Author: Aimee Eddy

CHRISTMAS JOY

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

A holiday, especially at Christmas, can be a very hard time for people. There are the stresses of buying gifts, preparing a meal, family get-togethers, and family drama. Some people are struggling with grief, mental illness, and loneliness. All these can make Christmas seem unbearable. How do you make it through the holidays if you’re struggling with these things? Do you lie in bed and ignore the holidays?

I used to find the holidays unbearable. I had loving parents and grandparents, but I felt alone. I was struggling with depression and didn’t know it. While everyone was excited about Christmas, I was dying inside. Everything seemed dark and hopeless. I couldn’t find the Christmas spirit. Instead of smiling and laughing with my siblings, I was grumpy and easily got mad or irritated. I’d lash out in anger when someone was just joking with me. I was a miserable person to be around. My parents couldn’t understand why I hated holidays. I even felt like I was alone among family at my grandparents. I wanted to hide from everyone.

When I got older and started going to therapy, I learned to cope with the holidays. I learned to find the positive side to holidays. I learned Christmas isn’t about the material gifts, but gifts from the heart. As a teen I woodburned gifts for my parents and grandparents. Even now that I’m an adult I woodburn gifts for friends and family. If I feel alone among family, I find one person I can confide in and talk to. When I feel hopeless, I list the things I’m grateful for. When I feel depressed, I journal out my feelings or turn to my support system.

This year I have been teetering on the edge of the hole of depression. 2024 has been rough and we have been struggling financially. I’ve been trying to help my husband find a job. I keep myself busy by wooodburing gifts, I‘ve been leaning on my support system and listing the positive things in my life. Unemployment claims my husband is working when he’s actually not and has paused his unemployment benefits until further review. We are pinching pennies, and everything seems hopeless but it’s not. Many positive things have happened: My parents help us when they can; a co-worker is gave us half a ham and we got a lot of food from the food bank. We even had some extra canned foods to give to an elderly lady in our neighborhood. We also received a check from one of my customers, and we used it to get each other a few gifts. We’re also blessed to have have a warm home.

I love it when my husband spoils me with gifts and I love to spoil him too, but we can’t do much of that this year. Christmas isn’t about celebrating with family, buying gifts, or eating big meals. Christmas is about the gift God gave us, his Son. We don’t need money to celebrate Jesus’s birthday. We just need to have the Holy Spirit in our hearts and love of Jesus and God in our souls. Money can’t buy that. If you have those then you don’t need family, gifts or food to enjoy Christmas.

You can share the love of God by smiling, saying a kind word, giving a hug, or dressing for the season. I dress up in holiday shirts and hats at work. I have one hat with Santa’s feet at the top like Santa got caught in a chimney on my head. It puts a smile on my customers’ faces, some giggle and it eases the stress of holiday shopping. I smile with the love of God in me and my customers love that. When you give a gift from the heart, then you are giving the true gift of Christmas. God gave us the gift of his Son, from his heart.

If you’re struggling this Christmas, find ways to cope, leave family get togethers when they become too much, or list memories of your loved one. If you’re alone, celebrate Jesus’s birthday by lighting a candle and eating something special. Find the joy of Christmas in your soul by thanking God for his gift by giving a gift from the heart. A few customers told me they had no family so Christmas is just another day, but it’s not. It’s a special day and you can celebrate without family. You can pray to God, sing “Happy Birthday” to Jesus, make a special meal for yourself, or find a place offering Christmas dinners to go eat.

Despite a rough year and lots of stress, I’m celebrating Christmas with a smile on my face and God in my soul. This Christmas my soul will shine bright in God’s love while I celebrate in the light of recovery. Merry Christmas!!!

SNOWAGEDDON AND DRAMA

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Living by one of the great lakes, Lake Erie, makes weather in Erie PA and the regions nearby unpredictable. In 2017 we had nearly five feet of snow dumped on us on Christmas day, and my husband and I were stranded over night at my parents. Over the past few years, we have been lucky and had mild winters. I hoped this year would be easy too, but the unpredictable lake had other plans for us.

Thanksgiving Day was a clear and calm day. Then I woke up Friday morning to snow falling like God was dumping it from heaven in truck loads. My husband, Lou, was supposed to have an interview that afternoon. He drove me to work in slim visibility. I told him not to go to the interview and try to call them instead. I started work while he attempted to call, but he just got an answering machine. He then left to go home. I cashed out customers and Lou came to me upset. The vehicle would not start, and alarms were going off.

I handed a customer a bag of groceries and turned to my husband. “Maybe the steering wheel is locked. Try moving it around.”

For an hour Lou was in and out of the store trying everything he could think of to get our SUV to start. He came to me upset and soaked. Since I was working, I couldn’t help him. I told him to stay inside and dry off in the café until I got my break. When I got my break, we both went out to our SUV. This time we couldn’t open the doors. We went inside and I tried to call a few garages, but  I only got answering machines. The snow just kept coming down, so I told Lou to just relax in the café until I got off work.

Fifteen minutes before my shift ended Lou found a friend to take us home. My boss let me go early. He drove us to the end of our road, but the snow was so deep that cars were stuck in the road. We had to walk up a block to our home wile snow pounded us in the face. We only had the back door key, but our neighbor had the sidewalk to the front shoveled. We live in a row house, which is like a condominium. One side we are attached to a block of row houses, and on the other we have a small fenced in yard. On the other side of the fences was a long row of more houses. The yard was too deep to walk through and the alley where we usually park our cars was unplowed. Our neighbor let me walk through their house to the back. I waded through snow past my knees to our driveway. I pulled the gate to our fence, opened it a little, and squeezed through. I waded through more snow until I got on our deck and into the house. I let Lou in the front door.

Our front porch.

The next two days I was off work. I didn’t leave the house on Saturday and on Sunday my neighbor took me to the store to get a few things. The snow continued to pile up. I binged on Netflix, worked on workbooks for One Life Project, texted with my friends, and watched Christmas movies with my husband. We watched the news to find that they declared a snow emergency for Erie and called in the National Guard. People were stranded on the major highways and warming centers were being put in place.

Monday it stopped snowing during the day, but the roads were bad. Buses were canceled so I called off work. I had no way of getting there. My dad traveled from Ripley NY, a half hour away for his treatment at the cancer center. Afterwards he tried to get our vehicle started with no luck. My parents took us back to Ripley with them and my dad lent us his pickup. It was nice to have a vehicle to drive, but since I’m short, getting into my dad’s pickup was like climbing a mountain. Getting out I had to slide off the edge of the seat until I reached the ground.

The next day my dad had our vehicle towed. On Wednesday he told us to bring our spare key fob because the one we were using was causing our car problems. That night we drove our car home. The next day when we tried to start it, it wouldn’t start again. We tried to go back in the house, but I had accidentally locked us out. I had a spare key for the back door. So once again, we went through our neighbor’s house to the back of the house. This time the snow was waist deep, and we had to use our neighbor’s shovel to remove snow from around the gate in order for me to squeeze through. I got in the house and let my husband in the front door. We called my dad and spent the rest of the day at home.

Our back yard and porch that I had to wade through

The next morning my parents came so my dad could check the battery in our car. The battery was dead. My dad dropped me off at work and went and got a battery. When my husband showed up for my break, I knew our SUV was running again.

For that whole week it snowed each night, adding to the snow total and back roads became narrower and narrower. The snowplows ran tirelessly, but there was no place to put the snow. By Tuesday the following week customers were starting to dig themselves out and were filling the aisles of the grocery stores. By Friday the news said we had a little over four feet of snow.

I could have gotten down and depressed with our situation, but instead I kept myself busy. I was stressed and frustrated with our car problems, but my dad, our hero, came to our rescue. We were in a bad situation, but as my friend Amy always says, “God will provide,” and he did. Each time I started to worry I texted a friend or found something to do. I kind of liked my two days off from work and away from reality. We were nice and warm in our home.

If you are feeling trapped by the winter weather and dealing with problems you can’t control, turn to your support system, find things to keep you busy, pamper yourself, and find ways to relax. Life throws us in a snowbank sometimes, and it’s up to us to dig ourselves out and to cope.

Next week they are predicting warmer temperatures and rain. We might be swimming our way around Erie. I stayed strong through our drama and because of that I am dancing in the light of recovery.

REASONS WHY MY LIFE IS IMPORTANT

Published on by Aimee Eddy5 Comments

I started watching a Netflix series called 13 Reasons Why; it is about a young girl who was bullied at school and sexually harassed at school until she committed suicide. The series speaks to me because in some ways I was in the shoes of the girl the show is about. It goes through many reasons why she took her life, and it hits home with me. I wanted to die when I was being bullied. I daydreamed about something horrible happening to me, resulting in my death.

Life is hard and especially harder for others. Sometimes a series of things or just one thing happens to a person to make life seem impossible to live. Some may ask how anyone could even think about taking their life, and no one can truly know what is happening inside a person. You don’t know what can drive a person to suicide unless you have been at that breaking point, but that doesn’t make it right. It’s hard when you’re at that point to see any other way out of your inner anguish, but there is a way. There are many reasons to live and push forward.

I had many reasons why I wanted to die when I was in school: my classmates picked on me, some of my teachers put me down, my friends either moved away or turned their backs on me, I felt alone, I felt worthless, and I thought I was the ugly one in my family. In spite of that, there are reasons my life is important which I’m going to list:

  • My parents loved me for who I was no matter what. My parents loved everything about me. They didn’t care if I was a tomboy or that my room was messy. They saw me for the person I was, and they loved me for that. If I took my life they would have been devastated.
  • I had dreams to fulfill. I dreamed of becoming a published author. I wrote many short stories and entered them into contests. I didn’t know that I would publish my own memoir that would help many, but I would have never found that out if I had ended my life.
  • I was smart and had a lot to accomplish. Despite my learning disability, I was an intelligent person. I just had to work harder to succeed at school. Once I found out that I was intelligent, I made the merit roll, honor roll, published stories, and made the National Honor Society. I would never have accomplished all that if I had taken my life.
  • I made a difference in people’s lives. Even though I felt alone, I was making a difference in people’s lives. I was friends with a girl whose home life was bad and I gave her someone to lean on. I became best friends with a girl who also was being bullied and we became inseparable. I even became close to her sisters and mother. My parents and grandparents’ lives were beautiful with me in it. If I died, they would all have been hurt and very sad.
  • I had a bright future ahead of me. At that time to me my future seemed dim, but it was bright. I proved I could accomplish a lot despite a learning disability, and my future was waiting for me. I had plans for college and dreams to become a published author. I had several acceptance letters to colleges. Now I am a published author, I have a college degree, I’ve worked the same job for twenty-nine years, I work for a nonprofit helping others with mental illness, and I would have never accomplished all this if I weren’t alive.
  • My life story could help people. In high school I wrote fictional stories based on the bullying I faced. I was determined to prove myself and that helped me accomplish a lot. I was an example that anyone could succeed. As an adult I have overcome bullying, a learning disability, mental illness, and relationship abuse and many see me as an inspiration. I tell my story in this blog and in my memoir and it helps people. If I had died, I would have never been able to tell my story to the world.

If you are feeling suicidal, write out a list of why your life is important, and dig deep inside you to find those reasons. Ask people in your life why you are important to them. You’ll find that your life is worth living. There are a lot of reasons to be on this earth living your life and fighting for happiness. Instead of coming up with 13 reasons why you should end your life, come up with 13 reasons why you should live your life.

Because I never succeeded at taking my life I live a beautiful life with a wonderful husband, lots of memories, a good job, and lots of happiness. I stand tall in the light of recovery glad to be alive.

BEING THANKFUL

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of year. Thanksgiving is getting closer and closer. People are busy planning big meals to celebrate with friends and family. It’s a time of sharing and being grateful for the things we have in our lives. But for many this holiday and other holidays are dreaded. Some struggle with anxiety about spending time with large groups of people, some are alone, some are struggling with depression and can’t find joy, some dread family drama, and some are spending the holidays without a loved one.

When I was younger, I hated holidays. They only made me feel more alone and depressed. I struggled with friends coming in and out of my life. My classmates and teachers put me down. I felt even more isolated from the world during the holidays. Thanksgiving left me feeling like there was nothing in my life to be thankful for. I fell into a depression and became irritable at the holidays. I fought with my siblings and easily went off on my parents.

When I met my husband, my perspective on holidays changed. He made everything brighter. He gave me reasons to celebrate, and with him I never feel or felt alone. I found things to be thankful for at Thanksgiving time.

This holiday season my husband and I are struggling financially, and I’m helping him search for a job. I feel stressed, sad, and overwhelmed. Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I have been wondering what I have to be thankful for. My husband is out of work, bills are adding up, we’re applying for jobs for him, but no one is calling, we have big decisions to make, and I don’t know how to make them. I feel depression tugging at me, but I’m fighting it.

To get into the holiday spirit I decided to write a list of things I’m thankful for. Here is my list:

  • I’m thankful for friends who have helped my husband and me in our time of need. A customer who has become a friend sent me a check, a friend brought us dog food and a gift card, and another friend gave us a turkey breast.
  • I’m thankful to have a house to live in. Despite how tough things are for us, we still have a roof over our heads.
  • I’m thankful for my husband. I wouldn’t want to go through these tough times with anyone else.
  • I’m thankful for my parents. My parents are always giving moral support, listening to us, and helping us out in anyway they can. Their love is endless.
  • I’m thankful for the food bank at our church. Without the food bank, we would not have food.
  • I’m thankful for my dog, Esther. She always seems to know when I’m struggling, and she gives me extra cuddles.
  • I’m thankful for being strong enough to fight depression. I could easily fall to the bottom of my hole of darkness, but I refuse to let that happen.
  • I’m thankful for having a family that loves me. My parents are wonderful, and so are my siblings. They show me in different ways how much they care.
  • I’m thankful for my job. Without my job, we would be in even worse shape. Talking to my customers brightens my day.

Thanksgiving is a time to look at your life and see what you have to be grateful for. When you are struggling with hard times and mental illness, it’s hard to find good things. If you think about it and list things you are thankful for, you might find light in your soul. You can be grateful for small things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, or going for a walk. No matter how bad things seem, there is always something in your life to be thankful for.

This holiday season I have been struggling with a lot of emotions and coping to keep above the hole, but writing a list of what I am thankful for is helping me celebrate in the light of recovery.

COPING WITH STRESS

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Stress causes physical and mental health problems such as stomach issues, weakened immune system, high blood pressure, tense muscles causing aches and pain, depression, and anxiety. We all deal with some type of stress in our lives, but when you have mental illness stress can make your illness worse. With mental illness minor things can stress you out and it can lead to self-injury, anxiety attacks, and suicide attempts.

The important thing is to know how to cope with stress so that you can reach towards the light of recovery or stay in the light of recovery. Here are some coping techniques I learned to deal with stress:

  • Identify your trigger. What types of things cause you to be stressed? Could it be dealing with family problems, could it be taking on too much responsibility, could it be making important decisions, or working long hours? List your triggers in a journal or on a sheet of paper. I keep a list of my triggers in my journal.
  • Reduce your to-do list. If you are doing too much, then cut your list down. See what is most important for you to complete, and leave the other things for another time. If work stresses you out, then determine if you need a different job or if you can reduce the number of hours you work. I work part time because working full time is too stressful for me and causes my anxiety to heighten.
  • Practice relaxation. Find something to do that relaxes you such as listening to music, deep breathing, trying yoga, practicing mindfulness, taking a bath, going for a walk, or doing a craft. Everyone has different ways or things they do that help them relax. Find something that works for you. I find woodburning, imagining lying on a beach, and deep breathing relaxing.
  • Turn to your support system. If you don’t have a support system, build one. Having friends and family that support you is very helpful with your mental illness and dealing with stress. If you’re feeling stressed, talk to someone in your support system, make plans to meet for lunch, send a text or invite them over. Leaning on others who can encourage you, listen to you, and who can help you see a different perspective will help you handle your feelings and stress better. When I’m stressed out, I lean on my husband and friends. My friend, Cheryl, and my husband always help me see things in a different way and find away to get me to laugh.
  • Ask for help. If you can’t deal with your stress on your own, consider going to therapy. A therapist can work with you on different coping techniques that will help you. If you are taking too much on, then ask a friend or family member to help you out. If you are making a decision that stresses you out ask someone to guide you with that decision. If you have too much to do, then ask a family member or friend to help you get it done. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. When I have problems with making a decision, I ask my husband for help, and when I have too much to do, I ask my husband to help me out.
  • Know your limits. Know how much you can handle before you get stressed out. Once you know your limits, stick to them. If a friend asks you to put together a baby shower for her and it pushes past your limits, kindly tell your friend you can’t do it. If working two jobs is too much, then just work one. If everyone is asking you to do something for them and it causes you stress, then only take on what you feel comfortable with and tell the others no. There is nothing wrong with limiting how much you do for your own wellbeing. I only do as much as I feel comfortable with. If it is more than I can handle, then I tell people no or I do less.
  • Take care of yourself. If you take care of your physical and mental health, you will be able to handle stress better. Get plenty of sleep, eat well, practice coping techniques, take your medicine, and pamper yourself when you need to. When I’m stressed it is easy to skip a meal or lose sleep by worrying too much. I try to journal out my worries before bed, and I make sure I eat three meals a day. If I’m worrying too much and can’t sleep, I talk to my husband, and he helps me talk things out so I can sleep.
  • Challenge your negative thoughts and practice positive thinking. If you’re thinking negative things, turn them into positive thoughts. Try to practice positive thinking to keep your spirits up. Bad thoughts only bring you down and make you feel hopeless. I journal out my negative thoughts and then change them to positive ones. When I’m negative, my husband reminds me to be positive. I notice when I focus on the positive, I feel better.

When stress starts to drag you down that dark hole, practice these coping techniques. Don’t let stress cause you physical health problems and worsen your mental health. You are important and it’s important to know how to take care of yourself by managing your stress with coping techniques. Sometimes there is stress in your life you just can’t avoid, but by coping with it you can handle it better.

By managing my stress, I relax in the light of recovery.

LIFE’S ROADBLOCKS

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

“Give it to God and all your anxiety and stress will ease,” they tell me. I lie in my bed at night praying really hard for my worries to ease, my inner pain to go away, and for strength, but I feel no better. Is it because I’m not a good Christian, am I not praying the right way, or have I lost my connection with God? With mental illness it’s very hard to just let go of stress and anxiety, especially when life is putting up so many roadblocks. Praying doesn’t just take away my racing thoughts, anguish, tense muscles, and upset stomach. My mind won’t stop.

Life has been a challenge for a couple years since my husband’s workplace started remodeling. I held on to the hope that once the remodeling was done, he would be back to his full-time hours, and we would be on our feet again. Then when the remodeling ended, my husband got his hours back for a short time, but suddenly they cut him down to two days a week. He got unemployment, but not enough to pay all our bills. I told my boss to take me off express register and go to regular register, despite scoliosis and screws in my back so I could get more hours. We emptied our Christmas funds to pay some bills, and we still could not pay them all.

We started searching for jobs. We put in application after application only to hear nothing back. When my husband followed up, they told him they were still looking over applications. My husband felt hopeless, my anxiety heightened, and my stress levels went high. We started going to the food bank because we could only get twenty-three dollars in food stamps.

Then suddenly he got a phone interview with a department store. It was the answer to our prayers. He would only be making forty-eight cents less than his current job. We agreed he would still work two days a week at the current job until he got health insurance at the new job. We were excited. Finally, we would get back on our feet. Then suddenly his job of thirty-four years laid him off permanently, leaving him without insurance. Then after working a week and two days at the new job, he and six other new employees were laid off permanently. Suddenly my husband was jobless.

I was at work when my husband told me he lost his second job. I fell apart and had to sit in the manager’s office bawling my eyes out for almost an hour. The coordinator offered me words of encouragement until I was able to calm down. My world crumbled before my eyes. Our hopes were wiped away with one swipe. My worst fear of going broke and losing everything we owned seemed like it was coming true. Will we have to file for bankruptcy? Will we have to move in with my parents until we can get back on our feet? How could we find my husband another job? The worries ripped at my insides and flooded my mind.

My husband has an appointment for a very important test on November thirteen. We have waited for months for this test, but he now has no insurance. How could we pay for the test? So, I called and found out the cost of the test and started a GoFundMe. I raised more than enough for the test, but what if he needs further treatment? I filed for Medicaid for him, and all we can do now is pray he gets it.

My friend told me to give my stress and worries to God and I would feel better. I prayed and prayed for God to give me some peace, but the racing thoughts and endless worries continued. Some days I feel like the air is being squeezed from my lungs. My husband has been struggling to sleep and feeling down. It’s up to me to keep his spirits up, but my insides feel like I’m going to fall to pieces. Life’s roadblocks keep getting bigger and bigger and I can’t see around them.

I asked God, “Why are you not helping us?” “Why are you not easing my anxiety, stress, and worrying?” “Why are you not giving me peace? Is it because I don’t know how to give it to you?”  “Why are you letting all these bad things happen to us?” I stood at the edge of the hole of depression barely able to hold on waiting for an answer from God.

My parents gave us a bunch of coins to turn in for money, people donated so Lou could have his test, and a friend sent us a gift card for a grocery store. My mom also told me about a program that can help us pay an overdue bill, and we’re waiting for the application to apply for it. God has been giving us help to ease some of our burdens, and he’s been carrying us through. I was just too caught up in my emotions to see what God has been doing.

I realized it was my turn to do the work to control my worrying, stress, and anxiety. So, I journal out my worries and feelings, I turn to my support system, and I praise God for the signs that he is working in our lives to get us through this rough time.

God works in mysterious ways to get us through the roadblocks in our lives. Open your eyes to the things that happen in your life that are God’s way of helping you. It might not be as simple as God magically shutting off those racing thoughts and bad feelings, but it could be things put in your life to show you how to find peace. God will get you through life’s roadblocks, but you also must do some work to keep yourself from falling down the hole or falling deeper. Use your coping techniques to deal and let God carry you through.

I know now God is showing me I have nothing to worry about and stress about. He’s giving me the help I need to stay strong during this roadblock in my life. God is holding me in the light of recovery.

REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Each person on this earth is different and special. We have unique qualities that make us beautiful inside and out. There is no such thing as an ugly person. You might think you’re ugly when in fact you’re beautiful in many ways. Sometimes it’s hard to love ourselves. It’s easy to lose your self-esteem and to hate yourself when you struggle with mental illness. Especially when others put you down throughout your life. How do you love that person who’s looking back at you in the mirror? Why should you love yourself?

After being bullied throughout school, I learned to dislike myself. When I was at my worst with mental illness, I began to hate myself even more. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and worthless. As I worked towards recovery, I learned that there were many reasons why I should love myself.

Here are some reasons you should love yourself:

  • You deserve to love yourself. You are a special person, and you deserve all the love you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself especially while you are struggling with mental illness. While darkness is clouding your mind, you need self-love to soothe your aching soul. You deserve the very best. Give it to yourself.
  • You can’t love others until you love yourself. You can think you love another person, but how can you truly feel love for others when you can’t love yourself? You can’t give a part of you to someone else if you can’t give it to yourself. You might find yourself drawn to bad relationships because you think that’s what you deserve, but you don’t deserve that. You deserve a good, loving relationship, but to find that relationship you must love the person you are.
  • You’re worth it. You are unique and beautiful in many ways inside out. Behind your illness is a fun, loving, kind, and wonderful person. You are priceless. You’re worth being loved and cared for. You’re worth more than money or material things. You can’t be replaced. You are worth being loved, finding recovery, and finding joy.
  • You’re important. You might not see it, but you are important. Your life has meaning, and you have meaning. You are more than a person struggling with a horrible illness. You make a difference in this world even if you can’t see it. You touch people’s lives with a smile, a kind word, a gesture, and much more. You are important to the people who love you. You’re important to society. Your knowledge and abilities can make a difference in the world.
  • You can’t be a good friend without self-love. When you don’t love yourself, you can’t see past your self-hate to care for another person. Friends care and love each other selflessly. They give each other a part of themselves. How can you give a part of yourself if you don’t even like yourself? If you love yourself, you can give that to others and share in their joys and hard times. But without love you can’t see beyond your own misery to give to others.
  • God loves you. God made you and he loves you endlessly. He doesn’t make mistakes. He made you beautiful and wonderful in many ways.

If these are not enough reasons to learn to love yourself, then what are? Look deep in yourself and list the different things about yourself you like. On index cards write nice things about yourself and place them around your home or room. Each day read those cards. Split a piece of paper in half, on one side write a bad thought about yourself and on the other side write something positive about yourself. Work with a therapist to learn techniques on how to love yourself.

Once you love yourself, you’ll see the world in a different way. You’ll have healthier relationships, your future will be brighter, and you’ll feel better.  Remember you are worth it, you’re important. and you deserve it. Don’t worry if you fall in a rut and struggle with liking yourself. When this happens, pull out those index cards and read them; write that list again and remind yourself why you love the person you are. It took me years to love myself inside and out, and at times I struggle with self-love. When I struggle, I journal about the things I like about myself and I remind myself the reasons why I should love myself. Because I practice self-love, I have wonderful friends, a loving relationship with my husband, and a happy life in the light of recovery.

A LIGHT IN THE DARK

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

In the light of recovery

Life’s challenges send me

Into the dark.

On the edge of the hole, I teeter.

A fiery flare of emotions

Burns inside me.

Tears fall like

A torrential rainstorm.

Sadness stings me like

A frozen blast of winter air.

It’s as if I’m

Carrying a boulder alone,

My inner pain unseen.

My energy drained.

On the couch I lie,

Unable to fight.

To friends I turn;

They listen and encourage me;

Their support shines a light

Into my darkness.

I step back from the edge;

I work my way back

             To the light of recovery.

SURVIVING AND THRIVING

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

October is a special month for me. It’s not because of Halloween, but something dearer to my heart. It’s special because it’s breast cancer awareness month. Some of you may know that I am a breast cancer survivor. This year is six years cancer free. This month we celebrate those who are fighting, those who fought, and those who survived. We also bring awareness to this awful disease.

I can remember the phone call I got six years ago telling me they found something in my mammogram. Tears filled my eyes, and fear filled my soul. I sat in the bathroom at work with my phone, tearfully telling my husband. He talked to me until I calmed down. Then I pulled myself together and went to work. The days and weeks after that were nightmares. I had to get a biopsies in three spots.

After the biopsies they took me to a room where I sat for several minutes. Then a lady came in; I wasn’t sure if she was a doctor, a nurse, or a technician. She stood in front of me and told me there was a high chance I had breast cancer, but the results of the biopsies would not be in for a couple of days. I left the room crying and entered the waiting room where my husband was waiting.

The worst part was waiting for the results over Memorial Day weekend. It was painstaking. I couldn’t help but worry, cry, and worry some more. The day after Memorial Day I did not get a phone call with my results, so the next day I called in the morning, and they said the doctor would call me back. By lunchtime I called again, and they told me the same thing: the doctor would call. My husband and I went to my parents’ house, and I called the doctor’s office once again. This time the doctor called a few minutes later and the words, “You have cancer,” tore my insides apart.

I was lucky. Because I did my yearly mammogram my cancer was caught early, and I didn’t need chemo. However, my journey was not easy. I had the BRCA gene which can cause both breast and ovarian cancer. I had to choose to either have a lumpectomy and risk the chance of cancer returning or eliminate the risks by undergoing a double mastectomy. I agonized over this decision. How could I give up the part of my body that made me a woman? But I couldn’t risk getting cancer again. So, I got a double mastectomy and three months after that a full hysterectomy.

I grieved over the loss of my breasts. I struggled with the decision of possibly going through more surgeries to get reconstruction. I worried that I would look ugly without breasts and my husband wouldn’t look at me the same, but I hated the idea of going through more surgeries. I decided to go flat-chested. Well, not completely flat. I have some extra skin left in case I decide to get reconstruction. There’s enough skin to wear a size A cup bra.

It took time to learn to love myself as a woman without breasts. Six years later I’m happy not having to wear bras, to not have them bounce, to not get rashes under them, and to be a survivor. My story could be a lot worse if I hadn’t gotten my yearly mammogram. The BRCA gene makes cancer more aggressive. If I hadn’t gotten my yearly test, I may not have been here today.

If I see another woman struggling with cancer, I make it a point to tell her I’m a survivor and I’m praying for her. I’ve gotten tearful hugs; I’ve listened to women talk about their battles, and I have cried with them. No one’s struggle is easy or the same.

I am happy with my body and my husband tells me each day how beautiful I am. I look in the mirror and see my scarred chest and smile. I smile because I fought a horrible battle and now I’m a survivor and I’m thriving. I’m proud to tell others about how I kicked cancer’s butt. When my friends complain about their bras and the inconveniences of having breasts, I rub it in that I no longer have to deal with that.

Many have excuses for not getting their mammograms. They don’t have the time, they are too scared, it’s an uncomfortable procedure, and so on. Your life is too important not to get a mammogram. Chances are if you catch cancer early enough, you can live a long prosperous life.

I’m proud of my journey to beat cancer and I love my body the way it is. My scars are my badges of honor. I’m a survivor who is thriving in the light of recovery.

ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

We all experience life with different perceptions. We go through life’s struggles and each person’s journey is different. What may seem like a minor bad point in a person’s life may seem like a major one in another person’s life. Someone may feel sad about a situation, while another person may feel happy. No person on earth experiences life the same or feels the same emotions as another. Everyone’s feelings are valid even if we don’t feel the same or understand them.

Feelings are a tricky thing especially when it comes to mental illness. It is so hard to understand why a person with a good life could fall deep into sadness. It’s even more difficult to understand how a person could feel so hopeless and depressed that he or she would want to commit suicide.

A friend’s aunt came in my line at work. I told her that her nephew was really struggling with depression.

She looked at me and said, “What does he have to be depressed about?”

I was taken back by her response. It was like she couldn’t understand her nephew’s feelings of sadness. This happens a lot to people with mental illness. Many don’t understand those struggling and they shrug them off like their feelings are not important, when they are very important.

After my mastectomy I struggled with grief for the loss of my breasts. Many of my friends told me that I didn’t need them anyway and I should be happy they were gone. Some said they were envious of me and would love to get rid of theirs. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings of grief and depression.  This made me feel even worse. It’s like my loss was a joke to them, and it wasn’t. I lost a part of my body, a part that made me a woman, and yes at times I wished I didn’t have them, but when it came to having them removed, it was like a piece of me was stolen from me. The hardest battle for me with breast cancer was dealing with my loss, and having friends who didn’t take my grief seriously made me feel even worse.

This has happened with my mental illness too. I had lived two years in recovery from mental illness. I had friends, I was living in an apartment with a friend, and I had a boyfriend. Then suddenly I fell down that hole of depression. I felt hopeless, depressed, useless, and worthless. Some people didn’t take my feelings seriously. It didn’t make sense to them that I would feel those emotions when it seemed like I had a good life. To them I had no reason to feel bad. This made me feel even more alone. The more my feelings were not taken seriously, the worse my depression got.

Years after I recovered from mental illness, I went to a friend’s house for a dinner. There was a group of us. They talked about a girl we all knew. The girl got upset and locked herself in the bathroom during a party. The girl told them her life was hopeless and she felt like she had nothing to live for. The group of girls who told me about it said that she was doing it for attention. They didn’t take her feelings seriously. They thought she was a joke when she was crying for help. To the girl her feelings were real and very overpowering. By locking herself in the bathroom and telling the group her feelings she was begging for help, and they didn’t listen. By not validating her feelings and noticing her call for help they made her feel more depressed, and she injured herself.

When I was in school there was a girl who kept talking about taking her life. I knew nothing about mental illness or that I was suffering with it. I thought she was telling us that for attention. She told me she was sad, and I thought she was a spoiled child craving attention. The teachers at my school never took her cries for help and feelings seriously either. She never got the help she needed because no one would listen to her or validate her feelings. I found out many years later she struggled with mental illness and was never able to get the proper help she needed. She has been living in an inner hell since she was a kid and it led to a very rough life.

     Everyone’s feelings are real and valid even if we don’t understand them or find a good reason for them. With mental illness the darkness, the feeling of hopelessness, the worthlessness, and inner anguish is very real. Not recognizing the person’s feelings and letting him or her know you acknowledge how they feel can be detrimental. It can lead a person deeper into his or her mental illness and can lead to suicide attempts or suicide.

When a person turns to you and tells you he or she is feeling depressed, that person is confiding in you and asking for help. Say you’re there for him or her, suggest he or she gets help, and listen to him or her. Don’t brush the person off or ask them, “What do you have to be depressed about?” Never assume the person is just trying to get attention. Don’t turn that person in to a joke you can talk about with your friends. Those feelings the person has been struggling with are very real, and if he or she is telling you about them then it is to ask you for help. Don’t ignore him or her. Validate his or her feelings.

Many years ago, when I confided in my mom my feelings, she went out of her way to get me help. Because people who care about me, friends, and family, validated my feelings, I got help and I dance in the light of recovery.