Tag: depression

I DIDN’T HAVE TO DO IT ALONE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

One of the hardest things to do is ask for help. Many of us want to be independent and handle things on our own. I know I thought that way in college. I knew something was wrong with me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t keep food down, I was depressed, I was suicidal, and I felt hopeless. I thought I could handle it all by myself. I believed if I asked for help, I would be weak. I was wrong.

In college I put on a show for my family, making them think I was okay when I was not. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I feared if I asked for help, my family wouldn’t understand. How could they if I didn’t understand it myself? I thought I was losing my mind. I knew deep down something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. If I told my parents what was happening to me, I figured they would think I was crazy or overly dramatic. So, I went to great lengths to hide my inner pain from them.

I lived with my grandparents while I was in college. They enjoyed having me there. They went out of their way to spoil me and encourage me. The last thing I wanted was to be a burden to them. They agreed to allow me to stay with them while I went to college; They didn’t agree to be carrying the weight of a young adult who was feeling very powerful emotions and planning her death. I was afraid it would tear them apart if they knew how sick I was. I didn’t want to be a burden to my parents either. They were taking care of my brother and younger sister who were still in school; the last thing they needed was to worry about me.

I was also ashamed by what I was going through. I had no reason to be depressed: my grandpa checked the fluids in my car every morning, Grandma bought me my favorite foods, and they refused to let me help around the house. My grandma always told me to focus on my studies and not worry about helping. What reason did I have to be depressed, to feel hopeless, to cry easily, and to lie awake each night fighting with my thoughts. I was also ashamed to tell them despite all they were doing for me, that I wanted to take my life.

I was afraid that after rising above bullying to succeed in high school and to graduate with five scholarships that I was failing. I had a hidden hero speech given about me at my graduation, and here I was at college barely able to make it through each day. I fought to keep awake in class, and I threw up in the mornings and before class. I was supposed to enjoy college, make new friends, and be strong, but I felt like I was in a dark cloud. I studied hard in between injuring myself and I got good grades, but that didn’t even make me feel happy. I felt like a failure.

Now years later I think back to how I was afraid to ask for help and wonder what would have happened if I had confided in my parents sooner. I know my mom would have gone to great lengths to find me help, because that’s what she did when I finally told them what I was going through. I would have been diagnosed sooner and could have gotten help before I hit the very bottom of my dark hole. With proper counseling I could have avoided attempts at suicide and learned to cope without self-injuring. I realized that I didn’t have to struggle for so long alone.

Asking for help is a big step in the recovery process. If you don’t feel comfortable turning to a group of people, then pick one person to say, “I’m having a hard time right now.” Choose someone you trust like a family member or friend. Turn to a therapist, doctor, counselor, or another professional. If you struggle with talking about your feelings, then write them down and give them to a friend, a family member, or professional to read.

When I finally asked for help, my mom went to a nearby city to help find me a therapist. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I started going to therapy and reached recovery for several years. When I fell down the dark hole again, I asked for help right away. I knew that I couldn’t reach recovery again without support. I learned that I couldn’t handle mental illness alone.

Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not a failure for being sick. It takes strength to ask for help and it’s an important part of the journey to recovery. You can’t fight this illness on your own. Like any other illness, you need help to get through it. Don’t be afraid to reach out and say, “I need help.” You can’t carry the pain of mental illness by yourself.

It took courage for me to admit I needed help, and because I chose to ask for it, I have been standing in recovery for several years.

RECOVERY HAS DETOURS

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With many illnesses recovery occurs in a straight line. You go from illness to wellness. Your illness is gone and you feel better. Mental illness doesn’t go in a straight line. Recovery doesn’t mean you will no longer struggle again. Instead, in recovery from mental illness, you have detours, bad days, and good days. You use coping skills and you learn new ones, you make progress, and you fall.

If you have been fallowing my blog posts, you will see that I have written about struggling with illnesses, death, becoming a caregiver, surgeries, money problems, and so much more. All these things are detours in my recovery. Each one affected me emotionally and left me struggling with my depression and anxiety. Each time I felt like I was falling backwards, but I used coping skills to pull myself up. I also learned new coping skills to help me handle these. There are also days when I feel depressed and I’m not sure why. I just want to cry and lie in bed, but I must force myself to get up and keep pushing forward.

I have had to set boundaries in my life. Boundaries with friends, family, and my job. It’s important to put my recovery first. I have walked away from friends because I couldn’t handle their dramatic lifestyles or negativity. I’ve had to take breaks from friends because what they were going through became too much for me to handle. When my one friend’s brother was very sick, I did my best to be supportive but had to take a couple days break to take care of myself. I work part-time because full-time is too much for me to handle. When I’m called into work early, I have to decide whether I can handle the extra hours or not.

I use coping techniques to not only manage my illness on bad days, but to also make it through each day. My depression and anxiety don’t just disappear because I’m in recovery. Coping techniques help me manage my sickness so I can be happy. I can live a happy life if I cope with the challenges and struggles of living in society. I cope with stressors and detours of everyday life, so I don’t fall down into the hole of darkness. I have coping techniques for my anxiety, so I don’t have an attack that leaves me physically sick. I’m also learning new coping techniques.

I take my medication each day. I have to take medication in the morning, afternoon, and at night. I put my meds in pill containers with the days of the week. I have one for mornings and for bedtime. I carry a pill box with me everywhere I go so I have my afternoon medicine when I need it. If I miss an anxiety pill, I have the dry heaves and I get sick. Once in a while I do forget, but I try to keep on track.

I keep my appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist. For a while I was doing well without a therapist and I just leaned on my support team, but when my loved one was diagnosed with dementia, I knew I needed to take care of him and get help for myself. So, I started back to therapy. Part of being in recovery is knowing when to ask for help. I knew caregiving would be hard to handle mentally, so I found a therapist. I also keep my appointments every two months with my psychiatrist. This is important so that he knows how I’m doing on my medication and if I need any modifications or changes.

I have a support team I can lean on when I don’t see my therapist. My support team listens to me, gives me advice, and encourages me. I call my friend Cheryl my first therapist. I text her almost every day about things I’m struggling with, my worries, and my bad thoughts. A lot of her advice is the same as my therapist gives me. I also lean on my friend Nicky. She’s good at telling me about new coping techniques to try. She also has good advice.

Despite all the work you do to stay in recovery, old feelings come back, you fall, new stressors set you back, and old unhealthy coping techniques can return, but that doesn’t erase the years of progress you made. These are more of those detours in your recovery, and there are ways around them. You can pull yourself back up. You didn’t fail. It’s just part of the recovery process.

I hurt my back and have been going to a chiropractor for four weeks, and I’m not getting better. I feel sad, frustrated, scared, and hopeless. I fear I may have hurt the spot where I had surgery several years ago. Hurting, not being able to bend over, and trying to work while in pain is stirring up my depression. On top of that I struggle taking care of my loved one with dementia, and my dad’s bone cancer has come back. A lot of old feelings have resurfaced. I want to lie in bed and block out the world, but instead I use coping techniques, my support team, and therapy to keep pushing forward.

I look at this setback not as a failure, but as a lesson I can learn. I look at my feelings, my depression, and struggles and think, “What do I need to do? How can I help myself? What have I learned about myself and the detour?”

Recovery is work. There are many detours. It’s how you manage your illness, how you cope, and how you take care of yourself that gets you around them. Don’t let setbacks discourage you or make you think you failed. Push through them and ask for help when you need to. Recovery can be a bumpy road. It’s not a straight line. You move forward and make progress. Then you hit a detour and fall. Next you pull yourself up and push forward. And then you fall again to only pick yourself back up. Despite the ups and downs you’re stronger now and you can handle it.

Each day I work hard to stay in recovery. I have many detours in my life, but I always manage to pull myself up. Because I’m willing to work my way around the detours, I bathe in the light of recovery.

NICOLE’S STORY

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Listening to others’ stories about how they struggled with mental illness and worked their way to recovery encourages and educates people. Nicole Galloway Miller is a friend I met years ago when I was self-injuring and struggling with my mental illness. Nicole was struggling too. We became a strong support system for one another. We saw each other through some rough times. In the years I’ve known her I have seen her at her worst and now at her best. She has an inspiring story to tell.

I decided to interview Nicole because her story is very encouraging. Below is my interview with her.

Aimee: What mental illnesses do you struggle with and when were you first diagnosed?

Nicole: Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and PTSD. I was first diagnosed in first grade.

Aimee: How did mental illness affect your life at such a young age?

Nicole: Mostly, I just remember always having intense anxiety and trouble sleeping. It is hard for me, because I assumed everyone was like me and was much better at coping than me. I did not understand then like I do now that my brain works differently. I just always thought I was terrible at coping with stuff and lazy.

Aimee: How has having autism affected your mental health?

Nicole: At its core, autism is a central nervous system disorder. That means my body has much more intense emotional and physical reactions to stress and environmental stimuli like noise, lights, and scratchy fabrics. As I learned that my reactions were normal for me and not everyone experienced the world that way, it improved my depression and anxiety some, but there are other challenges.

My brain processes information differently, too. I went to therapy as a teenager; therapy did not really work until I found a therapist who worked with autistic people. That is the first time I ever made progress in therapy. I was 26.

The key to therapy was actually to not try so hard and constantly push myself, but to take breaks and give my brain and nervous system more rest and recharge time.

Aimee: Tell me about when you hit rock bottom of your illness and how you pulled yourself up?

Nicole: One of my hardest struggles has been employment. I have been trying to maintain a job for longer than one year since I was twenty. I am now forty-three. The last opportunity I tried was an organization that employed autistic people in corporate roles. Unfortunately, my manager there did not know anything about autism. This opportunity ended in a hospitalization where I was having extreme attacks of paranoia so intense I believed my boss was spying on me through my phone and car. I had to resign and I felt like a failure.

However, after getting treatment, resting, and regrouping I have decided to start my own business. This is going well so far. I am working hard and custom orders and opportunities keep coming to me. The biggest lesson autism has taught me is not to give up, but to keep trying.

Aimee: What unhealthy coping techniques did you develop while struggling?

Nicole: I was a cutter. Now I am a smoker.

Aimee: What healthy coping techniques did you learn to cope with your illness?

Nicole: There are so many. Some of my favorites are yoga, deep breathing, meditation, and progressive muscle relaxation. The last two really help me with sleeping. The coping skill I use the most is knitting and crochet. It helps me regulate my emotions, relax, and can be socially acceptable in public places. I even knit standing in lines. I am always trying new coping techniques, too.

Aimee: How did you pull yourself up to where you are happy and functioning in society?

Nicole: In some ways I think I am lucky. I have struggled with this illness for as long as I can remember. There has not been a time when I have not. For me, it has always been about making tomorrow happier and healthier than today has been. I am happy to report that my forties truly have been the happiest years of my life. Every decade of my life, I have struggled a little less and made progress.

Aimee: What advice would you give others struggling with mental illness and working towards recovery?

Nicole: We have a saying in the autistic community that if you meet one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism. Everyone’s journey is unique. Some of us take longer to do things. Your recovery journey is personal to you and will be done on your own time. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s, and above all celebrate the victories. Sometimes, when you are depressed, brushing your teeth is tantamount to climbing a mountain. Celebrate that and give yourself credit.

Below are my thoughts after my interview with Nicole:

We all have stories to tell about our struggles with mental illness. If we talk about our journey, we can help others and educate the world. The more we speak out, the bigger chances we have of spreading light on mental illness and showing the world it is an illness like any other illness. Your story can inspire others to fight for recovery.

By Nicole telling her story, she was able to reflect on her journey and see how far she has come. This helps her stand tall in the light of recovery.

DON’T GIVE UP

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Depression sucks life out of you. It’s a heavy burden to carry. It takes away your self-esteem, energy, ability to make decisions, joy and so much more. It’s easier to give up than to fight depression. It’s easier to lie in bed all day than to force yourself to get up and do something. It’s easier to let negative thoughts beat you down than to challenge them. It’s easier to choose death than to choose to face your illness, but giving up isn’t worth it.

There is a light above the dark hole you are dwelling in. There is hope when there seems like there is none. You can become a functioning member of society. You can find happiness and brighter days. You can decide to live and fight this awful sickness. Doing what is hard takes a lot of determination, strength, and energy, but the outcome is worth it. Don’t give up. Fight. I fought and I now live above the hole of depression.

I once thought that there was no way out of my dark hole. Climbing the walls towards the light seemed impossible. My negative thoughts were endless, I couldn’t sleep at night, I had little energy, I hated myself, and my life seemed hopeless. I even planned my death. One night I took a bunch of pills and felt dizzy and sick. Some how I drove myself to college and back in a snowstorm. My only explanation is that God got me there and back. I was ready to give up, but God wasn’t ready to give up on me.

I had turned my back on God. I blamed him for my illness. Why was he allowing me to suffer? Did God make a mistake when he made me? Was God real or a fairy tale? Was he punishing me? I stopped going to church. I lay in bed and allowed the darkness to overtake me. But God did not give up on me. He pushed me forward. He gave me determination to fight even when I thought I couldn’t. He gave me a wonderful mom who searched for help for me. He gave me a good therapist. He gave me people to support me and encourage me.

I’ll be honest with you. Fighting depression and reaching recovery is a brutal battle and it takes time, persistence, determination, and all your energy. It took all of mine to fight it, but God was whispering in my ear, “Don’t give up.” I wanted a better life, I wanted to find happiness, and I wanted out of my hole. I climbed the hole and fell again. Then I got up and started again. I kept pushing myself forward no matter how hard it got. I just wanted to live again instead of just existing.

I have lived through a lot of heartaches and struggles in my life, and I couldn’t have made it through them if I had given up. By fighting I learned that life is full of hard times, heartaches, and challenges, but if you keep fighting you can get through them. Things do get better. There is always sunshine waiting for you beyond the rough times.

Taking your life is permanent, but depression is not permanent. There is no cure for mental illness and you will have bouts of depression, but you’ll be strong enough to pull yourself out of it in recovery. Happiness and a productive life are waiting for you. Don’t take the easy way out. Fight for yourself, fight for happiness, fight for a bright future, and fight for the light. You can do it! I believe in you.

Because I didn’t give up, I live a happy life in recovery wrapped in the arms of God.

WHEN LIFE KEEPS SLAPPING YOU

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Sometimes it seems like life is out to get you. It keeps slapping you with one problem, heartache, or struggle after another. It’s very easy to slip into depression, especially if you’re in recovery or working towards recovery from mental illness. It can seem overwhelming and hopeless. You wonder when will things get better.

Lately it seems like life keeps handing me with one problem and heartache after another. First Esther, our dog, had a lump removed from her leg, and I had to nurse her to recovery. Next the lump’s biopsy came back as cancer, and she got a bad infection that ate through her flesh to the bone. Then finally we had to send her over the rainbow bridge. It’s a heartache my husband and I are still dealing with. But it doesn’t end there.

We took a much-needed vacation to Johnstown where my husband grew up. Before we left the “check engine” sign came on in our SUV. We had it checked and it was the catalytic converter. My dad told me to get stuff to put in the gas to clean it out. It worked. We thought we were in the clear. We drove to many places on our trip and had a wonderful time. Then on the last day we found out my dad’s bone cancer came back and when we got home the check engine light came back on.

My dad does a lot for us. He fixed our furnace, put windows in our home, repaired my cars, put faucets in our sinks, with a friend he replaced the roof on our garage, and much more. He has always come to our rescue, especially now that my husband is sick. He is always supportive and encouraging. I can’t imagine life without him.

The cancer centers in Erie and Cleveland are moving fast to treat my dad. They are worried that the cancer spread, so he got a pet scan. July 7 they are drilling a hole in his spine to do a biopsy. July 8 he’s going to Cleveland Clinic for ten days to get a series of new shots that will make his immune system fight the cancer. We don’t know what side effects he’ll have from the shots.

Fourteen months ago, my dad had a procedure done that was supposed to put him into remission for five years. The procedure involved a very high dose of chemo which has caused him lasting side effects. I can’t imagine him going through even more.

On top of that my dad won’t be able to fix our car, and the repairs and even the cost of the catalytic converter are very expensive. They are beyond what we can afford. We are living paycheck to paycheck. We can’t finance a newer car either, but we can’t keep putting money into the one we have. So, we are searching the internet and car dealerships for an older car with low mileage. My dad told me what mileage to look for.

My husband and I continue to grieve the loss of Esther and adjust to life without her while worrying about my dad. On top of that I am stressed about finding a car we can afford. I already have taken on a lot of responsibilities while my husband is sick, and now I have more. How do I cope with all this? It’s a lot to deal with. The thing that keeps crossing my mind is I can’t lose my dad. I already lost my baby girl, Esther; I can’t lose anyone else.

My therapist tells me to allow myself to cry and to take care of myself; self-care is very important. She says to do things for me. Since my husband got sick, my life has mostly been revolved around taking care of him. Now my dad is sick, I’m focused on how I can help my parents out.

I have been sneaking off to our bedroom to watch TV alone while my husband watches TV downstairs just so I can relax and be free for a little while. After Esther passed, I had lunch with a friend. It was nice to talk and laugh with a friend instead of crying over our loss. Going on a trip was a way to have fun and get us out of the house that seems empty now. I’m writing this blog post and it helps me express myself. My husband and I are going to game night on Tuesday at a friend’s house. This will help keep my mind off everything going on.

I’m doing different things to take care of myself. I’m making sure I take my medication and keep my therapy and psychiatrist appointments. I’m journaling and leaning on my support system. I allow myself to cry. I try to find the positive in my life. I rest when I need to. I practice relaxation techniques like deep breathing and grounding techniques.

I’m taking each day one at a time and leaning on God to get me through this rough time in my life. I feel like life will not stop slapping me with problems, but I remind myself that things will get better.

By practicing self-care I am holding on tight to the light of recovery.

TIPS FOR RECOVERING FROM AN ANXIETY ATTACK

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Anxiety attacks are different for everyone. Many experience symptoms like chest pain, dizziness, panic attacks, throwing up, and so on. One thing strugglers have in common is that the attack takes a lot out of them. It’s hard to go through both physically and emotionally, and it’s hard to recover from an anxiety attack.

The other night I had an anxiety attack. I threw up and then my whole body started shaking uncontrollably. My husband held me and rubbed my back until the shaking eased. That night and the day after I felt weak, fatigued, and drained emotionally. I couldn’t think clearly. Handling the attack afterwards is what helped me get back on my feet. So, I put together a list of tips for recovering from an anxiety attack.

Here is my list:

  • Rest. If possible, take a day where you do nothing but rest. Don’t do daily chores, run errands, or do anything strenuous. If you’re married, let the husband take care of the kids. If you work, rest after work. If you have too much to take care of, then find time in your day to take a breather. I spent a day lying on the couch watching TV. It was my day off from work.
  • Take a hot bath or shower. Taking a hot bath or shower helps the body relax and eases any tense muscles. If you have a bathtub, try an Epsom salt bath. Take your time soaking in the steam and heat. My friend suggested I take a bath after my attack, and it felt good.
  • Practice relaxing techniques. Listen to music you love. Do self-guided relaxation. Pet your fur baby or someone else’s. Practice deep breathing techniques. Spend some time off social media. I did deep breathing and I petted my fur baby.
  • Talk to someone. If you have a support system, talk to someone from the system, or talk to a friend or family member. Talking about your feelings will help you heal emotionally. I talked to my husband and my friends. My friend Nicky even checked up on me the next day.
  • Watch a funny movie. Watching a funny movie won’t cure you, but it will distract you. Watching something lighthearted will help with regulating your emotions. Something sad or intense can increase the emotions that sent you into an anxiety attack.
  • Journal. Put your feelings down on paper. Getting those feelings out keeps them from building up and causing another attack. I wrote in my journal, which is very comforting to me.
  • Process later. Wait to process why you went through an anxiety attack and how you can prevent it right after you have it. Give yourself time to practice self-care and heal your body and emotions. I waited until a couple days afterwards when I no longer felt fatigued and emotionally drained. I felt better and that made it easier to think about why I had an attack.

Anxiety attacks are hard to go through. Give your body and mind a break afterwards. Try these tips to help you recover from an attack. If these don’t help, find ones that will help you. Talk to your therapist about ways you can recover.

Using these tips to recover from anxiety attacks helps me bathe in the light of recovery.

MY BEST FRIEND

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

In 1999 Cheryl Miller was transferred from the west twenty-sixth street grocery store in Erie, PA to the Harborcreek store where I worked. It didn’t take long for Cheryl and I to become friends. We were able to talk easily with one another. We had a lot in common. Cheryl soon became more than a friend. She became a sister and a support person.

When I fell into depression and moved in with an abusive boyfriend, Cheryl stood at my side. When I felt depressed, suicidal, or like self-injuring, I called Cheryl. She would talk to me at all hours of the day or night. She would stay on the phone with me until two a.m. and talk to me until I was calm or started laughing. She knew what to say and do to help me. When my ex-boyfriend couldn’t handle me, he would call her. She would tell him what to do or talk to me until I felt better.

One time I drove her and her baby son home. I was feeling very depressed and was suicidal. I stopped in front of her apartment building and got out of the car. I stood in the middle of the road as a car was coming. Cheryl pulled me out of the road. She talked to me until I laughed, and my will to live came back. I often think about what would have happened if Cheryl hadn’t saved me. I would have missed out on a lot in my life.

I was so caught up in my illness that I didn’t notice the problems Cheryl struggled with in her own life, and she never tried to tell me about them. She focused on being there for me. I knew her boyfriend wasn’t good for her, but I didn’t realize how bad he was until years later. I was consumed with my illness and couldn’t be as good of a friend to her as she was to me, but she didn’t care.

When I was sad at work, she’d leave encouraging notes at my register, or she’d leave me a smiley face she drew. She just knew the right things to do and say to help me get through my rough days. She had the gift to lift my spirits from the bottom of my pit.

She moved away with her boyfriend, and we kept in touch for a while. She moved back to Erie when I started dating my husband. Things were getting harder for her with her boyfriend at the same time I was getting better. Then she moved again and we lost contact for many years. While we were separated, I got better and married my husband. When my niece set me up a Facebook account, I started searching Facebook for Cheryl and I found her. She was no longer with her boyfriend. She was with a man who treated her well.

Ever since Cheryl and I reconnected we have been inseparable. For a while we lived in separate states and texted each other constantly. Now we live in the same state and we still text constantly, we video chat with her sister and watch TV shows (we call it date night), and I have gone to her house for visits.

 Now I can support her during hard times and be the friend I couldn’t be years ago. She still knows what to say and do when I’m struggling with my illness. When I’m down, I turn to my husband and Cheryl. Cheryl and I can talk about anything. We have no filter. She understands me better than any of my other friends. I understand her too.

Cheryl often gives me the same advice as my husband does and I tease her and say she is sneaking and talking about me with him. Cheryl reads my blog posts and uses what she learns to help me. I tell her she’s not allowed to use my blog posts against me. She responds with, “Too bad.” I talk over my problems with her and my therapist. I call her “therapist number one” and my actual therapist, “therapist number two.” She calls me “little sis,” and I call her “big sis.”

I can’t imagine life without Cheryl. She has been an important part of my struggle with mental illness. She kept me alive when I wanted to die, she lifted me up when I had hit the bottom of my hole, and she helps me stay in the light of recovery. Without her I would be lost. I can’t put into words how grateful I am for her dedicated friendship. I am so happy that she didn’t walk away from me when I couldn’t be supportive to her. I’m so happy that I now can support her through rough times.

Finding a friend to support you like Cheryl has me is hard, but if you do find one, hold on to her or him tightly. Not all friends will talk to you until two a.m., but be grateful for any friend that is willing to support you through your struggles with mental illness.

Having Cheryl to turn to when times get hard helps me stand tall in the light of recovery.

SIGNS OF SELF-INJURY

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Self-injury is an unhealthy coping technique where a person causes bodily harm to oneself. It’s often done to feel something when a sufferer feels numb or to deal with painful internal emotions. It’s a serious problem. Knowing the signs of self-injury can help you aid a struggler in finding help to learn healthy coping techniques.

I started self-injuring at a young age by pulling my hair to relieve my inner anguish. When I started college, I tried different ways to relieve my pain such as burning myself, punching a wall, and cutting. I settled with cutting. It was the only way I knew how to cope with the overpowering emotions of depression. I hid my injuring from my family and friends.

There are signs you need to know that will help you identify self-injury taking place with a friend or loved one. The signs are:

  • Wearing long sleeve shirts or pants even when it’s warm out. I wore long sleeve shirts even though it was summertime. I didn’t want anyone to see my wounds.
  • Fresh scratches, cuts, bruises, bite marks, or other wounds. I had cuts on my shoulder area and lower arm.
  • Excessive rubbing of an area to create a burn.
  • Keeping sharp objects or other objects used for self-harm on hand. I kept sharp objects in my bedroom where I injured.
  • Scars often in a pattern. I never cut deep enough to cause a lot of scars. I didn’t want people to question why I had scars. However, many who injure do have scars.
  • Spending long periods of time alone. I spent a lot of time alone in my bedroom. That’s where I hurt myself.
  • Frequent reports of accidental injury.
  • Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and worthlessness. I was depressed when I harmed myself and I thought I was worthless and my life was hopeless. I felt like I had no control over the darkness that was holding me down.
  • Difficulties in relationships with others. I lost a lot of friends throughout my school years. When I got older, I became a victim of abusive relationships.
  • Behaviors and emotions that change quickly and are impulsive, intense, and unexpected. I went from being calm to emotional in minutes. I couldn’t regulate my emotions and had episodes of anger.

You can find these symptoms and more information on self-injury on the Mayo Clinic website at Self-injury/cutting – Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic. If you think someone you love is harming him or herself, talk to him or her and urge the person to get help. Tell an adult like a teacher or parent. There is help for self-injury and the struggler can learn healthy coping techniques to deal with his or her pain. I got help and now when my emotions become powerful, I turn to healthy coping techniques like journaling, confiding in my support team, and relaxation techniques.

With new coping techniques. I stand in the light of recovery as a stronger and healthier person.

AN APOLOGY LETTER

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Part of life is getting hurt by people. Sometimes they hurt us by accident, some don’t even realize they hurt us, and some hurt us because they are not nice. Getting an apology helps ease the pain, but not everyone apologizes. How do we mend our broken hearts if a person who hurt us never apologizes?

Since my book has been published, people have asked me, “Has any of your bullies read your book and apologized?”

Unfortunately, none of them has apologized and I don’t expect them to. I’m not even sure they would admit it was them in my book if they read it. My friend, Roberta, suggested I try writing an apology letter from one of my bullies to me. I thought about it and decided that would be a great idea. Below is an apology letter I have written from one of the bullies in my book, Donna. If you haven’t read my book, Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying, reading my book would give you a better idea about what Donna did to me.

Dear Aimee,

  I’m so sorry I called you a retard and other names in school. I didn’t understand what a learning disability was. I was a fool to think you were stupid. Look at you. You went to college. You wrote a book. You were never stupid or retarded. My words were cruel and wrong. I wish I could take them back. Now I’ve read your book I can see how much they hurt you. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain.

  In school I thought you weren’t smart enough to ever work a job and I told you that you would be on welfare. Boy was I wrong. My life turned out to be a mess, but you went on to college, you got a degree, and you have worked the same job for twenty-seven years. I’m sorry I said that about you. I was so wrong. I’m the one who failed to succeed, but you are a success.

  I’m sorry I took your friends away and turned them against you. I’m sorry I stopped other kids from making a friendship with you. I didn’t feel good about myself and I turned that on you. I made your life miserable. It wasn’t nice of me to tell others lies about you so they wouldn’t be your friend. In a way I was jealous of you. My family and home life weren’t as good as yours, so in turn I made your school days miserable. I’m sorry for that.

  Maybe if I took the time to really get to know you, we could have been good friends. Maybe you could have been someone I could have confided in instead of someone I tore apart. I’m glad to see you were able to rise above the abuse I put you through and are now able to help others.

  You are a smart wonderful person and I’m sorry I never took the chance to get to know you for who you are. I can never take back all the pain I put you through or heal the wounds I caused, but at least I can do is tell you how wrong I was and how sorry I am.

   I am truly sorry for being so awful to you in school. I hope you will forgive me.

Sincerely,

Donna

I’d be surprised if I ever got an apology from Donna, but writing this letter helped ease the pain in my soul. It helped me see Donna as a person who acted out of ignorance and as an imperfect person instead of a monster. I’ll never be able to tell her I forgive her, but I forgive her for my own benefit. I don’t want to talk to her or have her in my life, but she is no longer that evil monster that tore me apart in school. Now I see her as a broken person who used her own insecurities to hurt me.

Try writing a letter of apology from the person who hurt you deeply. It will help you in the healing process and help you to forgive that person. It will also help you let go of the grip that person has on you. Once you have written the letter whisper or yell it out loud, “I forgive you.” Then let the wounds in your heart heal.

Writing the letter to Donna helped me heal. Because I wrote the letter I bathe in the light of recovery.

CAREGIVING AND MENTAL HEALTH

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Mental illness is a rough disease, and even in recovery you must spend each day managing it. When you throw extra challenges in your life, like dealing with a loved one (LO) with dementia, staying in recovery becomes a bigger challenge. You no longer are just taking care of your illness; you are also taking care of someone else’s illness. This makes staying in the light even harder.

My loved one is in the early stages of dementia. He’s independent to a point. He is still able to stay home while I work, and he can help me with some stuff around the house, but he still needs my help with a lot of things. I take care of his medication, make his lunches before work, and leave reminders on Alexa for him to eat it. I also remind him to take care of his hygiene, I manage his diet for diabetes, I keep track of his appointments, and I also remind him about small stuff too. I also have to handle changes in his mood like arguing and anger outbursts.

He’s young, only in his sixties, and I’m only fifty-one. It’s so unfair that he has this illness at such a young age. We should have many more years to make memories, but we don’t. We must make every moment count now. I’m sad, angry, and frustrated. Some days I want to lie in bed and cry. I wish I had a magical wand to take this illness from him. He gets so frustrated when he can’t remember things and it breaks my heart.

So much has been taken away from him because of dementia that it feels like he’s losing everything. He can no longer work, he can’t drive, and his memory is fading. At times I’m the bad guy because I must tell him repeatedly, he can’t drive, he can’t work, he forgot to shower, and much more. He gets mad at me, and I try not to take it personally, but it hurts.

Dealing with my LO’s illness is very emotional and threatens to throw me back down the hole of depression, but I can’t let it. When my LO was diagnosed with diabetes I got

depressed. I knew I was going to have to manage it and make sure he follows a healthy diet on top of managing his dementia. All day at work I felt like crying, I was very sad, and just wanted to hide. When I got out of work, I told my LO I was sick and went to our room. I lay in bed crying until I fell asleep. I teetered on the edge of that dark hole.

I realized I need to take care of my mental illness while taking care of my LO. I used a program through work to help me find a therapist. I’m not in a depression, but I needed someone to confide in and to talk about my feelings to to stay in recovery. I found a therapist who understands what I’m going through and she is very good. I told my psychiatrist about my LO so he can keep track of how I’m doing. I confided in my support team. I also joined mental health and dementia support groups online.

All caregivers must take care of themselves as well as their loved ones, but it’s extra work to take care of your mental illness on top of caregiving and to stay in recovery. I find it hard to manage my medication on top of my LO’s, but I know it’s important. It’s also important to use coping techniques like journaling, relaxation techniques, finding positives, and grounding techniques. It’s okay to need a break from your LO too. Self-care is also important. Take time for yourself like having someone stay with your LO while you go out for a while, take a relaxing bath, eat healthy, exercise, take care of your hygiene, and find time for your hobbies.

Caring for yourself and your mental health is as important as taking care of your LO. I make my illness as much of a priority as my LO is. This helps me stay in the light of recovery.