I’ve been so deep down the hole of darkness and inner agony that I thought the light would never shine again. I cried tears of torment, tears that dripped down my cheeks and hurt like bee stings to the soul. I’ve been stomped down by words, whipped by prejudice, scared by illness, and torn apart by loss. Yet I have always found a way to pull myself up to the light.

What is it that makes us strong enough to weather the torrential rains of life? What pulls us up when we’re lying at the darkest depths of our illness? What makes us strong when we feel weak? How do we stand up when everything seems to be pushing us down?

How often have you wondered if the light would ever shine for you? Have you lost hope that it would? I once lost hope and felt my life was just a dark endless pit of pain. I have lain down at the bottom of my hole and curled up in a ball, begging the Heavenly Father to end my life. When he wouldn’t, I took it on myself to find a way to die, but something wouldn’t let me go. Was it God or my own willpower hidden within my pain? I believe it was both.

There is always a reason for our existence even when we can’t see it. Finding that reason may seem impossible and we might have our eyes closed when pain rears its head, but it’s there. God has a purpose for each one of us. To fulfill our purpose, we must dig deep into our souls, down to the pit of our very being to find willpower, strength, and determination to fight the darkness. To pursue our desire to climb out of the darkness and find our purpose we must fight that awful demon called mental illness. We must take it root by root and use it to pull ourselves up.

I did it. I climbed out of that dark hole, pulling myself up by its roots while setting each root on fire on my way up. I slipped a couple of times, falling back down and lying in my tears and agony for a moment. Then I began my climb to the top again. Once at the top, I searched long and hard for my God-given purpose. I looked hard for it until I realized it was staring at me.

While in the darkness, I gave up on my writing and my dream to publish a book. I thought I was only meant to write short stories for a while. Then one day I found my purpose and realized my writing was my reason for all my suffering. My writing was God’s reason for standing beside me in my darkest days. He knew I could help many with words written in a book, in this blog, and in speeches. I suffered to help and to educate others. My purpose is also to help young people through One Life Project.

Are you sitting at the bottom of your dark hole feeling there is no reason for your existence? If so, dig deep inside yourself for your hidden strength and determination and start climbing towards the light. Are you in the light but have not found your purpose? Sit still, close your eyes, and concentrate. Think about the things you can do, the life you have led, and open your eyes. Then look hard and you’ll find your purpose.

Your struggles and pain are not for nothing. There’s meaning in them. They help you grow and become stronger. They lead you to your reason for living. We struggle so we can stand up tall and do God’s will.

I still tumble into my illness, and at times I stand at the edge of that hole, but I hold on tight to my reason for living and God’s purpose for me. God reaches down to hold me up in the light of recovery.