Being a caregiver is a very hard and trying job. We love our loved ones (LO), but taking care of them can be very difficult. We are the ones they know well and the ones telling them what they can or can’t do, cleaning up after them, and in some ways invading their privacy. We take on a role that is self-sacrificing. We often give up our own needs for the ones of our LO’s, but even caregivers have limits. We as caregivers must understand our limits and know when to ask for help.
My LO is in the early stages of dementia, but there is still a lot I must do. I have to fix him a lunch and set up reminders for him to eat it before I go to work. I have to remind him to shower and change his clothes. I have to watch his diet because he has diabetes. I also have to keep track of all our finances and important matters. Much of what I must do does not come easily. He gets mad at me and argues with me. It’s hard to tell a grown man he needs to shower and change his clothes without insulting him. He takes offense.
I often feel like the bad guy. I’m the one who tells him he can’t have his sugary sweets or drinks. I’m the one who has to enforce the fact that he can’t drive anymore or work. I’m the one he says is always nagging him to do things he forgot to do and who takes things away from him. It’s hard to be the enemy. It hurts and takes a lot out of me emotionally. Sometimes I don’t want to argue so I let him have that doughnut or lemonade. I want things to go back to the way they used to be when we worked as a team, but I know things will only get worse.
I go to therapy to talk about what is going on with my LO and to keep my mental health stable. My therapist has been telling me for several sessions that I need to find in-home care for my LO and I need to know my limits. I have been resisting getting help because I know he won’t like it. My LO is determined that he can take care of himself. He can to a point. There are things he needs extra help with, and I have been trying hard to help him. He’s very stubborn and seems even more stubborn now.
My therapist is right. I need to know my limits and understand not to push them too far. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. My LO is not quite old enough to get help through Medicare. I texted a good friend about needing to find in-home care for my husband. She suggested a program called Voices for Independence. It’s a program that helps people with disabilities be able to live their lives independently. Dementia is a disability and an illness. I called them and we have an appointment in our home this Thursday.
Unsure how to tell my husband about this appointment, I posted on a dementia support group on Facebook. They told me to say I need help, which is true. I need help because I’m pushing myself beyond my limits and it’s affecting me emotionally. I can only do so much for him. I know some care givers have it a lot harder than me, but I also know if I understand my limits now, it will help me in the future when my LO’s illness progresses. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.
I know I must take care of not only my LO, but also my mental health. Being a caregiver takes a lot out of us mentally and physically. We as caregivers must also take care of ourselves and know when to seek extra help even if that means getting another caregiver, looking into nursing facilities, or turning to friends and family for support. Understanding our limits and obeying them will help us be better care givers.
I’m hoping the appointment with Voices of Independence will go well Thursday. If not, I will investigate other options. Knowing I have limits and being willing to ask for help keeps me standing in the light of recovery.
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