Life can throw boulders onto our path of recovery. Things happen that are out of our control. Illness strikes, injuries happen, and physical ailments arise. Suddenly our lives change. Sometimes we become unable to do our everyday rituals. We find ourselves dependent on others to dress, to get around, to get a glass of water, and so on. It’s very hard not to fall down the dark hole of depression when this happens. Finding the positive in your situation can be a struggle on the road to recovery from mental illness or even in recovery.

   On Thursday the nineteenth I had surgery on my ankle. A tendon had become detached and entangled with dead muscle. My podiatrist had to go in and repair the tendon and clean out the dead muscle. The surgery went well, but I was sent home with a walker and told not to put any weight on that foot. I didn’t realize how difficult this would be until I got home. I live in a home full of stairs. To go to the bathroom I would either have to go upstairs or downstairs to the basement. Just getting around on the first floor with a walker is a struggle.

   I found myself confined to my living room couch with my ankle propped up and the television on. My husband has become my care giver. He has to get me whatever I need, help me up the stairs, and get my meals. I feel helpless. I used to be able to go up and down the stairs with ease and I’m used to being able to make meals for us. I started to feel hopeless while I lay on the couch. What good could I find in this situation? How could I stay in the light when I felt like a helpless wreck? It would be so easy to slip into depression, but I couldn’t let myself do that.

   I decided to make a list of good things about my situation, such as I have four weeks off of work, friends and my husband got me plants and flowers, I got many get well cards, I get to be waited on, and I have plenty of time to write. Each time I start to feel down, I try to think of something positive or I call and text friends and family. I’ve come too far to slip backwards. I can’t let this situation drag me down. I’m too strong to allow the darkness to seep in. So each day on the couch I try to keep busy writing, coloring in my adult coloring book, journaling, and turning to my family and friends for support.

   Life’s unexpected events always fall in our path to recovery or in the middle of our recovery, but it’s how you handle them that counts. Do you let them defeat you or do you use them to push you forward? Can you push past the dark and reach into the light? Can you stand up to your illness and say, “I’m in control: you will not defeat me”? It’s up to you how you handle the unexpected situations in your life. Use your inner strength to rise above them. Look past the darkness and fight to find the positive within.

   I know I have a long road to recovery from my surgery ahead of me, but I refuse to allow the darkness to overcome me. I am willing to not only do what it takes to get my ankle better, but to keep myself standing in the light. Because of my determination, I will continue to soak in the light.

This week there is not a blog post because I had surgery on Thursday and am recovering. I had a tear in a ligament in my ankle repaired. I’ll be off work for  4 weeks. In that time I will have plenty of time to come up with post and to write about the challenges of recovering from surgery and dealing with mental illness.

 

   Did you make your commitment for the New Year? Did you start taking your first steps? Don’t expect major progress right away. This is a huge battle you are engaging in. It’s not going to be easy, and right now you need to celebrate even the smallest accomplishment, like making your first appointment with your therapist or psychiatrist. Take note of your progress each day or week.

   This week has been a trial for me. I have been trying so hard to fight my worries about my surgery. It seemed like the doctor’s office was taking forever to schedule my surgery. I was getting worried. How could I plan up and coming birthdays? Would I have enough time to tell work? How long would I have to suffer? Would they schedule my surgery around my husband’s birthday and I’d be too miserable to celebrate? The worries went on and on.

   Monday I called the doctor’s office and they told me they were backed up and they would get to it when they could. My worries became endless. I tried to think of something else, but couldn’t. I tried to journal about it, but my emotions began to flood me. I went to work and a coworker asked about my surgery and I started crying. I thought I had failed at accomplishing my commitment. My husband reminded me that one slip does not mean I messed up. It just means I have to fight harder. I had to step back and look at what went wrong and find a better way to combat the worries.

   I picked up an adult coloring book for when I’m off for surgery. After my breakdown, once I got home, I started coloring in my book. I found that it kept my mind busy and helped me relax. That night I began to feel better and I got a call that my surgery was scheduled for January 19^th. I celebrated the fact that I found a new way to help deal with my worries by treating myself to a sweet snack.

   A surgery date brought on new worries, like what if something goes wrong with the surgery? What if the recovery takes longer? What if they go in and find more wrong? What will I do while Lou’s at work? What if I get an infection?

  I faced the worries step by step, day by day. I decided to focus on preparing for my surgery and looking forward to having four weeks off from work.

   Wednesday came along. I did the blood work required by my doctor; I went to physical therapy and later relaxed at home with my husband. That night my husband looked at me and said, “I’m proud of you. All day you did not worry about anything.” I thought about it and agreed. He asked me how it felt and I said, “It feels really good.” The next day we went out to supper to celebrate.

   Fighting mental illness will not happen overnight. You will make small accomplishments and you will fall down. The recovery process can be slow and rough, but don’t give up. At first you might not even notice a change, but in time you will make some progress. Celebrate every accomplishment you make, even if it’s little. Don’t give up when you slip. Just keep fighting. Stick to your commitment. Don’t give up because you’re worth the fight.

   I’m willing to keep fighting to fulfill my commitment. It will take a lot of work, but I’m ready and willing to fight. My determination will help me stand within the light.

 

   How many people make resolutions the for New Year and actually keep them? Not many. I stopped making resolutions because I can never stick to them. When it comes to recovering from mental illness, it’s best to skip the resolution and instead make a commitment. If we commit our souls, our determination, and our very being towards reaching recovery, then we are more likely going to keep to it. You need to make a vow to yourself that you will do whatever it takes to stand above the dark hole. If you’re in recovery, commit yourself to working on an area of your illness you still struggle with.

   This New Year I decided to commit myself to work on my worrying. Even though I’m in recovery, I still have mental illness and I still struggle with some aspects of my illness. Worrying is my biggest problem. I worry about everything and usually I have no reason to. Everything always turns out for the best, even though I worry it won’t. In 2017, I’m going to commit myself to fighting those worries, but this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a step by step process.

   The first worry I’m going to concentrate on controlling is my worry about my ankle surgery. The first step I’m going to take is each time I start thinking about it, I am going to tell myself to stop and try to concentrate on something else. For the second step, I’m going to write down my worry and how it helps me or how it hurts me. Third, I am going to pray to the Lord and ask him to take my worry into his hands. Fourth, I’m going to turn to friends and family to help point out when I’m worrying too much and to remind me to stop.

   The process of fighting my worrying will not be easy, but if I’m committed to it, then I will put all of my willpower and determination into fighting it. I’m not just going to decide to defeat this; I’m going to strive to. Each day I’m going to follow the steps to stop my endless worries until I can learn to control them better.

   Like fighting my worries, fighting mental illness has to be taken step by step. First, you must accept you are ill. Second, you must decide you want to get better. Third, you must seek help. Fourth, you must fight. In order to make a commitment to get better, you must have already taken the first step. You can’t pledge to reach the light until you have accepted that you have an illness. Once you decide to get better, then make the commitment.

   So in 2017, change your New Year’s resolution to reach recovery into a commitment, and make it the most important fight you ever fought. Do it for yourself, do it for a chance to find happiness, and do it for a chance to live in the light. Don’t allow yourself to back away or become discouraged from your commitment. Stick to it through the rough times, through the slips backwards, and through life’s challenges. Focus on getting better and fight for it with all the strength you have within you. It’s a big step, but you can do it.

   This year I will fight my worries, and in time I will take control of them. It is my commitment to take control of my thoughts and ease my fears. Because I decided to pledge all of me into this fight, I will continue to remain within the light.

Happy New Years!! I hope you’ve all have had a happy and fun New Years. Next week I will blog about New Years commitment not resolution. Now the celebrating is over I will have more time to write and will post my blog post next Tuesday. Until then think about what your New Years commitment will be. I wish you all a happy, healthy and bright New Years!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! MAY YOU ALL ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS AND TIME WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS!! I WILL NOT POST A BLOG UNTIL AFTER THE NEW YEAR BECAUSE I AM BUSY CELEBRATING AND I HOPE YOU ALL ARE TOO. REMEMBER TO ALLOW THE LIGHT TO SHINE WITHIN THIS HOLIDAY SEASON AND MAKE A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION TO REACH RECOVERY.

 

   Relationships take a lot of effort. Both must be able to work together to make a relationship thrive, but if one is unable to do his or her part then things can fall apart. A mentally ill person becomes consumed by his or her illness and forgets others have needs, too. The person with the illness can’t see beyond his or her own needs and begins to expect too much of others. This makes it hard for him or her to be a good partner or friend.

   When I relapsed into my mental illness, I became very needy and consumed with the darkness within me. I had a close friend that I spent a lot of time with before I became ill. I even used to go to her and her husband’s cabin for the weekend. When I became ill, I started giving her notes and sending them to her with my feelings. I wanted all of her attention and support, but I was unable to give her anything in return. I wanted to be the center of her focus, but she had children and grandchildren who were beginning to take up her time. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t have as much time for me. Couldn’t she see I was suffering? Wasn’t she supposed to be there for me no matter what?

   After the friendship ended and when I got better, I realized I couldn’t be a good friend unless I was able to take care of my illness. Our friendship ended because I couldn’t see that she had needs and limitations. I realized in order to be a good friend, I had to take care of myself first. It takes a strong person to stick by a person who cannot give the same support.

   A friend of mine is desperate to find the right girl. He has tried many ways to find the girl of his dreams without success. The only problem is he is deeply depressed and has isolated himself from the world. He struggles from day to day just to take care of himself. He hides from the people who love him the most and sometimes he disappoints his friends, not on purpose.

   I tell him; first he must take care of his mental illness and reach for recovery before he could be a good boyfriend to a young woman. I believe once he reaches recovery and learns to look beyond his own illness to others’ needs, he will find the right girl. I believe the right girlfriend is out there for him waiting for him to reach the light.

   I often got angry while I was sick that I couldn’t find Mr. Right. I bounced from one bad relationship to the other. The men were not the right ones. Then I spent a long time alone. I wondered if Mr. Right existed. I decided I would spend my life alone. It wasn’t untill I started to step into the light that I found my husband. I wondered why God took so long to bring him to me. In time I realized if I had met him sooner I could have never been as loving, supportive, and able to give back to him as I am now while I’m well.

   I’m a better wife because I can take care of myself and handle my mental illness. Without my new found strength I could not be there for him as I am now. I take care of myself and him. God waited for us to meet until he knew I was ready and able to be a good companion, friend, and so much more.

   Don’t rush into relationships until you take care of yourself first. Get the treatment for your illness, reach for recovery, and then pursue healthy relationships. If you’re lucky to find a friend who stands by you even when you can’t give back, cherish him or her, and when you reach recovery, be that friend you always wanted to be to him or her. I had a good friend who stood beside me and now I thank her and give her support like she gave me.

   Because I reached recovery I can be in healthy relationships and I can contribute. I see others’ needs and I’m a stronger person because of it. Being able to be a helpful partner in my relationships helps me stay within the light.

 

 

   Getting ready for Christmas is stressful for anybody, but can be very overwhelming if you’re struggling with mental illness. It can trigger depression, or give you anxiety attacks and even panic attacks. There are gifts to buy, family coming into town, family get together, and parties. It is expected to be a happy time of year, but when you’re depressed, it’s hard to find happiness. How do you take care of your illness and prepare for the holiday? How do you go shopping without being overwhelmed?

Here are a few tips to help you prepare and survive the Christmas chaos:

• Budget your money for gifts and your bills. Don’t buy lavish, expensive gifts. It’s not about how much you spend. You may find it comforting to make your own gifts. Homemade gifts have so much more meaning and can be therapeutic. Make sure your everyday bills are paid first before you spend it on presents. Give yourself a limit on how much you spend.

 

• Don’t let the chaos of stores stress you out. Stores are extremely busy this time of year and overwhelming. If you find the atmosphere too much to handle, take deep breaths, keep focused on what you need, and spend as little time as possible in the craziness. Keep calm. Have a list of what you want to buy, get it, and leave once it’s paid for. Spending extra time in the store may increase your anxiety and become very stressful. If the chaos is too much, shop on-line.

 

• Take care of yourself. Despite all the preparations for Christmas, remember you come first. Don’t let the expectations of being happy, of finding money among paying bills for presents, and the craziness take control of you. Do relaxation techniques, take your medications, fight your negative thoughts, and do your regular self-care methods you do all year around. You come first. Nurture yourself. If you need alone time, then spend some time at a quiet place or at home, but make sure you are taking care of your emotional needs while you’re alone.

 

• Avoid things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don’t go to that party just because you think everyone expects you to. If you’re feeling too down or overwhelmed to go, then say no. If spending time with your family means getting into fights or becoming depressed, then tell them you’re not up to it. If sitting alone at home deepens your sadness, then find a friend to spend time with, Skype a long distance family member, or call someone close.

 

• Look at the reason for the celebration. If no matter how hard you try you can’t enjoy the holiday, look to God for help and remember the true meaning of the holiday. It’s not about gifts, get togethers, and decorations; it’s about the birth of Jesus. Let God’s gift to us bring some light into your soul. Pray to him for guidance through the holidays. Go to regular and special church service. He’s the only one who can help you reach the light.

  It’s hard to be happy during holidays if your soul is filled with darkness, but it’s important to take care of yourself. Taking steps to help get through the holidays is important. You can’t erase what you feel inside, but you can strive to reach for the light. If you’re in recovery don’t let the season drag you into sadness. Take care of yourself first and take the necessary steps to stay in the light. Remember to stay positive.

   I’m taking the steps I need to keep myself in recovery. There are down days, but I work hard to rise above them. I take each day one at a time. When I do get stressed and overwhelmed, I take extra time to do what I need to help myself through. Because of this, I dance in the light of God’s glory.

 

   Pets can serve many purposes in a person’s life. They become part of the family, like a child to those who can’t have children, a companion, a helper for those with handicaps, and a comfort to those with different kinds of illnesses, including mental illness. Some people have dogs that help them with their anxiety, depression, or other mental illnesses. Some dogs are trained just for this purpose and some dogs have that natural calming effect.

  This Wednesday I went to my foot doctor after getting a MRI on my ankle. I have been going to therapy for about four weeks for ankle pain. Nothing seemed to ease my pain, so my foot doctor arranged for me to get a MRI. I sat in his office while he explained the results. The weeks before I got the results I worked hard at fighting my worries and convincing myself he wouldn’t find anything, but he did.

   “You have a tear in your ligament,” my doctor said.

   I fought to hold my tears back until we left the office. I felt the darkness seep into my soul. I have gone through so many physical problems and had foot surgery on the same foot two years ago. When would the pain end? I felt helpless, angry, and sad. My husband took me to lunch. At lunch he looked into my eyes and said, “Cheer up. We’ll go to the animal shelter at noon and find a dog to bring home.”

   I doubted we’d find a dog. I also doubt I could love another dog as much as I loved my departed Elli, but agreed to go to the shelter. I walked into the shelter and the place rang out with barking, but in this one cage was a medium size dog named Esther. She didn’t make a noise. Esther sat on her bed with forlorn eyes. She stole my heart. I knew I had to have her.

  While we adopted Esther, my sadness faded. The forlorn dog formed a bond with me and my husband right away. When we took her home, she snuggled up on my lap, and suddenly the bad news I received earlier that morning faded to the back of my mind. Her sweet and loving personality brought light into my dark day. Her personality comforted me when I needed it. I miss my departed dog Elli, but found a new love for Esther.

  While I’m back to wearing a boot to work and facing possible surgery, Esther gives me unconditional love and comfort. Having a loving husband who cared enough to know we needed a new little one to brighten our days and help me face my sadness means the world to me.

   Esther and my previous dogs comforted me in different ways when I needed it the most. They give me that unconditional love that shines a light in the darkest times of my life. I’m excited to have Esther in my life as my baby girl for many years.

   If you’re feeling lonely and deeply depressed, a pet could bring you the comfort you are longing for. I believe each of my dogs was brought to me by God. Maybe God has a special one for you. Don’t pick any pet. Find one that steals your heart and you just know he or she is the one to fill your soul.

  When I lost Elli, a light went out in my soul. I felt empty and lost. Esther has helped fill my soul again. A new light shines all around me.

 

 

  Do you know that old saying, “You can’t help those who won’t help themselves?” Well, that holds true for those with mental illness. In order to help a person who suffers with mental illness, the person must want, deep down in his or her heart, to reach recovery. If he or she lacks the drive to get help or fight the illness, then all you can do is listen, encourage, and show them how to get help. If he or she continues to refuse help, you may need to distance yourself from him or her so that you’re not dragged down into his or her dark hole.

  I have a friend who tells everyone how miserable and depressed she is. When you give her advice and encourage her to get better, she refuses to listen. She takes herself off her antidepressants and doesn’t take them the way they are prescribed to her. She thrives on people’s sympathy and has no drive to reach recovery. I even suggested my psychiatrist to her, but she failed to listen to his instructions. She said he wasn’t helping her and she left him.

   I couldn’t feel sorry for her. I tried to listen and be supportive, but she became too much and I had to distance myself. I knew it had to be her choice to get better and I had done all I could to help her. There was nothing else I could do. I had to take care of my well-being and not allow her to pull me down.

   I had another friend who went to see a therapist and took her medication, but refused to do the work to reach for recovery. Medication and therapy are only part of getting well; you must also fight and work hard to change your thoughts and actions. She was too busy being depressed about all the bad stuff in her life. She dramatized everything. She blamed everyone and everything for her sadness. We were friends for many years. When we were both sick, we were a comfort to each other, but I worked hard to get better while she sat at the bottom of the hole. I tried to listen, be supportive and encourage her to reach for recovery, but she started to drag me down. Everything was about her and how awful her life was. She wouldn’t even try to change her thought pattern.

   I tried to distance myself, but that only angered her. She called me names and accused me of manipulating her. I had no choice but to end the friendship. Her dramatic life was too much for me to handle. I needed to take care of myself so I could stay in recovery.

   You can’t force anyone to get help or force them to help him or herself. You can show him or her how to get help, make suggestions, listen, and be supportive and encouraging. He or she must choose to reach for the light. A person who is ill can drag you down if you allow it. Sometimes you must make the decision to distance yourself until he or she gets help or if he or she is too much to handle then you may need to walk away. If the person refuses to get better then you must think about your well-being.

   If you live with the person who will not help him or herself or are unable to distance yourself, you must take care of yourself. Remind yourself you are not to blame for the illness and it is not up to you to take care of the person. It might help to get counseling for yourself or turn to friends for support. Refuse to allow that person to drag you into his or her hole. It’s important to remind yourself of the positive things in your life and keep yourself healthy. It’s not easy.

   When I was ill, it took me some time to reach for help, but when I finally did, I fought with all I had in me to get better. Because I was willing to fight to get well and accept the help of others, I stand bravely in the light.