Tag: Mental Illness

MY NEXT MEMOIR

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

It’s been a little while since I worked on my next memoir, The Years After the Garage. With all the hard times going on in my life, I haven’t been in the right mind set to relive my past. Plus, I’m learning a new role at One Life Project and that has been exciting, scary, and a bit overwhelming. Today, Saturday the twenty-eighth, I had the day off from work and it happened to be when Pennwriters meet in person. I haven’t been to an in person meeting in months. So, I printed out chapter one of my memoir and took it to the group.

I arrived there a little before one o’clock. There were some people I knew and some people who were new to me. I have reworked chapter one a couple of times, trying to make sure this book could keep the readers interest if they had not read the first one. That involved giving some details about things that happened in the first book. Details like coffee break was a break that the guys at E.L. Eddy and Sons Garage took. The new people who never read the first book said the memoir worked well as a stand-alone book. Even those who read the first book agreed.

One woman asked if I should add my perspective from me as an adult looking back. I explained that would take my readers out of the story. A good memoir brings the readers into the story and allows them to live each part with the author. I want my readers to cry, to get mad, to feel sad, to laugh, and to rejoice with the teenage me. This shows the readers what it’s like to go through bullying and to slide into mental illness. If I put the adult me into it, then I take the readers out of the story.

Minor grammar errors were found in my chapter. It was suggested to cut the chapter into two chapters, but that would make one eight pages long and the other one four pages long. I’m not sure if I can have chapters in such different lengths. I may have to add to the four pages chapter. When I got home, I talked with another memoir writer and posted on We Love Memoirs Authors group on Facebook to ask about the chapter lengths. Once I figure out what to do, I will know if I need to add, and then I will work on that. By splitting chapters I went from six chapters to eight, putting me further along in my memoir.

My first book was about bullying and finding acceptance from family. The second book focuses on mental illness and the accomplishments I make despite being sick. It shows the pressure I put on myself to succeed. What helps me deal with the mental illness is my writing and woodburning. The bullying I face in this book is a little different than what I faced in grade school. Bullying comes in many forms such as gossip, physical abuse, destruction of personal objects, and being ignored. I’m not going to tell you which one of these I face in the next book.

One theme I want to make clear in this book is that even though a person has mental illness, he or she can still accomplish a lot in his or her life. Mental illness doesn’t mean you cannot fulfill your dreams or succeed at your goals. I achieved a lot while struggling with my illness. It did make things harder, and I put myself through hell to reach my goals, but I did it. This book will show that.

The good news is after this meeting I am inspired to keep working on my next memoir. I came home and split a couple chapters up and reworked some scenes. I wanted to get this book done in two years, but it’s already been a year since I started it. I can’t write every day like many authors do. I write when I’m emotionally strong enough and inspired. I do hope it won’t take me four years to write it like it did the first one.

If you want to keep updated monthly on what is going on with my writing and One Life Project, sign up for my newsletter at http://eepurl.com/iuzWqw and get a gift for signing up.

Writing is my way of healing from the past and dealing with my emotions. When I’m not working on a book, I’m journaling. Releasing my feelings and past in words helps me stay in the light of recovery.

A NEW ROLE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

We take on many roles in our lives such as the caregiver, the supporter, the listener and the one needing to be taken care of. As our lives and situations change, we can take on many different roles. Sometimes we get used to being in one role, and it suddenly changes. When you have mental illness, sometimes you get stuck in a self-absorbtion. The only problems and things you can handle are your own problems, and you can barely handle them. When you reach recovery, that changes.

When I was struggling with mental illness, I barely made it from day to day. I could barely handle the agony inside me. I couldn’t make decisions, I could barely eat, I couldn’t handle the deep sadness within me, and so on. When my friends and family members were having a hard time, I couldn’t see past my inner pain to be of any support to them. I was so absorbed by my own problems that the only role I could play was the person who closed herself off from the world.

Then I reached recovery, and I took on new roles. I became supportive and a good listener. Then I started having health problems, and my husband became my caregiver, my strength, and support. He has sat in many waiting rooms while I’ve gone through surgeries and tests. I became the person in need of extra care. He’s also been very supportive when I have bad days with my mental illness, and he’s always had a positive side to my negative side. When I felt like giving up, he encouraged me to keep going. I have been dependent on him for many things, and he has always given without complaining.

Now life has thrown some big rocks in my husband’s path, and our roles have changed. He has become more dependent on me. He has struggled with health problems which have put me in the caregiver role. I waited for hours in two different ERs with him and in waiting rooms of doctors.

Then his job started cutting his hours way down, trying to force him to retire. It has come to the point that they are only giving him two days a week. I have been helping him search for jobs and fill out applications. No one has been calling him for interviews, and he’s feeling discouraged. Instead of being the positive one, he has become negative. I have become the one that points out the positive and encourages him. I’m not used to this role change, but I’m taking it on with support from my support team.

I’m not only being supportive of my husband, but also of my older sister who is struggling with eye issues. I called and scheduled her an appointment with a retina special in Erie, even though she lives forty-five minutes away in New York state. My husband and I have been driving to pick her up for appointments and drive her back home. She’s currently waiting for the test results and is worrying about them. I am listening to her and being supportive. I’m providing her with the encouragement she needs.

I’ve also taken on a role as a leader in One Life Project. I have been promoted from president’s assistant to executive president of educational outreach and advocacy. I’m stepping away from my role as a follower to the role of a leader. I’m still learning this new role, but I feel proud of myself for taking on this new position. Throughout my life I have shied away from leadership roles and hid behind the scenes. I let others lead the way for me, but now I am standing taller as I learn to be the one in front. I’m proud of this new position at One Life Project.

I came from being the person who couldn’t handle anyone’s problems, let alone my own, to the person supporting and encouraging. I went from needing to be taken care of to taking care of others. I went from being led to being a leader. These roles are new to me, but I’m proud of myself for coming this far to be able to handle these roles. I’m happy to be able to support others in their time of need and to give back to my husband what he has been giving selflessly to me.

You may feel like you will never be able to take care of anyone, not even yourself, but with hard work in time you will take on a new role. Keep fighting for recovery because when you reach it, you’ll become a new person. You’ll become the kind of person others can depend on. When you do reach recovery, you’ll be strong enough to take on new roles. Roles you once thought you could never handle.

In my new roles I feel proud of myself and stronger. Taking on these new roles helps me stand taller in the light of recovery.

CATASTORPHIZING

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

This week was a very busy week for me and my husband and on Saturday Lou and I took a four-hour trip to Harrisburg and back for an event for One Life Project. So, this week I’m reposting an older post.

When you’re in the depth of the dark hole of depression it is easy for your thinking to become distorted. There are several types of cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification (catastrophizing)and so on. It’s easy for your thoughts to take on a life of their own, sending you deeper into your illness. You become stuck in a defeating pattern of anguish.

It’s easy to take a small incident and in your mind turn it into a catastrophe. David D. Burns, M.D.’s book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy lists this type of thinking as magnification (catastrophizing). It describes it as exaggerating the importance of things. It’s taking a simple mistake and turning it into a disaster or worse. Just recently I found myself caught in this type of thinking and I wanted to share it with you.

Just a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I got sick. I had to take two weeks off work. I had my doctor send an excuse for my absence. When I was feeling better, I had my doctor send a return to work note. When I came back, they were surprised to see me. They thought I would be out longer. I worked three days the week of Thanksgiving. We get our schedules online or on an app on our phones. The day after Thanksgiving I checked my app and there was no schedule for the following week. I called the store where I work and was told I wasn’t on the schedule. The coordinator (takes care of the front end and gives breaks) said he would message the front-end manager to find out why.

Early that day I received a paper about applying for disability through work. Before Thanksgiving the store’s personnel manager asked me why I had a doctor’s note to be on express checkout. I explained to her it was because I have osteoporosis, and it is worse in my back. She told me they would try to accommodate me but at times I may have to go on full size register.

After hearing the coordinator saying I didn’t have a schedule my mind went crazy. I became determined that personnel was forcing me to take a leave of absence. Osteoporosis doesn’t just go away. It can improve with treatment, but it doesn’t suddenly get better. I have had one infusion so far to stop it’s progression. It would take time to improve. If I had to take a leave, I would never be able to return. It could take years for my bones to become strong enough for me to lift heavy items and to work regular register.

A simple problem suddenly grew into a catastrophe. If I am forced to take a leave, I will lose my job. I can’t sit around home all day and do nothing. I need my job. It’s how I manage my depression. Without my job I would slip deep into my illness. I wouldn’t see my customers anymore and I’d lose my insurance which pays for my medication, part of my infusion, my psychiatrist, and many health problems. I could apply for Social Security disability but that could take a long time and we would go broke and lose our home.

I ran upstairs and woke my husband. I told him what happened and began crying.

He wrapped his arms around me. “It’s probably a mistake. Don’t worry about it.”

I cried harder. “I’m not stupid. I know what they are doing. They are making me take a leave because I have osteoporosis. That’s why they sent me the disability papers.”

Lou wiped my tears away. “Come to bed. You need to be up here with me.”

I went back downstairs and shut the lights off and went to bed. I lay in Lou’s arms and cried uncontrollably. Lou held me, telling me everything was going to be okay.

I sniffled. “I can’t lose my job. I can’t be stuck at home all the time. I can’t go back into depression. They can’t do this to me.”

“Now, now, you’re not going to lose your job. Tomorrow you’ll talk to your manager. It’s probably a mistake. They wouldn’t make you take a leave without talking to you,” Lou whispered.

I buried my face in his chest. “I know what they are doing. They don’t want me working there because I have osteoporosis. I’ll lose my job. I wish I would have killed myself years ago.”

Lou continued to comfort me until eventually I cried myself to sleep. The next morning my manager contacted me. She said because I was off work the company took me out of the computer and she was unable to put me on the schedule. She apologized and assured she would get me a schedule for the following week when she got to work, and she did. The union representative said I probably received the disability papers because they thought I was going to be on sick leave longer than I was.

I took a simple situation and turned it into a catastrophe. I let my mind magnify me not being on to the schedule into something horrible when it was a simple flaw that could easily be fixed. Even in recovery I can have times where distorted thinking takes control of my mind. Who knows what I would have done if my husband wasn’t there to comfort me? I might have hurt myself over a simple mistake.

If you find yourself magnifying a simple incident into a catastrophe, turn to someone who can help you talk it out and see your thinking is distorted. Get David D. Burns, M.D.’s book Feeling Good and read through the types of cognitive distortions and identify which ones you struggle with. Talk to a therapist about them and learn how to change your pattern of thinking into something more positive and how to cope when the distortions become overbearing. Educate your support system about the types of cognitive distortions you struggle with so they can help you.

Through this blog I have educated my husband and friends about the cognitive distortions I struggle with. My husband and friends are good at using what they learned to help me. Without my husband that night I might have harmed myself. I’m happy to have a husband who talked to me and held me until I was calm enough to sleep. With his help I stand in the light of recovery.

HELPING THE YOUTH

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

When I was in school, I struggled with mental illness, and I had no idea what was wrong with me. I kept my struggle to myself because I feared no one would understand the horrible feelings that plagued me. I fought deep sadness, inner pain, and racing thoughts in silence. When I went to school, in the seventies and eighties mental illness wasn’t talked about in or out of school.

Sad woman silhouette sitting alone on white background

My struggles followed me into college and adulthood. Now I work for One Life Project to help children find help and to educate them, so they don’t have to struggle alone.

I started with One Life Project in 2018 when it was called National Internet Safety and Cyberbullying Taskforce, and I have watched it grow as it changed into One Life Project (OLP). With One Life Project I believe I’m reaching out and touching one life at a time and making a difference. OLP helps make the world a kinder place where we advocate for, educate, and support youth with their mental health in the hopes to prevent suicide in our youth and to end the stigma surrounding mental health.

I started writing blog posts in 2018 for the Taskforce. I also helped interview volunteers and set up events. I was totally confused and nervous about my role of setting up events. Then when the Taskforce became One Life Project I took on new roles first as a director, then as the president’s assistant, and now as executive president of educational outreach and advocacy. As I take on my new role, I am learning to become a leader and advocate. I learned that I’m good at doing research, and I’m learning how to put projects together such as workbooks for college students. So far, I’ve helped edit a self-esteem workbook and I’m currently helping the president put together a sexual assault workbook. The next workbook I will be working on is deals with teen bullying, a subject I have become well acquainted with.

I believe strongly in the work One Life is doing, the projects I’m working on, and the subjects I’m researching. I believe if we can educate our youth early and support them then they can reach recovery from mental illness before they reach their adulthood. No child should struggle in silence and feel afraid to ask for help. No child should feel there is no help and the only way to receive relief is by taking his or her life. No parent should be confused with what is going on with their child or not knowing how to help their child. Working with OLP I’m helping to make sure that our youth and their parents are educated.

The workbooks and the educational materials I’m taking part in is going to help thousands of our youth with some very rough times in their lives. I’m proud to be a part of this. I don’t want to see our teens, our college students, and our young adults struggle like I did. Each youth is important and deserves to be educated, supported, and advocated for.

If mental health was talked about and taught when I was young, I may have never struggled into my adulthood or kept my struggles quiet. I would have been able to turn to my parents without fear, and they would have known how to help me. Instead, I learned after hitting rock bottom and trying to take my life from a pamphlet I found at college that I had an illness. After that I took a year off from college and got the help I needed. It has taken me into my adult years to reach recovery.

I’m still learning my role as executive president of educational outreach and advocacy, but I’m excited to grow as a leader and advocate. OLP is also helping me grow as a person and learn new things about myself. Check out One Life Project at https://www.projectonelife.org/

Working for One Life Project and believing in their mission is helping me grow into a better person and stand proudly in the light of recovery.

GOSSIP AND BULLYING

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Gossip has been a part of our culture for years. We have all taken part in it in some way or another. We think nothing of it like it’s a natural part of being humans, but gossip is a form of bullying. Many people’s lives are ruined by this form of bullying. The victims of gossip are hurt emotionally and sometimes physically by a false tale spread by many.

I was told by an ex-employee of my workplace that the boss’s girlfriend left him. So, when I went to work the next day, I asked a fellow employee if it was true. Next thing I knew she was telling other employees and then she told the boss. Before I knew it my boss took me aside to lecture me about passing rumors. I felt bad. I didn’t mean for it to become a rumor, but it did. I realized after I was lectured that I should have asked the boss or just let it go until it was verified by him or his girlfriend who came in regularly.

In the small town I live in there was a rumor that one of the town women was cheating on her husband. The rumor soon became that she was seeing several men. The rumor kept growing and in time the couple’s marriage fell apart. After the damage was done the truth came out that she never cheated on her husband, but instead was hanging out with some of her women friends. I can’t imagine how hurt the woman was by a lie that destroyed her marriage. She was probably not only hurt by the gossip, but also by her husband not trusting her. The husband was probably hurt too by being led to believe his wife was betraying him.

Gossip starts with someone telling one person something they heard and then it gets passed around. As it gets passed around, it changes and grows into something worse. Bullying is a form of abuse that is repeated physically, verbally, or socially. Verbal bullying is the repetition of mean things being said. Gossip is where a truth or lie is turned into something false and repeated continually until it grows into something awful. The rumors hurt a person’s wellbeing and are repeated, making it a form of bullying.

When I worked in the bakery, the ladies told me different stories about how the Greek lady who worked with us faked her accent to appear innocent and turned around and stabbed them in the back. I was told stories of mean things she did to them. Each person made her sound worse. When I got to know her, I realized that they were passing rumors that were not true. Her accent was real, and she had interesting stories to tell about her culture. I found her to be kind and caring. What the other ladies said about her were all lies. In time the rumors and the way she was treated hurt her so badly that she ended up leaving.

We should never pass around anything that is told to us, especially if it’s told in confidence. We should also never believe what is told about a person until we confirm whether it’s true or not with the person it’s about. If you hear something about a person don’t repeat it. If you do, you become one of the bullies.

Gossip happens in schools, communities, workplaces, and even in churches. It’s up to us to put an end to it. We must stand up and say stop passing things that are not true and stop believing things we hear from others instead of the person, him or herself. Let the gossip stop with you.

You teach your children with different parenting methods, but also by your own actions. If you go around spreading gossip, then your child sees it and thinks it’s okay. So, he or she goes to school and passes rumors. Sometimes bullies are created by their parents. Be an inspiration to your children, teach them to always be kind, and practice what you teach. Teach your children about gossip and not to pass things around that are told to them. Teach them to always look for the truth.

There is a lot of gossip going around where I work. I don’t pass around what I hear, and I find out the truth before believing what I am told. By standing up against bullying and its different forms like gossip, I stand tall in the light of recovery.

GOSSIP AND BULLYING

Gossip has been a part of our culture for years. We have all taken part in it in some way or another. We think nothing of it like it’s a natural part of being humans, but gossip is a form of bullying. Many people’s lives are ruined by this form of bullying. The victims of gossip are hurt emotionally and sometimes physically by a false tale spread by many.

I was told by an ex-employee of my workplace that the boss’s girlfriend left him. So, when I went to work the next day, I asked a fellow employee if it was true. Next thing I knew she was telling other employees and then she told the boss. Before I knew it my boss took me aside to lecture me about passing rumors. I felt bad. I didn’t mean for it to become a rumor, but it did. I realized after I was lectured that I should have asked the boss or just let it go until it was verified by him or his girlfriend who came in regularly.

In the small town I live in there was a rumor that one of the town women was cheating on her husband. The rumor soon became that she was seeing several men. The rumor kept growing and in time the couple’s marriage fell apart. After the damage was done the truth came out that she never cheated on her husband, but instead was hanging out with some of her women friends. I can’t imagine how hurt the woman was by a lie that destroyed her marriage. She was probably not only hurt by the gossip, but also by her husband not trusting her. The husband was probably hurt too by being led to believe his wife was betraying him.

Gossip starts with someone telling one person something they heard and then it gets passed around. As it gets passed around, it changes and grows into something worse. Bullying is a form of abuse that is repeated physically, verbally, or socially. Verbal bullying is the repetition of mean things being said. Gossip is where a truth or lie is turned into something false and repeated continually until it grows into something awful. The rumors hurt a person’s wellbeing and are repeated, making it a form of bullying.

When I worked in the bakery, the ladies told me different stories about how the Greek lady who worked with us faked her accent to appear innocent and turned around and stabbed them in the back. I was told stories of mean things she did to them. Each person made her sound worse. When I got to know her, I realized that they were passing rumors that were not true. Her accent was real, and she had interesting stories to tell about her culture. I found her to be kind and caring. What the other ladies said about her were all lies. In time the rumors and the way she was treated hurt her so badly that she ended up leaving.

We should never pass around anything that is told to us, especially if it’s told in confidence. We should also never believe what is told about a person until we confirm whether it’s true or not with the person it’s about. If you hear something about a person don’t repeat it. If you do, you become one of the bullies.

Gossip happens in schools, communities, workplaces, and even in churches. It’s up to us to put an end to it. We must stand up and say stop passing things that are not true and stop believing things we hear from others instead of the person, him or herself. Let the gossip stop with you.

You teach your children with different parenting methods, but also by your own actions. If you go around spreading gossip, then your child sees it and thinks it’s okay. So, he or she goes to school and passes rumors. Sometimes bullies are created by their parents. Be an inspiration to your children, teach them to always be kind, and practice what you teach. Teach your children about gossip and not to pass things around that are told to them. Teach them to always look for the truth.

There is a lot of gossip going around where I work. I don’t pass around what I hear, and I find out the truth before believing what I am told. By standing up against bullying and its different forms like gossip, I stand tall in the light of recovery.

GOOD COMES FROM THE BAD

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

When struggling with mental illness, we often see nothing but the bad things in our lives. We think the bad will never end and we can’t see past it. What we don’t see is that good comes from the bad things that happen to us. We must struggle until we find life’s positives. The rough times build us up and make us stronger.

My husband’s grandmother raised him and when she got sick, he had to move to a new city to live with his dad. His dad wasn’t the best dad in the world. He put my husband through some rough times. Then years later he was engaged to a woman who died. If he hadn’t moved to a new city and he hadn’t lost his fiancée, we would have never met and have such a beautiful marriage. God saw his struggles and brought him happiness.

I struggled with bullying to be able to write a book to help educate and help others. My book is one of the good things that came out of the abuse I faced in school. Writing the book helped me heal from old wounds. I struggled with mental illness so I can write this blog to reach out to others and help them. I struggled so good could come from it.

Before I met my husband, I was in an abusive relationship. After my partner kicked me out and I spent time in a mental health hospital, I swore I would never date again. I figured I would live with my parents until they passed and then live with one of my siblings. A lady at work insisted I meet this man whose fiancée had died. After a lot of convincing from my therapist and a friend, I agreed on one date. In six months, that man proposed to me. Who knows what would have happened if my ex had never kicked me out? I may have never met the man of my dreams and found happiness.

It’s the circle of life. Everyone goes through bad times and struggles with heartaches. If we look at the rough times and tell ourselves, “I’m struggling now, but in time something good will come out of this,” we just might be able to find hope within the darkness. God carries us through life’s hard times, and he brings us good things. He has plans for us even when we can’t see past our heart aches.

Rough times help us grow stronger and learn lessons. If life were easy, we would never grow into the people we are. Because I struggled with bullying, mental illness, and abuse from a boyfriend, I have become stronger and wiser. I have educated myself about bullying and mental illness. I’ve broken free of my fear of being hurt by others to make many friends. I have grown into a stronger, more compassionate, and determined person. That is something good that came out of the bad.

Right now, my husband and I are struggling financially, and the bills are increasing. I keep reminding myself that good will come to us. This gives me hope. It helps me from falling apart and keeps me above the dark hole.

It’s easy to see life as hopeless when things are going wrong and we are struggling. Try to look at your rough times differently. Try to see that, in time, good will come from your bad times. Better times are in your future, and good things will come your way. We don’t struggle for nothing. We struggle to grow as a person and to find the good in our lives. Maybe your husband leaving you hurts, but in the future, you might find a kinder man who will love you the way you should be loved. Look for the light out of the darkness.

Good things have come from the bad things I have faced in my life. Holding on to the knowledge that God will bring joy from my struggles helps me stand in the light of recovery.

FROM THE BRINK OF TRAGEDY TO RECOVERY

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

My family’s life was turned upside down two weeks ago. On the fourth of July, my husband and I picked up my older sister who lives forty minutes away and drove her to my parents’ home for a picnic. It was a beautiful day. My uncle brought us leftover food from his grandson’s graduation, so no one had to cook. Mom warmed up the food and we sat at a table under a big oak tree and ate and talked. It seemed like the perfect day. Dad was in good spirits and was joking around with us like he usually does. Around four o’clock we drove my sister home and then drove back to our house. Then my husband and I watched fireworks, which seemed like a perfect end to a great day. We had no idea that our lives would soon be sent into a whirl wind.

The next day I called my mom to find out my dad had spent the night getting sick. She had called the cancer center, and they told her if he didn’t get better to take him to the emergency room. The following day Mom met my husband and me at a funeral home to go to the viewing of a friend who had passed. Mom told me Dad was doing better, but was very weak. So, we figured the food he ate didn’t agree with him since he was on chemo, or it was a reaction to the weekly shot he gets every Wednesday to fight the cancer.

Later that night my mom called me to tell me my dad was sick again, and they were at the ER. My husband and I waited for a phone call late into the night. I was sick with worry, and I had called my siblings to let them know Dad was in the ER. My younger sister and brother texted on our group chat from time to time, asking if I had heard anything. At one in the morning my mom called to tell me my dad had pneumonia in his left lung and was air-flighted to a hospital in Erie, a half hour away.

After I called all my siblings, I went to bed, but struggled to sleep. In the morning, my mom called and said my dad had taken a turn for the worse and was on a ventilator in intensive care. Dad had arrived at the hospital in renal failure, but the doctor on call saved him from dying. From that point on it was a matter of praying he would survive.

I called each of my siblings to tell them. My brother lives in Tennessee, and my younger sister lives in North Carolina, and they both made plans to come to town. Once they arrived, each day we gathered in the waiting room and took turns going into the ICU to hold Dad’s hand and to encourage him to fight. Only two people were allowed to go in at a time.

At home I cried in my husband’s arms, afraid that I was going to lose my dad, the man who always came to our rescue when my husband and I were in need, the man who believed in me being able to write a book when I lost hope, and the man who helped others without asking for anything in return. My emotions twisted within me, and I felt like I was falling into the hole of depression again. No matter how much I slept at night, it wasn’t enough, and I felt drained physically and mentally. I turned to my support system and journaled out my feelings. My friend Cheryl texted with me often to support me through this, and my friend Amy called and still calls me each day to see how I am and to get updates on my dad. I thought I needed a higher dose of my antidepressants to deal with the situation, but my psychiatrist disagreed. He said what I was feeling and how I was reacting was normal for the situation.

My dad had IVs in his arms and neck. His arms were strapped to the bed so he wouldn’t reach up and pull out the ventilator. He could nod his head when we talked to him, he squeezed our hands, and moved his legs. Nurses kept an eye on him round the clock, and different doctors came in and out. I wanted to cry each time I saw him, but knew I had to be strong for him. After six days my brother, his family, and I went to the hospital. I sat in the waiting room with my niece and nephews. My brother and his wife went back to see my dad.

After a while, my brother came out with a smile. “Dad’s off the ventilator and he can talk some.”

My niece and I went back, and my dad looked at me and said, “I love you, Aimee.” Then he looked at my niece and said, “I love you, Sara.”

He struggled to force his words out and his voice was garbled, but his words were music to my ears.

I looked at my father and said, “Dad, you’ll be tickling us again in no time.”

“He can tickle you now,” the nurse said.

Dad started rubbing his fingers on our arms in an attempt to tickle my niece and me. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. So, I laughed. As the day went on, he was able to talk more and joke around. After a few days he was moved out of ICU to a regular room, and he was looking more like himself. He was extremely weak, but in good spirits. My husband and I picked up my older sister to visit dad in the ICU and then in a regular room.

I posted on Facebook updates on my dad asking for prayers, and the prayers were answered. Each day he made new improvements. Now two weeks later he is in rehab, determined to get stronger so he can go home. We continue to visit him in rehab, and each day he’s getting stronger and is acting more and more like himself. My dad’s heart is weakened by everything he’s been through, and they are trying to strengthen it. He has fluid in his legs and feet, and they are giving him a diuretic to get rid of it, but they believe he will be able to return home in a week.

The thought of losing my dad scared me. I can’t imagine my life without him in it. I know he won’t live forever, and I thank God for giving me more time with him. This situation showed me how short life is and how God carries us through the rough times. It also showed me that I am stronger than I think. I did what I needed to deal with nearly losing my dad. I used coping techniques to keep me above the hole of depression.

Hold on to those close to you, tell people you love them, and don’t hold grudges. If you find yourself in a situation where your entire world is being turned inside out, use coping techniques and your support systems to get you through. Give yourself credit; you are strong.

I believe I handled nearly losing my dad quite well even when I thought I wasn’t. Leaning on my support team and using my coping techniques helped me stay in the light of recovery.

THE GOOD SIDE OF A BAD VACATION

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Even when we make the best plans for our life, things can go wrong. The best plans can be ruined in a second by an unexpected illness, a tragedy, or an injury. Life never works out exactly how we want it to. Life’s unexpected roadblocks can be hard to handle when you are working towards recovery or are in recovery from mental illness. How you handle these roadblocks is what keeps you on the right track towards or keeping in, recovery.

Last week I had planned for a vacation from work. Lou still had to work, but we planned one night out of town at a hotel and a day at a safari and shopping. The rest of my vacation I planned to put up our small pool, do laundry, and get the old 70’s -80’s entertainment center out of our living room and set up a TV stand. I even planned to buckle down and work on my next book. I was going to start my vacation with a Father’s Day picnic with my dad and family. I was looking forward to a week away from work, getting things done, and having some fun, but life threw a roadblock in my way and turned my vacation upside down.

The Thursday before my vacation I felt rundown. I thought maybe it was just an off day or a one-day thing, but when I woke up on Friday, I felt even more fatigued, my throat hurt, and I was coughing. My husband told me to call off work, but I was stubborn and went in. Halfway through my shift I felt so sick I could barely stand. I went home early and had to call off on Saturday. I lay in bed crying. Since I was sick, I couldn’t be anywhere near my dad since he’s going through cancer. My oldest sister was also sick, and my younger siblings live out of town. There would be none of us kids to spend Father’s Day with my dad. I felt awful about it. This was going to be the first Father’s Day in a long time I wasn’t going to spend with him.

I called and told my dad I was on vacation and if I were better by the end of the week, we could celebrate. I set my hopes on that. I told my husband we would have to lose our money for our night away, but he told me, “We’ll see how you are by Tuesday.” I started my vacation too sick to move, coughing so hard my stomach hurt, and unable to eat much food. Father’s Day I lay on the couch, sucking cough drops, and watching movies in between drifting off to sleep. My automatic thoughts were negative. My vacation was going to be an absolute disaster. We were going to lose our money on our hotel room and be stuck at home. Everything I had planned would never get done, and I was going to spend the whole week miserable.

Lou didn’t give up on our night away. He took me to the doctor on Monday. The doctor prescribed me cough medicine and a steroid because my asthma flared up by my illness. She diagnosed me with a viral infection and prescribed me lots of rest. I was feeling better by Monday, with a little more energy, but the cough was horrible. I had to curl up in a ball and clench my stomach each time I coughed.

Lou said, “How about I drive to the hotel, we get some food to eat, and spend the night resting in air conditioning. I’ll get us some snacks foods and I’ll take care of you. Since we’re going through a heat wave the air conditioning will help your breathing.”

I wasn’t too sure about this idea. Was I well enough for the ride? Would it be fair for Lou to do all the driving? What if I just got sicker? Would I even enjoy it? I agreed to our overnight trip but wasn’t too sure about it. I feared it would be a disaster.

We went on our trip. The cough medicine helped ease my coughing, I slept while Lou drove, and when we got there, I had more energy. We were able to have dinner out and spend the night relaxing in our room, eating junk food. Lou watched sports on the TV, and I watched movies on a portable DVD player. It turned out to be a very relaxing night away and I enjoyed it. The hotel had a very good free breakfast, and we went to Walmart to pick up a few things before heading home the next day. I was glad Lou wouldn’t let me cancel it.

Thursday morning Lou called me from work to tell me he wasn’t feeling good and was coming home. He was lightheaded so I took him to the ER. We sat in the ER waiting room for over five hours without them calling us back to a room. When I asked the woman at the check in desk how much longer until they call my husband back, they couldn’t find him in the computer. She went over and took his wrist band, told me to sit down and she would be right back. We sat and sat and she never came back. We got mad and left. That night while he slept, I had extra energy, so I went outside and put our pool up. Then I went inside and lay down. The next day I took Lou to Urgent Care to find out he had bronchitis.

I kept thinking this is the vacation from hell. Everything was going wrong. First, I was sick, then a horrible day at the ER, and next Lou was sick. Then I started to look at the positive side to my awful vacation: we still got to spend the night away, I got to sleep in and watch movies all day, I still was able to put the pool up, and I did sit in it for a couple days. I didn’t have to call off from work and I got paid to be sick.

Why am I telling you about my bad vacation? Because no matter how bad things, get there is a good side to everything. It’s so hard to see it when we are going though the difficult times, but the good is there. Instead of dwelling on the bad try to find the positive in what you are going through. Good comes from the bad.

As I write this, I’m not a hundred percent better, but I’m much better than I was. I still have a milder cough, my voice is hoarse, and I’m weak, but I’m ready to go back to work. Looking at the positive side of difficult situations keeps me soaking in the light of recovery.

TIPS FOR CONTROLING OVERREACTIONS WHEN YOU’RE EMOTIONAL

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

We often react irrationally when we are angry or frustrated. We say things we don’t mean, and we behave badly. It’s easy to lose track of ourselves when our emotions get the best of us. The same is true when you are struggling with depression. When you’re feeling very sad and hopeless, everything seems overwhelming and your emotions become out of control. You get hurt by simple reactions from others, you might see a friend canceling something as if they are doing it to hurt you, or you might overreact to a text or comment a person makes to you. To protect yourself you might say, text, or react badly towards the person whose intentions you misperceive

I have misinterpreted many things while I was at my worst. I have overreacted to others’ simple words and reactions. When a friend had an emergency come up, I interpreted her canceling a get-together as “She doesn’t want to spend time with me.” I’ve mistaken others’ intentions or misread things people have said. My wrongful reactions have cost me friendships or led me to hurt people I care about. So, I came up with tips to help you take control of your reactions so you can handle situations better.

Here are my tips:

  • Don’t react when you are very emotional. If you’re feeling down and you’re flooded with emotions, allow yourself to calm down and think more clearly before dealing with a disagreement or something that might have been said or done. Like when a friend told you she doesn’t have time to talk to you right now. You might be angry, sad, and hurt. All those emotions flood you and you start thinking your friendship is over and your friend hates you. In this case you might be attempted to say or text something mean. Instead of saying something you’ll regret, give yourself time to calm down. When you are calm, talk to your friend.
  • When a friend cancels something, don’t take it personally. Emergencies come up, people get sick, and plans change. Don’t automatically think it’s because the friend is trying to hurt you, doesn’t have time for you, or the friend doesn’t want to be around you. Ask him or her why he or she canceled. If you take the time to talk to your friend before you jump to a conclusion, you might just find out the cancellation has nothing to do with you, and you might be able to reschedule with your friend.
  • Write down your thoughts and feelings. When you are upset with someone, put your thoughts and feelings down on paper in a journal. Write out all those crazy thoughts that are driven by your emotions before you say something you don’t mean to. Once you get all those feelings and bad thoughts out, look at them and see if you can understand them differently, then write that down. Like, someone I know well ignored me when I said hi, so I thought she’s embarrassed by me. I hate her and will never talk to her again. Then think about it and write down: Maybe she was busy and didn’t hear or see me.
  • Don’t take boundaries personally. We all have boundaries, and we need those boundaries to take care of ourselves. Don’t get mad if someone can’t talk about your problems because he or she is going through their own problems. Be understanding of that and find someone else to talk to. If your friend can’t talk after ten at night, respect that and make sure you call before ten. Don’t take boundaries personally. They are there to help the person who you care about and it’s nothing against you.
  • Turn to a support partner. Talk out the situation or thing that happened with your support partner or support team. Having someone with a clear mind to talk to can help you think rationally about your feelings or the situation. They can help you calm down and tell you if you’re distorting things.

Use these tips to help you handle your emotions without overreacting and hurting relationships. It’s not easy to do when your mind is clouded by your sadness and hopelessness, but you can do it. By working through your emotions and thoughts before you overreact, you’ll find you’ll have stronger relationships and will avoid driving away people who really care about you.

I’m doing better at controlling my over-reactions when I go through a hard time, but sometimes I slip up. When I do slip up, I take the time to think it through and work it out with my friends and the people I care about. Following these tips helps me dance in the light of recovery.

GOD GIVES US TOOLS

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

God works miracles in people’s lives every day. People survive horrific accidents, they are miraculously healed of illnesses, they find a long lost love, or they find money when they are down on their luck. God is awesome, but he doesn’t always perform miracles. Sometimes he provides tools to help us get through illnesses and hard times.

I have heard from Christians throughout my struggles with mental illness say, “Give it to God and he will take your mental illness away.” It’s not that easy. God sometimes works miracles, but other times he provides us tools to help ourselves. It would be easy for him to click his fingers and our mental illness goes away, but what is he teaching us by making life easy? We learn when we help ourselves by using the tools God give us.

Just think of what a miracle it is for therapists and psychiatrists to have the knowledge and compassion to work with us to navigate our way through mental illness. Then God gives some people the knowledge to create medications that balance the chemicals in our brains to manage the symptoms of our illness. To other people God gave the ability to come up with coping techniques for us to handle hard times.

God worked a miracle in my life and gave me tools to help myself in my struggles with mental illness. In college I was at the bottom of my dark hole. I was suicidal and self-injuring, and I wasn’t sleeping. I took a year off from college to take care of myself. My mom went to a hospital in another state to find me help. They gave us information about a therapist who let me pay what I could afford since I had no insurance. The therapist set me up with a psychiatrist that used programs to help me get my medication for free. I saw the therapist each week and she taught me coping techniques. In time I started feeling the best I have ever felt. My therapist took me off my medication and told me in a few years my illness would return.

After I discontinued therapy and antidepressants, I started living the life I always wanted. I had lots of friends, I got together with a group of co-workers to go bowling until 2:00 AM, and I started dating. In a year I went back to college.

When I was getting ready to graduate, I went to my therapist’s office to give her an invitation to my graduation, but her office was empty. When I asked someone who had an office in the same building, he told me that my therapist’s office had been empty for a very long time, and there had never been a therapist in there. God gave me an angel to get better so I could live life and graduate from college. The therapist angel was right, though. A year or so after college I fell down that hole again.

celestial angel in the sky sits on cloud

I will admit I have had to search for the right therapist and psychiatrist to help me, but God did provide me with the ones I needed. After my abusive ex threw me out, my whole life seemed like a hopeless wreck. I started seeing a therapist who told me to watch a funny movie. I was unhappy with her, so I went to a program through my work that helped me find a new therapist. The new therapist knew I was a writer, so she had me journal out my feelings, and we worked on them in our sessions. She gave me homework, she taught me how to notice my unhealthy thinking techniques and change them, she taught me coping techniques, and she helped me learn to love myself.

When I met my husband, she did couple therapy with us to teach my husband how to handle my illness. She helped me stop injuring, find recovery, and start a new life. My therapist became like a friend to me. I miss talking to her. She is a tool God provided me to help me get better.

When I went to visit my husband’s uncle and aunt in Georgia, his uncle, a psychologist, noticed my hands shaking. He sat me down and asked me a series of questions; one of them was what medications I was taking. He told me my medication was causing the trembling. When I returned home, I told my psychiatrist. He took me off all my medication and I went into withdrawal. A friend told me about another psychiatrist who was good. I contacted him and he tried me on different medications, and when they didn’t work, he carefully weaned me off. I still see this psychiatrist every three months, and he has me on the right amount of medication to keep me in recovery. My husband’s uncle and the new psychiatrist are tools God gave me to help take care of my mental illness.

God has also provided me friends, family, and a husband to be a part of my support team. God didn’t cure me, but he gave me tools to help me reach recovery. I had to do a lot of work to get to recovery, and I had the right tools to help me get there. He continues to provide me tools to stay in recovery.

God does work miracles, but some of his miracles are in the form of tools to help us work through our mental illness. God gave therapists and psychiatrists the ability to obtain the knowledge to help us get through our illness. He also carries us in our struggle to reach recovery. By fighting this illness with God’s help, we learn to fight for ourselves, to take care of ourselves, and to ask for help. If God cured every illness, we would never learn lessons about life and ourselves.

Each day I use the tools God gave me to stay in recovery. I take my medication, I lean on my support team, and I use coping techniques to help me stand strong in the light of recovery.