Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD is often confused with multiple personality disorder, but they are not the same. BPD is an illness that disrupts a person’s life and it can be categorized with PTSD as a trauma-based disorder. It fits a lot of the criteria as a disorder caused by trauma. Many who suffer with this illness faced some form of trauma at a young age.

When I was first diagnosed with BPD, a psychiatrist I was seeing was confused on how I got it. I had and have very loving parents. They never abused me in any way. My psychiatrist insisted that those with this illness were abused by their parents. He was wrong. BPD doesn’t just come from parental abuse; it comes from any kind of abuse. The abuse I suffered was from the bullying I faced as a kid.

You may ask what is Borderline Personality Disorder?  “Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a psychiatric disorder featured by intense fears of abandonment, difficulties in emotion regulation, feelings of emptiness, unstable interpersonal relationships, impulsivity, and heightened risk-taking behaviors, as well as high levels of interpersonal aggression,” states the authors of the research, led by Benjamin Otto of Ruhr-University Bochum in Germany. (Found on Psychology Today website  in an article called How Childhood Trauma Can Trigger Borderline Personality Disorder | Psychology Today.) Symptoms of this illness are rapid mood changes, fear of abandonment, impulsive behavior, unstable relationships, self-harm, explosive anger, and unclear or changing self-image.

If you look at the definition and symptoms, you can see how it can relate to trauma. I can see it in the symptoms of my own illness. I feared and still fear abandonment. When I was bullied, many of my friends or people I thought were my friends, hurt me, turned their backs on me, or moved away. A girl at school did her best to make sure others would not become my friends and she convinced those I thought were my friends to turn their backs on me or they would be picked on. After facing that, how could I not be afraid of abandonment? Repeatedly as a child I felt abandoned.

After being tormented day after day at school, my emotions became out of my control. It didn’t take long from me being sad to suddenly in the middle of an out-of-control episode of anger and rage. I threw things, I fought with my siblings, I called my parents’ names, and I screamed from the top of my lungs. It was like a small flame suddenly turning into an inferno. It was hard to control my emotions. I went from being fine to being a mess in minutes. I had so many emotions from what was happening to me in school that I just couldn’t control them.

I didn’t get caught up in risky behaviors, but I self-injured. In school I pulled my hair and punched hard surfaces. In college I began cutting myself. I felt so many emotions that I had no control over and the emotions hurt worse than the wounds I inflicted on my body. Each nasty thing a fellow classmate or teacher said to me caused an emotional wound. Each day that wound was being dug at and widend. The pain was excruciating and the only way to escape it was to pull my hair or punch something. This allowed me to escape from the hurt even if it was for a few minutes.

The unstable relationships started with friends leaving or turning their backs on me. In high school I became friends with a girl who abused me when I was at my lowest. No matter how badly she hurt me, I couldn’t let her go because I was afraid of being alone. As a young adult, I became friends with people who used me and took advantage of me. I even got into an abusive relationship with a man. I wasn’t sure what a good friendship or relationship was because throughout school I didn’t have too many decent friendships. I had one very good friendship in high school and into my college years and I messed it up because I was afraid she’d hurt me. I wrote her a not so nice letter.

As for my self-image, well, that was a mess. I didn’t know who I was or why I was even alive. Was I the retard my teachers and classmates called me or the smart girl who just learned differently that my mom said I was? I saw myself as a worthless person that God made a mistake in making. I hated myself. Self-hate was basically beaten into me by the names I was called and how I was treated.

As you can see, my BPD was caused by the abuse I faced in school. For those with BPD the trauma can be caused by physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, from neglect, having unstable parents, or parents addicted to drugs and alcohol. The abuse doesn’t have to happen by a parent; it can be from anyone who harms you.

If you think someone in your life is suffering from BPD, get him or her help. Be very selective in finding a therapist or psychiatrist. Not all know how to treat this illness. Research BPD and write down questions for the therapist and psychiatrist. Most importantly, ask them if they have experience in dealing with BPD. Also look into group therapies that are centered around BPD. When I was diagnosed, I participated in a group therapy that taught me a lot of coping techniques.

It took me years of hard work to take control of BPD. With therapy, support and hard work I now have the symptoms of BPD under control, and I stand happily in the light of recovery.