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A SUICIDE ATTEMPT OR NOT?

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

     There is a lot of confusion about what self-injury is and why a person injures. Some people mistake self-injury for a suicide attempt. It’s hard to understand why anyone would go to the extent of harming themselves unless the person wants to die, but harming himself has nothing to do with suicide. Self-injury is a coping technique for overwhelming emotions or a way to just feel when you become numb inside. It’s not to say that the person hasn’t struggled with thoughts of taking his or her life, but those thoughts have nothing to do with why the person is harming him or herself.

     At a former job, the manager found out I was deeply depressed, and I was hurting myself on purpose. She became convinced I was attempting to take my life. She called crisis and they showed up to my department. Not only was I embarrassed that crisis came to my workplace and all my fellow employees knew they were there for me, but I had to sit in a conference room and explain to them that I was not attempting to take my life.

     The crisis worker questioned me for a half hour. She asked me why I wanted to die. She asked if I was to go home would I try to take my life again. She wanted to know if I needed to be hospitalized. I tried to explain to her I didn’t want to die, and I was working with a therapist to stop my injuring. I told her the injuring relieved my inner pain and I was not suicidal. After a while she let me go and gave me their number in case, I became suicidal or needed to talk.

     I can’t say I never thought of taking my life while I was sick, but when I injured, my goal was to relieve the immense inner pain that burned within my body. When I thought about suicide, I was in a different frame of mind. I wanted to save my family from the pain I was causing them and I wanted to end my own pain forever. When I hurt myself, I just wanted to relieve my inner agony for just a moment or longer, not forever.

     I even left my former boss a pamphlet on self-injury, but she continued to think self-injury was an attempt at suicide. Because of people like her, I worked hard to hide my self-harming.

     It’s important for us who injure or who have recovered from self-injury to educate others about self-injury. The more we write about it and talk about it, the more educated our loved ones and others around us will become. I write this blog post to reach out to the world and tell them about mental illness and self-injury. It’s important that teachers, managers, crisis workers, doctors, parents, friends and so on one are educated about how to handle self-injury and what self-injury is.

     Step up with me and educate others about self-injury. I believe I struggled with mental illness and self-injury to share my story with all of you. Writing about it is also therapy and keeps me within the light.

YOU ARE WORTHY

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

When you’re in the deepest part of your hole of depression it is hard to see your own self-worth. It’s easy to lose all your self-esteem. You see yourself as useless, hopeless, and an awful person. It’s nearly impossible to find anything that is good about yourself. The truth is: you are none of the things your sick mind tells you that you are. You are so much more than your illness and the dark lenses you are looking through. You are a worthy, special person.

I know many of you need reassurance that despite the illness that tortures your mind, you are a wonderful person. Below is a list of reasons why you are worthy. Maybe this is the moment you need to read this or maybe you need a reminder to fuel your determination to fight this awful illness. Whatever your reasons are, please read on.

Reasons you are worthy:

  • You are worthy of living. Your life is valuable and even though it doesn’t seem like it You are an important part of this world. You have people who love you. They would be broken-hearted if you were to die. You can get better and make a big difference in people’s lives. You’re important.   
  • You are worthy of happiness.

You might think you’re doomed to a life of sadness, but you’re not. You can reach recovery and live a happy life. You deserve happiness and it’s up to you to strive for it. Don’t be afraid to be happy and to search for happiness.

  • You are worthy of being loved.

You might hate yourself right now and think you don’t deserve love, but you are wrong. Everyone deserves to be loved, even you. Those sad, hopeless, and miserable feelings you have are not you. It’s your illness. The person you are is a beautiful person who is kind, caring, fun and much more. That person is worthy of love.

  • You are worthy of kindness.

You don’t deserve to be called names, to be hurt physically or to be used. You are worthy of people who will care for you, give you a shoulder to lean on, spend time with you and are willing to get to know you.

  • You are worthy of respect.

You don’t deserve to be treated like you are dangerous or a loss cause.
You deserve to be admired for your strength to fight this illness and for the person you are. You are special and are worthy of others’ respect. You deserve to be admired for your strength to fight this illness and for the person you are. You are special and are worthy of others’ respect.

  • You are worthy of recovery.
    You’re not meant to spend your life stuck in deep sadness and emotional pain. You deserve to learn coping techniques, learn new ways of thinking and of finding the right medication that helps you manage your illness. Recovery means managing your illness well enough that you can function and live a happy life and you deserve that.
  • You are worthy of loving yourself.
    Right now, you might hate yourself, but you don’t deserve the self-hatred. That person you are despite your illness is a beautiful person deserving of your love. Fight to find yourself and look inside you. See yourself for the person you are, not the person your illness makes you think of yourself. Inside you is a person craving to be loved by you.

Read through this list every time you feel unworthy.

Remind yourself of how worthy you are, each time you feel like giving up.

Write theses down on index cards and put them in different spots in your home where you’ll remember to read them.

Write each thing out on a piece of paper you are worthy of, if necessary.

Do this until you believe them to be true.

I am worthy of all of these and much more. Knowing this keeps me in the light of recovery.

TAKING A STEP HIGHER

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

I write about my many health challenges and life struggles in my posts not to ask for pity. I write about them to show you how life’s challenges can make being in recovery or reaching for recovery a challenge. Learning how to cope with what life throws at us takes us a step higher above the dark hole of mental illness. It is easy to fall into negativity, hopelessness, and sadness when things go wrong and when life piles on one problem after another. It takes a strong person to take the steps to lift ourself up higher into the light.

When things go wrong, they seem to happen all at once, and when you have mental illness, it can be very overwhelming. It’s overwhelming for anyone to handle rough times, but it is worse when you have mental illness. It’s easy to see the worst scenario of your situation and to block out the good. This can lead to excessive worrying, crying, anger, and despair. It’s okay to have feelings and to get down when so many things go wrong, but we can’t allow ourselves to dwell in those emotions. We must lift ourselves up and push forward.

I’m going through one of those times when everything seems to be going wrong. Our SUV keeps having problems, our dog has a sore leg, I have several medical tests this month, I have a hint of glaucoma, bills keep coming up, and there isn’t enough money to pay for them all. I have been worrying about everything going on and I have cried in my husband’s arms. Everything seems hopeless.

This last week I was on vacation, and we didn’t have enough money to do much. I spent a couple of days being lazy and in the dumps about our situation, but I didn’t spend the whole time dangling over the hole of depression. Tuesday my husband and I took a ride to Conneaut, Ohio which is about forty-five minutes from our home. On Wednesday we spent the day with my older sister. We splurged on going to a fast-food restaurant with my sister and we took her to a few stores. It was fun spending time with her. The point is I didn’t spend my whole vacation dwelling on all the problems my husband and I are facing.

I also used coping techniques to deal with our hardships. I have called or texted people on my support teams. I have journaled out my feelings and listed the positives in my life. Plus, I’ve kept myself busy doing things I love and that relax me. I wrote three pages in my next memoir, and I’ve done some woodburning. Writing is my passion, and it makes me happy to be able to tell my story. I also love to plan out a woodburning project and work to make it look beautiful. It’s exciting and rewarding. Both my writing and my woodburning take me away from my problems for a while.

Doing each of my coping techniques helps me step up higher above the hole. Yes, I am in recovery, but I’m not cured. Even though I am happy with my life, I fight and cope each day to remain in recovery. Some days are harder than others, and when life throws everything at me at once, it threatens my ability to stay strong. It’s up to me to take the steps that will lift me up and help propel me forward.

Being in recovery isn’t a matter of being happy and never struggling again. Instead, it’s a matter of taking steps each day that lift us up a little higher and keep us from tumbling down the hole of despair. It’s about facing hard times and allowing ourselves to feel sad, angry, frustrated and so on. Then we can use coping techniques to deal with those feelings. It’s a matter of pushing ourselves to fight to stay in the light. It’s about our strength being tested daily, but having enough determination to push back. Recovery is wonderful, but it is also work. It’s worth every step and struggle you put into it.

Reaching for recovery is a long and hard road to take. It doesn’t happen overnight. Finding the right medicine, fighting an awful illness, learning new ways of thinking, and learning how to cope are all hard to handle and takes determination. It may take years of ups and downs to reach recovery, but it’s worth taking the steps to lift yourself up higher. Life’s unexpected challenges will pop up on your road and threaten to detour you, but you can and will push past them. You can succeed and reach recovery no matter how hard life can be if you have the determination to take the steps.

Never let life’s challenges get in the way of your recovery or your steps to recovery. You are strong, you are important, you are worth it, and you do deserve recovery. Fight for your happiness because you deserve to keep stepping up higher into the light. You are a special individual who deserves to shine. Stand up and fight.

Times are tough right now for my husband and me, but I won’t let it get me down. I’m going to keep fighting and taking the steps that lift me up. Because I take the steps to lift me up, I stand determined in the light of recovery.

TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH BULLYING

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Unfortunately, bullying is a big problem in our schools. Children are being abused physically and verbally for being different. This abuse leads to mental health problems, behavioral problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and academic problems. Many parents are lost, not knowing how they can help their child.

From personal experience as a bullying survivor and through research, I put together some tips for parents to help their children. Below are my tips:

  • Look for signs of bullying. Some of the signs that your child is being bullied are: missing or destroyed belongings and clothing, loss of friends, spending time alone, loss of self-esteem, not sleeping or having nightmares, trying to avoid going to school, unexplained injuries, and so on. You can find out more at this site What are common signs of being bullied? | NICHD – Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (nih.gov)
  • Keep an open communication with your children. Talk to your children about school. Ask them about their day and friends. Tell your children they can talk to you if they need to. Be interested in their activities and what is going on in their lives. If you have a busy lifestyle, make a special time each day to sit and talk with your children.
  • Be willing to listen. If your child wants to talk, then make time to listen. Let your children know you’re always willing to listen to them. Sometimes they just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen while they let out their feelings.
  • Encourage children to share their feelings with other adults. Understand children don’t tell their parents everything. Let your child know if they can’t tell you something, they can tell an aunt, uncle, grandparents, or another adult they feel close to.
  • Look for signs of mental health problems. Many children who are bullied struggle with depression and anxiety. Learn about the signs of depression and anxiety such as nausea, frequent shaking, tightness in the chest, irritability, hopelessness, talk of suicide, excessive worrying, and feelings of sadness. You can find out more at Identifying anxiety, depression signs – Mayo Clinic Health System.
  • Seek professional help. If you notice signs of continuous bullying or signs of depression and anxiety, look into therapy for your child. Bullying is a form of abuse that rips apart a child’s self-esteem and mental well-being. A therapist can help your child cope and talk about what is happening to them. If you don’t feel confident with the school therapist, look for another professional. If you do not have health insurance, look into state funded programs. Many state programs offer help at low cost or no cost. The sooner you get your child help, the better chances you have of combating the effects of bullying.
  • Fight for your child. Talk to teachers, principal, school administration, or school board to put a stop to the bullying your child is facing. If no one will listen then document what is happening and talk to the news. Do what it takes to end the abuse your child is facing.

If your child is being bullied, use these tips to help them deal with what is happening to them. It’s your job as a parent to do what it takes to help your child. No matter how busy your life is, make time for your children and be aware of what is going on in their lives. Lean on friends and family for support. Let’s stop what we are doing and speak out for our children.

I wrote my book Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying to show not only the effects of bullying, but also the importance of family. My mom fought endlessly for me, but unfortunately back then she didn’t have the resources we have now. My family and my parents got me through many hard times as a child. The only regret I have is I should have never kept so much to myself. Writing my book and speaking out against bullying helps me heal in the light of recovery.

TIPS ON HANDLING LIFE’S CHALLENGES

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Life is very unpredictable. Sickness hits us when we least expect it, and other things seem to go wrong all at once. Our car breaks down, our roof leaks, a friend walks away, or a husband gets hurt. When you’re struggling with mental illness, life’s challenges can worsen your illness. If you’re in recovery or on the road to recovery from mental illness, life’s challenges can threaten to push you down that dark hole.

If you have been following my blog, you know I have faced a lot of health problems and challenges that have tested my ability to stay in the light of recovery. If you’re new to my blog, check out some of my older posts. I developed ways to cope with life’s challenges that I faced. Below are a few tips on how to handle challenges.

  • Allow yourself time to feel. Give yourself time to get sad, cry, scream, and let out your emotions. Holding in your feelings can only send you further into that hole of darkness. Do what you need to get those feelings out even if it means spending a day in bed.
  • Pull yourself together. Don’t let yourself stay stuck in your emotional state of mind. Remind yourself of how strong you are and what it took you to get where you are, whether it would be on the road to recovery or in recovery. Wipe those tears away, get out of bed, get dressed, and remember how strong you are.
  • Focus on the positive. Even though things are tough and seem hopeless, there are positive things. Pull out a piece of paper and write down the positive things in your life like you have a home, you got up that morning, the sun is shining, and you have food. Even the smallest things can be positive. It might be hard to find good things during the hard times, but don’t give up.
  • Turn to coping techniques. What kind of coping techniques did you learn in therapy? Do you do deep breathing, or grounding techniques? Do you have a hobby, do you journal, or do you go for a walk? Whatever coping techniques work for you, use them. If you don’t know of any techniques, then research some on the internet or talk to your therapist.
  • Lean on your support system. Talk or text your friends or family members who are part of your support team. Often, they can give you good advice or guide you to a healthier path. Sometimes it’s just good to have someone listen to you.
  • Push forward. When life hits you hard, it’s easy to give up and go backwards, but remember you’re strong. Stand up tall and push forward. See the hard times as something you can find away around. Be determined that you won’t let the struggles pull you down. You can get through this, and life will get better.
  • Seek help or talk to your therapist. If you find that you can’t get through this difficult time in your life on your own, call your therapist and make an appointment. If you’re in recovery and you no longer have a therapist, find one. There is no shame in seeking help. A therapist will have lots of ways to help you through and can guide you through the challenges that face you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Remember no matter how difficult things can get, you can get through it. Don’t let life’s challenges push you down that dark hole. Your road to recovery or remaining in recovery is too important to risk. Follow these tips or find your own ways to handle life’s challenges.

I have been through numerous illnesses, surgeries, and hard times and through it all I used these tips to keep me in recovery. I face life’s challenges with strength in the light of recovery.

STARTING COLLEGE WITH MENTAL ILLNESS

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Mental illness knows no age limits. It can happen to anyone at any age, even to children and teenagers. Some teens receive counseling, and some keep their struggles quiet out of fear. The mental illness doesn’t just weaken after high school especially if it’s untreated. Many young adults experience worsening of their mental illness or the onset of the illness when they start college. They are starting out on their own as adults, they have heavy work loads, long schedules, peer pressure, and a hard time fitting in.

During my senior year of high school, my cousin was killed in a car accident. This sent me deeper into depression. I kept my inner pain to myself and only told one of my friends. My grandparents lived close to the college I planned to attend so I moved in with them. They lived forty-five minutes from my home and my friends. My grandparents were kind people who gave to me endlessly. Grandpa checked my oil, cleaned snow off my car in the winter, and made sure my car was running every morning. Grandma went out of her way to cook my favorite foods, spoil me with love, and refused to let me help around the house. She told me my college work was more important. I was spoiled, yet unhappy.

My cousin’s death left me in great sadness and the only person I thought understood lived miles away. I was used to having my three siblings around and my mom there to help me. Even though my grandparents would have done anything for me, I felt like I had just entered adulthood and had to handle things on my own, including the endless sadness that was engulfing me.

I thought I could handle going to college full-time taking daytime and evening classes. This proved to be overwhelming. I had more homework than I could handle. My learning disability made it impossible for me to keep up with the reading assignments. I’m slower than the average reader, plus I have to reread things to be able to remember them. I stayed up late trying to complete reading assignments, study, and translate lectures I recorded with a small tape recorder into notes. I was stressed out. I was falling behind and that brought up the fear that followed me from high school, the fear I was going to be a failure.

If I wasn’t working late into the night, I would be lying in bed staring into the darkness struggling with endless negative thoughts and worries. Every morning I felt nauseated and forced myself to eat breakfast before going to classes. In between classes I escaped to the bathroom to get sick. On top of my depression, I was home sick and put my deepest feelings in notes to a friend. That ended in a big mess that led to abuse by my friend. I was too sick to see what she was doing to me. I just knew I couldn’t lose any of my friends and I held on too tightly.

In elementary and high school, I self-injured by pulling my hair or punching a wall, but in college I started cutting. I was sick, in pain, fatigue, stressed out and in agony, and I needed to release all those painful feelings. The only way I knew how was to injure myself. I hid my injuries under long sleeve shirts, or I cut further up on my arm that no one could see them. I hurt myself just deep enough to free the emotional pain.

I also began to plan my death. I even wrote out my obituary and suicide note. My grandparents slept downstairs and I had the whole upstairs to myself. They had no idea what I was doing. I was an adult I couldn’t trouble them with my problems; besides I didn’t want to hurt them. I thought if I were dead, I wouldn’t hurt my family with my miserable existence. One night I took a bottle of pills. I felt dizzy and out of it, yet somehow, I drove to college in a snowstorm and back.

When my mom started to notice something was wrong, she began to visit each week to spend time with me. When I finally confided completely in her about how I was feeling, she moved me home and went on a search to get me help. Eventually I took a year off college to work on my mental health.

College is a new beginning and can be made especially difficult if you are struggling with mental illness. My advice is don’t start college until you have begun treatment for your mental illness and have learned coping techniques for the sudden change in your lifestyle. If you need to take a year to work a job and do therapy to get your mental illness under control, do it. There is no need to rush off to college until you’re mentally strong enough to cope with the new challenges. Take care of yourself first. You can go to college at any time.

Don’t keep your feelings to yourself and try to handle your illness on your own. Tell your parents, a family member, or a counselor at the college what is happening to you. Even adults need help and support managing mental illness. Don’t suffer alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, especially if you are suicidal.

If college is becoming too stressful and it’s taking a toll on your mental health, then consider cutting down on some of your classes. It might take you longer to complete your degree, but your mental well-being is more important. When I returned to college after a year off, I cut my class load down to part time. It took me longer to graduate, but I was less stressed and stronger mentally because of it.

I started a two-year college in the summer of 1993 and graduated in 1999. It took me much longer to get my degree, but my mental health was better because of it. I have my degree hanging on my wall to remind me of the huge accomplishment I made despite a learning disability and mental illness. I stand proudly in the light of recovery as a college graduate who is following her dreams.

TALES OF THE CPAP

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

According to Sleep Sources (How Many People Have Sleep Apnea? 51 Statistics (sleepsources.com), around 22million people in the US have some form of sleep apnea. I am now one of them. When I took the sleep test, I was sure it would come back normal, but it didn’t. I’ve had sleep problems since I was a child due to anxiety, depression, and nightmares, but I never imagined as an adult I’d need a machine to help me breathe at night. This starts my tale of sleeping with a CPAP machine.

When I learned I needed a CPAP machine, I was very unhappy. How could I sleep with a mask over my face? My friend Cheryl told me she gets the best sleep she has ever had since she got hers. Another friend told me she can’t stand her CPAP. She’s tried several masks and none of them makes her feel comfortable. She told me her sleep has been worse than before the CPAP.

Which person would I be? The one who got the best sleep or the one who couldn’t stand the mask? I began to dread getting my CPAP. The more stories I heard, the more I hated the idea of a mask over my face at night.

When I told my psychiatrist I had sleep apnea, he said I will probably be able to get off my sleeping medication once I got used to it. He assured me I would be able to sleep much better. I’ve been on sleeping medication for years. It would be great to get off of them, but I still had my doubts about sleeping with something on my face.

After a month of worrying about the machine, I finally got a call for an appointment. The day of my appointment the GPS took us to a neighborhood a few miles away from the actual destination. I had to call to get directions and we ended up fifteen minutes late. The appointment seemed easy. The technician showed me two masks and I chose one. She fitted it to my head. She explained the machine and had me sit for a few minutes with the mask on and the machine turned on. It seemed simple enough.

My first night I struggled. The sound of air leaking out of the mask kept me playing with the mask to adjust it. Each time I got up to go to the bathroom I removed my mask, and it only became more uncomfortable to put it back on. So, I tried to just unhook the hose, but this long hose protruded from my nose like a creature’s tentacle reaching out to suck the oxygen from me. I awoke in the morning more tired than before.

The second night I slept off and on as I adjusted my mask to stop the leakage and to stare at the creature’s tentacle hanging from my nose. I shivered at the tentacle; it threatened me and caused my insides to twist. My husband asked me if I had it on correctly since he could hear it. By seven a.m. I couldn’t take it anymore and took the mask off. I didn’t need to get up until nine but there was no use lying in bed when I couldn’t sleep anyway. I got up and ate breakfast and rested on the couch. I drifted off to sleep. Then my alarm sounded to remind me to catch the bus, and I scrambled to get to work. At work I yawned and pushed my way through while fighting exhaustion.

Sleeping with the CPAP already seemed like a nightmare.  How could I continue with this darn machine? Will I ever be able to get off sleeping medication? So far it seemed like I was in a horror story. The hose protruding from my nose haunted me, it leaked air and my anxiety began to heighten. I got an email from an App for my CPAP machine suggesting I tighten my mask to stop the leakage.

The following night I tightened the mask. The leakage stopped, but the rubber around the nose piece touched my nostrils when I breathed. It was like the tentacle hanging from the front of my mask was reaching up my nose to suffocate me. I tried to adjust the mask, taking it off and putting it on several times, but the anxiety and feeling of suffocating worsened. I struggled with it all night and by morning I couldn’t even stand to look at it. I put it on the nightstand and went downstairs.

I texted Cheryl, “I can’t stand my CPAP.”

I explained to her the feeling of suffocation. She told me to call the technician to see if I could try another mask. The problem was it was Sunday and there was no way I was going to put the mask on again for another night. I lay down on the couch and slept until my husband came home. A little bit after he got home, I went to work.

I stood behind my register at the grocery store anxious and exhausted. My insides shivered and twisted. Tears threatened to pour from my eyes, but I fought to control them. I waited on customers while trying to force a smile. I swallowed hard as the swell of tears grew. I shut off my light and told the coordinator I was going to the rest room. I sat in a stall bawling and texting my husband in between tears. He told me to tell them I needed to go home and he was coming to get me. By the time I left the store my anxiety was out of control. When my husband pulled up, I got in and continued to cry as I became nauseated. I gagged and got sick on myself. At home Lou led me to the couch and I slept for several hours.

The next morning, I felt very weak and ran down. I called off work and I called the technician. She had no available appointments until Friday. There was no way I was going to wear that mask until then. I slept without it. On Friday she fitted me with a new nose mask that formed like a tent over my nose and the hose attached to the top of the mask on my head.

That night I sat on my couch with the mask on and the CPAP running for a half hour, and I made it through. No anxiety. I still worried about sleeping in it. So, when I went to bed later, I struggled with some anxiety that kept me awake for a little bit. I kept talking to myself, telling myself I was safe, and I could sleep. I eventually fell asleep and slept throughout the night. I had no anxiety the next morning.

I’m still adjusting to the CPAP and its mask, but I know I’m on the right path. I’m holding on tight to the hope to eventually get off sleep medication and to feel rested every morning. The tales of the CPAP will continue. For now, I stand in the light of recovery adjusting to a new challenge.

THE IMPORTANCE OF STOPPING MEDICATION PROPERLY

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Medication for mental illness regulates the chemicals in the brain to control many symptoms of the sickness. The medicine is very powerful and must be regulated by a doctor or psychiatrist. Sometimes psychiatrists or doctors improperly take patients off medications, causing the return of symptoms and withdrawal. Some struggling with the illness become frustrated with their medicine. They might not feel the relief they need or suffer with side effects. In this case they might take themselves off their medication cold turkey. This is dangerous. Medication should be stopped properly to avoid serious complications.

In Darvin Hege’s MD PC blog post “Abruptly Stopping Psychiatric Meds” he states, “The decision to stop taking psych meds without benefit of mental health or psychiatric planned medication reduction or change can be dangerous, even life threatening. Withdrawal can bring distressing reactions including potentially fatal seizures with unmonitored stoppage of psych meds.” 

When I was newly married to my husband Lou, we flew to Georgia to spend a week with his aunt and uncle. His uncle was a psychologist. He noticed my hands were shaking a lot. He sat me down and went into psychologist mode. He asked me questions about my illness and medications. I told him what antidepressants I was on and how long I had been taking them.

“I believe you have been on your antidepressants for too long and they are starting to cause a side effect, the shaking,” he said.

When I returned home, I told my psychiatrist. He decided to send me for tests to make sure it wasn’t anything neurological. I went through several tests. Doctors told me the different illnesses that could cause the shaking, but all the tests came back good. When my psychiatrist received the test results, he decided to take me off all my medication. Immediately I started feeling hot and sweaty. No matter what I did I couldn’t cool myself down. My stomach twisted into knots and just the sight of food made me nauseated. I stopped sleeping. I sat up all night long wishing I could just sleep.

I began having problems concentrating at my job and I made a mistake that resulted in me getting suspended. This devastated me. I cried easily, and my depression hit me so hard that I was thrown to the bottom of the hole. My body began to shake so bad I could barely stand. I felt sicker than I had ever felt. I couldn’t keep food down and became very weak. Lou took me to the Emergency Room, and they gave me an IV of fluids. It was worse than the flu. Lou called his uncle and told him what was going on. His uncle asked to talk to me. I told him how I felt, and he automatically knew I was going through withdrawal.

His uncle told me, “Your psychiatrist should have never taken you off your medicine all at once. He should have carefully lowered the dose until you were weaned off it and then slowly started you on new antidepressants.”

A friend told me about a psychiatrist a family member of hers was going to and I started seeing him. The new psychiatrist started me on new medicine and when it didn’t work, he kept lowering the dose while slowly starting me on a new med. This process helped me get off an antidepressant without having withdrawal.

Medication for mental illness is not a joke. It isn’t something you, your psychiatrist or doctor should play around with. If your psychiatrist or doctor tells you to stop taking your medication without weaning you off, then it may be time to find a new one. When he or she takes you off improperly, they are playing games with your health. A good psychiatrist or doctor will take you off your meds by slowly decreasing the dosage until it’s safe for you to stop it. Always refuse to be taken off your medication improperly.

When your medication isn’t working or you’re having side effects that are making your ability to function impossible, don’t just top your meds. Call your psychiatrist or doctor and tell them about any side effects or that your medicine isn’t working. Let them take you off properly and decide what medication to put you on. Finding the right medication is a frustrating process, but one that should be handled by a professional, not you.

Your health and well-being are important. The best way to stay on the road to recovery is to know the importance of your medication and to allow the professionals to decide how to take you off it and when to start you on a new one. Part of recovery is taking care of yourself and handling your medicine properly.

I have a psychiatrist who knows his medications well, and with his help I bathe in the light of recovery.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Everyone has dreams for the future. We dream of finding our true love, of owning a bakery, writing a book, becoming a lawyer, and so on. Our dreams drive us to strive to make them come true, but sometimes when we struggle with mental illness, we feel like dreams are hopeless. We see our dark little world and suddenly the future seems like a road into more agony.

I have had several people who struggle with mental illness tell me, “Because of my mental illness I have to give up my dreams.” Or they say, “With my mental illness I can’t follow my dreams.”

I once thought this way. When I hit the bottom of my dark hole, I stopped writing. My father kept asking me when I was going to write a book. My excuse was because of my illness I’ll never be able to write a book. I thought my dream to publish a book could never come true. I stopped trying. I told myself it was hopeless. I thought of myself as a failure. I was just a worthless loser. I put my paper and pen down and sat in despair.

When I started on my path to recovery, I began writing again; I wrote short stories and essays. I had a few essays and a couple of humorous stories published. I even won a special award for a short humorous story, but I still believed I could not write a book. My parents asked me when I was going to write a book. My answer was, “I can’t; I can only write short stories.” I still could not believe in myself enough to strive to make my dream to publish a book come true. My dreams couldn’t come true. But I was wrong.

When I met my husband, I still struggled with bouts of depression and bad self-esteem. He changed my life. Every day he complimented me and encouraged me. He even agreed to go to couples’ counseling with me to learn how to handle my illness. With his help I strove to reach recovery. On that road towards the light, I attempted to write a book, but I gave up. Five years ago, I decided I was going to write and publish my memoir. I started writing, Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying.

I struggled with reliving powerful emotions and self-doubt. I told my husband several times, “I can’t write this. My writing sucks.” Continuously, he encouraged me to keep writing. He told me to follow my dream.

Each night, before he went to bed, he said, “You’re going to write tonight, right?”

I hugged him. “Yes, I’ll write tonight.”

When I came to bed he’d wake up and ask, “How many pages did you write?”

When I needed a break to handle the memories and heal the wounds of the past, he reminded me that I could not give up on my dream. At times the emotions of the abuse the younger me felt were so powerful I felt like I couldn’t go on. My husband reminded me of how far I had come and that I could not give up when I was so close to making my dream come true. I started to believe in myself, in my dream. With each chapter I wrote, my writing improved and my dream got closer.

When I got to chapter 20, I started daydreaming of holding my book in my hand and giving talks about bullying. By the time I finished my first draft, I was dreaming of my launch party. My dream of publishing a book was coming true. When my book was finally published, I couldn’t wait until my first box of books came in the mail. I checked my front porch each day, hoping they would arrive early. I was jumping for joy when they finally arrived. I can’t tell you how wonderful it felt to hold my dream that I once thought would never come true in my hand. I was floating among the stars.

2022 was the year I made my dream come true. The year I started my work as an advocate against bullying by giving talks about my experiences and the harm bullying does. I have spoken at libraries, a historical society, a girl scout troop, and at the YMCA. Now my dream is to speak at schools and I’m going to strive to make that come true.

Don’t give up dreams just because you have a mental illness. It may take you longer to achieve it and you will have to work towards recovery before you can reach it, but dreams can come true. Never give up or stop following your dreams. If you are really struggling with your illness, put your dreams aside until you get stronger. Once you have your illness under control, strive to make it come true. If I can do it, so can you.

Because I followed my dream and made it come true, I stand proud in the light of recovery.

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