Tag: Friendship

MY FRIEND BARB

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

Friends come and go in our lives. Each friend makes a different impact on your life and heart. Even bad friendships teach you lessons. Some friends are only meant to come in your life for a short time, and some span over many years. Those that last for many years are very special and only get stronger through the years. Barb was one of those special friends that lasted for many years.

 I met Barb almost twenty-nine years ago as a regular customer of mine at the grocery store where I work . She had some problems walking and talking, but it didn’t stop her from coming in the store regularly to shop and visit me. First, she came to me when I was a bagger. I packed her groceries and chatted with her. Then when I became a cashier, she started coming to my line even if she had to wait a while. Our store had a play area for parents to leave their children while they shopped.

Barb would smile at me. “I think I would love to work with the kids. Do you think they will hire me?”

I sent her groceries down the belt. “I’m sure they would. Stop at the service desk and get an application.”

“I will and I’ll put you down as a reference,” she said.

I don’t think she ever filled out an application, because each time she came in, she talked about working at the area where the kids played. I kept encouraging her to apply.

Then I had to take some time off for sick leave after my relationship with my abusive ex landed me in the mental health hospital. When I returned to work, I was moved to the bakery. Barb found me in the bakery and would stop by to say hi and chat with me while I worked. Even though she had some problems walking, it didn’t stop her from walking around our big store. She didn’t let anything stand in her way.

Then I met my friend Kelly at Saint Davids Christian Writers Conference and learned she lived in the same city where I worked. Kelly invited me to attend her Bible study group held at her church. I agreed and showed up.

Barb came strolling in late and pointed at me. “Hey, I know you.”

It wasn’t until that Bible study group that I learned Barb’s name and we started a friendship. After that Barb invited me to her home for picnics, parties, and to visit. I learned that Barb loved to host parties. The more I got to know her, the closer we became. Barb reminded me of myself in many ways. She was determined and she wouldn’t let anything stand in her way. Just like I wouldn’t let bullying and mental illness to stand in my way.

When I met my husband, I introduced her to him and he started calling her, “Barbra Streisand,” and it put a big smile on her lips. In time her walking and talking became harder for Barb. She was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I encouraged her to use a motorized cart to shop at the store.

“As long as I have a cart to lean on, I can walk on my own,” she told me.

She wasn’t about to let the disease win. She pushed forward and when I asked her if she needed help to her car, he told me she wasn’t an elderly person, she could do it. The longer I knew her, the worse it became for her to walk and talk. I had to learn to interpret some of what she said, and even though she moved slower, she still walked around the store. She was too determined and stubborn to give in.

She lived in a home that had many stairs to get to the first floor. At first, she did them well while holding on to the rail, but then she became slower and eventually had to slide down each step, but like the grocery store, she wasn’t going to let the stairs defeat her. Barb was inspiring.

When she started using a walker and eventually a wheelchair, I knew the cerebral palsy was becoming worse, but even though she needed help, she wasn’t a quitter. At home she used railings that were installed to help her walk around. She struggled but pushed on. Her speech became even worse and understanding what she was saying became even harder, but it didn’t stop her from trying to get her words out. I could hear the frustration in her voice as she tried to talk to me. It finally came to the point Barb could no longer visit me at work. I tried to call her and check on her, but felt bad when I couldn’t understand what she was saying to me.

Eventually her daughter had to move her to assisted living. I planned to visit her during my vacation the week after Father’s Day, but I got sick and then my husband got sick. Before I knew it, her daughter posted on Facebook she was in respiratory distress and she wasn’t sure if Barb would make it through the night, but Barb wasn’t willing to give up without a fight. Barb was transferred to her home and her daughter stayed at her side while hospice took care of her. I planned to go see her Friday after work to say my goodbyes, but I ended up taking my husband to the emergency room. Barb passed away after midnight on Saturday morning.

Barb fought all the way to the end. She never allowed anything to stand in her way; she pushed through her decline due to her disease with strength, determination, and stubbornness. She had a beautiful smile that lit up the room and loved to give from the heart. I don’t believe cerebral palsy won. She may have passed away, but she gained her angel wings and a new body. She has left an everlasting impact on my life and the memory of her will remind me how important it is to never let anything hold you down.

Barb has made my life brighter and inspired me to be stronger. Barb has entered the light of heaven and I will allow her memory to inspire me to never let anything to keep me from the light of my recovery from mental illness.

HOW TO BE A FRIEND TO SOMEONE WITHMENTAL ILLNESS

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Friendships are valuable relationships we hold onto strongly. Good friends support us in good and bad times, and we do the same for them. When we feel alone, when we are at our lowest, or when we suffer a loss, a good friend is at our side. When we are happy, when we accomplish something, or when we start new beginnings, our friend celebrates with us.

But how can we be friends with someone who may not be able to give back, who has an illness we don’t understand, and who is negative and sad? How can we be friends with someone who has mental illness?

For many with mental illness, it’s hard to find a friend who will not run from you, use you, or judge you. Friendships are very hard to come by because many do not know how to be a friend to someone who is sick. I was lucky that when I was in the darkest, part of my hole, I had a very good friend who stuck at my side. She knew what to do without me telling her. Not so many are that lucky.

I have a few tips on how to be a good friend to someone struggling with mental illness. Here are my tips:

  • Be willing to listen. A person with mental illness is struggling with thoughts and emotions that are overpowering. He or she often needs to express what is happening inside and all he or she needs from you is for you to listen. Let your friend talk and get his or her feelings out without interruptions.
  • Educate yourself about your friend’s illness. Find out what kind of illness your friend suffers with and research it. If possible, go to a few therapy sessions with him or her. By learning as much as you can about your friend’s illness, you will know how to help him or her better and you will understand some of his or her symptoms. You will also learn what the signs are when he or she is in crisis and needs serious help.
  • Don’t lecture your friend. If your friend is sad and doesn’t know why or if your friend lies in bed all day don’t lecture him or her. He or she doesn’t need lectures for his or her action; instead your friend needs positivity and encouragement. Lectures only make him or her feel more alone and misunderstood, sending him or her deeper into his or her hole.
  • Ask your friend what he or she needs from you. Your friend may have special needs that you’re not aware of, like having someone to just sit with him or her, needing to get out of the house, or needing help with meals. If he or she doesn’t know what he or she needs, then don’t push. Simple things are helpful when a person is struggling with mental illness like a hug, a shoulder to cry on, and a warm smile.
  • Be available when your friend needs support. Part of being a good friend to someone with mental illness is becoming part of his or her support team. By doing this, you must be available for him or her to turn to when he or she is really struggling. If your friend calls you late at night crying or in the middle of the afternoon because he or she feels like giving up, be available. Of course, you can’t be available twenty-four hours a day, but be available as much as you can. Don’t avoid your friend’s calls because you don’t want to bother with him or her. If you can’t handle his or her illness, tell him or her before you commit to being a friend and a part of their support team. It may hurt him or her, but being ignored hurts even more.
  • Be understanding. Your friend might sleep a lot, may say things he or she doesn’t mean, may not be comfortable in social settings, and may not be able to give back to the friendship. Don’t get mad at him or her. Understand that this person is just trying to make it from day to day. If your friend tells you he or she is sad and doesn’t know why, understand it’s part of the illness. If your friend cancels plans or wants to leave a social event, be understanding. If the person doesn’t talk to your other friends or family and only you, be understanding that it is a symptom of his or her illness.
  • Be positive even when your friend is not. Many who struggle with mental illness can only see the worst side of life and the things around them. They need to be reminded that there are still positive things in their lives. When your friend is being negative, remind him or her of the positive things. Don’t tell him or her about negative things in your own life. He or she is unable to handle it unless in recovery.

Being a friend to someone who is struggling with mental illness is not easy, but it is worth it. Cheryl was my friend when I was at my worst, and she was there for me when I could not give back to her. She listened to me cry my eyes out at two a.m. and stayed on the phone until she got me laughing. She pulled me out of the road when I wanted to die. Now that I’m in recovery, I am strong enough to give back to her. Now we are at each other’s sides.

If you can’t handle mental illnesses or you are struggling with your own illness and problems, let your friend know. Let him or her down kindly. It may hurt him or her deeply, but you must take care of yourself. Know your own boundaries before you enter the friendship.

Cheryl and I are soul friends and sisters at heart. Because of her support when I was at my lowest, I am here today to share my story. Now she often uses these blog posts to help me when I am having a hard time. With her help I stay strong in the light of recovery.