Journaling has become an important part of my life and recovery process. It’s more than just putting words on paper. It’s away for me to express my feelings, to explore myself, and to better understand my emotions. It’s opening my soul and pouring out its secrets, deepest feelings, and strongest emotions. It’s a release of the pain inside me and the discovery of who I am.
I was hospitalized after my ex-boyfriend packed up my belongings while I was at work. He told me I had given up and he couldn’t help me anymore. I fell apart and put my hand through a window. I spent a few days at home with my parents until there was an opening in a mental health hospital. I felt hopeless, worthless, deeply depressed, and suicidal. When my friend came to visit me in the hospital, she brought me a journal and pens. She told me the journal would help me get through this difficult time. She was right.
I couldn’t talk about what I was feeling. I didn’t understand the powerful emotions that filled me. I didn’t even know who I was at that point in my life. All I knew was the pain inside me was unbearable. The only way I knew how to release my pain was to self-injure. In the hospital I couldn’t have a razor to shave my legs or shoelaces in my shoes. I saw the journal as a way to make sense of what was happening to me and to release my feelings and emotions.
In the hospital I filled page after page of how I felt about what my ex-boyfriend had done to me, my feelings, and anguish. With each word I wrote I felt the heavy weight of my mental illness lighten. After I left the hospital, my journal became my lifeline. I took it with me everywhere I went. I journaled while waiting for the doctor, between customers at work, on my break, and during any free time I had. Everything I held sacred and everything pent up inside me came out in the pages of my journal.
My therapist used journaling as part of my therapy. In a separate journal I wrote about things I was struggling with. Then during my sessions, my therapist and I discussed what I had written. She helped me find ways to cope with my struggles. Journaling became more than just a private place for me to express myself without judgment; it became a way to communicate with my therapist. I couldn’t tell her what I was feeling or what my fears and thoughts were, so I wrote them down. She used what I wrote to teach me coping techniques and to work through the things I struggled with. I still use journaling in therapy.
There is power in putting my feelings down on paper. It gives me the power to express myself openly without judgment. It gives me the power to work through my feelings and understand my emotions. It gives me the power to explore myself and my identity. It gives me a powerful voice to speak out to my therapist when I cannot do it vocally. It gives me the power to stay in recovery.
I don’t carry my journal everywhere with me anymore, but I still journal. I use it on my tough days when I’m struggling with powerful emotions and feelings. It helps me identify what my emotions are and to release my feelings. It is part of my coping techniques. I can’t get through the bad days without writing about them. Now I try to find something good about the bad days and I write them down in my journal.
You don’t have to be good at spelling or writing to journal. What you put in your journal is private. It helps to put your feelings down and to release your soul of its pain. There is power in putting your feelings down on paper. It gives you the power to take the journey toward recovery, the power to discover yourself, and the power to release your feelings. When you can’t talk about your feelings, write them down. Don’t let them rip you up inside; release them.
I will always use my journal to help me during the bad days of my mental illness. Journaling helps me stand in the light of recovery.
