What is success? I once thought success was getting the highest grades in school and making honor roll. I also thought it meant going to a four-year college and obtaining a high paying job. I dreamed of becoming a famous author, buying a fancy house, and owning an expensive car. I told myself if I could do those things, I would be successful. As I struggled with mental illness, my definition of success changed.
In high school I studied for long hours and gave up fun to obtain high grades. When I made the merit roll, it wasn’t good enough for me. I was determined that I would be successful if I made the honor roll. At the end of the school year, I felt like a failure when I didn’t receive a lot of awards for the hard work I had done. I wanted to show my classmates and teachers that they were wrong about me.
I did make the honor roll, the honor society, and I had a hidden hero speech given about me when I graduated from high school. I was successful. I had big plans for my life. I would go to a two-year college and then a four-year college. I would graduate with honors and get a job at a major newspaper as a journalist. Then I would live a successful life.
Mental illness changed that.
In college just getting out of bed became a struggle, but I forced myself to do it. Going to class when I was fatigued and sick with anxiety was a challenge, but I did it. Getting good grades in college while I was depressed, suicidal, and self-injuring was a battle, but I did it. I didn’t realize it back then, but now that I think of it, I was successful. I chose to push forward when I had little strength to do it, and that was success.
I had to take a year off from college to work on my mental health. I started therapy and I began to see a psychiatrist. I was determined to get well enough to return to college in a year. I worked hard in therapy, I started making new friends at work, and in time I reached recovery. I returned to college on a part-time basis. I could have given up on college and lay in bed dwelling in my inner anguish, but I refused to do that. I made taking time off from college a successful adventure.
Three years after I graduated from college, I fell down that dark hole again. I soon learned that success wasn’t just big accomplishments; it was the small things I did to keep myself going and to battle the depression. Success was when I turned to a program through work to help me find a therapist, it was deciding to get out of bed each day, it was forcing myself to go to work, it was taking a shower when I had no energy to take one, it was taking my medication, and learning how to cope with my illness.
Success came when I sat in a mental health hospital and made the decision, I would work towards recovery no matter how hard it would be. It was a tough battle to fight my negative thoughts, to learn a new way of thinking, to find the right medication to stabilize the symptoms of my illness, and to learn coping techniques. I wanted to give up many times. I’d start climbing the walls of my dark hole, I’d be inches from the light, and I’d fall. Then I would keep forcing myself to climb that wall until I reached the light. That is success.
While in recovery, several surgeries and breast cancer threatened to push me down, but I coped and stood tall in the light. There are still days I struggle with my depression, but I work through it to stay above the hole. I make sure I take my medication and go to therapy sessions. I’m learning new coping techniques and turning to my support team when things get hard. I find strength when everything seems hopeless. I manage my illness each day and I find joy in my life. That is success.
What is your definition of success? Is it a well-paying job, expensive car, and a big home, or is it the small steps you take to work towards recovery and to stay in recovery? Did you get out of bed today after spending several days in bed? Would you consider that success? Did you struggle with challenges in your life, and you used coping techniques to get through them? Doesn’t that make you successful?
Success isn’t what money can buy or what prestige you achieve in society. It’s in the small steps you take to fight this awful illness. It’s in your determination to work towards getting better and staying better.
I’m not just successful because I published a book and won awards. I’m also successful because I decided to fight my mental illness to flourish in the light of recovery.
