Tag: Support

MISCONCEPTIONS AND DEMENTIA

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Dementia is an awful disease. It robs people of their memory, of themselves, and of their independence. It affects not only the person who has it, but also the people who love him or her. It is a hard illness for a caregiver to deal with, and it is devastating for the one with the illness. Like with any illness, it comes with well-meant intentions and misconceptions of others.

I have a loved one who was diagnosed with dementia. His illness has taken me on an emotional roller coaster. I have turned to friends and my therapist for support. I have found that a lot of people understand, and some don’t. It angers me when people joke about it or have misconceptions about this illness. I want my loved one to be taken seriously and to be treated like a person with feelings, but sometimes that doesn’t happen.

I told a customer of mine that my loved one had dementia, and his reply was, “I’m a little demented too.”

I found his joke insulting. Dementia is not a joke and should be taken seriously. I wanted to yell at him for his comment, but since he was a customer, I just smiled.

I’ve gone to public places and have seen people my loved one and I know. They say hi to me, but not a word to him. I found it odd. Later the people who ignored him told me they didn’t know if he remembered them, so they avoided him. First, my loved one is in the early stages and still remembers people. Second, even if he had forgotten them, he shouldn’t be ignored. He has feelings and can still get hurt. Even if you must reintroduce yourself, you should still acknowledge the person with dementia. It angers me when they ignore him. He’s already feeling bad about having this illness, and now people are avoiding him.

Some people say to me, “He seems fine to me.”

He may seem fine in public or when he’s around people for a little bit, but they aren’t around him enough to see his struggles. I see his frustration when he can’t remember something he told me a minute ago. I must set him reminders on Alexa and yet sometimes he still forgets. I tell him the same things over and over again. I remind him to do simple things like when to eat, when to take a shower, when to put deodorant on, and when to take medicine. He may seem fine to the public eye, but he’s struggling behind closed doors.

Some people told me, “I forget things too because of old age.”

 Memory loss because of old age and forgetfulness are totally different than dementia. I’m a very forgetful person. I write lists and then forget where I put them. Dementia is much more than forgetting a list. It’s forgetting how to get to a place you’ve been to most of your life. It’s forgetting the same thing continuously. I have told my loved one ten times within minutes what time I get out of work for him to forget again. Not only is his memory fading, but a part of him is also fading. Parts of his personality are changing and it’s only going to get worse the further his illness progresses. I just pray he’ll never forget me, but it is a possibility.

I’m working hard to dispel the misconceptions of dementia and to be there at my loved one’s side. On the positive side, I have people who have put my loved one on their prayer chains at church. I have had people share their experiences and give me some excellent advice.

What a person with dementia needs is kindness, love, understanding, and patience. What a caregiver needs are love, support, and understanding. The caregiver goes through this illness with their loved one. They are feeling a lot of emotions, taking on a lot of responsibility, and pushing through each day. Put your misconceptions aside and listen, offer to make a meal for the caregiver, offer to sit with the caregiver’s loved one, offer to help with doing dishes or some other chore, and be willing to listen and give moral support. For the one struggling, don’t ignore them, spend some time with him or her, be patient, give hugs, and be willing to listen. To find out more on how to connect with someone with dementia read Dementia: Keys to Connecting and Caring for Your Loved One: Wert, Beverly J: 9798270166731: Amazon.com: Books.

I stand at my loved one’s side, supporting him, defending him, loving him, and being patient. Making each day special and taking care of myself helps me sit in the light of recovery.

FRIENDSHIPS AND BOUNDARIES

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

True friendship is a special thing, and it doesn’t come easily. A good friendship takes work. Both friends must give equally and understand each other’s boundaries. When a person is struggling with mental illness, it becomes hard to be a good friend. The person struggling has a hard time understanding boundaries and finds it hard to be able to listen and support a friend. Even in recovery a person struggles with friendships and boundaries.

Being a friend to a person in the depth of the hole of mental illness takes a lot of patience, understanding, and strength. A person struggling is trapped in his or her own agony, and he or she finds it impossible to be supportive, able to listen, and honor boundaries. He or she can barely handle his or her own problems let alone others’ problems. They often step on their friend’s boundaries, expecting too much, and become angry when the friend can’t give as much as he or she needs.

When in recovery, a person is stronger and more able to handle other’s problems, but must keep to his or her own boundaries. In recovery he or she are continually taking care of her or himself to stay well. When the struggler is having a hard time, he or she must focus on him or herself. It’s important for the person with mental illness to tell his or her friends when he or she must take a step back for a bit to focus on the persons own well being.

I have been struggling emotionally with my husband’s illness, and now he has another illness on top of that. I’m feeling overwhelmed, sad, and anxious. Several times I have teetered at the edge of that dark hole of depression. I’m trying to prepare for the future while handling what is going on with him now. It’s a lot to handle. I worry a lot, I slip into bouts of depression, and I have anxiety attacks.

A good friend of mine is also going through a hard time and she calls me almost every night to confide in me, but I have found it hard to listen to her problems and deal with my own. I told her I couldn’t handle her problems right now. She replied, “I didn’t ask you to handle my problems.”

When I care about a person and he or she confides in me or vents to me, I become emotionally involved. When I’m struggling with my mental illness, I can’t become involved because I’m barely hanging on. I must put myself first, so I don’t fall down that hole again. That’s when I need to put up my boundaries and stick to them. My friend didn’t call me for a couple of days. I feared she was mad at me. When I told her I was feeling better and could talk to her, she seemed distant.

What I needed from her was support, encouragement, and listening ears while I struggled, but instead I received silence. My Borderline Personality kicked in, and I feared she was abandoning me. I became angry and played over in my head how I would confront her, but I decided instead to write a nice email explaining why I couldn’t listen to her problems. I came to the realization that she too has boundaries and I can’t expect everyone to be able to handle my illness.

In time my friend started confiding in me again. Then my husband and I had an appointment with his doctor about his new illness. I became overwhelmed with the things I needed to do for him. Plus, I’m trying to help my sister with her vision problems and we keep hitting dead ends. I was feeling emotional and when my friend called, I confided in her and forgot to ask about her problems. She became mad at me and when I tried to explain we ended up arguing. I decided for my well being and for the sake of our friendship, I needed to take a break from the friendship. At this point in my life, I need to focus on keeping myself well and depend on friends who can be supportive and understanding.

Not every friend you have understands how to help you or is able to give the support you need during hard times. You can teach them, but it’s up to them if they can handle your illness. If they can’t that is okay. Mental illness is a hard illness to handle, and you must respect your friends’ boundaries. Know which friends you can turn to while you’re struggling and know that those friends also have boundaries. Respecting your friends’ boundaries and letting your friends know about your own boundaries will help you build a strong relationship.

Knowing that I have good friends and using boundaries and respecting boundaries helps me stand tall in the light of recovery.