Tag: Suicide

SUICIDE AND SELF-INJURY

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Many people don’t understand self-injury or even know anything about it. Many who hurt themselves do so in private and then they hide their injuries from others. It’s hard to understand why people would harm themselves on purpose. It is a misunderstood coping technique. Many people mistake self-injury for a suicide attempt, but it is not. However, suicide is still a risk factor.

Even though those who harm themselves do not injure to take their lives, that doesn’t mean they are not at risk. People who injure are sick and in pain. They have a mental illness, and with mental illness comes the risk of suicide. It’s important to take self-injury seriously. Don’t think it’s a way to get attention, don’t ignore the person, and make a joke about it. Look at it as if the person is suffering and needs help.

When I was self-injuring, I didn’t hurt myself to take my life. The physical pain released my inner pain. I felt so many overwhelming emotions that tore me apart inside. I was in agony. The only thing that eased that pain was hurting myself. Even though hurting myself wasn’t an attempt at suicide, I was suicidal. I suffered with depression, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety. My thoughts raced, I felt hopeless, I thought I was worthless, and I thought I was hurting my family by living.

When I was in college, I wrote a suicide note and planned my death. I thought of ways to take my life. One time I took a bottle of pills and got sick. I lived with my grandparents while I was in college, and my grandma thought I had the flu. I wanted to die because I was very sick. My mind was plagued with an awful illness that distorted my thinking.

No one injures themselves just for attention or for fun. They harm themselves because they have an illness that causes them a lot of emotional pain and suffering. It’s not a game or a joke. Every person who hurts themselves on purpose is suffering from some type of sickness and needs help. If they are hurting themselves, they are also at risk of being or becoming suicidal. So don’t walk away or laugh at them. Take it seriously.

The person might not be thinking about suicide when they are injuring. Self-harming releases endorphins that make the person feel better. The person could just be coping with his or her pain, but he or she is also struggling with a mental illness and can become suicidal at some point. By not ignoring self-injury you maybe saving a person from committing suicide in the future.

If a person shows you his or her injuries or you happen to see them, ask him or her if they would like to talk about it. Be willing to listen without judging. Encourage the person to get help. Tell someone who can help him or her. Don’t minimize the person’s feelings or pain. Look for the phone number for crisis or a helpline.

It took a while before I admitted to my mom I was self-injuring and that I was sick. When I told her, she went to great lengths to get me help. Because of my mom’s determination to get me help, I have not hurt myself in twenty-three years and I am alive. I stand in the light of recovery because I got help.

LETTER TO SUICIDAL SELF

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Dear Sick Aimee,

I remember when you were so sick that you felt life was hopeless. You thought there was no end to the sadness, the inner anguish, the crying spells, the sleepless nights, and the overpowering emotions. You thought the only way to stop it was to take your life. You planned it and you tried but never succeeded. You thought your family and friends would be better without you, but you were wrong.

     I want to thank you for never taking your own life and for your failed plans. If you had committed suicide, you would have missed out on watching your nieces and nephews grow up. Taking them to do fun things, spoiling them, and sharing memories with them. They would never have gotten to know their favorite aunt if you were gone. They would have only heard stories about you. By living you have instead given them love, courage, and many wonderful memories. Since you lived you have been blessed with two great nieces and a great nephew. On Friday you watched your oldest niece get married. It was a wonderful wedding. Your nieces and nephews have been one of the greatest blessings in your life.

     Remember when you wrote out what you wanted to go on your grave, “A lonely soul who couldn’t go on.” Good thing you never had to use it. If you had died, you would have never met the love of your life. On the first date he drew you in with a promise to treat you like a woman, to protect you, and to never hurt you. He swept you away. You couldn’t stop seeing him. He even rode his bike thirty miles to see you. Within just six months of dating, he proposed, and you knew your souls would be one forever.

     What a beautiful wedding it was! You could have missed the best day of your life. The day you said “I do” to the most wonderful man you ever met. The day you pledged your heart and soul to him forever with tears in your eyes. Now you have spent fourteen years of marriage creating memories, sharing your love, standing side by side in ups and downs, and falling more in love each day. You can see the love in his eyes, in the things he does, and how he takes care of you. Wouldn’t it have been so sad if you had missed that?

     Remember when you took a bunch of pills and somehow drove to college in a snowstorm and back without remembering how. God took the wheel for a reason. He drove you to class and back because he had plans for you. Because God kept you alive, you have fought hard and reached recovery. In this blog you write about what you learned in therapy and your journey to recovery. Many have told you how much your posts have helped them. You would have never been able to do that if you took your life. You have written a memoir that will help many when it’s published. Because you are alive, you will soon see your first book published.

     You touch many lives as a cashier. Customers stand in long lines to see you and pray for you as you face health problems and rise above them. Many call you an inspiration because no matter how far down you fall, you always pull yourself up. You have many friends who you’ve touched in many ways. Friends who you call sis, ones who turn to you in a time of need, friends who support you, friends who stand at your side no matter what, and friends who have helped you grow as a writer. What if you missed out on all this? How sad would that have been?

     One time you thought none of this was possible. You thought you would be stuck in your internal hell forever. Look how wrong you were. Your life turned out wonderful because you didn’t succeed at suicide. How could you have ever wanted to miss out on such a wonderful life? You thought you would never feel happiness again and now you are very happy. Yes, you still have bad days, but you have coping techniques and a special support system to get you through. You have struggled with many health problems, but you have a wonderful husband who helped you through them. Your life isn’t perfect, but it is wonderful.

     Thank you, Aimee, for being alive and for pushing forward. You’ve had many challenges and rough times, but you have risen above them. If you were gone you would have never gotten a chance to rise above so much and to write about it. If you took your life, you would have never experienced true love, joy, and love of friends and family.

     Your life is beautiful. Thank you for living it. Thank you, God, for not letting Sick Aimee succeed at suicide. Suicide was never the right answer. I forgive you for being misguided and rejoice in the life you have lived because you never took your life. You stand in the light of recovery a strong, vibrant, and inspirational woman because you chose life.

     Thank you for being alive.

Sincerely,

Aimee standing in the beautiful light of recovery

REASONS WHY MY LIFE IS IMPORTANT

Published on by Aimee Eddy5 Comments

I started watching a Netflix series called 13 Reasons Why; it is about a young girl who was bullied at school and sexually harassed at school until she committed suicide. The series speaks to me because in some ways I was in the shoes of the girl the show is about. It goes through many reasons why she took her life, and it hits home with me. I wanted to die when I was being bullied. I daydreamed about something horrible happening to me, resulting in my death.

Life is hard and especially harder for others. Sometimes a series of things or just one thing happens to a person to make life seem impossible to live. Some may ask how anyone could even think about taking their life, and no one can truly know what is happening inside a person. You don’t know what can drive a person to suicide unless you have been at that breaking point, but that doesn’t make it right. It’s hard when you’re at that point to see any other way out of your inner anguish, but there is a way. There are many reasons to live and push forward.

I had many reasons why I wanted to die when I was in school: my classmates picked on me, some of my teachers put me down, my friends either moved away or turned their backs on me, I felt alone, I felt worthless, and I thought I was the ugly one in my family. In spite of that, there are reasons my life is important which I’m going to list:

  • My parents loved me for who I was no matter what. My parents loved everything about me. They didn’t care if I was a tomboy or that my room was messy. They saw me for the person I was, and they loved me for that. If I took my life they would have been devastated.
  • I had dreams to fulfill. I dreamed of becoming a published author. I wrote many short stories and entered them into contests. I didn’t know that I would publish my own memoir that would help many, but I would have never found that out if I had ended my life.
  • I was smart and had a lot to accomplish. Despite my learning disability, I was an intelligent person. I just had to work harder to succeed at school. Once I found out that I was intelligent, I made the merit roll, honor roll, published stories, and made the National Honor Society. I would never have accomplished all that if I had taken my life.
  • I made a difference in people’s lives. Even though I felt alone, I was making a difference in people’s lives. I was friends with a girl whose home life was bad and I gave her someone to lean on. I became best friends with a girl who also was being bullied and we became inseparable. I even became close to her sisters and mother. My parents and grandparents’ lives were beautiful with me in it. If I died, they would all have been hurt and very sad.
  • I had a bright future ahead of me. At that time to me my future seemed dim, but it was bright. I proved I could accomplish a lot despite a learning disability, and my future was waiting for me. I had plans for college and dreams to become a published author. I had several acceptance letters to colleges. Now I am a published author, I have a college degree, I’ve worked the same job for twenty-nine years, I work for a nonprofit helping others with mental illness, and I would have never accomplished all this if I weren’t alive.
  • My life story could help people. In high school I wrote fictional stories based on the bullying I faced. I was determined to prove myself and that helped me accomplish a lot. I was an example that anyone could succeed. As an adult I have overcome bullying, a learning disability, mental illness, and relationship abuse and many see me as an inspiration. I tell my story in this blog and in my memoir and it helps people. If I had died, I would have never been able to tell my story to the world.

If you are feeling suicidal, write out a list of why your life is important, and dig deep inside you to find those reasons. Ask people in your life why you are important to them. You’ll find that your life is worth living. There are a lot of reasons to be on this earth living your life and fighting for happiness. Instead of coming up with 13 reasons why you should end your life, come up with 13 reasons why you should live your life.

Because I never succeeded at taking my life I live a beautiful life with a wonderful husband, lots of memories, a good job, and lots of happiness. I stand tall in the light of recovery glad to be alive.

I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING SOMEONE DIE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Today seemed like a normal day, but it wasn’t. A man stood inches from me, his eyes rolled back, his body unable to move, and his legs buckling. I called for help. Help came and they moved him into a chair, but suddenly his face went white, and someone said he was not breathing. They moved him to the floor and started CPR. He lay still with all the life drawn from his face. My hands shook and I silently asked God, “Please don’t let him die.” He looked like he had already died. I thought he was gone. I thought I was watching a man die today.

When I looked at the man lying nearly lifeless on the floor, I thought about how precious life is and how fleeting it is. It’s easy to give up on living when depression clouds the mind. It’s hard to think straight, to see past the deep darkness inside, and to see that your life is special. I know because I was there at the breaking edge, ready to throw away the life God gave me because I couldn’t see past my inner agony. I thought everyone’s life would be better without me in it, I thought there was no way out of my darkness, and I thought I was doomed to a life of agonizing inner pain.

I took a bottle of pills. I felt dizzy and sick. Some how I drove to college and back in a snowstorm. I had no idea how. I didn’t even remember driving. I just knew I got there and back. It took me years to realize God was at the wheel of my car that night. It was then that I realized how important my life is and how foolish it was of me to try and end it.

I thought about how important that guy’s life was as I watched a woman breathe air into the guy who lay so lifeless. I felt my body tremble and my heart race as I watched them struggle to save a stranger’s life. If I had gotten into an accident after taking those pills, how many people would have struggled to save my life? How would they feel watching the life drain from me? Would they have been traumatized? What if my grandparents had found me dead from taking all those pills? Would they have been crying endlessly? Trying whatever they could to save me? Would their hearts be torn from their chests and their tears be endless? Would they be traumatized for life? How would they have told my parents that their daughter  had committed suicide in their home?

I saw the man’s eyes open. The people talked to him while paramedics put oxygen on him. They loaded him on a stretcher and took him away. I went on with my day wondering if he lived or died. Then I thought about how if I had succeeded at taking my life how many strangers who tried to save my life would be left disheartened and broken.  I thought about how many of my own family members’ lives would have been ruined because I took away what God gave me. In that moment I thanked God for my precious life and for allowing me to live when I wanted to die.

Later that day I heard the man I saw nearly die in front of me was seen out and about. He lived. I thought I was watching him die, yet God choose for him to live. Just like he chose for me to live the day I went to college in a snowstorm after taking a bottle of pills. God had a purpose for that man to survive just like he had a reason for me to live. If I had died, I would have never gotten to see my nieces and nephews grow up and some of them have children of their own. I would have never fallen in love with the man of my dreams and created many wonderful memories with him. I would have never written my book to help others with bullying. I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I wouldn’t have been able to help my siblings surprise my parents with a fiftieth anniversary party. There is so much more I would have missed out on if I had taken my life.

I thought I was watching a man die today, but he lived. It was a reminder of how precious life is and how important it is to fight for it. Live for the future that awaits you. Live for a chance to reach recovery. Live to make your dreams come true. Live to watch your family members grow and change. Live to create beautiful memories. Put those pills away, put that knife down, and put that gun aside. Look beyond your pain and see how precious your life is. God gave you life for a purpose; live so you can find the purpose.

This scary experience woke me up and reminded me why God chose for me to live so many years ago. God gives us little reminders of how important we are to him. His reminder shook me up pretty good but showed me how special life is. I live to fulfill God’s purpose and I fight my illness to stand in the light of recovery.

REASONS TO LIVE

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

You’re in the darkest deepest part of your hole of depression. You feel helpless, hopeless, useless, and worthless. You see your existence as a burden to your family and friends, and you just can’t stand living in so much pain anymore. It seems like your life is useless and there is no way out of that dark hole except to take your life. You keep asking yourself “why am I alive? What good am I to anyone?” The truth is, even though you might be unable to see it right now, there are many reasons to live.

You might say, “What does she know? She’s in recovery and she’s happy.”

I was once in your place. I had planned my suicide and attempted several times. In recovery I did find that there are many reasons to live. Some who attempt suicide or plan it don’t live to figure out why they should continue. So, I’m here to tell you, “STOP and read this.” Maybe this will change your mind.

Here are some reasons for living:

  • Happiness and recovery are possible. It may not seem like it right now, but you can learn to control and cope with your depression. With hard work you can take control over your illness and find recovery and happiness.
  • You are important. You may think badly of yourself right now, and it’s hard to just love yourself, but with work you can learn to love and like yourself. You are not just a sad, lowly person on this earth. You are a special, unique person who has touched others’ lives without even knowing it. You are important and you deserve to live and know that your existence means something. If you die, you’ll never know how important you are to this world and to others.
  • You have a future. Your life isn’t destined to experience continuous pain. God has plans for your future. You can travel, you can work a successful job, you can find the love of your life, and you can have your own family. You’ll never get to see your future if you take your life. There is a promising future for you just waiting if you’re willing to fight for recovery and if you decide to live.
  • You can make your dreams come true. Have you dreamed of owning your own bakery? Have you always wanted to climb the highest mountain? Have you wanted to go to France, and much more? Dreams can come true if you’re willing to fight and work hard for them. No dream is too big to reach. Believe in your dream and make it happen.
  • For your family and friends. You may think your family and friends would be better off without you, but they won’t. If they find your body or hear that you took your own life, they will never get over that. You would leave them with unanswered questions, endless grief, self-blame, and agony. No matter how hard it is for them to see you so sad, it is much harder for them to weep over your body and stand at your grave wondering how they could have prevented losing you. Do you really want to put them through that?
  • For a chance at a new beginning. Life is rough right now, everything is falling apart and going wrong, but it doesn’t always have to be like that. Taking the steps to ask for help and start your journey to recovery is taking a road to a new beginning. When you do reach recovery, you can rebuild your life and start a new beginning. If you made mistakes in the past, you could put them behind you and start out fresh. Being able to fight your depression and reach recovery gives you a new perspective on life and a chance to live a better life.
  • For you. Decide to live for you because you’re not that deep sadness that is overtaking your existence. You are much more than your illness. You’re a loving, kind, and strong person who deserves a chance at life. God made you for a reason. He doesn’t make mistakes. You are a good reason to choose living. You are a special person who deserves a chance to shine like the star you are. You should be the most important reason to live for. Stop planning to die and choose to live for yourself.

When you start thinking about suicide, think about the reasons you should live. Write them down on a piece of paper or in a journal. Hang them up on a mirror or near your bed. Each time you think you’re better off dead, read over the reasons you should live and decide to fight. When you think you can’t go on anymore, read those reasons. Keep reading them and pushing towards recovery. You can climb up out of the darkness of the hole and stand in the light of recovery. Choose life.

Several years ago, I thought my life wasn’t worth living. In time I chose to live and to fight for recovery. Now I live a wonderful life. I still cope with my illness, but I stand as a survivor of suicide and a stronger person in the light of recovery.