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A SURPRISE BRINGS JOY
My husband has been having a hard time for a couple of years now. It started with his job doing remodeling over two years, leaving him laid off or working less hours. We have been struggling financially, and he felt like he wasn’t contributing enough. Then the same job of thirty-four years let him go. He got a new job, and they let him go after only nine days. Now he has an illness that has taken away his freedom of driving and ability to work. It felt like he couldn’t win, and I just wanted to make things better for him.
After applying to countless jobs and doing interviews with no prospect of a new job, my husband felt defeated. Then on top of that in January his unemployment benefit was about to expire. We decided his best bet was to file for early retirement, and then he would work part-time. I helped him file for Social Security Retirement online, and we continued to look for part-time jobs for him. The diagnosis of his illness tore apart his plans, leaving him devastated and angry. I just wanted to cheer him up.
I messaged a friend that I wanted to throw him a retirement party, but we were struggling financially. We couldn’t afford for him to retire early, but we had no choice. My friend suggested we go to Pizza Hut and have everyone chip in for the cost of the pizzas. I told her that was a great idea, and I would plan the party once his retirement was official.
In February my husband got his first retirement check, and I started planning his party. I decided the party would be a surprise. I told him we couldn’t afford a party for him, so I treated him to his favorite restaurant for dinner the day he got his first check. He seemed understanding. I told him maybe we could have a picnic with friends in the summer to celebrate and asked him who he wanted me to invite. I planned his party for March 19 at Pizza Hut, and he had no idea. I went to work inviting our friends and his friends, telling each one of them it was a surprise. I listed the people who I invited in my journal, knowing he would never see it.
Once the party date was decided and friends were invited, I had to come up with a way to get him to the party. I needed to be at the restaurant early to make sure tables were set up and to greet the guests. I needed an excuse. So I told him I was going to a friend’s house for dinner. I asked our friend Kelly to invite Lou to dinner the night of the party. The plans were set, but my sneaking around wasn’t over.
I needed to order him a cake. Since I work in a grocery store, that would be easy. I just told him I had to leave for work early to pick up prescriptions. I ordered the cake and picked up prescriptions. I started thinking about the perfect gift to get him and how I would hide the gift from him. I browsed Amazon and found him the perfect shirt. On the shirt it says, “Retired. Under new management. See wife for details.” Since Lou is at home and would get packages that arrive, how would I keep him from wondering what the package is and keep him from opening it? I came up with the perfect idea. We just got our tax money and gave each other a little to buy things we needed. So, I told him a package was coming with a new shirt for me.
When the package arrived, I quietly snuck it upstairs to my office/spare room/storage room. I took a sigh of relief when he didn’t ask me about my new shirt and didn’t ask me to put it on for him like I usually do when I get new clothes.
A few days before the party Kelly invited my husband to dinner with her husband and her. He was happy he wouldn’t be sitting home alone. I talked about my dinner at my friend’s house and told him I was happy knowing he wouldn’t be home by himself.
The day of the party I left the house at 5:15 PM to pick up the cake and go to Pizza Hut. He told me to let him know when I made it to my friend’s house.
At 6:00 PM all the guests arrived, and we waited patiently for Kelly to arrive with my husband. Kelly texted me when she picked him up and we were ready. When he walked into Pizza Hut, we all said, “Surprise!” The look on his face was priceless. A smile I hadn’t seen in a while shined brightly. The next day he was still feeling the high from his surprise party. I couldn’t be happier that I brought him joy during a very rough time in his life. His cake had black and yellow confetti on it and Steelers rings in the corner. In the middle in black it said, “Happy Retirement.” Anyone who knows my husband knows he’s a huge Steelers fan.
That night and days to follow my husband thanked me for his party. I relished his joy. Bringing light to a dark time in his life made me feel good. We endured the hard times together and together we celebrated a new chapter in his life.
Throwing this party for my husband during a hard time in his life and my life helps me stand happily in the light of recovery.
CO-HOST FOR A POSCAST
As part of my work for One Life Project I am a co-host on their podcast The Lifeline. Below is the link for the first episode. We will be talking about mental health and interviewing guests. A new episode will post each week. Please check it out and tell about and share this podcast with your family and friends.
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
When you’re struggling with mental illness, it’s easy to get into unhealthy relationships. Even if you don’t have a mental illness, you can find yourself in toxic relationships. When I was struggling with mental illness, I became prey to abusive and destructive relationships with boyfriends and friends. I was too sick to see the signs that I was in a toxic relationship, and they ended badly with me getting hurt.
As I worked on my recovery and went to therapy, I began to learn the signs of a toxic relationship. Once I learned the signs, I ended a lot of friendships that were not good for me. I found myself reevaluating what I needed and wanted in friends and boyfriends. Below is a list of the signs of a toxic relationship:
- The relationship is one sided. When you are in a relationship, each person must contribute and support the other. When one person is doing all the work, it is an unhealthy relationship. I had to take a step away from a friend because our friendship suddenly centered all on her. I didn’t get a chance to talk about myself or my needs. I found the friendship too much for me to handle. I needed support too, so I walked away.
- The person is controlling. When you’re in a relationship, you should be able to make your own decisions and do things on your own. When the other person starts telling you what to do and what you can’t do, that is unhealthy. The controlling person might take over all finances, tell you when you can see your friends and family, make decisions for you, and much more. I was in a relationship with an ex-boyfriend who was controlling. He told me what pan I could use to cook in, he spent my money on his needs, he demanded his family was more important than mine, and he made decisions for me. He kicked me out, and that’s when I was put in a mental health hospital and started on my road to recovery.
- The person uses your weaknesses to put you down. A person who knows your weakness and uses them to play with your mind and put you down is toxic. This person will use your fears to manipulate you. For example, if you’re afraid you’re not a good driver, that person will harp on mistakes you make while driving, insult how you drive, and tell you what a bad driver you are. My ex-boyfriend used my self-doubt about being successful against me. He put me down for working as a cashier, told me I failed because I was unable to go on to a four-year college, and insulted me for not getting the degree I wanted. The funny thing was he never went to college and had no degree! After we broke up, I realized I was successful.
- The person is abusive. No one deserves to be abused in any way. If you are being abused physically, sexually, or verbally, you need to find help. Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Words don’t cause physical wounds, but they do cause internal wounds. All abuse is wrong, and you need to get out of that relationship. A friend I trusted abused me sexually, and an ex-boyfriend verbally and sexually abused me. It took me years to recover from these abuses. Luckily, they both eventually broke up with me.
- The person is always jealous. If you’re in a relationship where a partner is jealous every time you go out with friends or talk to another person, then you’re in a toxic relationship. If your friend is jealous of all your accomplishments or because you hang out with other friends without her or him, that is very unhealthy. I had a friend who was jealous because a lot of people I worked with liked me, and her jealousy became a big problem because she started copying me. When I started on my road to recovery, I ended the friendship.
- The person doesn’t support you. When you’re in a relationship with a partner or a friend, you should support each other. You should support each other during good times and bad times. If you are not getting any support, that is a sign that you’re in a bad relationship. I had friendships in the past where I was supporting my friends, but when I needed support, I felt alone. Now that I am in recovery, I have friends who celebrate my accomplishments with me, listen to me when I’m struggling, and give me advice when I need it. I do the same for them.
If you notice some of these signs in a friend or partner, then make the decision to walk away from that relationship. If you are in an unhealthy marriage, try couple therapy. We all deserve to be around and with positive people who give us what we need in our relationships. We live in a harsh world where building good relationships is a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Toxic relationships lead to depression, PTSD, anxiety, stress, and hurt feelings. You deserve healthy and nurturing relationships.
Now that I’m in recovery I have healthy relationships. I have some real good friends and a wonderful husband. I now know when to walk away from toxic relationships, and that helps me stand in the light of recovery.
MY HOLIDAY
When I was bullied as a child, I did a lot of daydreaming to escape. I daydreamed of good things and bad things. I imagined getting hurt or dying so I would get attention or wouldn’t have to go to school. I also imagined winning awards, becoming a famous author, and my bullies cheering for me. I wanted people to see that I was capable of great things and realize they were wrong about me. I never thought that my childhood dreams would come true, until now.
If you have been following my blog, you read that in April I will be awarded a Lifetime Service Award from the president of the United States for my work for One Life Project. Last month I learned I will also be receiving a proclamation from the mayor of Buffalo, New York, declaring February 21, “Aimee Eddy Day”. The proclamation is a long letter which talks about my work with One Life and my book, Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying. Alex, the founder of One Life Project, read it to me and sent me pictures of it. Alex also received a proclamation declaring February 22 “Alexander Kovarovic Day.”
“Next year we’ll have to meet in Buffalo on February 21 and celebrate our holidays at midnight,” Alex said.
I wiped tears of joy from my eyes. “That would be awesome. We definitely have to do that.”
I imagined as a child becoming an adult standing before a crowd of people giving a speech and receiving an award. Afterwards, Donna and other bullies shook my hand and apologized for how they treated me. Well, this dream is coming true. I will be giving a speech in New York City and receiving the president’s award, the proclamation, and other awards in front of lots of people. My bullies won’t be there to apologize, but I will be flying high.
My friend Amy said, “Wouldn’t it be great if on your holiday you went to Buffalo and they had a parade for you?”
I smiled. “I would wave out the window of a car at all my fans and tell them to buy my book.”
When I was a child, teachers said that I couldn’t read, and they pushed me from grade to grade. They thought because my learning disability would prevent me from accomplishing anything important in my life. One of my teachers predicted I would grow up to be on welfare. Some of those teachers shop at the grocery store I have worked at for going on thirty years. I make sure to tell them about my awards. They treat me totally differently now. One told me she always knew I was a hard worker. In school she accused me of cheating on a test when I earned an “A.”
Who would have ever thought I would have my own holiday? It’s not a major holiday requiring schools, post offices and banks to be closed, but it’s my day. On that day I went to work and told my customers about it. They were excited and some said they need to get my autograph. I told my co-workers too.
One co-worker said, “Since it’s Aimee Eddy Day, we should close the store down and all go celebrate.”
A customer spoke up. “Wait until after I pay for my groceries.”
I said, “Yes and we all get paid to have the day off.”
Unfortunately, the managers would not have agreed to closing the store and paying us to be off. After work my husband suggested we go out to eat to celebrate my holiday. So, we went to an Asian buffet. I love Asian food, but my husband doesn’t. Luckily the buffet had American food too.
I’m doing what God wants me to do. I’m helping youth who are struggling like I did as a young person. When I was a kid, we didn’t talk about mental illness. There were no programs in schools to educate children and not much out there to educate parents about mental illness. I’m helping change that with One Life Project. I am helping to put together workbooks that schools, young people, and parents can use. I’m helping with developing programs that I will take part in teaching about mental illness and coping techniques. I’m part of a podcast that talks about mental illness, and I help pass out information at events. I’m doing God’s work. I’m serving the youth of our country.
Dreams do come true. Just because you have a disability or mental illness, it doesn’t mean that you can’t succeed in life. If you work hard enough and believe in your dream, you can make anything happen. Maybe you can have a holiday of your own too. Life might take you down different paths, but don’t give up on your dreams.
I can’t wait until next month when I give my speech and receive my awards. I just need to find wall space to hang up my awards. I work hard to keep making my dreams come true, and that holds me up in the light of recovery.
TIPS FOR MANAGING STRESS
Life is stressful and some things that happen in our lives heighten our stress. Stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and lack of sleep. Knowing how to manage your stress will help you handle it in healthy ways.
I’m not very good at handling stress. I become overwhelmed and end up having anxiety attacks. Right now, my life is very stressful with my husband being sick, my dad having bone cancer, and my older sister being vision-impaired. I have been helping my sister find help for her vision problems by taking her to specialists. Now my husband is sick I need to do extra things to help him out. With his illness I’m trying to figure out what all I need to do to prepare for when his illness gets worse. I’m also trying to help him cope with his diagnosis and keep him active. It’s a lot. I feel more anxious.
I did some research and came up with some stress management tips.
- Know your triggers. Know what things in your life cause you extra stress and work on ways to manage them. List the things in your life that cause you stress like money, death, divorce, illnesses, homework, school, college, and so on. Finances are a big trigger for me and right now we’re struggling financially. I’m doing my best to deal with the anxiety this stressor causes. I’m looking for financial help and cutting things we can do without from our budget.
- Practice relaxation techniques. If you’re feeling stressed out, do deep breathing, listen to soft music, do guided imagery, meditation, and so on. Find which technique works best for you. I do deep breathing and guided imagery.
- Set boundaries. Learn to say no. You can only do so much, and when you have a lot to do, it’s okay to say no when someone asks you to do something extra. Know how much you can handle and stay firm on not going over that limit. I know I have a lot going on right now, so if someone were to ask for my help with something else, I know to nicely say no.
- Reduce your workload. If you have a lot of things to do and it’s stressing you out, see how you can reduce that. If you’re running a club, doing choir on the weekend, and volunteering three times a week, and you feel overwhelmed, then see what you can cut or do less of. I work part-time because working full-time causes me extra stress, which causes anxiety and depression.
- Lean on your support team. If you are really struggling and feeling stressed out, turn to your support team. Talk to them about what is going on in your life. They may have some good advice and encouraging words for you. Right now, with everything going on in my life, I am leaning on my support team a lot. They remind me to slow down and take one day at a time.
- Take breaks. If you have a lot of things to do at once, find time to take breaks. My days off are when we plan errands and appointments. Doing a lot of running around gets stressful. My husband and I plan breaks in between our errands. We go for a ride around the peninsula in our city or go down to the dock.
- Take care of yourself. When life gets stressful, you must remember to take care of your needs. Make sure you eat regularly, make time to sleep, do a craft you like, and make sure you are taking care of your health. While helping my husband cope with his illness, I’m making sure I’m managing my mental health. I take my medication, I use coping techniques, and I lean on my support team.
- Look for professional help. If things become too much for you to handle, there is no shame in seeking professional help. A good therapist can help you find coping techniques and work through the things that cause you stress. Right no I’m handling the stress in my life well, but I know when things get worse to look for a therapist. I see a psychiatrist and I keep him informed on how I’m doing so he can properly manage my medication.
If you are dealing with a lot of stress in your life, try these tips. Managing stress effectively can help you avoid becoming anxious and depressed. It can also ease tension and help you maintain a healthy mental and physical wellbeing.
I’m working on managing my stress, and doing so helps me stay in the light of recovery.
THROWN FOR A LOOP
Sometimes life throws us the unexpected, and we find ourselves overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. We try to wrap our minds around the situation: a sudden death, an unexpected illness, or something bad happening to a loved one. The unexpected throws us for a loop, and we are left asking how to cope? How do we process these emotions? What do we do next?
My husband has been my rock. He went to therapy with me while we were dating to learn how to manage my mental illness, and he handles it well. He’s taken care of me during many surgeries. He has emptied drains, changed bandages, emptied a potty chair, lifted me up to a walker, and pushed me in a wheelchair without any complaints. He even cried with me when I found out I had breast cancer. He’s sat in the waiting room for hours during my surgeries and tests. He comforted me when I grieved the loss of my breasts and cried because I got an infection in a surgery site. He has held me during emotional break downs when I have had bad days with my mental illness and continuously reminds me to be positive.
This Wednesday we found out Lou has a serious illness (he asked me not to tell what the illness is) that will get worse in time. We sat in the doctor’s office while he gave us results of a test Lou went through. Lou sat quietly with a sad look on his face and my heart broke. There is no cure. The doctor talked and I struggled to fight my tears. I tried to think of questions to ask. I managed to ask a few, but I felt like I needed to ask more, but my mind went blank. Lou sat in shock, unable to speak at all.
Our lives are about to change dramatically, especially Lou’s. He must give up his hope to find a job and his ability to drive. He is faced with a disease that will only get worse in time. I can’t imagine what it is like for him. I understand a little bit. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was shocked, sad, and overwhelmed. I thought I was going to lose my hair and get extremely sick and die. Luckily I was in the early stages and a surgery got rid of my cancer. For Lou there is no surgery to take away his illness. There’s medication that can slow it down, but nothing to take it away.
He is feeling devastated, sad, and angry. He feels like his life is over. I find myself in a new position. I must be strong for him. There is no time for me to fall apart. Lou needs to lean on me, and he needs me to help him through this. I have to schedule his appointments, I have to make plans for future care for him, and I have to make sure I get time off work for his appointments. I have to do what is needed to protect my job in case I have to call off to take care of him. There is so much to do and to prepare for.
I want to lie in bed for a day and just cry, but I can’t. My husband needs me. Lou filed for early retirement, but our plans were for him to work part time to help with finances and to get him out of the house. Now he’s not going to be able to work at all. With my paycheck and his early retirement, we won’t have enough money to pay all our bills. I’m looking into financial assistance and ways to reduce some of our bills. I’m overwhelmed.
I feel sad. I wanted my husband to enjoy his retirement and work a part time job he would love. I can’t believe the love of my life, my rock, and my soulmate has to go through such a horrible sickness. It’s unfair. He deserves better. Am I strong enough to help him through this? Will I be able to manage his illness? Should I go back to therapy? When he gets really bad, will I be able to handle it without falling apart? I’m not used to being a caregiver. Can I do it?
I keep hearing the horrible things that can happen with his illness. I’m told in time I will have my hands full. Even TV shows portray the worst side of Lou’s illness. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and no matter what happens I will be able to handle it. I don’t want to think about the worst side of this illness, not now. I want someone to hold me and tell me to go ahead and let the tears flow. I need a few minutes to stop being strong. I want this to be just a bad dream.
If this happened several years ago, I would not have been able to be strong. I would have fallen apart and not been able to be there for my husband. I have come a long way. I know that I need to take one day at a time. I need to practice coping techniques to keep myself going. I need to lean on my support system. I need to go to therapy when things get harder. I need to practice self-care. It’s important to handle my mental health and to take care of myself as I take care of Lou. It’s important that I look into extra help options early so I will be prepared for when things get worse.
When you reach recovery from mental illness, it’s important to always manage your illness especially during the rough times. You can manage the unexpected as long as you remember to take care of yourself also. Don’t be afraid to go to therapy for extra support or to join support groups. Even though you must be strong, you are allowed time to fall apart as long as you pick yourself up.
My life is changing dramatically, but despite my mental illness I know I can handle it. I know when and how to ask for help. I’m taking one day at a time while I lean on the shoulders of my support team in the light of recovery.
FROM BEHIND THE SHADOWS
All my life I have been the type of person to hide in the shadows. In school I stayed in the shadows to try and hide from the bullying. That protection followed me into college and adulthood. If I went unseen, I was safe from making a fool out of myself or getting put down. I have always followed what others told me to do and never could see myself as a leader. Until now.
I went through school trying very hard to be unseen and hidden. If I was put in a group of people to do an assignment, I kept my mouth shut and let others make the decisions. In college I took a class in TV news. We were broken into groups and were given the task of putting together a commercial. One person took the role as leader of the group and each of us was given the task of brainstorming ideas. I listened to the others’ ideas and only gave my ideas when I was asked. I was too scared and shy to speak up on my own. Even in college away from the kids from previous schools I was afraid of being put down. I became comfortable in the shadows.
Even when I started working at the grocery store where I continue to work, I stayed in the shadows. When I first started there, I barely talked. In time I learned to open up to fellow employees, but I found it impossible to take the initiative to talk to managers or to speak up during a training session. Sitting quietly with my lips tightly closed has always been the safest way for me.
I was going through breast cancer when Alex Kovarovic asked me to write for his nonprofit National Internet Safety and Cyberbullying Taskforce. I was excited. In time I went from writing blog posts to interviewing volunteers and helping plan events. I felt totally out of my league, but I stayed with Alex and the nonprofit as it changed into One Life Project. With One Life Project I became president’s assistant in education and research and worked alongside, Alex. I started by researching topics for the website and realized I was pretty good at research.
When Alex moved me up to a higher position where I was going to work alongside another woman to lead a group of volunteers, I got scared. The girl often planned online meetings and let me know of them at the last minute. I sat in the meetings silently as she talked, but I noticed she was disorganized and kept getting distracted by people in the background. I was afraid to step out of the shadows to speak up and take charge.
But Alex didn’t give up on me; he moved me up to Executive President of Educational Outreach and Advocacy and then to Senior Executive President of Education. Now I’m making hard decisions like letting go of people who are not doing their share. Alex is continuing to guide me in my role as a leader. I’m stepping out of the shadows to excel in my position. I’m learning to speak up and step out of my comfort zone. It’s scary and exciting. I’m proud of how far I have come and of myself for stepping out of the shadows.
I work with my team of volunteers to put together workbooks for schools and universities. I have traveled to events and handed out educational material, and I was even interviewed with Alex for Spectrum News. I’m learning different skills and how to educate young people about mental illness. The work I do means a lot to me because I was once a young person with mental illness. I had no one to teach me what mental illness was and how to ask for help. Now I’m part of a organization that gives young people opportunities to learn and ways to ask for help.
In April I will be traveling to New York City for a conference and awards ceremony. I will be giving a speech at the conference and receiving awards at the ceremony. One award I know I’m getting is from the President of the United States. It is the Lifetime Achievement award. I can’t wait to be honored with this award and possibly others.
You may feel like you’ll never rise out of the darkness or from behind the shadows to succeed, but that is untrue. You can do a lot with your life, despite mental illness or bullying. You don’t have to settle for being at the bottom. Use the determination deep down inside you to rise and reach beyond your safe place. You can become successful. Mental illness and bullying are only challenges you must overcome to make your dreams become possible. Don’t be afraid to try something new.
Stepping out of the shadows has helped me rise above the hole into the light of success.
CHILDHOOD MENTAL ILLNESS
Mental illness knows no boundaries. It doesn’t pick a certain age group. Even children struggle with this serious sickness. Many children suffer in silence, afraid to tell parents, guardians, and teachers what’s happening within them. They may not even understand what is wrong. It’s a horrible struggle to face alone, but unfortunately many of our children feel they have no other choice.
I never really realized how young I was when I started struggling with mental illness until I started writing my memoir. To write my book, I had to retrace and relive my childhood. Back then I didn’t know what mental illness was. My mom told me my grandmother, her mom, struggled with mental health problems, but I had little understanding of what that meant. I just knew she was sick and spent some time in hospitals. She came to visit once and a while, but I was young and only have a few memories of her.
My mom told me I was a happy child until I started going to school. Some of that sadness was caused by serve bullying, and I believe that bullying triggered my illness. Many things can trigger such a sickness like abuse, tragedy, loss, poor living conditions, bullying, and so on. Bullying was my trigger. The bullying started in first grade and in my memoir, I could retrace the start of it.
It was then I began to lose self-esteem. I couldn’t defend myself against the names I was called. I began to question if the things I was called were true or not. I felt a sadness, but it wasn’t overpowering. As the school years went on, my illness progressed. At night I struggled to sleep and when I did, I had nightmares. I started to put myself down internally and I began to hate myself. I broke out in angry fits. I would get into fights with my siblings, I would scream, cry, and throw things. Then I started pulling my hair to ease my pain inside. The hair pulling turned to punching a wall and pinching my skin.
I knew there was a deep sadness in me and that I had emotions I couldn’t control, but I had no way of explaining it. My parents were and are very loving people. Dad worked long hours at the family garage and Mom worked hard taking care of four children and our home. They didn’t have much money, but they showered us with love. So, if I had such wonderful parents, why didn’t I turn to them? How could I tell them I was falling apart inside when I couldn’t comprehend it?
I was afraid they wouldn’t understand. How could they when I didn’t even know what was happening? It seemed like a burden I was cursed to carry on my own. My parents thought I had a bad temper. I thought they were right, but when I broke out into those angry bursts it was like I lost all control of myself. There was no explanation for that other than I had pent up anger to let out from the kids teasing me at school. I argued with my parents and little things set me off into a fury. My parents and siblings suffered the wrath of my unexplainable temper-tantrums. My parents were at their wits’ end trying to figure out how to help me control my anger. It wasn’t until I was hospitalized as an adult that I learned the angry fits were emotional episodes caused by Borderline Personality Disorder.
In eighth grade I felt the saddest I had ever felt. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. I buried my depression in studying. The racing thoughts were nonstop. I tried to quiet them, but they were too powerful. They tore me apart inside. A misunderstanding from my Special Education teachers sent me to the school counselor. Talking to him each week got me through that rough time. I was able to cope a little better.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom in college that I finally confided in my parents. I had started cutting myself, I planned my death, and began to try to take my life. When my mom found out what was happening, she went out of her way to find me help. As an adult I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, self-injury, and Borderline Personality disorder.
I struggle with worries of how my parents will handle my memoir. Will they feel guilty for not knowing? Will they be crushed when they realize how I suffered in silence? Will they be hurt because I didn’t turn to them? I think the important message I want them to get from my book is that their love and the love of other family members was what kept me going.
Childhood mental illness is serious. It’s important to educate parents and children about the symptoms and signs. It’s important we tell our children that it’s okay to talk about things that’s happening to them which they don’t understand.
If you’re a child suffering, don’t be afraid to tell someone. Don’t suffer in silence. This sickness is a heavy burden you can’t carry on your own. Tell a parent, a relative, a guardian, or a teacher. That way they can get you help. I wish I would have confided in my parents. Maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have fought this sickness for so long. Maybe I could have reached recovery sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have hit rock bottom and became suicidal. Speak out. If you must put it in a note or draw a picture, then do that.
I can’t live in regret for keeping my illness a secret from when I was a kid. There are a lot of “what if’s,” but instead of wondering, I decided to help others with my memoir. Writing my memoir helped me and I’m sure will help others. Helping others through my writing will guide many children to the light and also keep me standing strong in the light of recovery,
SPEECH WRITING
I remember the first time I gave a speech. It was in high school English class. Our teacher gave us instructions to write a speech for a topic I don’t remember. She told us our speeches would be put in a contest and if we won, we would have to read our speech before the whole high school. That scared me to death since I barely even talked in school. I prayed I wouldn’t win, but I won third place. I stood with sweaty hands on a stage before the whole high school, stumbling over my speech as I read it. I felt sick to my stomach. I vowed to never give a speech again, but God had other plans for me.
Then in college I took a speech writing class. Our assignment was to write a speech about a topic of our choice and present it to the class. We would be graded on our speech. I wrote about learning disabilities and famous people who had the disability. I wrote out my speech and then copied it onto index cards. I stood in front of the class once again, my hands were sweaty, my legs shook, and I stumbled through reading my speech. I barely got a passing grade. I decided I just could not give speeches. I wasn’t good at it.
Part of my learning disability is being able to memorize things. The only way I could pass tests in school was putting my notes on index cards and studying them for endless hours until they were burned into my brain. I had to read my speech for my college course because I couldn’t memorize it, and that was a mark against my grade. I felt like a failure.
Then many years later I got my memoir published and was invited to speak at book signings. I didn’t have to write a speech because it was my story. I let God guide me and I spoke from the heart. The words just flowed from me and everyone applauded when I finished. Afterwards they told me what a great speaker I was. That young girl who thought she was a failure at speaking was suddenly a success.
February 14 to the 16, depending on the weather, I am going to Massachusetts for some office openings and a conference for One Life Project. The CEO, Alex Kovarovic, wants me to write out my speech so that I limit it to fifteen minutes and I don’t make mistakes. He said I could read it, but I need to look like I’m not reading it. That would be impossible. Then Alex created an outline for my speech using artificial intelligence. The outline had five sections ranging from three hundred words to six hundred. I felt my insides twist and turn. There would be no way I could memorize it or look like I’m not reading it. Plus, how could I get that many words written in two weeks?
Would I be a failure at giving this speech like I was the other times? Would I look like I was inexperienced reading it? Would I make a fool out of myself?
I sat down to write my introduction. I wrote it and rewrote it several times. Then I wrote the second part, and it just flowed from me. I plan on writing the next section on Monday. I’m writing a speech about my story of bullying and mental illness. How can I mess up my own life experiences? It’s the same speech I gave at my book signings. I know my story by heart, and I just know each of the other parts will flow from me. I feel that even though my speech will be written out, I will remember it because it’s my story. I’ll print my speech out in larger print, highlight the different sections, and use it as a guide to get through each section correctly.
I’m not that scared high schooler or college student anymore. I have established myself as a speaker and there’s no reason why I can’t give a good speech from what I have written. My friends and husband said I can practice on them. I’ll just keep practicing until I get the wording right. I have grown as a person since I gave my written speeches in high school and college. I have better self-esteem, I’m more confident, and I have climbed out of my walls of protection.
My speech will be recorded on social media, and I hope to put it on this blog after it’s posted. I will share it on my social media sites.
Sometimes I doubt my ability to do things. The young Aimee who felt like a loser resurfaces within me. When that happens, I doubt myself. When I realize what I’m doing, I have to remind myself I’m not that person anymore. I can do anything I put my mind to. My determination has guided me through many challenges in my life and I have accomplished a lot because I pushed past my fears. I will push past my fears again and do this speech well.
Because of my determination, I overcame bullying, recovered from mental illness, beat cancer, and much more. My determination helps me stand confidently in the light of recovery.
aimeeeddy.com 