Tag: Illness

FINDING PURPOSE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

I’ve been so deep down the hole of darkness and inner agony that I thought the light would never shine again. I cried tears of torment, tears that dripped down my cheeks and hurt like bee stings to the soul. I’ve been stomped down by words, whipped by prejudice, scared by illness, and torn apart by loss. Yet I have always found a way to pull myself up to the light.

What is it that makes us strong enough to weather the torrential rains of life? What pulls us up when we’re lying at the darkest depths of our illness? What makes us strong when we feel weak? How do we stand up when everything seems to be pushing us down?

How often have you wondered if the light would ever shine for you? Have you lost hope that it would? I once lost hope and felt my life was just a dark endless pit of pain. I have lain down at the bottom of my hole and curled up in a ball, begging the Heavenly Father to end my life. When he wouldn’t, I took it on myself to find a way to die, but something wouldn’t let me go. Was it God or my own willpower hidden within my pain? I believe it was both.

There is always a reason for our existence even when we can’t see it. Finding that reason may seem impossible and we might have our eyes closed when pain rears its head, but it’s there. God has a purpose for each one of us. To fulfill our purpose, we must dig deep into our souls, down to the pit of our very being to find willpower, strength, and determination to fight the darkness. To pursue our desire to climb out of the darkness and find our purpose we must fight that awful demon called mental illness. We must take it root by root and use it to pull ourselves up.

I did it. I climbed out of that dark hole, pulling myself up by its roots while setting each root on fire on my way up. I slipped a couple of times, falling back down and lying in my tears and agony for a moment. Then I began my climb to the top again. Once at the top, I searched long and hard for my God-given purpose. I looked hard for it until I realized it was staring at me.

While in the darkness, I gave up on my writing and my dream to publish a book. I thought I was only meant to write short stories for a while. Then one day I found my purpose and realized my writing was my reason for all my suffering. My writing was God’s reason for standing beside me in my darkest days. He knew I could help many with words written in a book, in this blog, and in speeches. I suffered to help and to educate others. My purpose is also to help young people through One Life Project.

Are you sitting at the bottom of your dark hole feeling there is no reason for your existence? If so, dig deep inside yourself for your hidden strength and determination and start climbing towards the light. Are you in the light but have not found your purpose? Sit still, close your eyes, and concentrate. Think about the things you can do, the life you have led, and open your eyes. Then look hard and you’ll find your purpose.

Your struggles and pain are not for nothing. There’s meaning in them. They help you grow and become stronger. They lead you to your reason for living. We struggle so we can stand up tall and do God’s will.

I still tumble into my illness, and at times I stand at the edge of that hole, but I hold on tight to my reason for living and God’s purpose for me. God reaches down to hold me up in the light of recovery.

WHY I CAN’T CONTINUE TO WRITE MY NEXT MEMOIR

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Life has been especially hard recently. There have been boulders thrown in my way, and I have had to find a way to climb over them or fall down the hole again. Throughout my life there have been a lot of boulders thrown in my path: boulders I had to climb over and ones that left me falling into that dark hole of depression. It took time to climb out of the hole of depression and lots of hard work. I don’t ever want to fall in again. To prevent falling, I must take care of myself daily and especially in hard times.

Since my husband was diagnosed with his illness, I have been unable to work on my next memoir. I can write my blog posts and speeches, but I can’t write my new memoir. My followers and fans keep asking when I will have the next book done, and all I can say is I have to take care of personal business right now. I wanted to get this memoir done in less than four years. My goal was two years, but now I don’t know when I can start writing again.

My husband is independent for the most part, but he needs help with some things. His biggest problem is trying to accept his illness and adjust to his new lifestyle. He lost his driver’s license and his ability to work. He is stuck at home while I am at work. I go out of my way to help him and make things better for him. I assist him with the things he has a hard time with, I take him for rides after I get out of work, and I try to plan things to do on our days off that will get him out of the house. I know eventually he will get worse, and things will get harder, and that scares me, makes me sad, and angry and I feel lost.

A lot of emotions are running through me. I joined an online support group for his illness, but reading the posts scares me even more. I’m trying to wrap my mind around his illness. Everyone tells me I must prepare myself for what is to come, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to think of my husband getting that bad. He’s the love of my life and it’s unfair that he must go through this.

When I go to write my next memoir, the emotions I’m feeling now are mixed up with the past. To write my new memoir I have to relive painful memories. To do that I have to be emotionally strong enough to handle it. Right now, I don’t feel strong enough to add another layer of pain and emotions onto the ones I’m dealing with. I’m not strong enough for two layers of emotions and pain. I can’t work through the past when I’m struggling with the present.

I start seeing a therapist on the July 30. I get four free sessions through my job before my insurance takes over. The cost of co-pays and my deductible will determine how long I can afford to continue with therapy. If anything, I’m hoping the therapist will teach me a few coping techniques that will guide me through handling my husband’s illness. If I can’t afford to continue with therapy with her, I’m hoping she can suggest other alternatives.

I’m also trying coping techniques I’ve already learned to help me deal with what is happening. I need to find a way to get through my emotions so I can write in my memoir again. I’m journaling, I’m leaning on my support team, and I’m practicing self-care.

Taking these steps to deal with my emotions and working towards being able to write in my memoir again helps me stay in the light of recovery.

MENTAL HEALTH COMES FIRST

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

When I started my second book a year ago, my writers group told me the second book would be easier to write, and I would finish it sooner because now I know how to write a book. What no one could have predicted was life taking me down many bumpy roads. When I think things are going smoother, a big pothole forms and I must find my way around it. Luckily, I have lots of coping skills that help me stay above the potholes.

The road of life first started getting bumpy when my husband’s job started remodeling, and my husband got laid off. It went downhill from there. The potholes and bumps started getting bigger. He returned to work and put his back out of place, missing work. Then there were other health problems. Then he lost his job of thirty-four years. After that the potholes got deeper, and the bumps grew higher. I struggled to swerve around and climb over them. Writing my book started to trail behind me.

Then my dad got pneumonia and came very close to dying. At the same time my sister struggled with her vision. My sister needed someone to assist her in getting help. I took it upon myself to get her into a retina research doctor. My husband and I travel forty-five minutes to pick her up and then back again to take her to the doctor. Sometimes she spends the night at our house, which I enjoy.

I have been working hard to assist her in getting the help she needs. Since she lives in another state than the retina doctor we have to find her the specialist and tests the retina doctor, recommends in her state, so her insurance will pay. This has been a headache. I am trying to do my best to help her but the bumps in the road keep getting higher.

My husband got an illness that gave him no choice but to retire. He can no longer drive. I’m trying to be very supportive and comforting. He has been struggling to accept his diagnosis and accept having his freedom taken away from him. I’ve been trying to help him find a hobby and I give him things he can do while I’m at work. I take him for rides after work to get him out of the house. His illness has been very tough on him and hard on me. I’m climbing the bumps and swerving around the potholes the best I can.

Even though my dad has gotten better, he’s been struggling with bone cancer and chemo. April 9 he was admitted into Cleveland Clinic for a procedure that will hopefully put him into deep remission. He came home a week ago, but he is still recovering. He is weak and has some side effects from the procedure. The doctor says he will improve each day. I’m trying not to worry too much and be supportive. The potholes dare me to fall in, but I veer around them.

All these bumps in the road caused the potholes to only get deeper. I teetered on the edge coming close to falling in. My emotions have been strong, and I record them in my journal. The problem is my writing was left back down the road, always stuck in a rut. I can pour out my thoughts in these blog posts, but I can’t go back to reliving the pain of the past to write my book.

My second memoir, like my first, involves writing about some deep emotions and about very painful times in my life. It’s very hard to write about this when I’m climbing over the bumps and working to avoid the potholes in my present life. I can’t risk falling into the holes by adding the pain of the past with the bumpy roads of the present. So, I have not been working on my book. I’ve taken it out of the rut, and I’m allowing it to sit beside the road until things get better or when I feel like I can handle working on it again. Right now, my focus is on my family and taking care of my mental health. I will finish my book, but it must be when I’m sure I can handle reliving the past. Falling down a hole of any type is not an option. I can’t go in that direction again.

Life always has bumpy roads and big potholes, but you are strong. You can make it over the bumps and around the potholes. When things get tough, remember to use your coping techniques and make sure your mental health takes priority. If you have to leave things lingering on the side of the road while you’re avoiding the potholes, that’s okay. Your mental illness must come first.

Despite everything going on in my life, I have been using coping techniques I have learned, and I think I’m doing well. I’m very proud of how well I am handling everything. Coping helps me stand above the potholes and in the light of recovery.

THROWN FOR A LOOP

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Sometimes life throws us the unexpected, and we find ourselves overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. We try to wrap our minds around the situation: a sudden death, an unexpected illness, or something bad happening to a loved one. The unexpected throws us for a loop, and we are left asking how to cope? How do we process these emotions? What do we do next?

My husband has been my rock. He went to therapy with me while we were dating to learn how to manage my mental illness, and he handles it well. He’s taken care of me during many surgeries. He has emptied drains, changed bandages, emptied a potty chair, lifted me up to a walker, and pushed me in a wheelchair without any complaints. He even cried with me when I found out I had breast cancer. He’s sat in the waiting room for hours during my surgeries and tests. He comforted me when I grieved the loss of my breasts and cried because I got an infection in a surgery site. He has held me during emotional break downs when I have had bad days with my mental illness and continuously reminds me to be positive.

This Wednesday we found out Lou has a serious illness (he asked me not to tell what the illness is) that will get worse in time. We sat in the doctor’s office while he gave us results of a test Lou went through. Lou sat quietly with a sad look on his face and my heart broke. There is no cure. The doctor talked and I struggled to fight my tears. I tried to think of questions to ask. I managed to ask a few, but I felt like I needed to ask more, but my mind went blank. Lou sat in shock, unable to speak at all.

Our lives are about to change dramatically, especially Lou’s. He must give up his hope to find a job and his ability to drive. He is faced with a disease that will only get worse in time. I can’t imagine what it is like for him. I understand a little bit. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was shocked, sad, and overwhelmed. I thought I was going to lose my hair and get extremely sick and die. Luckily I was in the early stages and a surgery got rid of my cancer. For Lou there is no surgery to take away his illness. There’s medication that can slow it down, but nothing to take it away.

He is feeling devastated, sad, and angry. He feels like his life is over. I find myself in a new position. I must be strong for him. There is no time for me to fall apart. Lou needs to lean on me, and he needs me to help him through this. I have to schedule his appointments, I have to make plans for future care for him, and I have to make sure I get time off work for his appointments. I have to do what is needed to protect my job in case I have to call off to take care of him. There is so much to do and to prepare for.

I want to lie in bed for a day and just cry, but I can’t. My husband needs me. Lou filed for early retirement, but our plans were for him to work part time to help with finances and to get him out of the house. Now he’s not going to be able to work at all. With my paycheck and his early retirement, we won’t have enough money to pay all our bills. I’m looking into financial assistance and ways to reduce some of our bills. I’m overwhelmed.

I feel sad. I wanted my husband to enjoy his retirement and work a part time job he would love. I can’t believe the love of my life, my rock, and my soulmate has to go through such a horrible sickness. It’s unfair. He deserves better. Am I strong enough to help him through this? Will I be able to manage his illness? Should I go back to therapy? When he gets really bad, will I be able to handle it without falling apart? I’m not used to being a caregiver. Can I do it?

I keep hearing the horrible things that can happen with his illness. I’m told in time I will have my hands full. Even TV shows portray the worst side of Lou’s illness. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and no matter what happens I will be able to handle it. I don’t want to think about the worst side of this illness, not now. I want someone to hold me and tell me to go ahead and let the tears flow. I need a few minutes to stop being strong. I want this to be just a bad dream.

If this happened several years ago, I would not have been able to be strong. I would have fallen apart and not been able to be there for my husband. I have come a long way. I know that I need to take one day at a time. I need to practice coping techniques to keep myself going. I need to lean on my support system. I need to go to therapy when things get harder. I need to practice self-care. It’s important to handle my mental health and to take care of myself as I take care of Lou. It’s important that I look into extra help options early so I will be prepared for when things get worse.

When you reach recovery from mental illness, it’s important to always manage your illness especially during the rough times. You can manage the unexpected as long as you remember to take care of yourself also. Don’t be afraid to go to therapy for extra support or to join support groups. Even though you must be strong, you are allowed time to fall apart as long as you pick yourself up.

My life is changing dramatically, but despite my mental illness I know I can handle it. I know when and how to ask for help. I’m taking one day at a time while I lean on the shoulders of my support team in the light of recovery.