When you’re struggling with mental illness, it’s easy to get into unhealthy relationships. Even if you don’t have a mental illness, you can find yourself in toxic relationships. When I was struggling with mental illness, I became prey to abusive and destructive relationships with boyfriends and friends. I was too sick to see the signs that I was in a toxic relationship, and they ended badly with me getting hurt.

As I worked on my recovery and went to therapy, I began to learn the signs of a toxic relationship. Once I learned the signs, I ended a lot of friendships that were not good for me. I found myself reevaluating what I needed and wanted in friends and boyfriends. Below is a list of the signs of a toxic relationship:

• The relationship is one sided. When you are in a relationship, each person must contribute and support the other. When one person is doing all the work, it is an unhealthy relationship. I had to take a step away from a friend because our friendship suddenly centered all on her. I didn’t get a chance to talk about myself or my needs. I found the friendship too much for me to handle. I needed support too, so I walked away.
• The person is controlling. When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to make your own decisions and do things on your own. When the other person starts telling you what to do and what you can’t do, that is unhealthy. The controlling person might take over all finances, tell you when you can see your friends and family, make decisions for you, and much more. I was in a relationship with an ex-boyfriend who was controlling. He told me what pan I could use to cook in, he spent my money on his needs, he demanded his family was more important than mine, and he made decisions for me. He kicked me out, and that’s when I was put in a mental health hospital and started on my road to recovery.
• The person uses your weaknesses to put you down. A person who knows your weakness and uses them to play with your mind and put you down is toxic. This person will use your fears to manipulate you. For example, if you’re afraid you’re not a good driver, that person will harp on mistakes you make while driving, insult how you drive, and tell you what a bad driver you are. My ex-boyfriend used my self-doubt about being successful against me. He put me down for working as a cashier, told me I failed because I was unable to go on to a four-year college, and insulted me for not getting the degree I wanted. The funny thing was he never went to college and had no degree! After we broke up, I realized I was successful.
• The person is abusive. No one deserves to be abused in any way. If you are being abused physically, sexually, or verbally, you need to find help. Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Words don’t cause physical wounds, but they do cause internal wounds. All abuse is wrong, and you need to get out of that relationship. A friend I trusted abused me sexually, and an ex-boyfriend verbally and sexually abused me. It took me years to recover from these abuses. Luckily, they both eventually broke up with me.
• The person is always jealous. If you’re in a relationship where a partner is jealous every time you go out with friends or talk to another person, then you’re in a toxic relationship. If your friend is jealous of all your accomplishments or because you hang out with other friends without her or him, that is very unhealthy. I had a friend who was jealous because a lot of people I worked with liked me, and her jealousy became a big problem because she started copying me. When I started on my road to recovery, I ended the friendship.
• The person doesn’t support you. When you’re in a relationship with a partner or a friend, you should support each other. You should support each other during good times and bad times. If you are not getting any support, that is a sign that you’re in a bad relationship. I had friendships in the past where I was supporting my friends, but when I needed support, I felt alone. Now that I am in recovery, I have friends who celebrate my accomplishments with me, listen to me when I’m struggling, and give me advice when I need it. I do the same for them.

If you notice some of these signs in a friend or partner, then make the decision to walk away from that relationship. If you are in an unhealthy marriage, try couple therapy. We all deserve to be around and with positive people who give us what we need in our relationships. We live in a harsh world where building good relationships is a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Toxic relationships lead to depression, PTSD, anxiety, stress, and hurt feelings. You deserve healthy and nurturing relationships.

Now that I’m in recovery I have healthy relationships. I have some real good friends and a wonderful husband. I now know when to walk away from toxic relationships, and that helps me stand in the light of recovery.