Tag: depression

REASONS WHY MY LIFE IS IMPORTANT

Published on by Aimee Eddy5 Comments

I started watching a Netflix series called 13 Reasons Why; it is about a young girl who was bullied at school and sexually harassed at school until she committed suicide. The series speaks to me because in some ways I was in the shoes of the girl the show is about. It goes through many reasons why she took her life, and it hits home with me. I wanted to die when I was being bullied. I daydreamed about something horrible happening to me, resulting in my death.

Life is hard and especially harder for others. Sometimes a series of things or just one thing happens to a person to make life seem impossible to live. Some may ask how anyone could even think about taking their life, and no one can truly know what is happening inside a person. You don’t know what can drive a person to suicide unless you have been at that breaking point, but that doesn’t make it right. It’s hard when you’re at that point to see any other way out of your inner anguish, but there is a way. There are many reasons to live and push forward.

I had many reasons why I wanted to die when I was in school: my classmates picked on me, some of my teachers put me down, my friends either moved away or turned their backs on me, I felt alone, I felt worthless, and I thought I was the ugly one in my family. In spite of that, there are reasons my life is important which I’m going to list:

  • My parents loved me for who I was no matter what. My parents loved everything about me. They didn’t care if I was a tomboy or that my room was messy. They saw me for the person I was, and they loved me for that. If I took my life they would have been devastated.
  • I had dreams to fulfill. I dreamed of becoming a published author. I wrote many short stories and entered them into contests. I didn’t know that I would publish my own memoir that would help many, but I would have never found that out if I had ended my life.
  • I was smart and had a lot to accomplish. Despite my learning disability, I was an intelligent person. I just had to work harder to succeed at school. Once I found out that I was intelligent, I made the merit roll, honor roll, published stories, and made the National Honor Society. I would never have accomplished all that if I had taken my life.
  • I made a difference in people’s lives. Even though I felt alone, I was making a difference in people’s lives. I was friends with a girl whose home life was bad and I gave her someone to lean on. I became best friends with a girl who also was being bullied and we became inseparable. I even became close to her sisters and mother. My parents and grandparents’ lives were beautiful with me in it. If I died, they would all have been hurt and very sad.
  • I had a bright future ahead of me. At that time to me my future seemed dim, but it was bright. I proved I could accomplish a lot despite a learning disability, and my future was waiting for me. I had plans for college and dreams to become a published author. I had several acceptance letters to colleges. Now I am a published author, I have a college degree, I’ve worked the same job for twenty-nine years, I work for a nonprofit helping others with mental illness, and I would have never accomplished all this if I weren’t alive.
  • My life story could help people. In high school I wrote fictional stories based on the bullying I faced. I was determined to prove myself and that helped me accomplish a lot. I was an example that anyone could succeed. As an adult I have overcome bullying, a learning disability, mental illness, and relationship abuse and many see me as an inspiration. I tell my story in this blog and in my memoir and it helps people. If I had died, I would have never been able to tell my story to the world.

If you are feeling suicidal, write out a list of why your life is important, and dig deep inside you to find those reasons. Ask people in your life why you are important to them. You’ll find that your life is worth living. There are a lot of reasons to be on this earth living your life and fighting for happiness. Instead of coming up with 13 reasons why you should end your life, come up with 13 reasons why you should live your life.

Because I never succeeded at taking my life I live a beautiful life with a wonderful husband, lots of memories, a good job, and lots of happiness. I stand tall in the light of recovery glad to be alive.

BEING THANKFUL

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of year. Thanksgiving is getting closer and closer. People are busy planning big meals to celebrate with friends and family. It’s a time of sharing and being grateful for the things we have in our lives. But for many this holiday and other holidays are dreaded. Some struggle with anxiety about spending time with large groups of people, some are alone, some are struggling with depression and can’t find joy, some dread family drama, and some are spending the holidays without a loved one.

When I was younger, I hated holidays. They only made me feel more alone and depressed. I struggled with friends coming in and out of my life. My classmates and teachers put me down. I felt even more isolated from the world during the holidays. Thanksgiving left me feeling like there was nothing in my life to be thankful for. I fell into a depression and became irritable at the holidays. I fought with my siblings and easily went off on my parents.

When I met my husband, my perspective on holidays changed. He made everything brighter. He gave me reasons to celebrate, and with him I never feel or felt alone. I found things to be thankful for at Thanksgiving time.

This holiday season my husband and I are struggling financially, and I’m helping him search for a job. I feel stressed, sad, and overwhelmed. Thanksgiving is Thursday, and I have been wondering what I have to be thankful for. My husband is out of work, bills are adding up, we’re applying for jobs for him, but no one is calling, we have big decisions to make, and I don’t know how to make them. I feel depression tugging at me, but I’m fighting it.

To get into the holiday spirit I decided to write a list of things I’m thankful for. Here is my list:

  • I’m thankful for friends who have helped my husband and me in our time of need. A customer who has become a friend sent me a check, a friend brought us dog food and a gift card, and another friend gave us a turkey breast.
  • I’m thankful to have a house to live in. Despite how tough things are for us, we still have a roof over our heads.
  • I’m thankful for my husband. I wouldn’t want to go through these tough times with anyone else.
  • I’m thankful for my parents. My parents are always giving moral support, listening to us, and helping us out in anyway they can. Their love is endless.
  • I’m thankful for the food bank at our church. Without the food bank, we would not have food.
  • I’m thankful for my dog, Esther. She always seems to know when I’m struggling, and she gives me extra cuddles.
  • I’m thankful for being strong enough to fight depression. I could easily fall to the bottom of my hole of darkness, but I refuse to let that happen.
  • I’m thankful for having a family that loves me. My parents are wonderful, and so are my siblings. They show me in different ways how much they care.
  • I’m thankful for my job. Without my job, we would be in even worse shape. Talking to my customers brightens my day.

Thanksgiving is a time to look at your life and see what you have to be grateful for. When you are struggling with hard times and mental illness, it’s hard to find good things. If you think about it and list things you are thankful for, you might find light in your soul. You can be grateful for small things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, or going for a walk. No matter how bad things seem, there is always something in your life to be thankful for.

This holiday season I have been struggling with a lot of emotions and coping to keep above the hole, but writing a list of what I am thankful for is helping me celebrate in the light of recovery.

COPING WITH STRESS

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Stress causes physical and mental health problems such as stomach issues, weakened immune system, high blood pressure, tense muscles causing aches and pain, depression, and anxiety. We all deal with some type of stress in our lives, but when you have mental illness stress can make your illness worse. With mental illness minor things can stress you out and it can lead to self-injury, anxiety attacks, and suicide attempts.

The important thing is to know how to cope with stress so that you can reach towards the light of recovery or stay in the light of recovery. Here are some coping techniques I learned to deal with stress:

  • Identify your trigger. What types of things cause you to be stressed? Could it be dealing with family problems, could it be taking on too much responsibility, could it be making important decisions, or working long hours? List your triggers in a journal or on a sheet of paper. I keep a list of my triggers in my journal.
  • Reduce your to-do list. If you are doing too much, then cut your list down. See what is most important for you to complete, and leave the other things for another time. If work stresses you out, then determine if you need a different job or if you can reduce the number of hours you work. I work part time because working full time is too stressful for me and causes my anxiety to heighten.
  • Practice relaxation. Find something to do that relaxes you such as listening to music, deep breathing, trying yoga, practicing mindfulness, taking a bath, going for a walk, or doing a craft. Everyone has different ways or things they do that help them relax. Find something that works for you. I find woodburning, imagining lying on a beach, and deep breathing relaxing.
  • Turn to your support system. If you don’t have a support system, build one. Having friends and family that support you is very helpful with your mental illness and dealing with stress. If you’re feeling stressed, talk to someone in your support system, make plans to meet for lunch, send a text or invite them over. Leaning on others who can encourage you, listen to you, and who can help you see a different perspective will help you handle your feelings and stress better. When I’m stressed out, I lean on my husband and friends. My friend, Cheryl, and my husband always help me see things in a different way and find away to get me to laugh.
  • Ask for help. If you can’t deal with your stress on your own, consider going to therapy. A therapist can work with you on different coping techniques that will help you. If you are taking too much on, then ask a friend or family member to help you out. If you are making a decision that stresses you out ask someone to guide you with that decision. If you have too much to do, then ask a family member or friend to help you get it done. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. When I have problems with making a decision, I ask my husband for help, and when I have too much to do, I ask my husband to help me out.
  • Know your limits. Know how much you can handle before you get stressed out. Once you know your limits, stick to them. If a friend asks you to put together a baby shower for her and it pushes past your limits, kindly tell your friend you can’t do it. If working two jobs is too much, then just work one. If everyone is asking you to do something for them and it causes you stress, then only take on what you feel comfortable with and tell the others no. There is nothing wrong with limiting how much you do for your own wellbeing. I only do as much as I feel comfortable with. If it is more than I can handle, then I tell people no or I do less.
  • Take care of yourself. If you take care of your physical and mental health, you will be able to handle stress better. Get plenty of sleep, eat well, practice coping techniques, take your medicine, and pamper yourself when you need to. When I’m stressed it is easy to skip a meal or lose sleep by worrying too much. I try to journal out my worries before bed, and I make sure I eat three meals a day. If I’m worrying too much and can’t sleep, I talk to my husband, and he helps me talk things out so I can sleep.
  • Challenge your negative thoughts and practice positive thinking. If you’re thinking negative things, turn them into positive thoughts. Try to practice positive thinking to keep your spirits up. Bad thoughts only bring you down and make you feel hopeless. I journal out my negative thoughts and then change them to positive ones. When I’m negative, my husband reminds me to be positive. I notice when I focus on the positive, I feel better.

When stress starts to drag you down that dark hole, practice these coping techniques. Don’t let stress cause you physical health problems and worsen your mental health. You are important and it’s important to know how to take care of yourself by managing your stress with coping techniques. Sometimes there is stress in your life you just can’t avoid, but by coping with it you can handle it better.

By managing my stress, I relax in the light of recovery.

LIFE’S ROADBLOCKS

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

“Give it to God and all your anxiety and stress will ease,” they tell me. I lie in my bed at night praying really hard for my worries to ease, my inner pain to go away, and for strength, but I feel no better. Is it because I’m not a good Christian, am I not praying the right way, or have I lost my connection with God? With mental illness it’s very hard to just let go of stress and anxiety, especially when life is putting up so many roadblocks. Praying doesn’t just take away my racing thoughts, anguish, tense muscles, and upset stomach. My mind won’t stop.

Life has been a challenge for a couple years since my husband’s workplace started remodeling. I held on to the hope that once the remodeling was done, he would be back to his full-time hours, and we would be on our feet again. Then when the remodeling ended, my husband got his hours back for a short time, but suddenly they cut him down to two days a week. He got unemployment, but not enough to pay all our bills. I told my boss to take me off express register and go to regular register, despite scoliosis and screws in my back so I could get more hours. We emptied our Christmas funds to pay some bills, and we still could not pay them all.

We started searching for jobs. We put in application after application only to hear nothing back. When my husband followed up, they told him they were still looking over applications. My husband felt hopeless, my anxiety heightened, and my stress levels went high. We started going to the food bank because we could only get twenty-three dollars in food stamps.

Then suddenly he got a phone interview with a department store. It was the answer to our prayers. He would only be making forty-eight cents less than his current job. We agreed he would still work two days a week at the current job until he got health insurance at the new job. We were excited. Finally, we would get back on our feet. Then suddenly his job of thirty-four years laid him off permanently, leaving him without insurance. Then after working a week and two days at the new job, he and six other new employees were laid off permanently. Suddenly my husband was jobless.

I was at work when my husband told me he lost his second job. I fell apart and had to sit in the manager’s office bawling my eyes out for almost an hour. The coordinator offered me words of encouragement until I was able to calm down. My world crumbled before my eyes. Our hopes were wiped away with one swipe. My worst fear of going broke and losing everything we owned seemed like it was coming true. Will we have to file for bankruptcy? Will we have to move in with my parents until we can get back on our feet? How could we find my husband another job? The worries ripped at my insides and flooded my mind.

My husband has an appointment for a very important test on November thirteen. We have waited for months for this test, but he now has no insurance. How could we pay for the test? So, I called and found out the cost of the test and started a GoFundMe. I raised more than enough for the test, but what if he needs further treatment? I filed for Medicaid for him, and all we can do now is pray he gets it.

My friend told me to give my stress and worries to God and I would feel better. I prayed and prayed for God to give me some peace, but the racing thoughts and endless worries continued. Some days I feel like the air is being squeezed from my lungs. My husband has been struggling to sleep and feeling down. It’s up to me to keep his spirits up, but my insides feel like I’m going to fall to pieces. Life’s roadblocks keep getting bigger and bigger and I can’t see around them.

I asked God, “Why are you not helping us?” “Why are you not easing my anxiety, stress, and worrying?” “Why are you not giving me peace? Is it because I don’t know how to give it to you?”  “Why are you letting all these bad things happen to us?” I stood at the edge of the hole of depression barely able to hold on waiting for an answer from God.

My parents gave us a bunch of coins to turn in for money, people donated so Lou could have his test, and a friend sent us a gift card for a grocery store. My mom also told me about a program that can help us pay an overdue bill, and we’re waiting for the application to apply for it. God has been giving us help to ease some of our burdens, and he’s been carrying us through. I was just too caught up in my emotions to see what God has been doing.

I realized it was my turn to do the work to control my worrying, stress, and anxiety. So, I journal out my worries and feelings, I turn to my support system, and I praise God for the signs that he is working in our lives to get us through this rough time.

God works in mysterious ways to get us through the roadblocks in our lives. Open your eyes to the things that happen in your life that are God’s way of helping you. It might not be as simple as God magically shutting off those racing thoughts and bad feelings, but it could be things put in your life to show you how to find peace. God will get you through life’s roadblocks, but you also must do some work to keep yourself from falling down the hole or falling deeper. Use your coping techniques to deal and let God carry you through.

I know now God is showing me I have nothing to worry about and stress about. He’s giving me the help I need to stay strong during this roadblock in my life. God is holding me in the light of recovery.

REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Each person on this earth is different and special. We have unique qualities that make us beautiful inside and out. There is no such thing as an ugly person. You might think you’re ugly when in fact you’re beautiful in many ways. Sometimes it’s hard to love ourselves. It’s easy to lose your self-esteem and to hate yourself when you struggle with mental illness. Especially when others put you down throughout your life. How do you love that person who’s looking back at you in the mirror? Why should you love yourself?

After being bullied throughout school, I learned to dislike myself. When I was at my worst with mental illness, I began to hate myself even more. I thought I was ugly, stupid, and worthless. As I worked towards recovery, I learned that there were many reasons why I should love myself.

Here are some reasons you should love yourself:

  • You deserve to love yourself. You are a special person, and you deserve all the love you can give yourself. Be kind to yourself especially while you are struggling with mental illness. While darkness is clouding your mind, you need self-love to soothe your aching soul. You deserve the very best. Give it to yourself.
  • You can’t love others until you love yourself. You can think you love another person, but how can you truly feel love for others when you can’t love yourself? You can’t give a part of you to someone else if you can’t give it to yourself. You might find yourself drawn to bad relationships because you think that’s what you deserve, but you don’t deserve that. You deserve a good, loving relationship, but to find that relationship you must love the person you are.
  • You’re worth it. You are unique and beautiful in many ways inside out. Behind your illness is a fun, loving, kind, and wonderful person. You are priceless. You’re worth being loved and cared for. You’re worth more than money or material things. You can’t be replaced. You are worth being loved, finding recovery, and finding joy.
  • You’re important. You might not see it, but you are important. Your life has meaning, and you have meaning. You are more than a person struggling with a horrible illness. You make a difference in this world even if you can’t see it. You touch people’s lives with a smile, a kind word, a gesture, and much more. You are important to the people who love you. You’re important to society. Your knowledge and abilities can make a difference in the world.
  • You can’t be a good friend without self-love. When you don’t love yourself, you can’t see past your self-hate to care for another person. Friends care and love each other selflessly. They give each other a part of themselves. How can you give a part of yourself if you don’t even like yourself? If you love yourself, you can give that to others and share in their joys and hard times. But without love you can’t see beyond your own misery to give to others.
  • God loves you. God made you and he loves you endlessly. He doesn’t make mistakes. He made you beautiful and wonderful in many ways.

If these are not enough reasons to learn to love yourself, then what are? Look deep in yourself and list the different things about yourself you like. On index cards write nice things about yourself and place them around your home or room. Each day read those cards. Split a piece of paper in half, on one side write a bad thought about yourself and on the other side write something positive about yourself. Work with a therapist to learn techniques on how to love yourself.

Once you love yourself, you’ll see the world in a different way. You’ll have healthier relationships, your future will be brighter, and you’ll feel better.  Remember you are worth it, you’re important. and you deserve it. Don’t worry if you fall in a rut and struggle with liking yourself. When this happens, pull out those index cards and read them; write that list again and remind yourself why you love the person you are. It took me years to love myself inside and out, and at times I struggle with self-love. When I struggle, I journal about the things I like about myself and I remind myself the reasons why I should love myself. Because I practice self-love, I have wonderful friends, a loving relationship with my husband, and a happy life in the light of recovery.

A LIGHT IN THE DARK

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

In the light of recovery

Life’s challenges send me

Into the dark.

On the edge of the hole, I teeter.

A fiery flare of emotions

Burns inside me.

Tears fall like

A torrential rainstorm.

Sadness stings me like

A frozen blast of winter air.

It’s as if I’m

Carrying a boulder alone,

My inner pain unseen.

My energy drained.

On the couch I lie,

Unable to fight.

To friends I turn;

They listen and encourage me;

Their support shines a light

Into my darkness.

I step back from the edge;

I work my way back

             To the light of recovery.

ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

We all experience life with different perceptions. We go through life’s struggles and each person’s journey is different. What may seem like a minor bad point in a person’s life may seem like a major one in another person’s life. Someone may feel sad about a situation, while another person may feel happy. No person on earth experiences life the same or feels the same emotions as another. Everyone’s feelings are valid even if we don’t feel the same or understand them.

Feelings are a tricky thing especially when it comes to mental illness. It is so hard to understand why a person with a good life could fall deep into sadness. It’s even more difficult to understand how a person could feel so hopeless and depressed that he or she would want to commit suicide.

A friend’s aunt came in my line at work. I told her that her nephew was really struggling with depression.

She looked at me and said, “What does he have to be depressed about?”

I was taken back by her response. It was like she couldn’t understand her nephew’s feelings of sadness. This happens a lot to people with mental illness. Many don’t understand those struggling and they shrug them off like their feelings are not important, when they are very important.

After my mastectomy I struggled with grief for the loss of my breasts. Many of my friends told me that I didn’t need them anyway and I should be happy they were gone. Some said they were envious of me and would love to get rid of theirs. I felt like they didn’t validate my feelings of grief and depression.  This made me feel even worse. It’s like my loss was a joke to them, and it wasn’t. I lost a part of my body, a part that made me a woman, and yes at times I wished I didn’t have them, but when it came to having them removed, it was like a piece of me was stolen from me. The hardest battle for me with breast cancer was dealing with my loss, and having friends who didn’t take my grief seriously made me feel even worse.

This has happened with my mental illness too. I had lived two years in recovery from mental illness. I had friends, I was living in an apartment with a friend, and I had a boyfriend. Then suddenly I fell down that hole of depression. I felt hopeless, depressed, useless, and worthless. Some people didn’t take my feelings seriously. It didn’t make sense to them that I would feel those emotions when it seemed like I had a good life. To them I had no reason to feel bad. This made me feel even more alone. The more my feelings were not taken seriously, the worse my depression got.

Years after I recovered from mental illness, I went to a friend’s house for a dinner. There was a group of us. They talked about a girl we all knew. The girl got upset and locked herself in the bathroom during a party. The girl told them her life was hopeless and she felt like she had nothing to live for. The group of girls who told me about it said that she was doing it for attention. They didn’t take her feelings seriously. They thought she was a joke when she was crying for help. To the girl her feelings were real and very overpowering. By locking herself in the bathroom and telling the group her feelings she was begging for help, and they didn’t listen. By not validating her feelings and noticing her call for help they made her feel more depressed, and she injured herself.

When I was in school there was a girl who kept talking about taking her life. I knew nothing about mental illness or that I was suffering with it. I thought she was telling us that for attention. She told me she was sad, and I thought she was a spoiled child craving attention. The teachers at my school never took her cries for help and feelings seriously either. She never got the help she needed because no one would listen to her or validate her feelings. I found out many years later she struggled with mental illness and was never able to get the proper help she needed. She has been living in an inner hell since she was a kid and it led to a very rough life.

     Everyone’s feelings are real and valid even if we don’t understand them or find a good reason for them. With mental illness the darkness, the feeling of hopelessness, the worthlessness, and inner anguish is very real. Not recognizing the person’s feelings and letting him or her know you acknowledge how they feel can be detrimental. It can lead a person deeper into his or her mental illness and can lead to suicide attempts or suicide.

When a person turns to you and tells you he or she is feeling depressed, that person is confiding in you and asking for help. Say you’re there for him or her, suggest he or she gets help, and listen to him or her. Don’t brush the person off or ask them, “What do you have to be depressed about?” Never assume the person is just trying to get attention. Don’t turn that person in to a joke you can talk about with your friends. Those feelings the person has been struggling with are very real, and if he or she is telling you about them then it is to ask you for help. Don’t ignore him or her. Validate his or her feelings.

Many years ago, when I confided in my mom my feelings, she went out of her way to get me help. Because people who care about me, friends, and family, validated my feelings, I got help and I dance in the light of recovery.

MY NEXT MEMOIR

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

It’s been a little while since I worked on my next memoir, The Years After the Garage. With all the hard times going on in my life, I haven’t been in the right mind set to relive my past. Plus, I’m learning a new role at One Life Project and that has been exciting, scary, and a bit overwhelming. Today, Saturday the twenty-eighth, I had the day off from work and it happened to be when Pennwriters meet in person. I haven’t been to an in person meeting in months. So, I printed out chapter one of my memoir and took it to the group.

I arrived there a little before one o’clock. There were some people I knew and some people who were new to me. I have reworked chapter one a couple of times, trying to make sure this book could keep the readers interest if they had not read the first one. That involved giving some details about things that happened in the first book. Details like coffee break was a break that the guys at E.L. Eddy and Sons Garage took. The new people who never read the first book said the memoir worked well as a stand-alone book. Even those who read the first book agreed.

One woman asked if I should add my perspective from me as an adult looking back. I explained that would take my readers out of the story. A good memoir brings the readers into the story and allows them to live each part with the author. I want my readers to cry, to get mad, to feel sad, to laugh, and to rejoice with the teenage me. This shows the readers what it’s like to go through bullying and to slide into mental illness. If I put the adult me into it, then I take the readers out of the story.

Minor grammar errors were found in my chapter. It was suggested to cut the chapter into two chapters, but that would make one eight pages long and the other one four pages long. I’m not sure if I can have chapters in such different lengths. I may have to add to the four pages chapter. When I got home, I talked with another memoir writer and posted on We Love Memoirs Authors group on Facebook to ask about the chapter lengths. Once I figure out what to do, I will know if I need to add, and then I will work on that. By splitting chapters I went from six chapters to eight, putting me further along in my memoir.

My first book was about bullying and finding acceptance from family. The second book focuses on mental illness and the accomplishments I make despite being sick. It shows the pressure I put on myself to succeed. What helps me deal with the mental illness is my writing and woodburning. The bullying I face in this book is a little different than what I faced in grade school. Bullying comes in many forms such as gossip, physical abuse, destruction of personal objects, and being ignored. I’m not going to tell you which one of these I face in the next book.

One theme I want to make clear in this book is that even though a person has mental illness, he or she can still accomplish a lot in his or her life. Mental illness doesn’t mean you cannot fulfill your dreams or succeed at your goals. I achieved a lot while struggling with my illness. It did make things harder, and I put myself through hell to reach my goals, but I did it. This book will show that.

The good news is after this meeting I am inspired to keep working on my next memoir. I came home and split a couple chapters up and reworked some scenes. I wanted to get this book done in two years, but it’s already been a year since I started it. I can’t write every day like many authors do. I write when I’m emotionally strong enough and inspired. I do hope it won’t take me four years to write it like it did the first one.

If you want to keep updated monthly on what is going on with my writing and One Life Project, sign up for my newsletter at http://eepurl.com/iuzWqw and get a gift for signing up.

Writing is my way of healing from the past and dealing with my emotions. When I’m not working on a book, I’m journaling. Releasing my feelings and past in words helps me stay in the light of recovery.

A NEW ROLE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

We take on many roles in our lives such as the caregiver, the supporter, the listener and the one needing to be taken care of. As our lives and situations change, we can take on many different roles. Sometimes we get used to being in one role, and it suddenly changes. When you have mental illness, sometimes you get stuck in a self-absorbtion. The only problems and things you can handle are your own problems, and you can barely handle them. When you reach recovery, that changes.

When I was struggling with mental illness, I barely made it from day to day. I could barely handle the agony inside me. I couldn’t make decisions, I could barely eat, I couldn’t handle the deep sadness within me, and so on. When my friends and family members were having a hard time, I couldn’t see past my inner pain to be of any support to them. I was so absorbed by my own problems that the only role I could play was the person who closed herself off from the world.

Then I reached recovery, and I took on new roles. I became supportive and a good listener. Then I started having health problems, and my husband became my caregiver, my strength, and support. He has sat in many waiting rooms while I’ve gone through surgeries and tests. I became the person in need of extra care. He’s also been very supportive when I have bad days with my mental illness, and he’s always had a positive side to my negative side. When I felt like giving up, he encouraged me to keep going. I have been dependent on him for many things, and he has always given without complaining.

Now life has thrown some big rocks in my husband’s path, and our roles have changed. He has become more dependent on me. He has struggled with health problems which have put me in the caregiver role. I waited for hours in two different ERs with him and in waiting rooms of doctors.

Then his job started cutting his hours way down, trying to force him to retire. It has come to the point that they are only giving him two days a week. I have been helping him search for jobs and fill out applications. No one has been calling him for interviews, and he’s feeling discouraged. Instead of being the positive one, he has become negative. I have become the one that points out the positive and encourages him. I’m not used to this role change, but I’m taking it on with support from my support team.

I’m not only being supportive of my husband, but also of my older sister who is struggling with eye issues. I called and scheduled her an appointment with a retina special in Erie, even though she lives forty-five minutes away in New York state. My husband and I have been driving to pick her up for appointments and drive her back home. She’s currently waiting for the test results and is worrying about them. I am listening to her and being supportive. I’m providing her with the encouragement she needs.

I’ve also taken on a role as a leader in One Life Project. I have been promoted from president’s assistant to executive president of educational outreach and advocacy. I’m stepping away from my role as a follower to the role of a leader. I’m still learning this new role, but I feel proud of myself for taking on this new position. Throughout my life I have shied away from leadership roles and hid behind the scenes. I let others lead the way for me, but now I am standing taller as I learn to be the one in front. I’m proud of this new position at One Life Project.

I came from being the person who couldn’t handle anyone’s problems, let alone my own, to the person supporting and encouraging. I went from needing to be taken care of to taking care of others. I went from being led to being a leader. These roles are new to me, but I’m proud of myself for coming this far to be able to handle these roles. I’m happy to be able to support others in their time of need and to give back to my husband what he has been giving selflessly to me.

You may feel like you will never be able to take care of anyone, not even yourself, but with hard work in time you will take on a new role. Keep fighting for recovery because when you reach it, you’ll become a new person. You’ll become the kind of person others can depend on. When you do reach recovery, you’ll be strong enough to take on new roles. Roles you once thought you could never handle.

In my new roles I feel proud of myself and stronger. Taking on these new roles helps me stand taller in the light of recovery.

CATASTORPHIZING

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

This week was a very busy week for me and my husband and on Saturday Lou and I took a four-hour trip to Harrisburg and back for an event for One Life Project. So, this week I’m reposting an older post.

When you’re in the depth of the dark hole of depression it is easy for your thinking to become distorted. There are several types of cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification (catastrophizing)and so on. It’s easy for your thoughts to take on a life of their own, sending you deeper into your illness. You become stuck in a defeating pattern of anguish.

It’s easy to take a small incident and in your mind turn it into a catastrophe. David D. Burns, M.D.’s book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy lists this type of thinking as magnification (catastrophizing). It describes it as exaggerating the importance of things. It’s taking a simple mistake and turning it into a disaster or worse. Just recently I found myself caught in this type of thinking and I wanted to share it with you.

Just a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving I got sick. I had to take two weeks off work. I had my doctor send an excuse for my absence. When I was feeling better, I had my doctor send a return to work note. When I came back, they were surprised to see me. They thought I would be out longer. I worked three days the week of Thanksgiving. We get our schedules online or on an app on our phones. The day after Thanksgiving I checked my app and there was no schedule for the following week. I called the store where I work and was told I wasn’t on the schedule. The coordinator (takes care of the front end and gives breaks) said he would message the front-end manager to find out why.

Early that day I received a paper about applying for disability through work. Before Thanksgiving the store’s personnel manager asked me why I had a doctor’s note to be on express checkout. I explained to her it was because I have osteoporosis, and it is worse in my back. She told me they would try to accommodate me but at times I may have to go on full size register.

After hearing the coordinator saying I didn’t have a schedule my mind went crazy. I became determined that personnel was forcing me to take a leave of absence. Osteoporosis doesn’t just go away. It can improve with treatment, but it doesn’t suddenly get better. I have had one infusion so far to stop it’s progression. It would take time to improve. If I had to take a leave, I would never be able to return. It could take years for my bones to become strong enough for me to lift heavy items and to work regular register.

A simple problem suddenly grew into a catastrophe. If I am forced to take a leave, I will lose my job. I can’t sit around home all day and do nothing. I need my job. It’s how I manage my depression. Without my job I would slip deep into my illness. I wouldn’t see my customers anymore and I’d lose my insurance which pays for my medication, part of my infusion, my psychiatrist, and many health problems. I could apply for Social Security disability but that could take a long time and we would go broke and lose our home.

I ran upstairs and woke my husband. I told him what happened and began crying.

He wrapped his arms around me. “It’s probably a mistake. Don’t worry about it.”

I cried harder. “I’m not stupid. I know what they are doing. They are making me take a leave because I have osteoporosis. That’s why they sent me the disability papers.”

Lou wiped my tears away. “Come to bed. You need to be up here with me.”

I went back downstairs and shut the lights off and went to bed. I lay in Lou’s arms and cried uncontrollably. Lou held me, telling me everything was going to be okay.

I sniffled. “I can’t lose my job. I can’t be stuck at home all the time. I can’t go back into depression. They can’t do this to me.”

“Now, now, you’re not going to lose your job. Tomorrow you’ll talk to your manager. It’s probably a mistake. They wouldn’t make you take a leave without talking to you,” Lou whispered.

I buried my face in his chest. “I know what they are doing. They don’t want me working there because I have osteoporosis. I’ll lose my job. I wish I would have killed myself years ago.”

Lou continued to comfort me until eventually I cried myself to sleep. The next morning my manager contacted me. She said because I was off work the company took me out of the computer and she was unable to put me on the schedule. She apologized and assured she would get me a schedule for the following week when she got to work, and she did. The union representative said I probably received the disability papers because they thought I was going to be on sick leave longer than I was.

I took a simple situation and turned it into a catastrophe. I let my mind magnify me not being on to the schedule into something horrible when it was a simple flaw that could easily be fixed. Even in recovery I can have times where distorted thinking takes control of my mind. Who knows what I would have done if my husband wasn’t there to comfort me? I might have hurt myself over a simple mistake.

If you find yourself magnifying a simple incident into a catastrophe, turn to someone who can help you talk it out and see your thinking is distorted. Get David D. Burns, M.D.’s book Feeling Good and read through the types of cognitive distortions and identify which ones you struggle with. Talk to a therapist about them and learn how to change your pattern of thinking into something more positive and how to cope when the distortions become overbearing. Educate your support system about the types of cognitive distortions you struggle with so they can help you.

Through this blog I have educated my husband and friends about the cognitive distortions I struggle with. My husband and friends are good at using what they learned to help me. Without my husband that night I might have harmed myself. I’m happy to have a husband who talked to me and held me until I was calm enough to sleep. With his help I stand in the light of recovery.