Tag: abuse

SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

When you’re struggling with mental illness, it’s easy to get into unhealthy relationships. Even if you don’t have a mental illness, you can find yourself in toxic relationships. When I was struggling with mental illness, I became prey to abusive and destructive relationships with boyfriends and friends. I was too sick to see the signs that I was in a toxic relationship, and they ended badly with me getting hurt.

As I worked on my recovery and went to therapy, I began to learn the signs of a toxic relationship. Once I learned the signs, I ended a lot of friendships that were not good for me. I found myself reevaluating what I needed and wanted in friends and boyfriends. Below is a list of the signs of a toxic relationship:

  • The relationship is one sided. When you are in a relationship, each person must contribute and support the other. When one person is doing all the work, it is an unhealthy relationship. I had to take a step away from a friend because our friendship suddenly centered all on her. I didn’t get a chance to talk about myself or my needs. I found the friendship too much for me to handle. I needed support too, so I walked away.
  • The person is controlling. When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to make your own decisions and do things on your own. When the other person starts telling you what to do and what you can’t do, that is unhealthy. The controlling person might take over all finances, tell you when you can see your friends and family, make decisions for you, and much more. I was in a relationship with an ex-boyfriend who was controlling. He told me what pan I could use to cook in, he spent my money on his needs, he demanded his family was more important than mine, and he made decisions for me. He kicked me out, and that’s when I was put in a mental health hospital and started on my road to recovery.
  • The person uses your weaknesses to put you down. A person who knows your weakness and uses them to play with your mind and put you down is toxic. This person will use your fears to manipulate you. For example, if you’re afraid you’re not a good driver, that person will harp on mistakes you make while driving, insult how you drive, and tell you what a bad driver you are. My ex-boyfriend used my self-doubt about being successful against me. He put me down for working as a cashier, told me I failed because I was unable to go on to a four-year college, and insulted me for not getting the degree I wanted. The funny thing was he never went to college and had no degree! After we broke up, I realized I was successful.
  • The person is abusive. No one deserves to be abused in any way. If you are being abused physically, sexually, or verbally, you need to find help. Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Words don’t cause physical wounds, but they do cause internal wounds. All abuse is wrong, and you need to get out of that relationship. A friend I trusted abused me sexually, and an ex-boyfriend verbally and sexually abused me. It took me years to recover from these abuses. Luckily, they both eventually broke up with me.
  • The person is always jealous. If you’re in a relationship where a partner is jealous every time you go out with friends or talk to another person, then you’re in a toxic relationship. If your friend is jealous of all your accomplishments or because you hang out with other friends without her or him, that is very unhealthy. I had a friend who was jealous because a lot of people I worked with liked me, and her jealousy became a big problem because she started copying me. When I started on my road to recovery, I ended the friendship.
  • The person doesn’t support you. When you’re in a relationship with a partner or a friend, you should support each other. You should support each other during good times and bad times. If you are not getting any support, that is a sign that you’re in a bad relationship. I had friendships in the past where I was supporting my friends, but when I needed support, I felt alone. Now that I am in recovery, I have friends who celebrate my accomplishments with me, listen to me when I’m struggling, and give me advice when I need it. I do the same for them.

If you notice some of these signs in a friend or partner, then make the decision to walk away from that relationship. If you are in an unhealthy marriage, try couple therapy. We all deserve to be around and with positive people who give us what we need in our relationships. We live in a harsh world where building good relationships is a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Toxic relationships lead to depression, PTSD, anxiety, stress, and hurt feelings. You deserve healthy and nurturing relationships.

Now that I’m in recovery I have healthy relationships. I have some real good friends and a wonderful husband. I now know when to walk away from toxic relationships, and that helps me stand in the light of recovery.

TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS AND MENTAL ILLNESS

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Getting into toxic relationships can happen to anyone. Sometimes we must go through bad relationships before we find good ones. Some people are more prone to unhealthy relationships than others. Many who have mental illness fall prey to toxic people. These people see the weakness in those struggling and take advantage of that. Those who are struggling find themselves unable to fight back and only sink deeper down the hole.

When I was in high school, I had a friend with an overprotective and in some ways an abusive mother. It took a while before her mother would even let her come over to my house. The friend and I became very close. I was sinking into depression, and she seemed to understand what I was going through. Then my senior year my cousin was killed in a car accident, and I fell into the deepest part of my hole. After I graduated, I moved forty-five minutes away to my grandparents to go to college. I continued to write to my friend and visit her on weekends. The deeper I fell down the hole, the more abusive she became. She played games with my sick mind and abused me in other ways.

I didn’t have many friends growing up and those I did have either moved away or turned on me. I was confused on what a healthy friendship was, and I was too sick to decipher what was wrong or right. I held on to her tightly even though she kept hurting me and it only made me sicker. I became suicidal, I had anxiety attacks that made me sick every day, I couldn’t sleep, and I began to cut and burn myself. I had hit rock bottom. The abuse continued until she moved away to college.

Years after I graduated from college, I was set up on a date. I thought I was in love. I moved in with him and planned to marry him. At first it was great, but slowly his kindness turned to abuse. I couldn’t use certain pans because I might ruin them, my cooking was no good, I was a failure because I was unable to go on to a four-year college, and so on. The verbal abuse worsened and then came physical and sexual abuse. He told everyone how well he took care of me and how awful I was to him. He went to therapy with me and told my therapist how I abused him, and I got lectured. I couldn’t see what he was doing to me. I was falling apart. My illness continued to worsen.

After he kicked me out, I ended up in a mental health hospital. It wasn’t until I started to work towards recovery that I realized what he had done to me and that he preyed on people who were weaker. He used my mental illness to get pats on the back for taking care of me.

Later, the abuse I went through with my friend and ex-boyfriend led to PTSD. I had nightmares of what happened to me. For a long time I was uncomfortable with hugs from other women because it sent me back to the abuse I received from my friend. I struggled for years trying to understand what happened to me. I’m not sure if my friend did it because of her mother or because she saw her chance to take advantage of someone weaker. For a long time I thought it was my fault, because I let it happen. I was too sick to fight back, and I allowed myself to be abused. I had to work through that in therapy.

After my ex-boyfriend, I swore off men. I moved back home with my parents and planned to live with them for the rest of my life. How could I ever trust another man again? I lost a lot of friends because of my ex and I lost myself. I had to work on it in therapy. Even when I met my husband, I was afraid to trust him, but it became impossible to deny that I was falling in love with him.

No one deserves to be in a toxic relationship. No one deserves to be abused. If you’re in a bad relationship, walk away. Look for the signs of a bad relationship such as physical harm, verbal insults, controlling behaviors, being forced into uncomfortable situations, refusing to let you be around friends and family, and forced sex. You are important and you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness.

I am now in a very healthy relationship with my husband. I have some very good friends who treat me with kindness and respect. Because I am in healthy relationships, I stand in the light of recovery with happiness in my heart.

ADULTS ARE BULLIED TOO

Published on by Aimee Eddy6 Comments

We hear quite a bit about children being bullied. It is a big topic in the news and on social media. However, the fight against bullying should stretch beyond the walls of schools because bullying also happens to adults in their workplaces, communities, and even churches. Many children who bully learned how from their parents. They see their parents bully and think it is all right.

I have never faced bullying in my community, workplace, or church, but I have witnessed it. Being a victim of bullying as a child, I know how harmful this type of abuse is to a person. I worked in the bakery department of a grocery store and witnessed bullying. A Greek woman worked there with us. The others found fault with her traditions, how she did things at work, her accent, and so on. They insulted her accent and her lack of knowledge of American ways. They made snide comments to her and made fun of her behind her back. They insulted the work she did, and they did what they could to get her in trouble.

I enjoyed working with the Greek lady and learning about her customs and country. I even admired her accent. The others claimed that she had been in our country long enough that she should not have an accent. They were foolish. You don’t just grow out of it, especially if she still spoke the language at home. To me her accent made her unique and exciting.

They bullied her daily and when she tried to fight back, the manager punished her for it. The abuse got so bad that she left the store and found a new job. I see her from time to time and we fill each other in on our lives. She is much happier now. I was and am angered that she was bullied so badly she had no choice but to leave. I’m angry that the manager of the bakery didn’t defend her. Bullying should never happen in a workplace and this should have never happened to my co-worker.

I also witnessed bullying in a small church I was going to. One woman seemed to take it on herself to run everything, and she had her faithful followers. If she didn’t like someone, neither did her followers. She bullied a person who means a lot to me. She made this person feel small and worthless. When the person tried to revive the Sunday school, the woman put her down and made it evident that the person would fail. Other church people joined in on the bullying. They excluded the person from events, put down her clothing styles, her role as a housewife, and so on. The person struggled emotionally with the bullying. It dragged her down and tore at her self-esteem. She was judged in the place where she was supposed to receive acceptance. She ended up leaving the church. The only person who is supposed to judge us is God, not our fellow parishioners.

Gossip is a big problem in communities and even in workplaces. One person tells something about a person, and by the time it gets around it turns into a whole other story. People’s lives are destroyed by gossip. That odd man who keeps to himself killed his son, then it turns to he killed his son and wife and next he killed a family that suddenly moved away in the night. What they may not know is that odd man is simply different and lived an interesting life. He may be just waiting for the right person to tell his story to. His son may have died unexpectedly from an illness.

We need to fight bullying not only in our schools but outside of our schools. If we show our children how to treat each other with respect and teach them not to judge by our example, then maybe we can prevent some bullying in schools. It’s our job to not only stand up against bullying in schools, but to stand up against all bullying. Wheter the victim is a defenseless child or an adult, this type of abuse is damaging and needs to stop. Stand with me to stop bullying.

I’m working hard at spreading the word wherever and whenever I can that bullying is abuse and we must rise together to stop it. In advocating against bullying, I am healing my own wounds and helping others. I am standing stronger in the light of recovery.