgiveness because of the sacrifices God and Jesus made for us. How wonderful is that? It’s magnificent.

The COVID-19 can’t take away Easter from us. It has taken a lot from us, but not this special holiday. We may all be away from our families and we may not be able to get dressed in our best clothes and worship at church, but we can still celebrate. Even if you live alone or if there are just two of you, you can celebrate.

I’m a cashier. Usually this time of year just about every cart has a ham and the makings of a dinner. Instead this year people’s carts have cleaning and disinfectant supplies along with food to hold them over for a week or two so they won’t have to go out in public. There are a few hams going through, but nothing like usual. Many are saying they are not celebrating Easter. They say it’ll be just another day stuck at home.

I’ve been hoping that the count of people in Erie County would go down so my husband and I can go to my parents for Easter. Every year Mom puts together a wonderful meal. I always bring the yams. It seems to be my designated dish that I bring to each holiday. Mom always makes a bunny cake. The cake is the Easter bunny’s face with a bow and ears. The face is covered in coconut, the eyes are gumdrops, the mouth licorice, and the bow tie decorated in gumdrops. The cake is carrot cake. We usually eat it later in the day after our dinner settles. Then we talk about everything that we can think of.

This year we won’t be able to do the holiday with my parents. I bought two slices of ham, ingredients for string bean casserole, and we have boxed scalloped potatoes. I still have to figure out what we will have for dessert. After dinner, I’ll call my parents and text my other family members. Then Lou and I will sit down with the Bible and read the Easter story of Jesus’ death and resurrection. We will go online to listen to our pastor giving her sermon. Even though we can’t be with family, we will celebrate.

Times are bad in our world right now. I wake up each morning with my stomach twisted in knots. I struggle through a day of work where I face hundreds of people. Some are grateful I am working, some are mad because we are out of things, and some yell at me when I remind them to follow the rules. I fight my fear of catching COVID-19 and anxiety to make it day to day. My husband is laid off and we are trying to figure out what bills we can pay with my check and if he’ll ever get his unemployment.

In a time like this among my fears, anxieties, and worries, I need Jesus and God more than ever. I need a reminder of what God gave up for us, how Jesus suffered on the cross for us, and how Jesus rose from the dead. I need the Heavenly Father and Holy Son to make it through each day. Easter to me is a celebration of how wonderful our Heavenly Father and Holy Son are. Who else would sacrifice His son for me, a sinner? Who else would die a painful death on a cross so I would be forgiven?

Don’t give up on Easter. Celebrate it. Even if you’re by yourself, celebrate. Video chat, text or talk on the phone with family. Fix yourself a meal. Pull out the Bible and read about Jesus’s death and resurrection. Watch a sermon online and praise the Lord. Rejoice, for Jesus is a live and he will deliver us from these traumatic times.

For the first time since I worked at Giant Eagle, the store will be closed on Easter. I can’t wait to celebrate Easter with my husband and praise Jesus and God. This will help me keep going in the light of recovery.

 

 

 

A Facebook post says, “Check on your friends who suffer from depression. Being forced to stay at home and not having scheduled reasons to get dressed and leave the house can exacerbate symptoms.” This holds true for all who are suffering from this mental illness. This pandemic is putting everyone on edge. It’s enough to cause someone without mental health problems to feel down, develop germ phobias, and become emotional. Just imagine what it does to someone who is already struggling with these problems!

In Erie we have been issued a “Stay at Home Order” for over a week. The news preaches social distancing and businesses that are essential are taking measures to help enforce this. The grocery store where I work put up plexiglass around the registers and lines on the floors where customers are to stand until we call them. People are walking through the aisles trying to stay as far away from each other as they can. There is no human contact. Many are stuck in their homes only going out for things they need. It’s sad but necessary. Life as we know it has completely changed for us all.

For those suffering from mental illness, staying at home can give them a reason to stay in bed, to stop taking care of personal hygiene, to become crippled by fear, to be alone more and to self-injure. Their anxiety and panic attacks worsen. We need to look out and check up on our friends and family members who struggle with mental illness. We can’t physically checkup on them, but there are ways we can look out for them.

A fellow co-worker who has struggled with mental illness kept falling apart at work. She couldn’t handle the fear and stress of facing the public. She fell down that hole of depression, and couldn’t get out. She had to take a sick leave, so I text her as much as I can to check up on her. I want to make sure she is doing well and isn’t staying home and dipping further down that hole. Her husband is home with her but having friends who care helps.

Each day before work I struggle with anxiety attacks. A few times I went to work and got sick. I’m afraid to face the public and risk exposing myself to the Covid-19 virus. I have asthma. On television they list the people who are at high risk for this virus and people with asthma are on that list. This heightens my fears and anxiety. Before work my stomach gets upset and my hands shake. At work I wear gloves and I clean like I’m supposed to, but I worry that maybe the next customer may be infected.

When I’m off from work, I want to lie in bed all day. I don’t want to get up and hear the news tell how many more cases there are, I don’t want to wake up to my growing fears, and I just don’t want to face another day. If it weren’t for my husband urging me to get up, I would stay in bed. My husband and I go for rides and I video chat with my friends Jane and Cheryl. This helps me to keep going.

In high school I had developed a phobia of sick people. I couldn’t be around my siblings when they got a cold or the flu. I prayed every night that I wouldn’t get sick so I could get perfect attendance. It seemed like the only award I could get in school no matter how hard I worked. My fear of sick people followed me for many years. It took me a while to overcome it and with this virus the fear is back. It is terrorizing me. It makes my skin crawl. I want to hide in the house and never leave. I can’t. I have to force myself to go to work.

There are people with mental illnesses who are going through a really hard time. Some are stuck at home facing their symptoms and they are feeling helpless. Think about how you can help those people. You can look out for them from home. Video chat with them, call them, text them, or send them a gift.

There are ones on the front lines who are struggling with their illness to be there for you. Ask them how they are doing, thank them for what they are doing, and do small gestures of kindness. I have friends who brighten my day with air hugs (hug the air towards the person). Little things help. During these rough times let’s look out for each other.

I face my fears each day to serve the public. I have friends, family, and my husband checking up on me. With their help I continue to soak in the light.

 

Times are scary and rough on all of us. We are living in the middle of a suspense movie that has become a reality. People are quarantined in their homes, others are out of work, and some are working jobs that expose them first hand to the covid-19 virus. America is stressed out, scared, and depressed. It’s hard to eat healthy when most stores are out of products. Emotions are running high. When emotions are pushed to their limits, it’s easy to sit down and binge on food.

As you know I am a cashier and we are part of the front line workers of this pandemic. People need food, toiletries, medications, and so on. They come in buying cartloads of food with orders ranging from $200 and up. The lines stretch down the aisles and wraparound displays. People are unhappy because we are out of products, they are wearing masks and gloves, and they are scared. During this time I feel like I’m being pushed beyond my limits both physically and mentally.

Before all this started, I worked hard at losing 12 pounds. I was proud of myself, but now I’m finding it very hard to keep the weight off. I’m trying hard to keep to my diet, but I’m finding it difficult. After a day at my crazy job, I want to go home and pass out on my couch and eat junk food like a bag of chips, a bowl of microwave popcorn, and a package of Girl Scout cookies. It would be easy to stress eat until my nerves are decompressed.

My husband, like thousands of others, has been laid off. We applied for unemployment, but we have no idea when that will begin. We had to talk to the bank about our mortgage being late. We also had to go through our bills and see what my check will pay for and which ones we’d have to make arrangements with. I’m stressing like everyone else in this situation, but my stress heightens my anxiety and increases my worrying. I want to shut myself in the house like everyone else and eat unhealthy food.

I try hard not to eat junk food. I even reason with myself. What if I just eat one handful of chips? How about I just eat two cookies? It won’t hurt, right? Just a little junk food won’t put the weight back on. The problem is once I eat one handful I won’t stop. My best bet it to avoid it, but it’s easier just to sit and eat and eat. For some reason when I’m stressed, food seems to be comforting. It’s like I can just eat away the problems, the worries, and the stress. In reality I’d be putting on the pounds and hating how I look which only adds to my awful feelings and my stress.

The hardest time to resist eating bad is at night. Nights seem to be the time when my mind races with worries the most. When I’m at work I have fifteen minutes to eat without tasting, go to the bathroom, and punch in on time. After work when I sit in front of the television or the computer, worries pop up like an annoying ad on the computer. I stress and I want food.

Last Monday when they closed all nonessential businesses, the grocery store was so busy that it seemed like the whole city of Erie was there. I lifted numerous bags of groceries, cases of pop, cases of water, and pet food. By quitting time I was in pain. I put my back, neck, and shoulders out of place. I was in no condition to work the next day. Calling off causes me extra stress and I begin to worry. I worry about not having enough money for our bills, I worry about work getting mad at me, and I worry that my boss will think I’m faking.

While lying on the couch with ice on my back and shoulders all I could think about was junk food, but instead I ate an orange. Wednesday we went grocery shopping and I got apples, strawberries, and bananas to eat instead of junk food.

This pandemic has us all feeling stressed; some of us are trapped in our homes and it would be easy to eat junk food. When you feel like eating, grab a piece of fruit. Don’t let this drive you into unhealthy eating. While you are stocking up on food, add fresh fruits to it. If you are a stress eater don’t sit down with a bag of chips. Instead grab something healthy like fruit, rice cakes, or vegetables.

I’m not going to let the stress of fearful customers and my husband off work lead me back into bad eating habits. I’m going to stay on my healthy path and work on losing weight. This helps me feel good about myself. I’m dancing in the light of recovery as a stronger, healthier person.

First, we heard about the coronavirus in China and Japan. The news covered the many deaths it caused and told us about people flying back to the US being put in quarantine. America was on edge, but we didn’t panic. Before we knew it, the virus spread to different states in America and the news began to talk nonstop about it. Now America is in a state of emergency and mass hysteria has begun. Everyone’s ability to handle anxiety, fears, and stress is being put to the test. If you’re struggling with mental illness, you may find some of the symptoms of your illness intensified. How do you cope with your anxiety, fears, and stress?

It seems like everyone has gone crazy with fear. Panic, like we have seen on television shows, is happening in reality. People are going to the stores in droves stocking up on foods, sanitizer, disinfectants, toilet paper, and other paper products. People with germ phobias are wearing hazmat suits, masks, and gloves. Fears are running high for everyone and even more for those struggling with mental illness.

I have been working in a grocery store for nearly 25 years. I have worked through holiday madness and winter storm craziness, but this coronavirus hysteria is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I wait on endless lines of people with overflowing cartloads of groceries. My anxiety is running wild. I try to greet customers in between dry heaves. Within my mind, I try to calm myself before I have a full anxiety attack. I practice breathing in and slowly letting it out. One day after work I went to the ladies’ room to get sick.

I’m not in a panic over the virus, but the overwhelming crowds of customers have stirred up my anxiety and stress. I have come up with a few coping techniques that have helped me and may help you deal with this growing hysteria.

• Don’t watch, listen to, or read too much of the news. It’s good to keep track of what is happening in your area, but if you focus too much on the media, it will only heighten your anxiety, fears, and stress. The news goes on constantly about the coronavirus and its effects on other countries along with ours. The news is very good at hyping up situations to cause fear. I turn on the news enough to find out if the virus is in our area and then I turn it off. I watch Netflix so I won’t have to hear about it in commercials. When the news airs on the radio, I listen to it for a bit and put in a CD.
• Practice relaxation techniques when you find your anxiety taking over or stress getting the better of you. When you’re in the midst of the crowds, take deep breaths and let them out slowly. Get out of the madness, and go to a quiet park and sit, walk, or journal. Take a bubble bath or watch a good movie. If you can’t leave, then close your eyes briefly and think of going somewhere peaceful like to a beach, woods, or your favorite place. I like to journal after work and while at work I think about lying on a beach with water washing up around me.
• Live each day one at a time. Try to focus on the day you’re in instead of fearing the future. It’s easy to worry about the “what ifs,” but the “what ifs” can drive you into a deep depression or a major break down. Don’t think, “What if I get the coronavirus and die?” or “What if everything shuts down and I starve to death?” Just focus on your day and the tasks you need to do. It doesn’t hurt to get some extra food, but don’t overstock like you’ll be stuck in quarantine for months. Worrying about the future will only heighten your anxiety. I focus on getting through work and going home to snuggle with my husband.
• Don’t stop living your life. It would be so easy to crawl in bed and not leave, but what good does that do you? Staying in bed, locked up in your house will only increase your depression. When you stop living, you’re left alone with your thoughts, the television that constantly goes on about the virus, and your out of control fears. You have a life don’t; let this virus keep you from living it. Take precautions, but keep going on. Go to your job, keep your appointments, and don’t cancel your plans. I get up each morning and do my normal routines even though I’d like to stay in bed. I continue to work, run errands on my days off, and even go for a walk at Erie’s Peninsula.
• Take care of yourself physically and mentally. This is a very important time to nurture yourself. Keep up with your psychiatrist and therapist appointments, take your medications, and work on your thought process. Do everything they tell you to like washing your hands, staying home when you’re sick and keeping your hands away from your face. Also make sure you’re getting rest when you need it, showering regularly, and getting out of bed. Don’t neglect yourself. I’m exercising, I take a shower each morning, I keep in touch with my support system, and I make sure I take my medications.
• Stay positive. Yes, a scary virus is in our country, but there are still plenty of good things going on in your life. Focus on the good things like your loved ones, your job, the sun shining brightly, a smile from a stranger, and so on. Positive things are happening all around you. Look for them. If you need to, make a list of them. Each day find something good about it. Despite the bad things happening in our country, find something good. Goodness is still out there. This isn’t the end of the world. Wonderful things are still happening in this world. Find them and hold onto them. I’m focusing on the writing workshops I’m doing September 12 and October 3, and I’m grateful after a long day I can come home to my husband and dog.

During these very scary and crazy times, these coping techniques are helping me stand within the light of recovery.

I’m re-posting an older blog post this week. Enjoy. I will post a new one next week.

 

Negative thoughts tear through your mind and fill you with emotions that push you deeper into the black hole of depression. The bad emotions begin to suck the breath out of you and stab your soul. You struggle to fight them, but it seems hopeless. There is no end to the thoughts and emotions that ravage your mind and body. So what do you do?

Fighting your thoughts and emotions is like going to combat. Your mind has been thinking bad things for so long it doesn’t know how to think otherwise. You have to stand up and fight it. You have to change the negative into positive.

Thoughts are connected to your emotions. I learned in therapy that the only way I could feel better emotionally was to change my thoughts and then my feelings would follow. The more negative things filled my mind, the worse I felt within.

When I started therapy while I was ill, I thought changing my thought pattern was impossible. What could I find good to think of? Then my therapist gave me a chart to fill out. Below is an example of a chart I had to fill out for each of my negative thoughts.  charts can be found in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy By David Burns M.D. https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380731762/ref=sr_1_2?crid=8SWLA7DLGVJZ&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy+by+david+burns&qid=1583805391&sprefix=Feeling+Good%2Caps%2C1312&sr=8-2

Date	Negative Thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions
Example 4/23       4/24	I can’t do anything right. I’m a looser.       My life is a hopeless wreck. I hate living.	Hopeless         Sad	There are many things I can do well. I am a talented writer, I am a good cashier, and I am good at woodburning. I am a winner.     Life is beautiful and being alive is wonderful. I have a lot to live for.	Hopeful         Happy

 

Filling out the negative side of the chart was the easy part. Turning it into positives was the hard part. I was blinded by the darkness within me. I saw everything like the pages of a newspaper, in black and white. How could I see the color of positivity? How could I shine light within my mind? I spent hours trying to find a positive thought.

In order to get better, I had to declare war on my thought process. I had to force myself to find something good to think about. That was the only way I could control the emotions that kept eating at my soul. I made copies of the chart and each day I filled one out.

In time, positive thoughts came to me more easily. Once  the thoughts became brighter, so did my emotions. Eventually, I no longer needed the chart. It’s not that bad thoughts no longer cross my mind, but now I can fight them on my own. They do come to me less often and my emotions are brighter.

Fight your negative thoughts and emotions and find the light. Make copies of the chart. The book, Feeling Good The New Mood Therapy by David Burns M.D., has a variation of the chart. In that chart you link your thoughts to cognitive distortions. Find a chart that works best for you.

Since I went to combat with my negative thoughts and learned how to change them, I now stand in the light with joy.

 

Date	Negative thoughts	Emotions	Positive Thoughts	Emotions

 

 

 

 

People who struggle with mental illness are all around you. They are your cashiers, your bus drivers, your doctors, your co-workers, and so on. It’s common to think that people with mental illness curl up in a ball and stop existing. Many think those struggling are locked up in what they call the loony bin. They are wrong. People with mental illness can live productive lives and they do. They can hold jobs and be a functioning part of society.

I’m a cashier and I have worked at the same grocery store for almost 25 years. I took a year off from college, and that’s when I began working at the grocery store. When I started at the store, I worked in the bakery and I was very depressed. I only talked if I had to. The bakery manager was loud and he scared me. We had to know the prices of pastries in the display case. My mind was plagued with racing thoughts, deep sadness, and worry. With my emotions combined with my learning disability I couldn’t remember the prices. I was moved to the front end as a bagger.

I did go into recovery for a few years and began to live the life I never had in my school years. At my job I found more friends than I could have ever imaged and began dating for the first time. I started going out with a group of friends after work to a bowling alley. We would bowl until two in the morning and then I’d get up at eight to go to work. I was living the life I always dreamed of. I was having fun. I wasn’t cured, but I was living life to the fullest.

Everything was going great until it wasn’t. It seem like I fell to the bottom in a flash. I was living in an apartment with a roommate, I was dating a guy who I thought was great, and I was enjoying my life. Yet I fell down that hole again. I hit rock bottom. It became a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I began injuring again. My thoughts were jumbled, and I fought to concentrate, yet I went to work. I forced myself to get though a day of work  with a smile and without falling apart in front of customers.

Only a few people I worked with knew I was struggling. No matter how bad I felt, I went to work and put on a mask. I did my job and I did it well. I moved up from bagger to cashier. I was functioning at my job even though I couldn’t function at home. I’d work, go home, and fall to pieces. I was a mess and on top of it, I moved in with my boyfriend. I soon found out he was abusive. This led me deeper into my illness, and yet I went to work.

I could have given up. It would have been easy to curl up into a ball and not leave my bed. I did call off more than I should have, but I still worked. Most of my co-workers did not know I was sick. It was so difficult to put a mask on and try to pretend I wasn’t dying inside, but I did it.

I worked while dealing with an abusive relationship that made my mental illness worse. When my boyfriend kicked me out, I was admitted into a mental health hospital. I took time off work to get better. My therapist started to fill out paperwork for disability. I told her I didn’t want disability; I wanted to work. She insisted I was unable to work because of my mental illness. She was wrong; I went back to work.

Many are working with mental illness. They are all around us. Some are struggling, but hiding their pain, and some are in recovery. If you have mental illness, don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t work. There are people doing their jobs all around us every day while fighting unseen illnesses. Just because people are struggling with mental illness doesn’t mean they are unable to hold a job or be a functioning part of society.

In August I will be working at the grocery store for 25 years. I’m enjoying my job even more now that I’m in recovery. Working while I was at my worst helped me climb out of the dark hole. It kept me from sitting home and giving up. Working helps me feel like a valuable part of society and helps me to stand tall in the light of recovery.

Racing thoughts fill my mind

My body tenses, I gasp for air

I pound my fist on the side of my head

Stop, I yell.

 

Words jumble in my mind

One thought becomes another

They start with a small worry

With each new thought the worry grows

 

My mind jumps from one thought to another

My car insurance increases

I ruined dinner

There’s never enough money for bills

 

The thoughts rip at my insides

They torment me like an angry storm

They won’t shut up

They take control of my body

 

I must fight

I can’t let them win

I fight them with positive thoughts

I argue with them

 

The thoughts fight back

I refuse to give up

I journal

I list good things

 

I gain control of my breathing

My body relaxes

I release my fist

My thoughts calm

 

The battle is won

No award is given

Yet I earn a badge of courage

My award is the light of recovery

 

Love is a beautiful thing. Finding someone special who completes you and makes you fall in love with him or her each day is magical. Love comes in many forms. There is the love between a couple, the love of a friend, parental love, family love, and even the love of a pet. Each type is special and deserves to be celebrated and cherished. Valentine’s Day is a wonderful time to celebrate all kinds of love.

I never dated in school. The boys picked on me, and they made me feel hideous. I felt lonely and sad on Valentine’s Day. When other girls were getting gifts and roses from their boyfriends, I was dying inside. I day dreamed of Mr. Wonderful showing up and sweeping me off my feet. Unfortunately I could only dream. I spent a lot of time day dreaming of my perfect Valentine.

It wasn’t until I became an adult that guys started paying attention to me and I began to date. I had several boyfriends who bought me gifts for Valentine’s Day, but those relationships ended badly. The men I dated crushed my dreams of Mr. Wonderful. None of them knew how to handle my mental illness nor did they try to learn to help me. Instead they hurt me. After my one ex, I gave up all hopes of finding the right guy. I figured I would live with my parents until they passed, and then move to where my younger sister lives. I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life.

I had and still have very supportive parents, loving siblings, and good friends. I was willing to accept that would be enough to keep me going. For several years it was. Their love sustained me and encouraged me to fight towards recovery. Their love also helped me put an end to self-injury. Not everyone with mental health problems has these kinds of love. I felt blessed, yet I still dreamed of Mr. Wonderful.

It wasn’t until my thirties that I met Mr. Wonderful on a blind date. I agreed to one date with him, but he won my heart over. He swept me off my feet. He promised to treat me like a woman, to respect me, to spoil me with love, and to always be at my side. I thought when I told him about my mental illness he would walk away, but he didn’t. He agreed to do couple therapy with me so he could learn how to help me.

I was scared to say, “I love you” to him and when he said it to me, I told him it was too soon. Without me knowing he began to say, “I love you” with sign language. I thought he was giving me the peace sign or something. I had no idea what it meant until I asked a customer. Once I found out, I began to say it back to him. Our hearts were united, and I let go of my fears.

Next month we will be together fourteen years, and in April we’ll be married 13 years. There is not a special occasion or holiday that he forgets. There is not a day that he doesn’t shower me with love. He’s the love of my life, my Mr. Wonderful.

I was told once you get married Valentine’s Day just becomes another day, but not to us. Yes, we show each other love every day, but on Valentine’s Day we celebrate the magic of love. We celebrate the love of a friend that brought us together, the love of family that supported our relationship, the love of a man that filled my lonely soul with happiness and gave me hope, and the love of two people that created a magical bond. Despite struggling from mental illness, I found a special love. Valentine’s Day is a celebration of all the love I share with not just my husband, but with my friends and family.

Love is a magical thing that builds us up and encompasses us. If you’re feeling alone and unloved, look around you; you may find you are surrounded by love. If you think no man or woman could ever love you because of your illness, you’re wrong. The first step to finding love is to learn to love yourself, and to begin that fight towards recovery. Be patient: Mr. or Miss. Wonderful maybe waiting for you. Don’t give up on love, and never think you are not loved. If you spent this past Valentine’s Day feeling alone and unloved, then decide now that next year you will cherish all the different forms of love you have in your life. Maybe this is the year you’ll find your soulmate.

This Valentine’s Day, my husband spoiled me with gifts and dinner, but the best present he gave me is his undying love. His love and the love from friends and family allow the light to shine down on me.

Things happen in your life that lifts your spirits and also get you thinking. Life is full of surprises. Sometimes it gives you a bumpy road to travel and other times it gives you smooth roads. We never know what road we will be traveling on. The road to recovery can be like getting rid of an old, rusty car for a shiny, new one. You’re getting rid of an old, broken life for a new, bright life.

Tuesday morning my husband and I sat down to have breakfast. We began to talk about the problems with our 2008 Chevy Cobalt. We needed to get it fixed before May when our inspection would be up. We had a hole in the rocker panel, a sensor needed replacing, and we were having problems with the steering. There was no way we could afford to fix all these problems. We had already replaced the gas line and had the muffler repaired along with other things. It was time for something new.

This got me thinking about myself while I was sick. I was like our old car. I had lots of problems that needed fixing. I was self-injuring, my thoughts were negative, I was suicidal, and I couldn’t control my anxiety attacks. Like our car, I couldn’t afford to keep my life going on that road. I needed to change. I needed to renew my life.

After breakfast my husband and I decided to look at newer cars. We texted a friend we met through the dealer we bought our Cobalt from and she suggested a dealer ship. We drove to a town about a half hour away. We talked to a sales man, and he took us to a cherry red Chevy Equinox. The inside looked like new even though it was used. Both of us fell in love with it right away. We took it for a ride and we wanted to buy it. We were like kids in a toy store. So we began the long process of paperwork.

My choice to work towards recovery was like looking at new cars. I looked at what my life could be like in recovery. I saw a chance for a new, bright life. I was excited to take it for a test drive. I fell in love with the idea I could be happy. Like doing paperwork, I had a long process of therapy, medication, and work before me to reach recovery. I knew it wasn’t an easy process, but I wanted it like we wanted that car. I was willing to do whatever it took to reach recovery.

Hours later we got the keys to the SUV, and we drove to my parents to show it off. For a long while I had gotten used to being chauffeured around by my husband and lost interest in driving. When we got this SUV, I suddenly wanted to drive everywhere. I had a new toy and excitement filled me. At work I told my customers about our new vehicle and showed them pictures. Getting rid of the old car helped me let go of worries and getting a new one filled me with happiness.

Reaching recovery is like getting a new car except instead of a new car, I got a new beginning. I wanted to show everyone the new me. I bragged about my new beginning. I had this new shiny life to show off, and I wanted to tell everyone and I did. I still do. I tell everyone about how I threw away my rusted life and built a new one. I was and am excited. I’m not cured, but I’m happy.

Recovery is as shiny as a new car. Reach for it; strive for it. Get rid of your old broken down life, and work towards a new one. Recovery is worth the fight. You don’t have to settle for an endless life of darkness and sadness. You can find happiness. You can learn to control, and manage your mental illness. Happiness is waiting for you. Fight for it.

I’m doing well in recovery. I’ve had bumpy roads, but I enjoy the smooth roads. I’m driving down the road in the light of recovery.