Tag: Asking for help

I DIDN’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

One of the hardest things to do is ask for help. Many of us want to be independent and handle things on our own. I know I thought that way in college. I knew something was wrong with me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t keep food down, I was depressed, I was suicidal, and I felt hopeless. I thought I could handle it all by myself. I believed if I asked for help, I would be weak. I was wrong.

In college I put on a show for my family, making them think I was okay when I was not. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I feared if I asked for help, my family wouldn’t understand. How could they if I didn’t understand it myself? I thought I was losing my mind. I knew deep down something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. If I told my parents what was happening to me, I figured they would think I was crazy or overly dramatic. So, I went to great lengths to hide my inner pain from them.

I lived with my grandparents while I was in college. They enjoyed having me there. They went out of their way to spoil me and encourage me. The last thing I wanted was to be a burden to them. They agreed to allow me to stay with them while I went to college; They didn’t agree to be carrying the weight of a young adult who was feeling very powerful emotions and planning her death. I was afraid it would tear them apart if they knew how sick I was. I didn’t want to be a burden to my parents either. They were taking care of my brother and younger sister who were still in school; the last thing they needed was to worry about me.

I was also ashamed by what I was going through. I had no reason to be depressed: my grandpa checked the fluids in my car every morning, Grandma bought me my favorite foods, and they refused to let me help around the house. My grandma always told me to focus on my studies and not worry about helping. What reason did I have to be depressed, to feel hopeless, to cry easily, and to lie awake each night fighting with my thoughts. I was also ashamed to tell them despite all they were doing for me, that I wanted to take my life.

I was afraid that after rising above bullying to succeed in high school and to graduate with five scholarships that I was failing. I had a hidden hero speech given about me at my graduation, and here I was at college barely able to make it through each day. I fought to keep awake in class, and I threw up in the mornings and before class. I was supposed to enjoy college, make new friends, and be strong, but I felt like I was in a dark cloud. I studied hard in between injuring myself and I got good grades, but that didn’t even make me feel happy. I felt like a failure.

Now years later I think back to how I was afraid to ask for help and wonder what would have happened if I had confided in my parents sooner. I know my mom would have gone to great lengths to find me help, because that’s what she did when I finally told them what I was going through. I would have been diagnosed sooner and could have gotten help before I hit the very bottom of my dark hole. With proper counseling I could have avoided attempts at suicide and learned to cope without self-injuring. I realized that I didn’t have to struggle for so long alone.

Asking for help is a big step in the recovery process. If you don’t feel comfortable turning to a group of people, then pick one person to say, “I’m having a hard time right now.” Choose someone you trust like a family member or friend. Turn to a therapist, doctor, counselor, or another professional. If you struggle with talking about your feelings, then write them down and give them to a friend, a family member, or professional to read.

When I finally asked for help, my mom went to a nearby city to help find me a therapist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started going to therapy and reached recovery for several years. When I fell down the dark hole again, I asked for help right away. I knew that I couldn’t reach recovery again without support. I learned that I couldn’t handle mental illness alone.

Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not a failure for being sick. It takes strength to ask for help and it’s an important part of the journey to recovery. You can’t fight this illness on your own. Like any other illness, you need help to get through it. Don’t be afraid to reach out and say, “I need help.” You can’t carry the pain of mental illness by yourself.

It took courage for me to admit I needed help, and because I chose to ask for it, I have been standing in recovery for several years.

UNDERSTANDING MY LIMITS

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Being a caregiver is a very hard and trying job. We love our loved ones (LO), but taking care of them can be very difficult. We are the ones they know well and the ones telling them what they can or can’t do, cleaning up after them, and in some ways invading their privacy. We take on a role that is self-sacrificing. We often give up our own needs for the ones of our LO’s, but even caregivers have limits. We as caregivers must understand our limits and know when to ask for help.

My LO is in the early stages of dementia, but there is still a lot I must do. I have to fix him a lunch and set up reminders for him to eat it before I go to work. I have to remind him to shower and change his clothes. I have to watch his diet because he has diabetes. I also have to keep track of all our finances and important matters. Much of what I must do does not come easily. He gets mad at me and argues with me. It’s hard to tell a grown man he needs to shower and change his clothes without insulting him. He takes offense.

I often feel like the bad guy. I’m the one who tells him he can’t have his sugary sweets or drinks. I’m the one who has to enforce the fact that he can’t drive anymore or work. I’m the one he says is always nagging him to do things he forgot to do and who takes things away from him. It’s hard to be the enemy. It hurts and takes a lot out of me emotionally. Sometimes I don’t want to argue so I let him have that doughnut or lemonade. I want things to go back to the way they used to be when we worked as a team, but I know things will only get worse.

I go to therapy to talk about what is going on with my LO and to keep my mental health stable. My therapist has been telling me for several sessions that I need to find in-home care for my LO and I need to know my limits. I have been resisting getting help because I know he won’t like it. My LO is determined that he can take care of himself. He can to a point. There are things he needs extra help with, and I have been trying hard to help him. He’s very stubborn and seems even more stubborn now.

My therapist is right. I need to know my limits and understand not to push them too far. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help. My LO is not quite old enough to get help through Medicare. I texted a good friend about needing to find in-home care for my husband. She suggested a program called Voices for Independence. It’s a program that helps people with disabilities be able to live their lives independently. Dementia is a disability and an illness. I called them and we have an appointment in our home this Thursday.

Unsure how to tell my husband about this appointment, I posted on a dementia support group on Facebook. They told me to say I need help, which is true. I need help because I’m pushing myself beyond my limits and it’s affecting me emotionally. I can only do so much for him. I know some care givers have it a lot harder than me, but I also know if I understand my limits now, it will help me in the future when my LO’s illness progresses. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help.

I know I must take care of not only my LO, but also my mental health. Being a caregiver takes a lot out of us mentally and physically. We as caregivers must also take care of ourselves and know when to seek extra help even if that means getting another caregiver, looking into nursing facilities, or turning to friends and family for support. Understanding our limits and obeying them will help us be better care givers.

I’m hoping the appointment with Voices of Independence will go well Thursday. If not, I will investigate other options. Knowing I have limits and being willing to ask for help keeps me standing in the light of recovery.

FIRST THERAPY APPOINTMENT

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Going to your first therapy appointment can be scary and it can make you very nervous. You may wonder if you’re taking the right step, if you will like your therapist, if the therapist any good, or what happens in therapy? Going to a counselor for the first time isn’t easy, and it doesn’t get any easier even when you return to therapy while in recovery. It’s a huge step forward.

Therapy is sitting down with a total stranger to ask for help. Your therapist must make you feel comfortable, gain your trust, and find ways to treat you. You must learn to trust your counselor and find the strength to bare your soul to him or her. Once you feel comfortable with your therapist and he or she gains your trust, you have to tell them everything, even your deepest secrets. If you don’t, he or she can’t help you.

Through the years I have had several therapists. My first therapist told me I was injuring myself to hurt others, and I came home from therapy in tears. I once had a therapist who told me to think happy thoughts and I would feel better. I had another therapist who was very nice but talked a lot about herself. Those were bad therapists, but not all therapists are bad. If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist, or if he or she gives you bad advice or makes you feel worse, then look for another one. Don’t give up.

My favorite therapist was Linda. I came to her after my ex-boyfriend threw me out and I was hospitalized. My whole world seemed to have collapsed before me. I had nothing to hold onto. I was injuring, suicidal, and very depressed. At my first appointment with Linda, she introduced herself and brought me to her office. From the moment I entered her office I felt comfortable. She asked me questions about my illness, about my life, and about my family. I told her about my ex, my loss of friends, my feelings, and a little bit about me with tear filled eyes. Linda had a special way that made it easy to talk to her. It didn’t take long for me to trust her. She incorporated my ability to write into my therapy, she gave me homework, she listened caringly, and she helped me reach recovery.

Last Thursday I returned to therapy after several years without. I should have been a pro at it after years of therapy, but I was still nervous. I desperately wished I could see Linda again, but she changed job sites. I started new with a stranger. Before my appointment, my stomach twisted and my nerves were on edge. Questions filled my head: Will she be good? Can I trust her? Will I feel comfortable with her?

When I got to her office, I filled out some paperwork, and then she took me back to a room. Once we sat down, she asked me to tell her about myself. I told her about my mental health history, about my husband, and about my writing. I even told her about working for One Life Project. She asked me about the people in my life like family and friends. I found out she was recovering from breast cancer, and I told her about my journey with cancer. She said, “We were sisters.” I also found out she was a dog lover like me, and her dogs often come to the office with her.

I felt comfortable with her right away. Talking to her came easily. The hour went by quickly. When she asked if I wanted to come back, I agreed. She told me to think about what I would like to work on with her, and at the next appointment she’ll come up with a treatment plan. I had nothing to be nervous about.

Going to therapy this time is different. I’m not going because I’m very sick. I’m going to make sure I stay in recovery while dealing with my husband’s illness and to find coping techniques. I’ve come a long way since the first time I started therapy way back when I was in college, but staring therapy again was still a bit scary. It’s not easy to start over again with a stranger, but I’m doing it.

Therapy may be scary and nerve wracking but it’s worth it. Asking for help and getting it is the first step towards recovery. You may feel comfortable with your therapist right away or it may take time. Then there’s the chance you don’t feel comfortable with your counselor at all. Don’t give up on therapy. If you don’t like your therapist, keep searching until you find the one that you feel comfortable with.

Because I went back to therapy I am working on keeping myself from slipping down that hole again, and this helps me hold onto the light of recovery.