Author: Aimee Eddy

I’m on vacation. so please enjoy a older but very important blog post.

I was told when I was hospitalized years ago that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had no idea what BPD was, so I did some research. I found that many who suffer with this illness were abused. I was never abused by my parents, but I was abused emotionally by teachers and classmates at school. I also learned that people with BPD have a hard time with self-image, relationships and behaviors..

I found these symptoms on the National Education Alliance website (The website can be found under resources on my blog menu.):

• Fear Of abandonment (I blogged about my struggles with this in the past.)
• Unstable or changing relationships (I had many unstable relationships with friends and boyfriends.)
• Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self (I had problems with my self-image.)
• Impulsive or self-damaging behavior (e.g. excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Suicidal Behavior or self-injuring (At one time I was suicidal and I have now gone thirteen years without injuring)
• Varied or random mood swings (I would be in a good mood one minute and in an angry fit the next.)
• Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness (Throughout a big part of my life I felt worthlessness and I struggled with sadness)
• Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights (I often lost my temper at home and got into physical fights with my brother. I got angry and would throw and break things.)
• Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality

To be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you must have five or more of these symptoms. If you have several of these symptoms, find a therapist who deals with BPD. In time you can take control of your illness and find a happier life. Your symptoms can be reduced and you can bathe in the light as I am. I still have some of the symptoms of Borderline, but they no longer rule my life. I live my life in the light.

Life goes on and on

The world spins around and around

Yet one soul stands still

Stuck in a hole of darkness

Haunted by sadness

Blanketed by hopelessness

Suffocated by anguish

People rush by, but no one notices

One soul caught in an illness

Is there hope?

One soul fights an unseen war

A fight of courage and determination

A fight for a new beginning

A fight for strength

A fight to live in the light

A fight to be seen and to go on living

The one soul digs down and fights

Fights with all the soul has

Fights despite ups and downs

One soul reaches the light

One soul stands tall shining like the sun

Some of us celebrate Easter and some don’t. A customer told me she celebrates the Last Supper because it’s more important than the Resurrection. I celebrate both when I celebrate Easter. I believe it’s a celebration of the sacrifice Jesus made so our sins will be forgiven and His Resurrection. However you celebrate is not important. What is important is that we are given the ultimate forgiveness. Whatever we do, if we ask God and Jesus for forgiveness, we are forgiven. This is hard to wrap your mind around. We ask, “How can there not be any exceptions?” Some sins are worse than others and yet we get the same forgiveness. Does everyone deserve forgiveness? How can we all receive the same forgiveness?

When I was ill, I did some awful things to my family. I called my parents bad names, I fought with my siblings, and I swore a lot. I threw fits, I broke things, and I punched my siblings. I was an angry person when I had my Borderline Personality Disorder. When I had my episodes, I was out of control. I often wondered how God could forgive me for my actions. I couldn’t even forgive myself. I punished myself over and over, yet God forgave me over and over again. Why? I didn’t deserve it.

My little sister and I shared a room when we were kids. Many nights I struggled to sleep. A noise my sister made while sleeping angered  me. I’d throw things at her; I’d yell at her and stick things in her mouth. I was upset she could sleep and I couldn’t. I made her life miserable. She didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t her fault I couldn’t sleep, but I took my frustration out on her. How could I be forgiven for this? Years later after she learned of my illness my sister forgave me, but for years I drowned in my own guilt.

My brother was a typical brother. He had a nick-name for me and liked to tease me like brothers do. I saw his teasing as another form of bullying. I thought my brother was treating me just like the kids in school. I hated him for it. He’d say something and I’d go off into a fit. I’d start punching him and he’d punch back. I’d scream at him and call him names. One time we wrestled until we ended up putting a hole in the wall. I called him awful things. How could God forgive me for that? I acted like a jerk, I said things I didn’t mean, and did some awful stuff to my brother, and yet I am forgiven.

All I had to do to be forgiven for my sins was pray to God and ask for forgiveness, but did I deserve it? I was awful when I was sick. I even got mad at my parents and argued with them and called them names. How can the Heavenly Father just let all I did go? Even into my adult years I had a hard time letting myself off the hook for what I did.

Mom sat me down. “God, understands you were sick and all you need to do is ask him to forgive you. That’s why Jesus died on the cross so you don’t have to live and die with your sins. Forgive yourself; let it go because God has already forgiven you.”

If you did stuff you’re not proud of and you can’t forgive yourself, remember why Jesus died. Turn to God and Jesus and ask for forgiveness. Don’t live in anguish punishing yourself for your wrong doings. Let it go. If God forgives you, then you, too, can forgive yourself. Get on your knees and turn to Him. Speak to Him and let your sins go.

Jesus’ gift to us was his death on a cross so we can give our sins to God and be forgiven so we one day can go to heaven. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice by dying and God made the ultimate sacrifice by allowing His son to die for people born into sin. In the end we are given the ultimate forgiveness. All you have to do is ask for it and it shall be granted. However you celebrate Easter, be grateful for the sacrifices made for you so your sins can be wiped free. If God can forgive you, then you can forgive yourself.

I have placed my sins in God’s hands and I have also learned to forgive myself. I no longer feel bad for the things I did while I was ill. I know I will always be a sinner, and I also know God will forgive me if I ask for it. This Easter I celebrate Jesus’s and God’s sacrifices and the ultimate forgiveness given to us. I celebrate Jesus rising from the dead and ascending into heaven. I stand in the light of the Father, the Holy Ghost, and Jesus. Happy Easter!

 

 

When times get hard and I don’t think I can face another day, I say a silent prayer. Even in recovery I need some extra help from above. Sometimes my illness threatens to throw me down the hole, and when that happens, I close my eyes or go somewhere quiet and say a silent prayer. Support systems and coping techniques help, but prayer is the best therapy of all.

Lately things in my life have been hard, so along with my coping techniques and supporters, I have turned to prayer. Prayer to give me strength to deal with my grandma’s dementia getting worse, strength to deal with a tooth problem, strength to keep my illness under control and stay in recovery. Below is my prayer for strength.

 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Life is hard and my illness threatens to throw me back into my inner hell. I have fought with all my might to climb out of my hole of depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder and I did it, but sometimes my illness threatens to take over. Life is difficult. It’s got many bumps, twists, and dips. Some days life’s bumps knock me down. I find it hard to fight to stay within the light. I feel like giving up the battle. When I think I have everything under control, life suddenly twists in another direction and I slip into sadness. When I think things can’t get any worse, life takes a dip into darkness and I wobble. Oh Lord, when these days come, give me the strength to continue on.

Lord, when I was at my worst, I turned my back on you, yet you stood at my side. I claimed you did not exist, but you never left me. I stopped going to church and blamed you for my illness, but you continued to give me strength to go on. Lord, sometimes I still ask, “Why me?” Why did you give me such an illness?” Oh, heavenly Father when I question you, give me strength to hold on tight, to be patient, and to allow you to show me the way.

Recovery is hard. I know I will not ever be cured of my illness, but I fight each day to stay in the light. Many things threaten to throw me backwards. Sometimes I get sad and I’m not sure why. My worries and thoughts run wild. I get anxious and I get sick. I try to calm myself, but some days I can’t. At times I over-react to things, I get emotional, and I get negative. When my illness threatens to send me backwards, give me strength to stay in recovery.

Stigma about mental illness is all around me. I lost friends because they feared my mental illness and didn’t understand. I listen to others make jokes about people with mental illness, I watch television shows paint the wrong images of mental illness, and I hear the news blaming horrific crimes on mental illness without stating the facts. I become angry at the prejudice, the stigma, and misinformed people. The only way I know how to reach out to others to teach, to inform and help is through my writing. Heavenly Father, give me the strength to keep using my writing to fight stigma.

Lord, there are many people in the world: some who are positive and some who are negative. Relationships are hard. Knowing whom to build a healthy friendship with and whom I should keep my distance from is difficult. I try hard to be kind to all, but I must protect my well being. Having healthy relationships is important to staying in recovery. People come into my life who are negative, untrustworthy, and who are unstable, wanting to be my friend. It’s hard to turn away from these people. I am willing to help those who help themselves, but must stay away from people who refuse help. Give me the strength to hold on to healthy relationships and turn away from bad ones.

Heavenly Father, I would not be where I am without your help. I now know I have struggled with my mental illnesses to help others with my writing. I know you have a purpose for me and I work hard to fulfill it. I know you never let us go through anything without a reason. My reason is to write about my illnesses to help others, to teach others, and to give others hope. Thank you, Lord, for everything. Thank you for this strength and determination you gave me to push through no matter what stood in my way. I am in the light because of you. Thank you for the strength to climb into the light. Please, continue to give me the strength to keep dancing in not only the light of recovery, but also within your light.

AMEN

Try writing your own prayer or just taking a moment to say a prayer. If anyone can get you through, God can. Turn to him and be patient because God works in his own time and in his own way. If you look around, you may already see doors and paths he has provided for you. Lean on him for the strength, guidance, and determination you need to reach recovery.

I use prayer often to get me through rough times. Prayer is what keeps me in God’s light and helps me stand bravely in the light.

 

 

The world is constantly moving, people are going through different stages, stores remodel, buildings go up, life takes a new direction, and around we go on the Ferris wheel of change. The world is forever on a cycle of change. People change, technology changes, our lives change, and the places we live in change. We all grumble about it. Many people don’t like change. Sometimes it’s for the better, sometimes it makes no sense, and sometimes it’s for the worse. For people with mental illness, change can be extremely difficult. It can send a person down the hole of darkness and some feel safer when life and their daily routine stay the same. When the routine is broken, the person can become very upset.

How many of you complain when you go in a grocery store and find they are remodeling and moving everything around? We blame the employees and the company and claim we will shop somewhere else, but the next day or week we go back. For people who have mental illness, this change can trigger an anxiety attack or panic attack. They keep coming back because they have been going to that store for years and they refuse to go to somewhere new. Yet their regular store is totally different. It’s stressful and to some devastating.

I hate change. When my older sister grew up and moved out of the house, I had a choice. I could leave the bedroom I’d spent most of my childhood in and move to my older sister’s room or allow my younger sister to take my older sister’s room. The room I was used to had no door, it was cramped, it had sesame street wallpaper, and two small closets. My older sister’s room had one big closet, a door, and the room was spacious and had paneling on the bottom half of the wall and white paint on the top half. It was a wonderful opportunity to take, but I turned it down.

I was used to my bedroom. I felt safe in it. It was my room and changing to something new scared me. I know it was just a room, but it was my fortress of safety. The idea of moving out of it made me feel anxious and sad. I felt like I needed things to stay the same. If I changed I’d be further away from the nightlight, further away from the stairs, further away from my daily routine, and a part of me couldn’t handle the idea of all that being different. So my little sister got the bigger room and my mom helped me put up new wallpaper.

Now as an adult I am struggling with a new change. When she was younger, my oldest niece came to me about everything. She confided in me about her life as a teen. Each summer she spent a week with me and we’d go school shopping and to the movies. I watched her grow and change from a baby to a teen and now to an adult. When she graduated from high school and moved out on her own, I seemed less important to her. As she continued to grow into an adult, she stopped confiding in me. Recently she became a mom. I am happy to have a new great niece, but deeply saddened by the change in my relationship with her mom, my niece.

I now learn about what’s going on in my niece’s life by Facebook. I feel like I’m no longer important. This change in our relationship has threatened to throw me down the hole of depression. I feel lost and sad. I’m struggling with my feelings about this change. I feel like my niece no longer loves me.

My therapist taught me coping techniques to deal with change. I try to point out the positive side to change, like I have a new great niece to build that special relationship with. I journal out my feelings, turn to my support system for encouragement, logic, and comfort, and use self-reassurance to take that leap into something new. I reassure myself things will be different at first, but I will adapt and find the change is a good thing. I practice my breathing to avoid anxiety attacks. I’ve learned to look at change as a new adventure and not the end of my world.

Change doesn’t have to send you into depression, an anxiety attack, or a panic attack. Look at your daily routine; you might find by not allowing yourself to experience something new, you have put yourself into a rut or closed yourself off to better things. Don’t see change as a bad thing, but as a new journey. Don’t let your fear of change stop you from living. Take that leap. We are adaptable, so allow yourself to adapt.

I’ve taken many leaps into something else. Since I have taken steps into change, my life has gotten better, I have become stronger, and I am happier. Sometimes I struggle with change, but I turn to my coping techniques and I make it through. I’m dealing with the change in my relationship with my niece and learning even though we no longer talk as much, she still loves me and I’m still important to her. Dealing with change has helped me dance within the light.

 

2 c. Therapy                                  4 c. Acceptance

3 c. Positivity                                 1/2 lb. Courage

4 Tbsp. Medication                       1 lb. Perseverance

1 bunch of Support                       5 c. Self-love

1/2 lb. Determination                    1 Ray of light

 

Turn your heart and soul to 100%. You must put all of yourself into the recipe for recovery to bake fully. Allow yourself to heat up while you put together the ingredients. You must open your mind and understand you have an illness. Pour acceptance into a large bowl. Once you have accepted you have an illness, you must seek help by telling someone and finding professionals who can properly diagnosis you and give you what you need. Mix in therapy and medication.

In order to fight mental illness, you must dig deep inside yourself for strength and endurance. Mental illness is evil and you must stand tall to fight it. In a separate bowl, melt courage and determination together. Once it’s melted, mix it into the big bowl.

For recovery to rise properly, you must push forward no matter what. Life may get in the way, you may slip a few times, and you may feel like giving up, but you must go on. Mix in perseverance.

In order to find wellness, you need friends, family, and groups to lean on, to listen to you, and to encourage you. You can’t do it alone. Turn to anyone whom you can trust and depend on. Chop up support and put it in the bowl.

For years you have seen the worst side of everything. You became blind to the good. In order for recovery to bake properly, you must change your way of thinking. Mix positivity in and stir well.

You are no good to anyone if you do not treat yourself well or like yourself. You have neglected your needs and you have learned to hate yourself inside out. You must change this and start to look at yourself in a better way. You need to take care of your needs and nurture yourself during the rough times. Pour in self-love.

Mix all the ingredients with a mixer on low speed until it becomes doughy. Take the dough out of the bowl and gently knead in until all the lumps are out. Put it on a sheet and allow it to bake. As it bakes it will slowly rise over time into a loaf of recovery. Once the loaf has risen, you have taken control of your illness. You have finally made your own recovery, but recovery takes continuous work. In order to keep recovery from deflating, you must take care of it daily. You must hold on tight when the tooth pick of illness threatens to poke a hole in all your hard work. Now that your recovery is baked, dance on top of it within one ray of light.

Add more ingredients in if you need to in order to help bake your own recovery. Recovery is a beautiful thing, but only stays full for as long as you’re willing to sprinkle it with a new self-esteem and lots of love and maintain it with antidepressants and self-care. Enjoy your recovery. Dance in the light with pride.

 

I had a busy weekend and didn’t have time to write a blog post. Here is a old but good one. Enjoy.

Have you noticed that you have experienced some of the symptoms of mental illness in your life, but you don’t have mental illness? Do you wonder how the same things you have struggled with affect someone with mental illness differently? When my friend asked me how it was different for me, I told her to multiply her experience by three.

Everyone has suffered with a period of sadness, struggled at a time with self-esteem, worried too much and made things out to be worse than they are. Many symptoms of mental illness are things people face during the course of their lives, but there is a difference when you experience them on a regular basis.

For me the symptoms of depression and borderline were intense, painful and at times debilitating. The darkness of my hole spread throughout my soul and my body. The darkness nearly drained the breath from my lungs. My emotions hurt worse than a root canal and I felt as if I had no control over my feelings and actions. At times I forgot what happiness was and I wondered if I had ever felt it.

Getting out of bed became a struggle, sleeping was hopeless, making decisions seemed impossible and even eating became a challenge. I cried over the smallest things. I tried watching funny movies to only fall deeper into the hole. I couldn’t enjoy the company of friends and family. My writing, my biggest passion, couldn’t even shine a light within soul.

Imagine feeling your sad moments so intensely that no matter what you do, you can’t pull yourself out of it. Imagine worrying so much that it engulfs your every thought and churns your stomach until you’re sick. Sick to the stomach and sick within the body with aching muscles, tight chest and gasps for air. Imagine seeing a problem so big it makes you want to curl up in a ball and pray you could just slip away. This is what mental illness was like for me.

Even now while I am in recovery, I struggle with some of the intensity of the symptoms of mental illness. The difference is I am stronger and I know how to ask for help when I’m not strong enough. My worrying becomes overpowering at times and even my sleeping medication doesn’t work when I’m worrying. That’s when I turn to my husband and he reassures me and helps me find comfort.

When you face a bad day and are able to pull yourself up with a smile and a funny movie, think of the many who cannot recover so easily. Step into the mind of someone who is struggling with mental illness and be glad for the light that shines in your life. Lend a shoulder to someone who is struggling, and even though it is overwhelming, let him or her know you care. People who have mental illness feel the same things you do, but much more intensely.

 

Even though sometimes my feelings become overwhelming, I now have control and friends and family who help me stay within the light.

Families come in many forms. Most of us think of family as the people we are related to, but you don’t have to be blood-related to be family. Family can be good friends or even a pet. Family are the people whom you care for deeply, people whom you trust, and the people who stick at your side no matter what. In the process of working towards recovery and staying in recovery, having the support of family is very important. No matter what kind of family you have, they are essential to the process of reaching and staying in recovery. They are the strong shoulders that keep you going when you’re at your wits’ end.

The support of my biological family helped me climb the walls of my hole to recovery. My mom knew for a while something was wrong, but I kept denying it. She even took time each week to visit me at my grandparents, while I was living with them, to take me out and do things. One day I crumpled in her arms and told her all about my self-injuring, how sad I was, and my attempts to take my life. Mom didn’t waste any time.

She moved me back home and started a search to find me help. She took me to a therapist who only made things worse. When she couldn’t find me another therapist, she went to the mental health department of a nearby hospital for advice. She stopped at nothing. To this day she remains an important part of my recovery. When my husband is not around, I can just pick up the phone and call Mom. She’ll talk to me for as long as I need her. She always listens, encourages me, and gives me good advice. My dad has always been there to0. He loves me no matter what and he also encourages me.

 

For a few years I found recovery and started living the life I dreamed of. I had friends and a social life and I started dating. I had everything I didn’t have when I was in school. Then once again I fell back into my illness. In that time I became very close to Cheryl. She and I became so close it was like we were sisters, even calling each other sis. I could call her anytime: morning, day, and even late into the night. She stuck by me through an abusive relationship. She was there to pull me out of the way of an oncoming vehicle, she talked to me when I cried my eyes out and stayed on the phone until I was laughing, and she put her own needs a-side to help me when I needed her the most.

Cheryl and I lost contact for some time, but once we found each other again, our bond stayed just as strong. I text her all the time, and she gives me advice and is still very supportive. She reminds me when I start slipping to think positively and uses my own blog post against me. She reads all my posts and remembers what she has learned from them to help me when I am struggling. I am now able to be there for her, too. We help each other out and I still call her sis. She is my big sister in my heart and that’s all that counts.

When I was sick, I was pretty mean to my biological siblings, but they continue to stand at my side. Just knowing that they care and love me is enough support to keep me going. They could have disowned me for things I have done when I was down, but they haven’t. I talk to my sisters when I can and even though my brother isn’t as talkative, he supports me in his own way.

Then there are my dogs. I have had four throughout my adult life that were and are my babies. My dogs have always been a comfort to me. They loved me unconditionally and gave me comfort in a way humans couldn’t. They gave me strength and endless love. The dog I have now, Esther, follows me everywhere and loves to snuggle. Just feeling the softness of her fur beneath my skin is soothing. She and my past dogs are the children I can’t have and they always knew when I needed them most. When I had foot surgery last year, Esther would not leave me. Not even to get down to eat, and my husband had to carry her outside to get her to go potty.

 

 

Lean on your family for support. Family can be anyone who cares about you and loves you for who you are. No matter who your family is, biological or non-biological, look to them for support and allow them to help you reach recovery and stay within the light. If they love you, they will stand at your side no matter what.

I could go on and on about the family support I have. Like my husband’s aunt, uncle, and cousins who welcomed me into their lives with open arms, but I can never forget the one who is my strength, my logic, my rock, my inspiration and much more: my husband. Lou, my husband, is always there for me. I depend on him a lot. He never fails to be at my side. He has helped me reach recovery and stay within it. He always knows the right thing to do and say.

I have a lot of family who stand beside me, listen to me, care for me and help me stay in recovery. Because of their support, I stand within the light of their unending love.

 

After being sexually abused, you ask yourself, “How will I ever move on with my life?” You often wonder if you’ll ever heal and be able to live a normal life again. Does the pain and anger of what happened fill you and ruin any chance for you to have a normal, happy life? Do you ever forget? Will you ever look at yourself the same again?

The questions go on. What will your future be like? Will you stop trusting everyone? Will you forbid yourself to love again? Will you ever love yourself again? What will life be like after the abuse?

There are no simple answers to these questions. Everyone heals differently and is affected in different ways. The question you should ask is, “How do I choose to live my life after sexual abuse?” You can choose to fight or give up. You can be a survivor who fights to keep going on or a victim who closes him or herself off to the world. It’s all up to you. An abuser wins when you give up, but he or she loses when you fight to rise above what happened to you. It’s your choice; will your abuser win or lose?

I was sexually abused by a boyfriend and a friend. After the abuse from my friend, a girl, I became confused about my sexual orientation. I read books on it. I wasn’t sure who I was. My body reacted in ways I didn’t understand. It took time to sort out my thoughts and understand what happened to me. I even let a guy I barely knew touch me just to see how it felt and how I would react. I had to do some soul searching. I was already in a depression and the depression deepened. The abuse left me feeling angry, confused, lost, disgusted, and helpless. I knew healing from it would take time, but I had to fight for it. I couldn’t let her win. I wanted to be a survivor, not just a victim.

I thought I could never trust a friend again or become close to another woman again. I had dreams of the abuse, but something in me wouldn’t let me give up. When I started working after taking a year off from college, I made new friends, some bad and some good. I wanted to hide in a corner and pretend I didn’t exist, but what kind of life would that be? I kept fighting. I tried hard to bury the memories, but I realized I had to face them first and accept I was not at fault.

When I was abused by my boyfriend, I swore off men. I stopped dating and spent my time going to work and back home. How could I ever love again? A friend offered to set me up with a guy who was renting from her. I kept saying no, but my therapist and friends encouraged me to go on at least one date. I found it difficult to open my heart up again, but I gave it a try. He made promises I couldn’t walk away from. My life had to go on. I had to let myself love again. When the new man said, “I love you,” I said it was too soon. So he kept telling me using sign language, and in time I to was able to say, “I love you” back. I learned to love again, and after thirteen years and almost eleven years of marriage, I’m still falling in love with him.

My life had to continue. I couldn’t give up. It took a lot of work, but I did it. The scars from the abuse were still deep in my soul, but the wounds did heal. I went to therapy. I wrote notes to my abusers and I continued to push forward. I didn’t want to be just a victim; I wanted to be a survivor. Sometimes the memories come back in dreams. I can never completely forget, but I choose not to let the past ruin my life, my future, and me. The memories no longer control me. I learned to forgive them for my own benefit. I live a happy life because I rose above my abuse and my abusers lost. I am a winner.

Don’t let abuse make you just a victim; fight to continue on, to trust again, to live again, and to heal. Live your life and find strength to stand tall. Ask for help, tell someone, and work hard to help your inner wounds heal. Be a survivor. Don’t let your abuser be the winner. Share your story with others. Your story can help others become survivors, too.

I learned to love again, I learned to trust again, and I fought to go on. Because I did, I stand before you a survivor. I share my story with you so you, too, can become a survivor. Because I fought to heal, I stand within the radiant light of strength.