Author: Aimee Eddy

Sometimes health problems occur when you least expect them, problems that require you to change your lifestyle. This is a very hard task to take on, but if you don’t, your quality of life could be at risk. It could lead to a miserable existence if you don’t or death. This is hard to wrap your mind around. When you’ve been through mental illness, the news that you have another health problem can weigh heavily on your mental well-being. Changing your lifestyle is more than changing how you eat, how much you exercise, and how you live; it also means working on your thinking and how you feel about yourself.

My sugar has been running a little high for a while and I have cut down on eating candies and I drink a lot of unsweetened tea. Apparently that wasn’t enough. I went to see the doctor Wednesday for my carpal tunnel and they took my blood work. A couple days later a nurse called me to tell me my A1C was 6.3 and diabetes is 6.5. I’m only a few points from having diabetes. It was like a kick in the stomach.

My mind went crazy. I deserve diabetes. It’s my fault for getting so fat. I’m a fat pig. I don’t eat right and I have a big stomach. I gave myself diabetes. I knew I had a sugar problem and I didn’t take care of it. I’m going to die a miserable, awful, and painful death and it’s my fault.

I couldn’t help but hate myself for having a health problem. I didn’t need another problem. I’m still waiting for the doctor’s office to schedule me with an orthopedic doctor for my wrist. I have been worrying for a while about having another surgery, and now on top of that I’m worrying about how I can prevent myself from getting full blown diabetes. My mind is swirling in circles. My thoughts are out of control. Which should I worry about first? How to prevent an awful disease or is there something the doctors could do to my carpal tunnel other than surgery?

I messaged my friend and she told me not to be hard on myself. She said I needed to make a lifestyle change and from now on I need to think positive. Deep down I knew she was right. I have to make more serious changes to my life. I have to start eating better, I have to push myself to exercise, and I have to give up sugary sweets. I have to do this.

There is no more sneaking a candy bar, no more eating a doughnut while on the run, no more drinking pop in the mornings to wake me up, and no more meals out because I’m too tired and sore after work to cook. I have to pick healthy snacks when I’m watching television at night, I have to learn to plan healthy meals at home, and I have to push myself to exercise. This is a lot. Can I do this? I’ve tried diets in the past and never succeeded. This time I have to be successful.

To make these big changes I have to get my thoughts sorted out. Thinking this is my fault and I’m a fat pig is not going to help me change. I need to think positive like my friend told me to. I need to put my mind in a good place. I’ve overcome so much and I have never given up, even when things got really bad in my life, and I’m not going to start giving up now. I’m not a quitter and I’m determined.

My friend messaged me, “You can do this. Stay positive. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s all up hill from now on and we will exercise.”

I have to fight those negative thoughts and worries. I have to find that determination I used to rise above bullying, to reach recovery from mental illness, and to kick cancer in the butt, to fight off diabetes. The worrying and self-destructive thoughts will not help me change my lifestyle. It’s not easy. I can’t flip a switch in my mind and shut them off. It’s a battle. I have to battle my mind, my cravings for junk food, and my lack of interest in exercising. I have to fight for me. I need to change for me.

Medical problems will come up in your life. Your mind will go to a dark place. You may have to change your lifestyle, and you’ll fear you can’t. You can make those changes. You had to make changes to fight mental illness and you have to make changes to stay healthy. You can do it. Don’t beat yourself up. Dig deep inside you and find your determination and fight.

I don’t know what will happen with my wrist, but I do know I can prevent diabetes. I will do whatever it takes to change my lifestyle and be a healthier me. Because I’m willing to do this, I know I will soon be standing even taller in the light of recovery.

Breast cancer is a harsh disease. No matter what kind of treatment you endure, it is not an easy road to travel. It takes a lot out of you physically and mentally. Mastectomy is one form of treatment. A mastectomy is not an easy surgery. There is no way to truly be prepared for what lies ahead of you, but there are a few things you can do to get ready. A friend shared a few tips she did with me before mine. It helped a lot. I’d like to share a few tips with you. If you are preparing to have a mastectomy, these may help you get ready for your surgery.

Here are a few tips that may help you before and after you have your surgery.

• Buy button down shirts. You can buy shirts at a second hand store like the Salvation Army. After the mastectomy, you with have drains and it will hurt to lift your arms over your head. After my mastectomy, I wore some old button down shirts my husband had from an old job he once worked. It was more comfortable to slide my arms into sleeves without raising them over my head.
• Ask your surgeon for a prescription for a camisole or get a fanny back. The camisole is like a vest with pockets to hold your drains. It fits comfortably under your shirt. You can even get one from the hospital after your surgery. Some find camisoles uncomfortable, and in that case you can use a fanny pack to hold your drains. I was fitted for two camisoles. One was loose and the second was a bit tighter. I found the looser one more comfortable.
• Plan to sleep in a recliner or gather pillows to prop you up in bed. After your surgery, it will be too painful to sleep lying flat on your back or on your side. You’ll need to sleep propped up. My husband has a recliner in the basement, but I didn’t want to sleep down there, and there was no place in our living room to put it. I gathered several pillows and propped myself up in bed. I’m normally a side sleeper, but going through a mastectomy takes a lot out of you so I fell asleep without problem.
• Buy protein foods you don’t have to prepare. Protein helps with the healing process, but you will not be in any shape to prepare meals. So, before your surgery buy protein bars, Ensure with protein, and peanut butter. If someone is making you a meal and he or she asks what you like, suggest foods rich in protein like chicken, peas, and cheese. After my surgery, I drank Ensure regularly, my mom bought me protein bars, and some of my friends made me meals with chicken and other protein rich foods.
• Build a support system. You’ll need family and friends to talk to, to cry on the shoulders of, and to encourage you. Support groups are also helpful. Losing a part of your body is not easy. You’ll go through stages of grief and depression. I had friends I could text, my parents to call, and my husband to rub my back. I also joined a support group for breast cancer patients and survivors called Link By Pink. The group was, and is very helpful and encouraging. Losing your breasts or a breast is not easy to handle; if you think you need to see a therapist, talk to the cancer center for references. They may even have a therapist for you to see.
• Welcome friends and family who offer to help. If you have friends or family who ask, “What can I do to help?” suggest they help with meals, to sit with you to give your caregiver a break, or help with household chores. When I had my surgery, a friend started a chart where people signed up to bring my husband and me meals each day, my mom, sister and family visited with me while my husband took some time for himself, and a family friend did dishes for me. This helped not only me, but also my husband who was my caretaker.

Going through a mastectomy is rough. You’ll need a lot of rest and plenty of time to grieve. Don’t plan on doing much, beyond resting. Follow these suggestions on the list and you will get through this. Don’t be surprised if you’re very emotional or if it takes time to even look at your chest. This surgery takes a lot out of you physically and emotionally. You can get through this. You will beat cancer.

It was rough going through this surgery, but I am proudly a year and a half cancer free. I’ll never forget what I went through to get there, but I am happy. The light of recovery is beaming down on me.

 

 

2019 is about to end, and at midnight we will usher in 2020. Do you look back at 2019 and think of all the bad things that happened? Do you reflect on the good things or do you look ahead? Many make resolutions they never keep in the new year. Many plan on starting diets, declare they will exercise more, decide they will tighten their budgets, and so on. Some of the resolutions get off to a good start and then the person loses interest. We can make resolutions we never follow through with or we can look at a new year as a new beginning.

The past three years have been rough for me with surgeries, illnesses, and loss of loved ones. It’s easy to worry that a new year will bring more problems and heartaches. It would be easy for me to fear 2020. I’m already having problems with my carpal tunnel in my wrist. It hurts to be writing this, and I have to take several breaks to get the feeling back in my fingers. I tried the chiropractor, but there doesn’t seem to be much improvement. I’m worried I will have to start out the year with carpal tunnel surgery. That would be my eighth surgery. I don’t want another surgery. I could dwell on this or think about the new year in a more positive light.

What new things can I do? What changes can I make to my life? How can I take a leap into a new beginning? 2020 doesn’t have to be another bad year. I could have another surgery, but by doing the surgery, I would be able to write without pain. Then I’d be able to write more consistently and 2020 could be the year I get my memoir published. In the new year my new beginning could be me holding my first book and autographing it. There is always a better way to look at the negative side to life and life’s challenges.

If it comes down to surgery or giving up my writing, I’d rather do the surgery. My writing means everything to me. It’s my dream, my escape from my life and my therapy. I can’t stop writing.

Even my chiropractor said, “I can’t have a writer who can’t write.”

I don’t want to think of the New Year as another bad year. I want to think of it as a year with new beginnings. This is my year to shine in my writing and speaking. It’s my year to try new things and make new memories. I’ve been through so much and the health problems seem to keep popping up. I could worry that more problems will come, but I choose to look at the brighter side. I can’t live my life worrying if another health problem or tragedy is going to happen.

2019 wasn’t a totally bad year. I gave two speeches, I received an award, I was on TV three times, and I was published in another author’s book. If I could accomplish that despite losing Aunt Fay, my grandma, and a dear friend, Nancy Coleman, just think of what I can do in a new year. I have a whole year to make many strides in my life. I will grow, learn from my mistakes, and take new steps.

This could be your chance to start your life over. 2020 can be the year you take control of your mental illness and find recovery, it can be the year you kick breast cancer in the butt, it can be the year you start a life with the man of your dreams, and much more. It’s a new year and your chance for a new beginning. Welcome 2020 with open arms, big dreams, and much more, and reach beyond the inner pain for a new start.

Don’t look back at the bad things that happened in 2019 and dwell on them. Instead, cherish the good things and reach for a better year. Start something new; do something new. 2020 is your year to shine.

I’m not going to look at 2020 as the year I may have another surgery. Instead, I’m going to look at it as a new start with lots of new steps and dreams. The light of 2020 is bright, and at midnight I will be dancing in the light of a new beginning.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas to you all!! This time of year can be difficult. Many have materialized Christmas. They rush around to buy the best and often the most expensive gifts for their loved ones. They spend thousands of dollars on gift cards. Many wrack up big bills on their credit cards and spend money they don’t have. Why do people go overboard on material objects? Christmas joy is not material gifts. It’s the gift of Jesus and the gift of a father who loved his children so much he gave us a king to save us from sin.

When I was a child, my family never had a lot of money. My parents struggled to just feed us. Mom and Dad told us to write out a Christmas list, but because they didn’t have a lot of money, to help Santa out we would each get three gifts. After Christmas I heard about kids getting an abundance of toys, but I was happy with my three. We didn’t need a lot of presents to be happy. Most importantly, my parents put Jesus first and they gave us endless love. Material things weren’t important even though we enjoyed getting gifts. The true joy of Christmas was more than the presents.

This year I’m struggling a bit with Christmas. Every Christmas since I was a baby I spent time with my grandma. When I was a child, my family and I went to my grandparents for dinner and we spent the whole day there. When my older sister started having children, my mom began making Christmas dinner and after dinner we went up to my grandparents to give them gifts and spend time with them. When Grandpa passed, Grandma started having Christmas dinner with us. When Grandma was placed in a nursing home, my husband and I began to bring her Christmas cookies and a poinsettia.

Since I was born, I never spent a Christmas without my grandma. This will be my first year without her. I feel lost and sad. Grandma was always the most faithful believer in God. She loved God first, then family and friends. She practiced God’s teaching in her daily life. On Christmas she put Jesus birthday first. She gave all twenty-seven of her grandchildren and all eight of her children the best gift of all, love from deep within her heart.

When I was a kid sometimes there were elderly ladies joining us for our family meals. Grandma couldn’t let anyone be alone on Christmas. In the nursing home she offered some of the cookies we brought her to the other residents. She gave endlessly. She gave with a smile and endless hugs. She even hugged strangers. In her eyes we saw Christmas joy. Through her faith we found the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas joy isn’t the material gifts. Yes, the material presents are fun to get, but the gifts money can’t buy are much better. Wise men brought baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrhh, but the ultimate present was given by God. He gave us the gift of his undying love. He gave us his son, a son that died on a cross to save us from sin, a son who walked the earth healing people, preaching, feeding many, and much more. What an awesome gift!

We as humans can’t give a present so wonderful as that, but we can give from the heart. We can take a minute to give a hug, put on a smile, give a warm greeting, make a stranger laugh, and so on. My grandma did those things and I try to do those things, too. I give customers and fellow employees hugs, I joke around with customers, and I smile even when I feel like falling over. Grandma smiled even when she was in a wheel chair, she gave when she had nothing to give, and much more.

Christmas joy isn’t in the material gifts you give. It’s the presents you give from the heart. So tomorrow while you’re opening up your presents, stop and think about what gifts you can give from the heart. Invite someone who is alone over for dinner, make a call to someone you haven’t called in a long time, give a hug, and much more. Spread Christmas joy to everyone by giving from the heart and celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

This Christmas I’m giving not only material gifts, but I’m giving presents from the heart. I’m honoring Grandma’s memory by putting a poinsettia on her grave and sharing my love with others. This Christmas the light of Jesus is shining all around me and Grandma is smiling down from heaven.

 

No post this week. We spent sometime in Pittsburgh watching the Steelers game. I hope everyone is well and are not overstressing themselves for Christmas. Take time to enjoy the holiday season. Look for a post next week.

There are right and wrong things to say to people, but sometimes people say the wrong thing at a rough time in a person’s life and it hurts. Choosing the right words is important, especially when someone is going through mental illness. When someone is struggling and going through this difficult sickness, saying the wrong thing can cause trauma and anguish. It can add fuel to burning emotions.

Never tell a person with mental illness who is going through an emotional episode to “get a grip.” Emotions can run wild and become totally out of control. A person can lose grip of his or her emotions and scream and cry. The person struggling with these emotions can’t just shut them off. So when someone tells them to “get a grip,” it hurts. It makes the person feel angry, misunderstood, and alone. It makes those emotions flare even more.

Recently my friend, Cheryl, who is struggling with depression and anxiety, told me about a situation she was in. She got very upset and her emotions flared. She cried and screamed until she became horse and a loved one told her to “get a grip.”

Cheryl messaged me. “When he said ‘get a grip’ it made me more upset. I felt like it was assumed that I could just flip a switch and suddenly be in control of my emotions in a snap. I couldn’t. My emotions were too out of control at the time. I couldn’t just turn those emotions off like a light switch.”

I’ve been in my friend’s shoes. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, it didn’t take much to send me in an emotional episode. I would go from sad to out-of-control. I would throw things, scream, and cry. He didn’t know how to handle my rapid emotions. He just stood over me while I was in a crumpled up mess screaming and crying, telling me, “Get a grip.”

The burning in me flared up more. I yelled at him. My anger burned even deeper. How could he tell me to get a grip? He had no right. Didn’t he know what was going on inside me? Didn’t he know I had no control? Was I in this alone? I couldn’t just stop.

I cried even harder and yelled out awful things to him. He in turned tried to control me by holding me down and telling me he wouldn’t let me go until I got a grip. I’m afraid of being held down, so things got even worse. I begged and pleaded with him to let me go, but he held me even harder. When he finally let go, I had bruises on my wrists.

All I needed from him was for him to hold me in his arms and whisper encouraging words until the tears stopped. I wanted him to just be there for me, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know how. He was the type of man who had to be in control. When he couldn’t control my emotions, he abused me instead.

To me the words “get a grip” are an insult. It made me feel like what I was going through was just a childish fit that I could just stop when I wanted to. It’s like what I was feeling didn’t matter.

I wanted to scream, “I can’t get a grip. I can’t just stop my emotions. If I could, I’d do it. Don’t you understand I have no control?”

My friend Cheryl posted on Facebook, “Please, if you know someone with anxiety and depression (and maybe also other mental health issues), when they are having an episode, PLEASE don’t tell them to get a grip! That does not help at all. In fact, it can make things even worse! It just fans the flames. Instead, if they allow you to do so, just hold them and be there for them. Find a more calming way to calm them down. That is what they need most. They need calm so it is easier for them to calm down.”

She is right. If you want to help someone going through an emotional episode, choose what you say and do carefully. You can either make things worse or better. If you say positive things, rub his or her back, and hold him or her if he or she lets you, you can help calm the person down. Try different things like deep breathing to help him or her, but never say, “Get a grip.” The person just needs you to be there for him or her in any way you can, even if it means just sitting with the person. Choose your words wisely. Be compassionate, kind, encouraging, and soothing. Don’t let your own frustration guide you in your actions. If you are angry yourself, calm yourself down before you try to help the person struggling.

I have found a man who holds me when I break down. He knows how to cradle me in his arms and rub my back until the tears stop. He seems to know all the right things to say. He can calm me down when no one else can. Because he knows all the right things to say and do, he holds me up in the light.

 

 

Thanksgiving often gets pushed aside by stores. Right before or after Halloween the Christmas decorations go up. It’s hard to find Thanksgiving decorations to buy and no store ever puts them up. It’s pushed aside by wrapping paper, Christmas cards, Santa Clause, and shopping for the best gifts. Even the commercials and television shows display Christmas. Thanksgiving is also very important. We have a lot in our lives to be thankful for even when we can’t see it. It’s a season to be thankful for the bounties God gives us.

This year my sister invited my husband, parents, and me over for dinner. My niece, her daughter and her boyfriend, plus my nephew were all there. Of course my sister and her hubby, too. There were nine of us. The table was filled with endless dishes of food. My dad said the prayer and my mom suggested we go around the table and say what we were thankful for. I sat there listening to each person speak. Then it came my turn. I said I was thankful for my hubby and family, but my mind silently said something else. I didn’t want to give a long speech.

I’m thankful that I’m a year cancer free and that this Thanksgiving I’m not recovery from surgery. I’m thankful for all the friends and family members who stuck at my side last year and are still at my side. I’m thankful that I made it almost to the end of the year without any surgeries or any major health problems. I’m thankful I’m alive to spend another Thanksgiving with family. I’m thankful my cancer was caught early and I’m a survivor. I’m thankful I’m still in recovery from mental illness and even though I went through some really rough times, I’m still standing tall above the hole.

If I had said all this, when it was my turn, my family would have been drooling from starvation. Instead I said my thank you to God. For the last three years things have not been easy. In 2018 I had a detached tendon in my ankle reconstructed, I was in the emergency room four times, and I had to have a scope done. In 2019 I had breast cancer and found out I had the BRCA gene. I had a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy within three months. Then this year started with the death of my husband’s aunt, who also meant a lot to me, then the death of my grandma in September. I also had a flare up of my plantar fasciitis and I was in a boot for a month and half.

A lot of bad stuff has happened to me over a three year span and I could dwell on it and get really sad or I could be thankful for the good things. No matter what I’ve been through, I have had a wonderful husband taking care of me and supporting me. I also have had some wonderful friends who supported me with a shoulder to cry on, meals, gifts, visits, and so on. I have a dog that through it all snuggles up to me and while I was recovering from surgery wouldn’t leave my side. Then there is my family who has also supported me in many ways. I’m thankful for all this.

Because of everything I have been through, I have fallen down that hole of depression, but I was strong enough to pull myself up. I could have easily fallen back down to the bottom of that hole again and just stayed there. I could have given up. It would have been the easy thing to do. I have asked God if I were being punished and I got angry at times, but I didn’t let my mental illness take over, especially when I got breast cancer.

I have had plenty of reasons to not be thankful. I have had plenty of reasons to quit fighting. I’ve gone through stages of anger, grief, and self-pity, but I kept going. No matter how bad things have gotten, I still had plenty to be thankful for. Even the death of my grandma brought something good into my life: I reconnected with two of my cousins I had lost contact with.

No matter how bad my life seemed, there was always something good to be thankful for.  Such as church ladies who brought me lunch and let my dog out, my parents who brought us meals and visited, friends who visited, a friend who set up a program for people to bring us meals, cards in the mail, gift cards in the mail, a friend doing my dishes, my husband always taking care of me, and much more.

This Thanksgiving I gave my great-niece kisses, talked and laughed with family, and ate delicious homemade food with a heart full of thanks. I’m very thankful despite all I’ve been through. No matter how bad things got, good things still happened.

Thanksgiving may be over, but it’s not too late to be thankful. Everything in your life may seem like it’s falling apart and yet among the sadness is good. No matter how depressed you are, even if you are very sick, you’re going through divorce, if your children broke your heart, or anything else going on in your life, there is something to be thankful for. There is good going on in the midst of darkness and tragedy. It may be difficult to see, but if you really look you’ll find it. Get a piece of paper or a journal and write at the top of the paper, “I’m thankful for…”. Then below it list the good things that happen in your life. You may find you have a lot to be thankful for. So what are you waiting for? Get to writing.

Because no matter how bad things got in my life, I was able to find things to be thankful for, so I am standing above the hole in the light of happiness.

 

 

Recently at work we lost a young man who had lost all hope and thought there was no other way out of his inner pain. His mom worked at the store where I work before I started. He was born in December of 1994 and I started working there in August of 1995. He was just a baby when I first met him. I watched him grow as she brought him grocery shopping and to events. Before I knew it, he was a young man coming to work as a cashier. At first I didn’t recognize him; he had grown up so fast. He had a nice smile and was easy to talk to. I enjoyed conversations with him and joking around in between customers. When he moved to another department, I still enjoyed casual talk. Now he’s gone.

I didn’t know. Many of us didn’t know of the demons that haunted his soul or the deep pain that etched is fingers within him. He put on a smile. He talked and he laughed with us all, hiding the deep darkness and pain lurking within. I know from experience that when struggling with mental health problems, many put on a disguise. Why? There is a lot of stigma to the illness and this causes fear of judgement in those suffering with it.

I know when I struggled I hid my pain and suffering because I feared what others would think of me. I didn’t want to be judged by my family and peers. I also hid my pain because I couldn’t explain it and I didn’t want to hurt anyone with my suffering. I felt like I was the only one in the world suffering. No one on earth could understand what was happening to me. Maybe that is what my co-worker felt. I will never know. Maybe he had his own reasons.

The question many of my fellow employees and I’m sure his family and friends are asking is, “What happened to make him want to take his life?”

No one can answer that question, but him. He took that with him. Could it be one thing? Could it be several things happening over time? Could it just have been a chemical imbalance in his brain? No one knows.

I have tried suicide in the past and luckily I didn’t succeed. It wasn’t just one thing the first time. I had been struggling with depression and thoughts of dying throughout my school years, but when my cousin was killed in an accident, I hit the very bottom of my hole. I graduated from high school and moved in with my grandparents, and a friend began to abuse me. I felt dark and hopeless inside. My soul and heart ached with so much pain that no matter what I did, nothing could relieve it. I just wanted it to end. My life was nothing, but a dark endless hole of unspeakable anguish. I thought I had no reason to live and that my family would be better off without me. I couldn’t see beyond my own suffering.

The second time I got sick when it seemed like everything in my life was going great. I had friends, I was living on my own with a roommate, and I was dating. A psychiatrist said I had a chemical imbalance. I moved in with my boyfriend. The more depressed and hopeless I became, the more controlling and abusive he became. One night I was taking a friend home, and I walked into the middle of a road as a car was coming. I just wanted to die, but my friend pulled me to the side of the road.

Was it like this for my co-worker? He had lost a child a while back. The child was born with health problems. Could that have triggered his inner pain or was it more? The one thing I do know was he was suffering, suffering more deeply than anyone could ever understand. He was in a very dark place. When you’re ready to die, to end the life God gave you, you have lost all hope for happiness, you have lost your strength to fight and you hurt so bad that nothing eases it. No hug can make the inner pain go away, nor a funny movie, nor kind words from loved ones, nor the sunshine, and not even the love of family and friends. You are screaming inside, crying and begging for it all just to end.

What my co-worker couldn’t see was that the pain can end and there is help. There are healthy ways to cope and medications that can stabilize the chemicals in the mind to give relief to some of the symptoms. There are therapists who can help find ways to cope, who can help teach new ways of thinking, and to talk to. There is help. Maybe he didn’t know there was help, maybe he thought he could handle it on his own, and maybe he was afraid to ask for help. Only God knows. The questions will remain unanswered. The only thing that can provide comfort is, knowing he is no longer struggling and hurting, and he is free.

All of us who knew him and loved him are left with heartache and questions. His mom, brothers, dad, and other family members are devastated. Their hearts are shattered, their lives forever changed, and some may need therapy to get through this. Their lives are not better without him. His pain is gone, but theirs will linger on. They provided grief counseling for his fellow employees, and his friends are also hurting. He’s free, but his family and friends aren’t. He didn’t know how much he would hurt his family and friends. I believe he’s in heaven looking down on his loved ones saying he’s sorry and watching over them while they grieve.

Suicide is not the answer to end your pain and deep darkness. Your life is worth living and help is out there. You’re not alone. Reach out to someone, anyone you can trust and ask for help. Don’t suffer alone. There are therapists, psychiatrists, crisis lines, and support groups. You may even find the people you think won’t understand and who will judge you are the people who will stick with you. Recovery is possible. Don’t give up on living; fight for the light, for a new chance at life, for happiness, for your family, and for yourself. Live your beautiful life, because even though you can’t see it, it is wonderful.

Andrew is the name of my co-work who passed. For the longest time I couldn’t stop thinking about how he suffered inside. I wish I could have told him that recovery is possible, but I never got that chance. Fly high Andrew; fly in God’s light and in his kingdom. You will never be forgotten.

I believe I’m alive so I can share my story and help others. I’m here to tell others how to find the light so they can dance within it with me.

In memory of Andrew Lyons November 15, 2019, rest in peace my friend.

 

Last week I wrote about magnifying a worry to the point that it becomes a big fear. Our minds are powerful. When left alone to worry, it can run wild like a windstorm. It starts out as a subtle wind then grows and grows until tree branches are flying around. Before you know, it the wind turns to a tornado. If you step back from the storm, you may see that it isn’t that bad after all. You see that it is a simple breeze dancing in the tree branches. It’s the same with a fear; if you step back, that big fear maybe something small.

Last week I wrote about my growing fear with a condition in my nose. Tuesday night I planned out what I would say to the Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor. I would ask him if there is any way to take care of a polyp without surgery. I would tell him about going through cancer and ask him to be sure I did not have cancer again. That night I worried about my appointment to the point I had a hard time falling asleep, even with my sleeping medications.

I can’t go through another surgery. I had nose surgery once and it was very painful. I have to make sure the doctor knows I refuse to go through surgery unless there’s no other choice. What will the doctor find within the inflamed nostril? Could it be cancer?

I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. I can’t go to my appointment and get bad news. Maybe I can just skip it. Every time I have a problem it ends up in surgery. I had two surgeries last year and a surgery the year before, I can’t go through another one this year. Can’t I just go through one year without a major problem or surgery?

     I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Stop it, Aimee. You have to sleep. Just think of something good, but I can’t have cancer. I can’t go through hell again. Stop it, go to sleep.

Sleep finally settled in and the alarm went off at 7:00 am.We put it on snooze and finally got up at 7:30. We got breakfast on the way to our appointment and arrived 15 minutes early. I sat in the waiting room, watching people being called back while my mind began to wander and my stomach began to twist. I pulled out my cellphone and looked through my Facebook posts. I hoped it would keep me distracted enough so my nerves could calm down.It did somewhat.

A voice filled the room. “Aimee.”

I looked over near the hallway and stood up. “I’m Aimee.”

She smiled at me. “Follow me.”

My husband and I followed her to a room. I sat down in a chair while the nurse went over my medications and medical history. She had me sit in the examination chair. A few minutes later she came in with a big long instrument.

   Oh no, this is really going to hurt. What is that a needle? Is he going to poke that inside my nose? Is he going to put that through the polyp? I want to leave now.

The doctor came in and introduced himself. He did a basic exam checking down my throat while using a tongue compressor. I gagged. Then he felt around my neck and had me swallow. He muttered his findings as he checked me out. I assumed he was recording it, but I didn’t see any recording device. He looked into both nostrils. Then he sprayed something in my left nostril and picked up the long thing that looked like a needle. The end of it lit up.

Oh no, he’s going to put this thing in my nose. This is really going to hurt. I grasped the arm rests and dug my fingers in. This is going to hurt bad.

He stuck it into my nose. It hurt a little, but was more uncomfortable than anything. I expected it to be a lot more painful. Instead it was very uncomfortable and made tears stream down my cheeks. The doctor pulled it out and the nurse gave me a tissue.

The doctor sat down on a stool. “Right nostril looks really good. Your left nostril has little sores and a staph infection.”

I looked at him. “You mean I don’t have a polyp?”

“I didn’t see any polyps. A staph infections is treatable it just takes time to completely get rid of it. My nurse will give you instructions on a solution to mix up and spray up your nose three times a day for,” he said.

I let out a breath of relief. My fear faded away and my soul felt like someone had just cut chains off of it. All I had was a simple infection that was totally treatable. From then until March I would just have to spray a solution up my nose and be careful when I blew my nose. My big, overwhelming fear turned out to be a smaller and very treatable condition.

Don’t let your mind turn a small problem into a huge fear. Often things we fear are only as big as we make them out to be. Try to stay positive when possible. Let the small things stay small until you have a real reason to worry. Not knowing is scary, but try to fight the racing thoughts. Are you worrying about something right now? Take the time and write down your fears and for each fear turn it around into something simple. Like, “I’m going to be fired for my mistake.” Change that around to, “It was a simple mistake; I won’t be fired for that.”

My husband and friends were right, and everything turned out to be fine. I’m learning to control those crazy thoughts and to stop my worries before they become magnified. Like usual, my problem turned to be much smaller than what my mind made it out to be. Learning to fight my thoughts before they become overwhelming fears helps me stand within the light.

 

We all have fears. Even those who say they are scared of nothing have fears. It’s part of human nature. Some people are scared of spiders, some are scared of heights, some are scared of small spaces and so on. Fear can cripple us from doing things and in some case can cause panic attacks and anxiety attacks. There are also fears that are just small concerns or worries that the mind magnifies into much worse. This often happens with people who have mental illness. Fears sometimes are more intense after going through such illnesses as cancer.

After reading my previous posts, you know I suffer from anxiety attacks and I’m a one-year survivor of breast cancer. These two mixed together can make my fears more intense. I belong to a breast cancer support group where many survivors talk about the fear of getting cancer again. I also have this fear.

For a month now I have noticed soreness in my nose. At first I thought I could just take care of it myself by spraying saline spray and nasal spray up my nostril. The problem is it didn’t get better, only worse. Wednesday I went to my family doctor.

She looked up each nostril with one of those lights they use. “You have a polyp in your right nostril. The left one is inflamed and I can’t see too far up.”

First thing that came out of my mouth was, “Is it cancerous?”

She typed something in her computer and looked up at me. “It’s probably not, but I want to set you up with an appointment with the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist so they can have a better look at it.”

Shivers crawled up my back and my stomach twisted. I felt like I had just recieved awful news. My mind went crazy. I wanted to cry and scream. Instead I forced a smile and nodded my head.

What do you mean “probably”? You can’t say it’s probably not cancerous. I want you to tell me it’s definitely not cancerous. When they found my lump in my breast, they said “More often than not, the cyst are benign, but we have to do a biopsy to be sure.” It wasn’t benign. What if this polyp isn’t just a polyp? What if there is something in the inflamed nostril? What if I have cancer of the nose? Is cancer of the nose possible?

After the appointment my husband and I went to lunch and started our Christmas shopping. I tried to keep my mind distracted, but I couldn’t stop it. It just ran out of control.

What if I have cancer again? Last year I lost my breasts. What if this year I have to lose my nose? I’d look weird without a nose. I don’t want any more surgeries. I can’t go through another one. What if behind the inflammation is more cancer? What if this time I have to go through chemotherapy and get sick and lose my hair? I can’t lose anything else. I can’t go through cancer again. I can’t do it.

Later that night my husband and I sat at home. I confided in him that I was scared. He pulled me close and told me I will be fine. He is usually right. When I start worrying obesessively to the point my problems turns to a giant fear, my husband always reassures me everything will be fine, and he’s usually right. Everything always turns out for the good, but when my mind gets going, I can’t seem to stop it. My mind keeps making the problem bigger and bigger until I have an anxiety attack. It was doing it again with an inflamed nostril and a polyp. I started dry heaving.

That night I went to my breast cancer support group and listened to stories of cancer being found in other places. I became even more scared. When I came home that night, I messaged my friend. She told me polyps are not cancerous and I had nothing to worry about, but I was still frightened. She suggested I do something to keep my mind busy. I told her I planned on working on my book proposal, but I couldn’t focus.

She texted me. “Work on your proposal. It will distract you. Keep busy.”

So I pulled out my laptop and got to work on my proposal. I became so focused on editing that I almost forgot about my problem. After I was done editing it was time for what my friend and I call, “Date night.” She lives far away. We like the same television shows. We watch them at the same time and comment on them through text messages. We refer to the nights our shows are on as “date nights.” I found this relaxing. I was too busy watching SWAT and texting back and forth with my friend to think about my fear. The next morning I texted another friend who said her husband had polyps in his nose and was given a steroid spray that made them go away. She assured me I would be fine.

If your worries are turning something that maybe nothing into a fear you can’t escape, then try to distract yourself. Fight those worries and do something that will keep your mind busy. Do a craft, write in a journal, read a book, or talk to a friend. If you can take the focus off the problem, your body can find time to relax and your mind won’t have time to keep magnifying. You can fight fears caused by over thinking and worrying. Talk to your therapist about coping techniques.

The next morning after my doctor appointment, I got a call that my appointment with the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist was set for this coming Wednesday at 8:30 am. Until then I will keep myself busy and I will fight the fears that rise up. When my mind starts to race, I will try to focus on something positive or talk with my support system. Fighting my thoughts and coping with my fears help me stay within the light.