Holidays are a joyous time of year, but also a stressful time, especially this year. With inflation being so high, people are extra stressed about affording the fixings for dinners, for buying gifts, and paying bills. We work hard to keep family traditions going and giving our best to our loved ones. Such stressors like these can increase sadness in those who have depression. It can make the holidays seem bleak and hopeless.
When I was a child, the holidays sent me into a deep hole of depression. When we exchanged names for gifts, I usually got a gag gift and became the joke of the class. Everyone laughed but me. During the holidays I spent a lot of time alone, I got upset easily, and I got into fights with my siblings. I even argued with my parents and cried silently at night.
I felt so alone. I was bullied in school and had very few friends, which worsened my depression. One year I asked for a Ventriloquist puppet so I could have a friend. I got the puppet for Christmas and worked on having it talk without moving my lips. I carried on conversations with it, but it wasn’t the same as having a human friend.
When I met my husband, my holiday depression faded away. He goes out of his way to spoil me with love and gifts. With him I’m never alone and I get wonderful gifts instead of gag gifts. I’m the sparkle in his eyes and he is the sparkle in mine. I enjoy spoiling him too. But this year is extremely hard and stressful. We’ve had a rough year financial. There has been a lot of unexpected problems throughout 2023.
Every year my husband and dad have a tradition of going together to pick out Christmas trees, but this year we don’t have the money for a real tree. My older sister is giving us a fake tree to put up. It’ll be our first fake tree since we got married.
We are struggling to pay bills and put food on the table. Each week I sit down to pay the bills and tears fall because the money won’t stretch far enough. Bills keep coming in that we can’t pay and my stress increases. By the time I pay what I can, we have little money for food. My parents help us out by bringing us some food and we go to our church food bank. I fear my biggest nightmare is coming true. I fear we’re going to go bankrupt and lose everything. This stirs up my anxiety and leaves me struggling with obsessive worrying when I should be sleeping at night.
Stress has led to bouts of depression. I feel like I have failed us. I take care of the bills and I have always been able to pay them until now. What have I done wrong? How will we ever get out of this mess? Will we have to skip Christmas? Will we end up living in a box in an alley? The worries are nonstop day and night. I feel like I can’t breathe.
I’ve been asking to work overtime at work to get more hours. Sometimes they say yes and other times no. I’ve tried an author event in a town forty-five minutes away, hoping to sell some books, but unfortunately very few people showed up. I did sell some bookmarks, that were meant to be given free, to fellow authors. That money got us supper on our trip home. I’m woodburning Christmas ornaments, hoping those will sell to give us a little extra money. I’ve sold two so far.
We have a Christmas account at our bank. I used some of the money to pay some bills, but Lou insisted we keep a little money to get each other a few gifts. We’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner at my parent’s. My parents always send us home with leftovers.
To cope with my stress, bouts of depression, and the holidays, I journal out my feelings and I list five positive things each day. I also turn to my support system, I pray, and I keep myself busy with my writing and woodburning. Most importantly, I take care of myself. I remind myself that money doesn’t make the holidays happy; love does. I rely on God to see us through our difficult times, and I thank God for all who have been helping us in out time of need. Traditions can change, gifts can be small, but love is the largest gift of all. God’s love is what shines in every holiday.
If you’re struggling with the holidays, then write a list of the positive things in your life. Do things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Remember the holidays are about much more than large meals and fancy gifts. Sometimes the best gifts are those from the heart. Make do with what you do have and be grateful that God gave you that. Worry about your stressors for a few minutes and then let them go. Focus on the positive.
These holidays are different for us, but this Thanksgiving I am thankful. I’m thankful for the help of family, for my husband’s love, for having a home, for the support of friends, and for God’s love. Holding onto the positive is what is getting me through the holidays and keeping me standing in the light of recovery.
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