Tag: anxiety

UNEXPECTED KINDNESS

Published on by Aimee Eddy1 Comment

When you are struggling with depression, everything looks awful and hopeless. You can’t see past the dark clouds of your illness. It seems like everything is going wrong and life is an endless hole of negativity. Seeing something good seems impossible. The truth is your illness blinds you to the good happening around you. When the world seems like a dark hole, unexpected kindness can come out of nowhere. Open your heart and look towards the light.

A lot has been happening in my life. As you know, my dad is undergoing chemo for bone cancer and it has sent me into a depression. On top of that, I have been struggling with my asthma and my husband put his back and hip out of place. Last summer I struggled with my asthma too. I go to the lung specialist on Wednesday. My husband started back to work full-time last week after being partially laid off all winter, and he had to miss two days because of his back. He’s improving and working, but still hurting. I hate seeing him in pain. Last week after paying our mortgage, we barely had enough money to make it through the week. We really need him to have a good paycheck. We just can’t seem to catch up. It feels like the world is against us.

I’m slowly working on coming to terms with my dad having cancer, but now I’m worrying about everything else. I’m also worried about my older sister who is struggling with health issues too. When I start worrying, I worry obsessively, and it gets me down and stirs up my anxiety. Everything seems hopeless right now.

Saturday, I walked down to the corner of my street and waited for the bus. When the bus arrived, one of my regular grocery store customers crossed the road.

He walked over to me. “Hold on a minute. I have something for you that I have been meaning to give you for a while.”

I motioned to the bus driver to wait.

My regular customer handed me something. “This is for your book.”

I put it in my pocket without looking at it and said, “Thank you,” and got on the bus.  After I sat, I reached in my pocket for the thing my customer had handed me. I pulled it out and stared at it for several minutes. He had given me a hundred dollars! Suddenly the sun seemed to shine brighter and my soul lifted. I just couldn’t believe a customer would just give me a hundred dollars.

This unexpected kindness made everything wrong in my life seem less overwhelming and horrible. My customer made my whole day better. When I got to work, I told several of my co-workers about it. They were very happy for me. For the rest of my day, all my worries disappeared, and I felt like I was dancing with the sun. The customer said the hundred dollars was for my book, but I used some of it for food for dinner. It was money we needed badly.

I can’t wait until my customer comes into the store. If he and his wife don’t already have my book, I plan on giving them one with a bookmark I woodburned and a pen that has “Stop Bullying” and my book title on it. If he has my book, I’m going to give him a thank you note, a pen, and a bookmark. He made my day shine and helped me look at life in a positive way. Everything that was going wrong didn’t seem as awful. God sent that customer to show me there is hope and goodness in the world.

When you’re struggling with depression, it’s so hard to see past the sadness and hopelessness, but try to look for the good in your life. God gives us people and things in our life to show us there is positivity in the world. When you least expect it, someone may show you unexpected kindness, small or big. The person you least expect may ask you how you are or tell you how good you look. A stranger may walk up to you and tell you how much he or she loves your smile or give you a hug. Unexpected kindness comes in many forms. God is looking out for you, and you just need to look for the ways he’s working in your life. Also reach out and do unexpected acts of kindness for others. It will lift your spirits to make others feel good. You don’t have to spend money to do something kind for others. Say something nice, give a hug, or offer to help someone out.

Because God sent my regular customer to bless me with unexpected kindness, I am standing closer to the light of recovery.

KEEPING FEARS IN CHECK

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Fears can be either realistic or unrealistic. If you’re afraid you are going to get hurt walking on a floor full of holes, that is realistic, but fear of things like heights is unrealistic. Standing at the top of a lighthouse with railings around you will not cause you harm. With mental illness, unrealistic fears are made bigger in the mind of the person struggling, causing anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. In order to ease anxiety, a person needs to find a way to keep those fears in check.

As you read in my last post, my dad has bone cancer and I’m struggling with it. My fears are causing me to have anxiety attacks and giving me the feeling that I’m losing control of my depression and emotions. It began with the fear that my dad would become very sick from the chemo, but so far he’s only had mild side effects. Then the fear grew bigger to thinking the longer he’s on chemo, the sicker he’ll get. The fears kept growing; my dad is suffering from fatigue from his treatments. What if he gets depressed and gives up? If he gives up, his health will decline. My dad’s immune system is gone because of the chemo; what if he catches an illness and ends up in the hospital? What if he dies of a sickness he gets instead of chemo?

The fears just keep growing and new ones sprout up. I feel my chest tighten and my throat aches like a fist of emotions are being pushed up through it. I cry, I feel sick, and I just want to lie in bed and hide from the world. Everything becomes overwhelming and just holding myself up seems like too much.

I allowed my fears to take control of me, and I haven’t been doing a good job at keeping my fears in check. I am reminding myself to go back to my first fear and evaluate it. Was my fear that my dad would get really sick from chemo realistic? That fear was based on horror stories I heard from others who had bad experiences with chemo. It wasn’t based on facts. Facts are everyone reacts differently to chemo, and there are different types and strengths of chemo. Everyone’s cancer journey and treatments are different. My dad has only had annoying minor effects. Now I look at my first fear and realize it wasn’t a realistic fear. It was more like something to be concerned about, but not something I needed to drive myself into an anxiety attack over.

I realize I need to take control of my fears and keep them in check. I need to acknowledge the realistic fears and unrealistic fears, and then work on stopping them from multiplying. My dad will never give up, he’s a strong man, and his cancer will go in remission, and he will live a long live. I tell myself don’t worry about him catching other illnesses. I can not control the future and worrying about it will only cause me to fall back down the hole.

I have other fears that bring on my anxiety. I worry about our finances, and this causes fears. I fear we won’t be able to pay our bills and will get ourselves so deep in debt that we’ll lose our home and have nothing. We’ll end up being homeless with all our belongings being sold to pay our bills. This fear grew in intensity while my husband was partially laid off over the winter. I looked at that fear and realized how unrealistic it was. Money has been tight, but with managing and arranging payments on bills, we’ve been able to make it through. We have gone to the food bank at our church to keep meals on the table. We still have our home, and our mortgage is always paid.

I have developed a process where I tell my friend and my husband my fears, and they reassure me that I have nothing to worry about. I’ve started journaling out my fears and then looking at them to see which ones are realistic and which ones are not. Most of my fears are unrealistic. I tear apart my unrealistic fears and find a way to think differently. Instead of “We’re having a hard time paying bills and we’re going to lose everything” I now think “We’ll pay what we can, and we’ll be fine.”

Keeping your fears in check is taking your fear and deciding if you have a real reason to be afraid or not. Then stop yourself before the fear grows out of control. It’s not easy to do. It’s a battle with the mind to take your fears under control and to keep them from sending you into an anxiety attack, panic attack or depression.

Say or write down your fear. Then think about the fear and say or write down the facts about the fear. For example: Fear: My dad is going to get depressed and give up. Facts: My dad may get discouraged, but he never gives up on anything. He has a strong faith that keeps him going. He has a loving family that will keep encouraging him. My dad is a very determined man. Looking at the facts shows me that my fear is unrealistic and helps me let go of that fear.

Look at your fears. Write them down and write out the facts. Are your fears realistic or unrealistic? If it’s unrealistic, then take steps to let it go. Doing this will help you keep your fears in check and prevent them from getting out of hand.

I’m working hard on keeping my fears under control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. In time my fears will take less control over me, and I will stand stronger in the light of recovery.

FACING A ROUGH TIME

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

Cancer has affected almost everyone’s life in some way or another, whether it be a friend, co-worker, family member, or your own journey. Cancer likes to rear its ugly head and leave a wound or scar on the soul. It’s hard to face going through your own cancer and then face it again with a loved one. When you have depression and anxiety, facing hardships like this can deepen your illness or send you down that dark hole again.

When my grandpa got prostate cancer many years ago, they said he’d die of natural causes before he’d die of cancer. The sad thing is the cancer spread throughout his body and he struggled to the end. I kept breaking down so much when I went to see him in the hospital that I couldn’t go see him anymore.

Then when I learned I had breast cancer, my thoughts went back to my grandpa and I thought I was also going to die a miserable death, but I didn’t. I’m still here, proud to be a survivor.

I prayed cancer would never affect our family again, but it has. After a week long vacation, my husband and I came home to the news that my dad has bone cancer. I put on a brave face on for my parents, but when I got home, I broke down. I cried in Lou’s arms. Then in the days after the announcement, I went from okay to falling apart. It became a matter of waiting to see when they would start chemo and the next steps. I didn’t have to go through chemo when I had cancer, but there was a lot of dreaded waiting. Waiting to find out if I had the BRCA gene, waiting to find out what was next, and wondering what was going to happen to me. All those memories returned with my dad. The old emotions and fears resurfaced.

My dad is a handy man and a mechanic. He can fix almost anything. He fixes cars, lawn mowers, and even private airplanes. He has fixed and still fixes many of my vehicles. He does repairs around his own home, has helped remodel his church and has done repairs in my home. If he’s sitting down too long, he thinks he’s being lazy. He gives from the bottom of his heart to his family, friends, and strangers. I don’t always agree on his views, but I love him endlessly. Hearing he has bone cancer sent a knife deep in my heart.

My father has always been a healthy, active man even at seventy-four. Nothing kept him down. His oncologist said his cancer wasn’t life threatening, but they said something similar about Grandpa’s. I can’t bear the thought of losing my dad from a miserable struggle with this horrible disease. This troubled me greatly. I don’t want to lose my dad. I cried more tears in Lou’s arms.

Then my dad had to take a class about his treatment and start shots and chemo. My younger sister came to town to go to appointments with them. I was relieved but I felt guilty. I stress every six months when I go to the cancer center for my checkups, but going there for my dad seemed even more frightening. I just couldn’t do it, but I felt it was my responsibility. My older sister is struggling with health problems, and as the second oldest I should be at my parents’ side while my dad goes through his treatments, but emotionally I can’t handle it.

I remember making the decision to have a double mastectomy and then a full hysterectomy. I cried about it and agonized over it. Then there was the news that I would have to wait six months to do reconstruction and it would take several surgeries for it. I decided not to do reconstruction, and I had to learn to love myself as a woman without breasts. I felt like I was getting one let down one after another. My whole life was changing, and I fell into a depression. Those feelings came back as my dad faced his treatments.

When my sister told me the details of my dad’s treatments, I realized my dad’s life would be forever changed. His food had to be washed before being prepared, masks in public, washing his hands frequently, being susceptible to illnesses, and chemo every day. I felt that anguish inside me like the anguish I felt when I had cancer.

Then as we came closer to the beginning of his treatments, I began to worry obsessively how chemo would affect him. Would he no longer be that active and strong man I always knew? Would he get very sick? Would he need lots of extra care? The worries flooded me, and I felt the sadness of depression taking control. My muscles were tense, my stomach twisted, and the tears came expectantly. I struggled to sleep or even focus on everyday things.

When he made it through his first shots and chemo pill without many problems, I sighed with relief. Now I worry about him catching an illness and ending up in the hospital. I worry about my dad having more side effects from the chemo pill the longer he takes it. The worries flood my mind and I feel like I’m losing control of my illness. I feel the pain of my emotions searing throughout my soul. The tears, the endless worries, and my chest tightening has me struggling to hold on to the edge of my hole. I feel like I’m losing control, and I will be at the bottom of that hole again.

I remind myself this is just a rough time, and I can get back to the top of the hole again. I lean on my support system, I journal my feelings, and I plan to work on some woodburning projects and my next book. I talked to my psychiatrist about my struggles with my depression during this rough time, and he upped my medicine.

Rough times are part of recovery from mental illness and part of the struggle with this sickness. The important part of dealing with rough times is using coping techniques, leaning on your support team, and asking for extra help from your therapist or psychiatrist. There will always be bad things happening in our lives, threatening to make the struggle with or recovery from mental illness rougher, but the most important thing is how you handle it. Don’t let it destroy you or throw you down that hole again. You can get through life’s heartaches and still work towards recovery or stay in recovery.

My dad’s journey has just begun and what is to come is unknown. Our hopes are that he will reach recovery. My struggles with this rough time will take a lot of work and coping, but I will soon stand in the light of recovery again.

SELF-CARE FOR MENTAL HEALTH

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

While struggling with mental illness, we may be so busy with jobs, college, children, and other responsibilities that taking care of ourselves gets pushed away. Or we could be struggling so much that we give up on ourselves. Wherever you are at with the mental illness you are fighting, you must take time out to care for yourself. Self-care is important in all aspects of mental illness, even in recovery.

In my journey through mental illness and as I work to stay in recovery, I came up with a few ways to practice self-care. Here are some important ways to take care of yourself.

  • Eat healthy meals. This is something I am working on. It’s important to watch how much sugary food you place into your body and to put together healthy meals. Add vegetables to your meals, snack on fruits, limit late night snacks, eat out less, and look into preparing wholesome meals.
  • Make time for meals. I always make sure I have three meals a day. If you’re busy, make a plan to take time out of your schedule to eat three meals daily. If you feel depressed and are avoiding eating, then force yourself to take time to eat. Put it on the calendar or set an alarm in your phone to remind you to take the time to eat. Food gives you the nutrients and strength you need to fight this illness. If you don’t eat regularly or avoid eating, you can cause physical health problems for yourself.
  • Take time for relaxation. You can spend money on a spa day, a massage, or a manicure. You can also relax without spending much money at all by taking a bubble bath, doing crafts, watching a funny movie, or listening to music. To relax I woodburn, soak in a bath, or write.
  • Take care of your mental and physical health. Listen to your body; if something doesn’t feel right or you feel sick, take care of yourself. Call off from work, go to the doctor when you need to, and allow yourself time for rest. When you notice you’re not handling your illness well or you’re getting worse, ask for help. Go to your therapist, take your medicine, turn to your support team, or build one, and do coping techniques. I go to the doctor when I need to, and if I don’t, my husband makes sure I do. My husband never lets me work when I’m sick, and when I struggle with my mental illness, I have coping techniques and a wonderful support team.
  • Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having trouble sleeping, talk to your psychiatrist for medications that can help you. Pick a set time at night to go to bed. Shut off your TV, social media, and phone. If you struggle with anxiety or racing thoughts, find a relaxation technique to try like deep breathing, listening to relaxing music, or muscle relaxation. I like to imagine myself lying on a beach with water coming up around me and I do deep breathing.
  • Take care of your basic needs. If you’re really struggling, you might not get out of bed, take a shower, comb your hair, or take care of your hygiene. Make a plan to get out of bed and sit in the living room, or get up and take a shower, or comb your hair, and brush your teeth. Taking care of these needs is important in self-care. When I was at my worst, I neglected to shower regularly, and I felt filthy. When I took a shower I felt refreshed.
  • Take time to socialize. Spend some time with people you care about. If your anxiety keeps you from going to places or events that involve a lot of people, then ask a friend to hang out with just you. Sitting alone at home leaves the mind to wander and makes you feel lonely. Go out and have some fun. You deserve to have a good time. When I’m home alone my mind wanders and I feel more depressed. My husband and I like to go out to dinner, to events, and the movies. Sometimes I go to dinner with friends at another friend’s house.
  • Take some time to be alone. If you live with other people and you get overwhelmed with things going on with them take some time to be alone. Take a walk, go to your room, sit out on the porch, or find a place you can go to be by yourself. Sometimes you just need a break from the people in your life, and that is okay. Take time to be alone and de-stress. My alone time is at night when my husband goes to bed. It’s when I write, when I journal, and when I snuggle with my dog. It gives me time to focus just on myself and my own needs.

These are only a few things you can do to take care of yourself. You are important and you owe it to your physical and mental health to practice self-care. Your mental health is connected to your physical health. If you don’t take care of both, you will not only struggle with mental illness, but also physical illness.  Taking care of the body and mind will help make you stronger to reach or stay in recovery.

I make self-care an important part of my life, and because I do I dance in the light of recovery.

RELEASE YOUR FEELINGS IN A JOURNAL

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

When struggling with mental illness, many are bombarded by racing thoughts, painful emotions, and an overload of feelings. Our thoughts trigger our emotions and feelings. Together they can cause physical problems such as achy shoulders, chest pain, upset stomach, and labored breathing. Often feelings become trapped within, causing anxiety, panic attacks, and unhealthy coping techniques like self-injury. A good way to release those feelings is to put them in a journal.

When I was in a mental health hospital, a friend brought me a journal and a pen. I began to journal every day. I poured out all my feelings on the pages. It felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders. When I got out of the hospital, I took my journal everywhere like a security blanket. I wrote in it at restaurants, on my break at work, sitting at a park, in my car, and other places.

My therapist gave me assignments to write journal entries about certain things that were bothering me and then we would discuss them in our sessions. She used them to develop a plan on how to teach me coping techniques and to learn how to change my pattern of thinking. She even had me keep a separate journal to write positive things in each day. It was very hard to come up with things good about my life at that time, but I worked hard at it.

You might think, “I don’t know what to write in a journal,” “I’m not good at writing,” Or “I’d rather draw.” You can start by writing, “Today I feel..” and let your thoughts and feelings flow. You could even put an emotion down like “I am sad and that makes me feel…” You could write a letter to yourself or to someone who hurt you. The possibilities are endless.

The good thing about journals is that you don’t have to be a good writer and you don’t even have to be grammatically correct. You could even write so badly that you can’t read your own writing. Just write. No one is going to read it but you.  

If you’re not good at putting your feelings in words but you like to draw, then draw pictures that portray your feelings. Get a journal with blank pages and fill it with your artwork. Express yourself with pencils, colored pencils, markers, or whatever works best for you. If you’re feeling like your world is falling apart, then put it into your drawings in your journal. Release your feelings in the way that works best for you, whether it be writing or drawing.

As I mentioned earlier, therapy my therapist had me keep a second journal where I wrote positive things about my day. At first it was very hard to come up with good things, but in time it got easier. If you decide to keep a separate positive journal, that’s fine. You could also write out your feelings in your journal and then add five positive things at the end of each entry.

You might be so far down in the hole of your mental illness that coming up with positive things seems impossible. Start small like “I got out of bed today” or “I took a shower.” For many with mental illness it’s a struggle just to get up and moving. Some find it takes a lot of energy just to take a shower. To accomplish these things is wonderful. As you work hard towards recovery, the positives become easier to come up with.

You can become creative with your journal, you can use stickers or pictures. You can cut out inspirational sayings from a magazine or news articles and put them in your journal. I have put obituaries for people I have lost and compliments from my customers in some of my journals. It’s your journal; you can put whatever you want in it and decorate it to your liking.

Journaling isn’t for everyone. If you’ve tried journaling and found it didn’t help you or you just couldn’t keep up with it, then investigate other ways of expressing your feelings like painting, playing a musical instrument, singing, or walking. Don’t keep your feelings inside you. They only cause more harm when you let them fester and build up with no release.

For me journaling has become a healthy coping technique. I no longer carry my journal with me everywhere and I don’t journal every day, but it still gets me through rough days. When I’m going through a hard time, I sit and journal. I not only put my feelings in it, but I problem solve, I brainstorm story ideas, and so much more. That’s how I came up with these blog posts. Journals can have several purposes. So, use your journal in whatever way works best for you.

Because I release my feelings in my journals, the light of recovery fills me.

YOU CAN DO IT

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

When you are struggling with depression, you lose interest in everyday things and you have feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It becomes too easy to neglect your health and daily routines and tasks. You get stuck in a rut you can’t get out of. Even getting out of bed becomes very difficult. You feel as if you can’t move past this horrible sadness that has taken over your life.

I grew up with parents and grandparents who didn’t believe in the words, “I can’t.” Whenever my siblings or I said I can’t do something, my mom would look us in the eyes and tell us “There’s no such thing as can’t. You can do anything you put your mind to.” Her words were my inspiration and became my motto. If someone told me, I couldn’t do something I found a way to prove that person wrong. Throughout elementary they told me I couldn’t read, so I worked hard to learn how to read; they told me I couldn’t longer pass classes on my own, and in high school I passed my classes with “As” and “Bs.” My teachers said I would be on welfare when I grew up, but I graduated from college, I have worked the same job for twenty-eight years and I have written a book.

When I realized I had major depression in college, I felt like my life was doomed. I couldn’t sleep at night, I got sick every morning, I became suicidal, and I self-injured. It took all my strength to get out of bed each morning and go to my classes, yet I continued to get high grades. My life seemed like an endless cycle of hopelessness and inner agony, but I refused to fail at college. It was hard to pass my classes when I was so sick, but I could still hear those teachers from school saying, “You can’t succeed.” This drove me to study long hours to pass my classes.

For many who are struggling with depression, the simplest routine tasks like taking a shower, combing hair, eating, or getting out of bed seem impossible. It’s easy to give up and say, “I can’t do it.” The thing is if you dig deep down inside yourself, you’ll realize you can do it. You can get out of bed, you can take a shower, you can eat, and you can stand up to depression. Remember there is no such thing as, “I can’t.”

Are you lying in bed feeling too tired and depressed to get up? Then say to yourself, “I can get up,” several times. Dig deep down inside you until you get the determination to slip out of bed. Take small steps. Be proud of yourself for each step you take and shout out, “I did it!” Your illness doesn’t have to run your life. You can fight it, you can work towards getting better, and you can reach recovery.

Reaching recovery was the hardest battle I have ever fought. So many times I felt like I just couldn’t go on and I didn’t want to go on. I felt like I was doomed to a life of misery. My mom’s words, “There’s no such thing as can’t. You can do anything you put your mind to,” kept me pushing forward.

When I got home from work and the man I was living with told me he was kicking me out, I ended up in a mental health hospital. He told me he couldn’t help me because I could never get better. His words inspired me to fight harder. In a week I got out of the hospital and started on the path to recovery. I moved back home, I started going to group therapy, and I found a new therapist. Through several years I took steps towards recovery.

You might feel like reaching recovery is impossible and there is no way you can reach it, but you can. Take the first steps now. Start slowly and build your way up. Recovery doesn’t come easily so plan on fighting hard. Remember there is no such thing as can’t. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” Fight for happiness, fight for a new beginning, and fight for yourself. I believe in you. “You can do it.”

I believed I could get better, and I fought hard for it and I reached it. I stand in the light of recovery shouting, “I did it!”

EMOTIONS FROM THE PAST

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Wounds on the soul from the past can heal, but a scar remains. We can move on from abuse, forgive those who have hurt us and heal, but the memory and the scar inside us never goes completely away. Sometimes things that happen in our lives reopen the wound and a storm of emotions flood us. How we handle the feelings is what matters the most.

I was looking at my reviews on Amazon for my book, Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying, and realized I got a five star review last month. There was no name to tell who wrote the review. The review stated that he or she was a classmate of mine and had good memories of me. Then it stated that he or she hoped he or she was not one of those I wrote about. This opened an old wound. Who could have good memories of me, but not know if he or she was one of the bullies? I had friends that moved away when I was younger, and the few friends that I kept more than a year would know they were not one of the bullies.

Who would have good memories of me when I didn’t talk to my classmates? We had a very small class and often kids follow the crowd when it comes to bullying even if they don’t agree. That doesn’t make what they did okay. Even when you don’t agree yet you participate, you’re as bad as the bullies. Was this one of those type of people from my class? Was it someone who didn’t even try to talk to me because he or she was afraid of getting bullied? Or was it one of the friends who turned their back on me? I went over and over in my mind who it could be who wrote the review.

I want my classmates and the bullies to read my book and see what they put me through. The person did acknowledge that he or she is happy to see my success which made me feel good. Then the person wrote that now that he or she is an adult, none of that horrible kid’s stuff matters. He or she didn’t seem to understand that it’s not just horrible kids’ stuff. When I was younger in the eighties and nineties when kids were mean to others, they didn’t recognize it as bullying. It was kids being kids, but it’s more than that. Bullying doesn’t just happen with children; it happens to adults too. Adults also can be bullies. Plus, what happens to a victim of bullying can affect them into adulthood. The reader of my book obviously doesn’t understand that bullying isn’t just kids’ stuff and that angered me.

To me saying It’s kids’ stuff is just like saying kids will be kids, and the pain and damage I had to struggle with into my adulthood didn’t matter. I spent many years in therapy learning to love myself, change my negative thinking, mend the inner wounds, and forgive and move on from the abuse I faced as a child. Years of being put down by classmates and teachers destroyed my self-esteem, led me into a mental war with myself, and caused wounds no one could see. It also led me into bad relationships, made me afraid to stand up for myself, made it hard for me to trust, and made me agree to things I wasn’t comfortable with because I was too afraid to speak up and so much more. This led into my adulthood. The pain of that resurfaced with the five-star review.

The song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson is about someone who was abused, and the lyrics hold true for bullying too. Think about the lyrics as you read them and imagine that child or adult who is being bullied. Here are the lyrics:

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side,

so I don’t get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me,

But everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

It took me years to overcome these things the song talks about. I had to go through therapy and take antidepressants, and even now I fear being hurt again. I am an adult now and my wounds are scars that at times reopen. The scars are from the bullies who verbally and physically abused me and the bad relationships I got into as an adult because I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship.

Because of you (my bullies), sometimes my scars open up and the pain floods back, but because I’m stronger I can handle the pain and I stitch that wound up. When I read that review, I texted my friends who are also part of my support team, Cheryl and Amy. They both mentioned the positive side of the review and told me not to dwell on who it might be. I didn’t want to hear the positive, but I listened, or more like read it. Amy suggested I write this post about it, and it is very healing.

To my classmate who wrote the review you’re right; I have succeeded. I am not done yet. I have more books to write, and I am working hard at giving talks to bring awareness to bullying. Thank you for your review.

If old wounds are reopened, turn to your support system, don’t let the wounds push you down, and stitch them back up. Because I stitched my old wounds back up, I stand tall in the light of recovery.

CONQUERING FEAR

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Everyone has a fear or more than one. Some fears have special names like acrophobia (fear of heights) or arachnophobia (fear of spiders and some fears are personal). We all avoid things that make us feel uncomfortable. We’ll stay away from high places when we have acrophobia, or we’ll avoid spiders if we have arachnophobia. When fears grow bigger in our mind or prevent us from living a happy life, then they become a problem.

All fears are irrational feelings that are very real to the person facing them. When these fears build on top of each other or grow from a small fear to a big one, they cause anxiety. They prevent us from falling in love, leaving our homes, reaching our dreams, and starting something new. When fears paralyze our lives when we need to get help and learn to stand up to them.

In high school I developed a fear of getting sick. I was obsessed with proving to my classmates that I was not dumb and getting the highest grades. At the end of the school year, I listened to the kids in my school receive multiple awards for their success in school. I decided to get awards and to succeed I had to stay healthy and not miss a day of school. In my mind getting sick meant I was weak and a failure. When my siblings got sick, I avoided them and was nasty to them. At night I begged God to keep me healthy, and at home I cleaned my hands frequently and became unbearable to be around.

That fear was built from my irrational thinking. Sickness didn’t make me weak; it wouldn’t have prevented me from proving to everyone I was smart. It prevented me from being kind to my siblings. It made me into an awful sister who treated my siblings horribly for something they couldn’t control. This fear followed me into adulthood and when I was dating my husband and he got sick, I left the house and drove around for hours. He called me several times and I ignored the calls. In time I learned to handle illnesses better.

I’m a director of One Life Project and we’re in the process of planning events. I’ve always been the person who likes to sit in the background unnoticed. Then I published my book and I’ve been standing in front of people giving speeches about bullying and now the founder of One Life, Alex, wants me to take a step further into the public. He wants me to learn to be a leader and to contact organizations. This scares me. I’d rather sit in the background and follow someone, but I can’t do that. Alex sees something in me I don’t see. He wouldn’t have chosen me if he didn’t. I could let my fear take control and prevent me from helping many with mental illness and making changes in others lives, or I can stand up to my fear.

I learned through my friend, Denise, and through therapy, you cannot let fear stop you. Denise picked me up from home one day and drove me to a resort that has many activities. When we got there, she turned to me and said, “You’re not afraid of heights are you?”

“Yes, I am,” I replied.

“Well, then you’re going to face it because we are going ziplining,” she said.

The whole time we rode the ski lift up the mountain side and I slowly climbed the tower to the zipline I kept telling myself, “I can’t do this.” Denise encouraged me all the way up and even until I jumped off the tower. I felt a rush of excitement as I sped down the mountain hooked to a cable. Through Denise I learned not to let fear stand in my way of doing things.

Instead of letting my fear of becoming a leader grow bigger and bigger until it paralyzes me, I’m going to face it. I will learn, I will ask questions, I will take it step by step and in time I will lead and be confident in contacting organizations.

Facing our fears helps us grow as a person. We grow stronger and more confident. I can’t tell you that fears will completely disappear. I still don’t like heights, but I’m more willing to tackle them. Facing your fears and pushing through them will open you up to new opportunities, new ways of thinking, and new beginnings.

Don’t let your fears cripple you from living, doing something new, from enjoying life, and from discovering yourself. Stand up to your fear and say, “You will not defeat me. I can overcome you.” Stop those little fears in their track before they grow into huge ones and leave you sick with anxiety. This is hard to do. I am still working on standing up to the little fears, but we can do it together.

Standing up to fears makes me a stronger person. Each day I take that step towards a fear I grow inside, and this helps me soar in the light of recovery.

STEPS TO A BETTER SLEEP

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

All people stop breathing while they are sleeping, but when a person stops breathing frequently during the night, that is called sleep apnea and he or she needs a CPAP machine. A CPAP machine can be difficult to get used to, and some people can’t get used to them at all. Others who get used to their machine find they get a better sleep at night and can get off sleeping medication. Some can sleep with their machine, but feel no difference in how they sleep or feel the next day.

I got my CPAP machine in August. In an earlier post I wrote about how I had to change masks because the one I had was giving me anxiety attacks. Once I found the mask that worked for me, it took a week or two to get used to sleeping with a mask over my nose and head, but once I felt comfortable with it, I noticed I was falling asleep sooner. Before my mask, with sleeping medication, it took me a half hour or longer to fall asleep. With the mask and my sleeping medication, I fell asleep within fifteen minutes. I was sleeping better, but I still felt groggy in the morning and yawned at work. I figured it was probably my sleeping medication.

A month after I got my machine, I talked to my psychiatrist on the phone. He asked questions about how I was sleeping with the CPAP. I told him I was falling asleep sooner and sleeping soundly through the night. I take medication that dissolves under your tongue. My psychiatrist had me taking a 5-milligram tablet cut in half. I had been on sleeping medication for many years. Anxiety and racing thoughts kept me up at night, and the sleeping medicine helped me relax so I could sleep, but sometimes my worrying and racing thoughts were so bad that I had a hard time sleeping with medication. Over a month’s time on my machine, I didn’t struggle with my thoughts. I just fell asleep.

My psychiatrist’s voice sounded confident over the phone. “I would like you to cut your pill into quarters. You should have four pieces to take once a day.”

I swallowed hard. Worries filled my mind. Could I sleep on less medication? What happens if I end up staying up all night and I start making mistakes at work? This can’t be a good idea. I have been on this medication for years; how could a CPAP machine help me sleep without it? I can’t go back to staying up all night begging God to let me sleep.

It was my day off. I tried to keep myself busy all day so I wouldn’t worry about the change in my medication. I did laundry and other housework. Later that night I cut my pill into quarters. I put one quarter under my tongue and crawled in bed beside my husband. I prayed to God to let me sleep. Fifteen minutes after I went to bed, I fell asleep.

For two months I slept well on a quarter of my medication. In November I had another call from my psychiatrist. I gave him a report on how I was sleeping. He then told me to break the four pieces in half so there would be eight small pieces. Then to take one a night. That amounts to a very small piece of medication. I was sure this would not work. It wasn’t enough medication to relax me. I was determined I would be up all night. There was no way a little piece of medicine could help me sleep. I’d be tossing and turning all night. That night I took my medicine and put my CPAP mask on and once again I was asleep in fifteen minutes.

During November I got a cold and had to miss work and then the cold went into a sinus infection. In December I got sick two more times and had to miss work. In the meantime, my husband went from forty hours to thirty-two and the place he works at was shut down for a week. We were behind in bills and deep in debt. We started going to the food bank and I tried to make arrangements with the bill companies. I was under a lot of stress and my anxiety was high. Normally under this kind of stress I would struggle to sleep even with my medication, but with my CPAP and a little piece of medicine I slept well.

I’ve had problems sleeping since I was a child, and throughout my adulthood, I have been on sleeping medication. To get to the point where I could sleep on just a very small amount was a miracle to me. I thought I would be on sleeping medicine for the rest of my life, but as I cut my medicine down, I began to hope that soon I would no longer need my medication. My next talk with my psychiatrist is at this end of the month. I have a feeling he will discontinue my sleeping medication. I’m excited and a little scared. The “What ifs” are filling my mind, but I’m trying to stay positive.

Not everyone has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP, but if you need one, it might change your life and sleep. A CPAP machine seems like a hassle, and you might think you could never sleep with a mask on your face, but give it a chance. It may help you take big steps in how you sleep and help you get off medication.

With my CPAP machine I sleep much better, and a good night’s sleep helps me function better during the day. With steps to a better sleep, I am standing tall in the light of recovery.

HOLIDAY STRESS AND DEPRESSION

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Holidays are a joyous time of year, but also a stressful time, especially this year. With inflation being so high, people are extra stressed about affording the fixings for dinners, for buying gifts, and paying bills. We work hard to keep family traditions going and giving our best to our loved ones. Such stressors like these can increase sadness in those who have depression. It can make the holidays seem bleak and hopeless.

When I was a child, the holidays sent me into a deep hole of depression. When we exchanged names for gifts, I usually got a gag gift and became the joke of the class. Everyone laughed but me. During the holidays I spent a lot of time alone, I got upset easily, and I got into fights with my siblings. I even argued with my parents and cried silently at night.

 I felt so alone. I was bullied in school and had very few friends, which worsened my depression. One year I asked for a Ventriloquist puppet so I could have a friend. I got the puppet for Christmas and worked on having it talk without moving my lips. I carried on conversations with it, but it wasn’t the same as having a human friend.

When I met my husband, my holiday depression faded away. He goes out of his way to spoil me with love and gifts. With him I’m never alone and I get wonderful gifts instead of gag gifts. I’m the sparkle in his eyes and he is the sparkle in mine. I enjoy spoiling him too. But this year is extremely hard and stressful. We’ve had a rough year financial. There has been a lot of unexpected problems throughout 2023.

Every year my husband and dad have a tradition of going together to pick out Christmas trees, but this year we don’t have the money for a real tree. My older sister is giving us a fake tree to put up. It’ll be our first fake tree since we got married.

We are struggling to pay bills and put food on the table. Each week I sit down to pay the bills and tears fall because the money won’t stretch far enough. Bills keep coming in that we can’t pay and my stress increases. By the time I pay what I can, we have little money for food. My parents help us out by bringing us some food and we go to our church food bank. I fear my biggest nightmare is coming true. I fear we’re going to go bankrupt and lose everything. This stirs up my anxiety and leaves me struggling with obsessive worrying when I should be sleeping at night.

Stress has led to bouts of depression. I feel like I have failed us. I take care of the bills and I have always been able to pay them until now. What have I done wrong? How will we ever get out of this mess? Will we have to skip Christmas? Will we end up living in a box in an alley? The worries are nonstop day and night. I feel like I can’t breathe.

I’ve been asking to work overtime at work to get more hours. Sometimes they say yes and other times no. I’ve tried an author event in a town forty-five minutes away, hoping to sell some books, but unfortunately very few people showed up. I did sell some bookmarks, that were meant to be given free, to fellow authors. That money got us supper on our trip home. I’m woodburning Christmas ornaments, hoping those will sell to give us a little extra money. I’ve sold two so far.

We have a Christmas account at our bank. I used some of the money to pay some bills, but Lou insisted we keep a little money to get each other a few gifts. We’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner at my parent’s. My parents always send us home with leftovers.

To cope with my stress, bouts of depression, and the holidays, I journal out my feelings and I list five positive things each day. I also turn to my support system, I pray, and I keep myself busy with my writing and woodburning. Most importantly, I take care of myself. I remind myself that money doesn’t make the holidays happy; love does. I rely on God to see us through our difficult times, and I thank God for all who have been helping us in out time of need. Traditions can change, gifts can be small, but love is the largest gift of all. God’s love is what shines in every holiday.

If you’re struggling with the holidays, then write a list of the positive things in your life. Do things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Remember the holidays are about much more than large meals and fancy gifts. Sometimes the best gifts are those from the heart. Make do with what you do have and be grateful that God gave you that. Worry about your stressors for a few minutes and then let them go. Focus on the positive.

These holidays are different for us, but this Thanksgiving I am thankful. I’m thankful for the help of family, for my husband’s love, for having a home, for the support of friends, and for God’s love. Holding onto the positive is what is getting me through the holidays and keeping me standing in the light of recovery.