True friendship is a special thing, and it doesn’t come easily. A good friendship takes work. Both friends must give equally and understand each other’s boundaries. When a person is struggling with mental illness, it becomes hard to be a good friend. The person struggling has a hard time understanding boundaries and finds it hard to be able to listen and support a friend. Even in recovery a person struggles with friendships and boundaries.

Being a friend to a person in the depth of the hole of mental illness takes a lot of patience, understanding, and strength. A person struggling is trapped in his or her own agony, and he or she finds it impossible to be supportive, able to listen, and honor boundaries. He or she can barely handle his or her own problems let alone others’ problems. They often step on their friend’s boundaries, expecting too much, and become angry when the friend can’t give as much as he or she needs.

When in recovery, a person is stronger and more able to handle other’s problems, but must keep to his or her own boundaries. In recovery he or she are continually taking care of her or himself to stay well. When the struggler is having a hard time, he or she must focus on him or herself. It’s important for the person with mental illness to tell his or her friends when he or she must take a step back for a bit to focus on the persons own well being.

I have been struggling emotionally with my husband’s illness, and now he has another illness on top of that. I’m feeling overwhelmed, sad, and anxious. Several times I have teetered at the edge of that dark hole of depression. I’m trying to prepare for the future while handling what is going on with him now. It’s a lot to handle. I worry a lot, I slip into bouts of depression, and I have anxiety attacks.

A good friend of mine is also going through a hard time and she calls me almost every night to confide in me, but I have found it hard to listen to her problems and deal with my own. I told her I couldn’t handle her problems right now. She replied, “I didn’t ask you to handle my problems.”

When I care about a person and he or she confides in me or vents to me, I become emotionally involved. When I’m struggling with my mental illness, I can’t become involved because I’m barely hanging on. I must put myself first, so I don’t fall down that hole again. That’s when I need to put up my boundaries and stick to them. My friend didn’t call me for a couple of days. I feared she was mad at me. When I told her I was feeling better and could talk to her, she seemed distant.

What I needed from her was support, encouragement, and listening ears while I struggled, but instead I received silence. My Borderline Personality kicked in, and I feared she was abandoning me. I became angry and played over in my head how I would confront her, but I decided instead to write a nice email explaining why I couldn’t listen to her problems. I came to the realization that she too has boundaries and I can’t expect everyone to be able to handle my illness.

In time my friend started confiding in me again. Then my husband and I had an appointment with his doctor about his new illness. I became overwhelmed with the things I needed to do for him. Plus, I’m trying to help my sister with her vision problems and we keep hitting dead ends. I was feeling emotional and when my friend called, I confided in her and forgot to ask about her problems. She became mad at me and when I tried to explain we ended up arguing. I decided for my well being and for the sake of our friendship, I needed to take a break from the friendship. At this point in my life, I need to focus on keeping myself well and depend on friends who can be supportive and understanding.

Not every friend you have understands how to help you or is able to give the support you need during hard times. You can teach them, but it’s up to them if they can handle your illness. If they can’t that is okay. Mental illness is a hard illness to handle, and you must respect your friends’ boundaries. Know which friends you can turn to while you’re struggling and know that those friends also have boundaries. Respecting your friends’ boundaries and letting your friends know about your own boundaries will help you build a strong relationship.

Knowing that I have good friends and using boundaries and respecting boundaries helps me stand tall in the light of recovery.