Tag: depression

KEEPING FEARS IN CHECK

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Fears can be either realistic or unrealistic. If you’re afraid you are going to get hurt walking on a floor full of holes, that is realistic, but fear of things like heights is unrealistic. Standing at the top of a lighthouse with railings around you will not cause you harm. With mental illness, unrealistic fears are made bigger in the mind of the person struggling, causing anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. In order to ease anxiety, a person needs to find a way to keep those fears in check.

As you read in my last post, my dad has bone cancer and I’m struggling with it. My fears are causing me to have anxiety attacks and giving me the feeling that I’m losing control of my depression and emotions. It began with the fear that my dad would become very sick from the chemo, but so far he’s only had mild side effects. Then the fear grew bigger to thinking the longer he’s on chemo, the sicker he’ll get. The fears kept growing; my dad is suffering from fatigue from his treatments. What if he gets depressed and gives up? If he gives up, his health will decline. My dad’s immune system is gone because of the chemo; what if he catches an illness and ends up in the hospital? What if he dies of a sickness he gets instead of chemo?

The fears just keep growing and new ones sprout up. I feel my chest tighten and my throat aches like a fist of emotions are being pushed up through it. I cry, I feel sick, and I just want to lie in bed and hide from the world. Everything becomes overwhelming and just holding myself up seems like too much.

I allowed my fears to take control of me, and I haven’t been doing a good job at keeping my fears in check. I am reminding myself to go back to my first fear and evaluate it. Was my fear that my dad would get really sick from chemo realistic? That fear was based on horror stories I heard from others who had bad experiences with chemo. It wasn’t based on facts. Facts are everyone reacts differently to chemo, and there are different types and strengths of chemo. Everyone’s cancer journey and treatments are different. My dad has only had annoying minor effects. Now I look at my first fear and realize it wasn’t a realistic fear. It was more like something to be concerned about, but not something I needed to drive myself into an anxiety attack over.

I realize I need to take control of my fears and keep them in check. I need to acknowledge the realistic fears and unrealistic fears, and then work on stopping them from multiplying. My dad will never give up, he’s a strong man, and his cancer will go in remission, and he will live a long live. I tell myself don’t worry about him catching other illnesses. I can not control the future and worrying about it will only cause me to fall back down the hole.

I have other fears that bring on my anxiety. I worry about our finances, and this causes fears. I fear we won’t be able to pay our bills and will get ourselves so deep in debt that we’ll lose our home and have nothing. We’ll end up being homeless with all our belongings being sold to pay our bills. This fear grew in intensity while my husband was partially laid off over the winter. I looked at that fear and realized how unrealistic it was. Money has been tight, but with managing and arranging payments on bills, we’ve been able to make it through. We have gone to the food bank at our church to keep meals on the table. We still have our home, and our mortgage is always paid.

I have developed a process where I tell my friend and my husband my fears, and they reassure me that I have nothing to worry about. I’ve started journaling out my fears and then looking at them to see which ones are realistic and which ones are not. Most of my fears are unrealistic. I tear apart my unrealistic fears and find a way to think differently. Instead of “We’re having a hard time paying bills and we’re going to lose everything” I now think “We’ll pay what we can, and we’ll be fine.”

Keeping your fears in check is taking your fear and deciding if you have a real reason to be afraid or not. Then stop yourself before the fear grows out of control. It’s not easy to do. It’s a battle with the mind to take your fears under control and to keep them from sending you into an anxiety attack, panic attack or depression.

Say or write down your fear. Then think about the fear and say or write down the facts about the fear. For example: Fear: My dad is going to get depressed and give up. Facts: My dad may get discouraged, but he never gives up on anything. He has a strong faith that keeps him going. He has a loving family that will keep encouraging him. My dad is a very determined man. Looking at the facts shows me that my fear is unrealistic and helps me let go of that fear.

Look at your fears. Write them down and write out the facts. Are your fears realistic or unrealistic? If it’s unrealistic, then take steps to let it go. Doing this will help you keep your fears in check and prevent them from getting out of hand.

I’m working hard on keeping my fears under control. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. In time my fears will take less control over me, and I will stand stronger in the light of recovery.

FACING A ROUGH TIME

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

Cancer has affected almost everyone’s life in some way or another, whether it be a friend, co-worker, family member, or your own journey. Cancer likes to rear its ugly head and leave a wound or scar on the soul. It’s hard to face going through your own cancer and then face it again with a loved one. When you have depression and anxiety, facing hardships like this can deepen your illness or send you down that dark hole again.

When my grandpa got prostate cancer many years ago, they said he’d die of natural causes before he’d die of cancer. The sad thing is the cancer spread throughout his body and he struggled to the end. I kept breaking down so much when I went to see him in the hospital that I couldn’t go see him anymore.

Then when I learned I had breast cancer, my thoughts went back to my grandpa and I thought I was also going to die a miserable death, but I didn’t. I’m still here, proud to be a survivor.

I prayed cancer would never affect our family again, but it has. After a week long vacation, my husband and I came home to the news that my dad has bone cancer. I put on a brave face on for my parents, but when I got home, I broke down. I cried in Lou’s arms. Then in the days after the announcement, I went from okay to falling apart. It became a matter of waiting to see when they would start chemo and the next steps. I didn’t have to go through chemo when I had cancer, but there was a lot of dreaded waiting. Waiting to find out if I had the BRCA gene, waiting to find out what was next, and wondering what was going to happen to me. All those memories returned with my dad. The old emotions and fears resurfaced.

My dad is a handy man and a mechanic. He can fix almost anything. He fixes cars, lawn mowers, and even private airplanes. He has fixed and still fixes many of my vehicles. He does repairs around his own home, has helped remodel his church and has done repairs in my home. If he’s sitting down too long, he thinks he’s being lazy. He gives from the bottom of his heart to his family, friends, and strangers. I don’t always agree on his views, but I love him endlessly. Hearing he has bone cancer sent a knife deep in my heart.

My father has always been a healthy, active man even at seventy-four. Nothing kept him down. His oncologist said his cancer wasn’t life threatening, but they said something similar about Grandpa’s. I can’t bear the thought of losing my dad from a miserable struggle with this horrible disease. This troubled me greatly. I don’t want to lose my dad. I cried more tears in Lou’s arms.

Then my dad had to take a class about his treatment and start shots and chemo. My younger sister came to town to go to appointments with them. I was relieved but I felt guilty. I stress every six months when I go to the cancer center for my checkups, but going there for my dad seemed even more frightening. I just couldn’t do it, but I felt it was my responsibility. My older sister is struggling with health problems, and as the second oldest I should be at my parents’ side while my dad goes through his treatments, but emotionally I can’t handle it.

I remember making the decision to have a double mastectomy and then a full hysterectomy. I cried about it and agonized over it. Then there was the news that I would have to wait six months to do reconstruction and it would take several surgeries for it. I decided not to do reconstruction, and I had to learn to love myself as a woman without breasts. I felt like I was getting one let down one after another. My whole life was changing, and I fell into a depression. Those feelings came back as my dad faced his treatments.

When my sister told me the details of my dad’s treatments, I realized my dad’s life would be forever changed. His food had to be washed before being prepared, masks in public, washing his hands frequently, being susceptible to illnesses, and chemo every day. I felt that anguish inside me like the anguish I felt when I had cancer.

Then as we came closer to the beginning of his treatments, I began to worry obsessively how chemo would affect him. Would he no longer be that active and strong man I always knew? Would he get very sick? Would he need lots of extra care? The worries flooded me, and I felt the sadness of depression taking control. My muscles were tense, my stomach twisted, and the tears came expectantly. I struggled to sleep or even focus on everyday things.

When he made it through his first shots and chemo pill without many problems, I sighed with relief. Now I worry about him catching an illness and ending up in the hospital. I worry about my dad having more side effects from the chemo pill the longer he takes it. The worries flood my mind and I feel like I’m losing control of my illness. I feel the pain of my emotions searing throughout my soul. The tears, the endless worries, and my chest tightening has me struggling to hold on to the edge of my hole. I feel like I’m losing control, and I will be at the bottom of that hole again.

I remind myself this is just a rough time, and I can get back to the top of the hole again. I lean on my support system, I journal my feelings, and I plan to work on some woodburning projects and my next book. I talked to my psychiatrist about my struggles with my depression during this rough time, and he upped my medicine.

Rough times are part of recovery from mental illness and part of the struggle with this sickness. The important part of dealing with rough times is using coping techniques, leaning on your support team, and asking for extra help from your therapist or psychiatrist. There will always be bad things happening in our lives, threatening to make the struggle with or recovery from mental illness rougher, but the most important thing is how you handle it. Don’t let it destroy you or throw you down that hole again. You can get through life’s heartaches and still work towards recovery or stay in recovery.

My dad’s journey has just begun and what is to come is unknown. Our hopes are that he will reach recovery. My struggles with this rough time will take a lot of work and coping, but I will soon stand in the light of recovery again.

SELF-CARE FOR MENTAL HEALTH

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

While struggling with mental illness, we may be so busy with jobs, college, children, and other responsibilities that taking care of ourselves gets pushed away. Or we could be struggling so much that we give up on ourselves. Wherever you are at with the mental illness you are fighting, you must take time out to care for yourself. Self-care is important in all aspects of mental illness, even in recovery.

In my journey through mental illness and as I work to stay in recovery, I came up with a few ways to practice self-care. Here are some important ways to take care of yourself.

  • Eat healthy meals. This is something I am working on. It’s important to watch how much sugary food you place into your body and to put together healthy meals. Add vegetables to your meals, snack on fruits, limit late night snacks, eat out less, and look into preparing wholesome meals.
  • Make time for meals. I always make sure I have three meals a day. If you’re busy, make a plan to take time out of your schedule to eat three meals daily. If you feel depressed and are avoiding eating, then force yourself to take time to eat. Put it on the calendar or set an alarm in your phone to remind you to take the time to eat. Food gives you the nutrients and strength you need to fight this illness. If you don’t eat regularly or avoid eating, you can cause physical health problems for yourself.
  • Take time for relaxation. You can spend money on a spa day, a massage, or a manicure. You can also relax without spending much money at all by taking a bubble bath, doing crafts, watching a funny movie, or listening to music. To relax I woodburn, soak in a bath, or write.
  • Take care of your mental and physical health. Listen to your body; if something doesn’t feel right or you feel sick, take care of yourself. Call off from work, go to the doctor when you need to, and allow yourself time for rest. When you notice you’re not handling your illness well or you’re getting worse, ask for help. Go to your therapist, take your medicine, turn to your support team, or build one, and do coping techniques. I go to the doctor when I need to, and if I don’t, my husband makes sure I do. My husband never lets me work when I’m sick, and when I struggle with my mental illness, I have coping techniques and a wonderful support team.
  • Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having trouble sleeping, talk to your psychiatrist for medications that can help you. Pick a set time at night to go to bed. Shut off your TV, social media, and phone. If you struggle with anxiety or racing thoughts, find a relaxation technique to try like deep breathing, listening to relaxing music, or muscle relaxation. I like to imagine myself lying on a beach with water coming up around me and I do deep breathing.
  • Take care of your basic needs. If you’re really struggling, you might not get out of bed, take a shower, comb your hair, or take care of your hygiene. Make a plan to get out of bed and sit in the living room, or get up and take a shower, or comb your hair, and brush your teeth. Taking care of these needs is important in self-care. When I was at my worst, I neglected to shower regularly, and I felt filthy. When I took a shower I felt refreshed.
  • Take time to socialize. Spend some time with people you care about. If your anxiety keeps you from going to places or events that involve a lot of people, then ask a friend to hang out with just you. Sitting alone at home leaves the mind to wander and makes you feel lonely. Go out and have some fun. You deserve to have a good time. When I’m home alone my mind wanders and I feel more depressed. My husband and I like to go out to dinner, to events, and the movies. Sometimes I go to dinner with friends at another friend’s house.
  • Take some time to be alone. If you live with other people and you get overwhelmed with things going on with them take some time to be alone. Take a walk, go to your room, sit out on the porch, or find a place you can go to be by yourself. Sometimes you just need a break from the people in your life, and that is okay. Take time to be alone and de-stress. My alone time is at night when my husband goes to bed. It’s when I write, when I journal, and when I snuggle with my dog. It gives me time to focus just on myself and my own needs.

These are only a few things you can do to take care of yourself. You are important and you owe it to your physical and mental health to practice self-care. Your mental health is connected to your physical health. If you don’t take care of both, you will not only struggle with mental illness, but also physical illness.  Taking care of the body and mind will help make you stronger to reach or stay in recovery.

I make self-care an important part of my life, and because I do I dance in the light of recovery.

THE LITTLE THINGS

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

God looks down on us and sees we are struggling or need guidance. He provides for us through little things and thoughts in our minds. It’s easy to miss these little things while we are struggling. When mental illness clouds our minds, it is simple to blame God and to hate him for what we are going through. We may lose our faith and miss the little things God’s doing to take care of us.

When I was at my worst, I stopped going to church and I lost my faith in God. In spite of this, he gave me a wonderful mom who went to great extents to find me help. He gave me a therapist who helped me reach recovery long enough to live a life I didn’t get to as a teen and to graduate from college. When I moved in with an abusive boyfriend and hit rock bottom of my illness, God gave me a friend to support me and save my life.

When I had turned away from God, he gave me a special friend to invite me to her church and a Bible study she led. In time she sat with me in a sanctuary, and we prayed together asking God to come into my life. I had traveled miles away from home to a writing conference to meet her and find out she lived in my area. God works in mysterious ways.

When I was living with my ex-boyfriend, he took in a stray dog named Daisy. I didn’t want anything to do with Daisy, but she was determined to win me over. She nudged my hand until I pet her. When I went to bed at night, she slept right beside me and when I felt like giving up, she cuddled with me. God gave her to me to get through the abuse and the illness that I struggled with. From that time on, every dog I have ever gotten I’ve heard a voice inside my mind say, “That dog is the one for you.” Each one of my dogs provided comfort to me through different stages of my illness. I know that God is the one who led me to each of the fur babies I had throughout the years.

When I had given up on men and dating, God gave me a friend to set me up on a date and other friends to encourage me to go on that date. That guy turned out to be the love of my life. He is my husband and my everything. He encourages me, he supports me, he takes care of me, and he gets me through the hard times. I have never had a man treat me as good as he does, and he knows how to handle my bad days. He is the reason I’m in recovery. He is truly from God.

When I was working on publishing my book, God gave me two fellow authors who are also editors to edit my manuscript for free. He gave me another author to create my cover. Step by step God led me through writing my book and publishing it. He gave me a wonderful husband to comfort me when I cried after reliving the emotions of the past and to encourage me when I felt like giving up. God wanted me to tell my story. God has given me the strength to speak at many events to spread the awareness about bullying and how it can bring on mental illness.

When I was going through breast cancer and grieving after a bilateral mastectomy, I met Alexander Kovarovic through a Facebook support group, and he asked me to be part of his nonprofit. Five years later I am his assistant overseeing Advocacy and Education for his nonprofit One Life Project. God put him in my life so I can help young people with mental illness and hopefully prevent youth and young adults from suffering like I did.

Saturday, I got out of work at 2:30 PM. My husband and I went for a ride and stopped at a secondhand store. I walked past this rack of puppets and then I turned around, walked back over to them and I looked them over. Then I walked away. A voice inside me, God’s voice ,told me to buy one. I looked at my husband and said, “I think I should get one of those puppets.” He encouraged me to buy one, so I did. Then a name came to me, “Lucy.” My puppet’s name is Lucy. I know God was talking to me.

I will practice making her talk without moving my lips. I plan to use Lucy to talk to young children about bullying. I handed out my information to Girl Scout and Brownie leaders selling cookies at my store. Hopefully one will call or email me so Lucy and I can tell our story. We have a lot to tell young kids about how bad and hurtful bullying is. I know God will provide me the opportunity to do this.

Look for the small God things in your life. He is helping you through rough times without you even knowing it. Open your eyes to the tools and people he is providing you to get through your mental illness. You might think he is punishing you, but he’s not. He’s carrying you and taking care of you. Think about the things and people in your life that are helping you through this struggle. They are not there by coincidence. God is providing them for you.

God gave me special people and tools to guide me to and to keep me in recovery. God is walking beside me in the light of recovery.

YOU CAN DO IT

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

When you are struggling with depression, you lose interest in everyday things and you have feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. It becomes too easy to neglect your health and daily routines and tasks. You get stuck in a rut you can’t get out of. Even getting out of bed becomes very difficult. You feel as if you can’t move past this horrible sadness that has taken over your life.

I grew up with parents and grandparents who didn’t believe in the words, “I can’t.” Whenever my siblings or I said I can’t do something, my mom would look us in the eyes and tell us “There’s no such thing as can’t. You can do anything you put your mind to.” Her words were my inspiration and became my motto. If someone told me, I couldn’t do something I found a way to prove that person wrong. Throughout elementary they told me I couldn’t read, so I worked hard to learn how to read; they told me I couldn’t longer pass classes on my own, and in high school I passed my classes with “As” and “Bs.” My teachers said I would be on welfare when I grew up, but I graduated from college, I have worked the same job for twenty-eight years and I have written a book.

When I realized I had major depression in college, I felt like my life was doomed. I couldn’t sleep at night, I got sick every morning, I became suicidal, and I self-injured. It took all my strength to get out of bed each morning and go to my classes, yet I continued to get high grades. My life seemed like an endless cycle of hopelessness and inner agony, but I refused to fail at college. It was hard to pass my classes when I was so sick, but I could still hear those teachers from school saying, “You can’t succeed.” This drove me to study long hours to pass my classes.

For many who are struggling with depression, the simplest routine tasks like taking a shower, combing hair, eating, or getting out of bed seem impossible. It’s easy to give up and say, “I can’t do it.” The thing is if you dig deep down inside yourself, you’ll realize you can do it. You can get out of bed, you can take a shower, you can eat, and you can stand up to depression. Remember there is no such thing as, “I can’t.”

Are you lying in bed feeling too tired and depressed to get up? Then say to yourself, “I can get up,” several times. Dig deep down inside you until you get the determination to slip out of bed. Take small steps. Be proud of yourself for each step you take and shout out, “I did it!” Your illness doesn’t have to run your life. You can fight it, you can work towards getting better, and you can reach recovery.

Reaching recovery was the hardest battle I have ever fought. So many times I felt like I just couldn’t go on and I didn’t want to go on. I felt like I was doomed to a life of misery. My mom’s words, “There’s no such thing as can’t. You can do anything you put your mind to,” kept me pushing forward.

When I got home from work and the man I was living with told me he was kicking me out, I ended up in a mental health hospital. He told me he couldn’t help me because I could never get better. His words inspired me to fight harder. In a week I got out of the hospital and started on the path to recovery. I moved back home, I started going to group therapy, and I found a new therapist. Through several years I took steps towards recovery.

You might feel like reaching recovery is impossible and there is no way you can reach it, but you can. Take the first steps now. Start slowly and build your way up. Recovery doesn’t come easily so plan on fighting hard. Remember there is no such thing as can’t. “You can do anything you put your mind to.” Fight for happiness, fight for a new beginning, and fight for yourself. I believe in you. “You can do it.”

I believed I could get better, and I fought hard for it and I reached it. I stand in the light of recovery shouting, “I did it!”

ALWAYS BE YOURSELF

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

High school is a hard time for teens. They are at the dating age, they face peer pressure, and they work hard to fit in. If you dress differently, are too skinny or too big–boned or have any noticeable difference, you are teased and put down. Many try to change who they are to be part of the popular crowd or to fit in. Bullies are people who act aggressively towards people who are different. They pick out someone whom they determine is weak and abuse the person physically, verbally, or by cyberbullying. They prey on people who dare to be different.

My older sister was in the most current style before the others in our small-town school. She wore lots of makeup and got up early in the morning to do her hair just right. She was beautiful. I just got up in enough time to brush my hair, get dressed, and go to school. Even as a child she was a girly girl. I was always the opposite of her. I was a tomboy. I played with cars and action figures. I didn’t mind getting dirty. My older sister played with dolls and hated getting dirty. My parents loved us for the individuals we were.

I spent my childhood being bullied for having a learning disability and then in high school they found new things to put me down for. As a teen I liked tee shirts, sweatshirts, and jeans. Some of my clothes came from yard sales. I didn’t care about what was considered in style or doing the latest hair style. I hated makeup and nail polish. I was what my classmates and other teens considered an outcast. Many teens in my school picked on me about my clothes and hair. They abused me verbally for being my own person. They made me feel ugly and worthless. I wanted to fit in, but I liked my own style, which was simple.

Then a couple of teachers in my special education class decided to hold a beauty day for all the girls in the class. They had a beautician and makeup artist come in and make us up. I hated every minute of it, but I was willing to give it a try so that maybe I could fit in with everyone else. The eye shadow made my eyes itch, rubbing foundation into my skin felt weird, my eyes watered, making the mascara run, and I couldn’t help but lick my lips, wiping away the lipstick. My hair was curled and styled with a curling iron, and when I looked in a mirror I felt like I was staring at a stranger.

The teachers were trying to help me without realizing they were asking me to change who I was to fit in. I went along with it, and I tried to do lipstick and eye shadow on my own. I tried different hairstyles, but it didn’t change things. I was still an outcast and I only hated myself more. I felt ugly in my new style, and I felt like I wasn’t being true to myself. This only deepened my depression and destroyed my self-worth.

Through this experience I learned to never change who you are to fit in. Be true to yourself even if your classmates and your bully use it to put you down. Trying to be someone you are not only deepens your lack of self-worth and your depression. Be the person, the unique individual, you are meant to be and the person you feel comfortable with. Don’t let anyone change who you are just so you can be accepted by others.

Many teens who dress like the popular crowd are not being themselves. They are often just following the crowd and hiding their true selves. Each one of us has different likes, dislikes, styles, and personalities. Owning our differences and daring to embrace them, even though others don’t agree, is a bold and strong step. We must be true to ourselves whether others like it or not.

As an adult I’m happy to be my own person. I rarely wear jewelry, and I don’t expect my husband to buy me any. The only jewelry I wear is my engagement ring and wedding band. I don’t put makeup on; I feel comfortable with my natural looks. Most of the time I wear tee shirts, jeans, or sweatpants. I like short hair that I can just run a brush through and be ready to go. I have a streak of pink in my hair to symbolize that I am a breast cancer survivor. This is who I am.

Being myself is what lifts my self-esteem and carries me in the light of recovery.

EMOTIONS FROM THE PAST

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Wounds on the soul from the past can heal, but a scar remains. We can move on from abuse, forgive those who have hurt us and heal, but the memory and the scar inside us never goes completely away. Sometimes things that happen in our lives reopen the wound and a storm of emotions flood us. How we handle the feelings is what matters the most.

I was looking at my reviews on Amazon for my book, Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying, and realized I got a five star review last month. There was no name to tell who wrote the review. The review stated that he or she was a classmate of mine and had good memories of me. Then it stated that he or she hoped he or she was not one of those I wrote about. This opened an old wound. Who could have good memories of me, but not know if he or she was one of the bullies? I had friends that moved away when I was younger, and the few friends that I kept more than a year would know they were not one of the bullies.

Who would have good memories of me when I didn’t talk to my classmates? We had a very small class and often kids follow the crowd when it comes to bullying even if they don’t agree. That doesn’t make what they did okay. Even when you don’t agree yet you participate, you’re as bad as the bullies. Was this one of those type of people from my class? Was it someone who didn’t even try to talk to me because he or she was afraid of getting bullied? Or was it one of the friends who turned their back on me? I went over and over in my mind who it could be who wrote the review.

I want my classmates and the bullies to read my book and see what they put me through. The person did acknowledge that he or she is happy to see my success which made me feel good. Then the person wrote that now that he or she is an adult, none of that horrible kid’s stuff matters. He or she didn’t seem to understand that it’s not just horrible kids’ stuff. When I was younger in the eighties and nineties when kids were mean to others, they didn’t recognize it as bullying. It was kids being kids, but it’s more than that. Bullying doesn’t just happen with children; it happens to adults too. Adults also can be bullies. Plus, what happens to a victim of bullying can affect them into adulthood. The reader of my book obviously doesn’t understand that bullying isn’t just kids’ stuff and that angered me.

To me saying It’s kids’ stuff is just like saying kids will be kids, and the pain and damage I had to struggle with into my adulthood didn’t matter. I spent many years in therapy learning to love myself, change my negative thinking, mend the inner wounds, and forgive and move on from the abuse I faced as a child. Years of being put down by classmates and teachers destroyed my self-esteem, led me into a mental war with myself, and caused wounds no one could see. It also led me into bad relationships, made me afraid to stand up for myself, made it hard for me to trust, and made me agree to things I wasn’t comfortable with because I was too afraid to speak up and so much more. This led into my adulthood. The pain of that resurfaced with the five-star review.

The song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson is about someone who was abused, and the lyrics hold true for bullying too. Think about the lyrics as you read them and imagine that child or adult who is being bullied. Here are the lyrics:

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side,

so I don’t get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me,

But everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

It took me years to overcome these things the song talks about. I had to go through therapy and take antidepressants, and even now I fear being hurt again. I am an adult now and my wounds are scars that at times reopen. The scars are from the bullies who verbally and physically abused me and the bad relationships I got into as an adult because I didn’t know how to have a healthy relationship.

Because of you (my bullies), sometimes my scars open up and the pain floods back, but because I’m stronger I can handle the pain and I stitch that wound up. When I read that review, I texted my friends who are also part of my support team, Cheryl and Amy. They both mentioned the positive side of the review and told me not to dwell on who it might be. I didn’t want to hear the positive, but I listened, or more like read it. Amy suggested I write this post about it, and it is very healing.

To my classmate who wrote the review you’re right; I have succeeded. I am not done yet. I have more books to write, and I am working hard at giving talks to bring awareness to bullying. Thank you for your review.

If old wounds are reopened, turn to your support system, don’t let the wounds push you down, and stitch them back up. Because I stitched my old wounds back up, I stand tall in the light of recovery.

I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING SOMEONE DIE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Today seemed like a normal day, but it wasn’t. A man stood inches from me, his eyes rolled back, his body unable to move, and his legs buckling. I called for help. Help came and they moved him into a chair, but suddenly his face went white, and someone said he was not breathing. They moved him to the floor and started CPR. He lay still with all the life drawn from his face. My hands shook and I silently asked God, “Please don’t let him die.” He looked like he had already died. I thought he was gone. I thought I was watching a man die today.

When I looked at the man lying nearly lifeless on the floor, I thought about how precious life is and how fleeting it is. It’s easy to give up on living when depression clouds the mind. It’s hard to think straight, to see past the deep darkness inside, and to see that your life is special. I know because I was there at the breaking edge, ready to throw away the life God gave me because I couldn’t see past my inner agony. I thought everyone’s life would be better without me in it, I thought there was no way out of my darkness, and I thought I was doomed to a life of agonizing inner pain.

I took a bottle of pills. I felt dizzy and sick. Some how I drove to college and back in a snowstorm. I had no idea how. I didn’t even remember driving. I just knew I got there and back. It took me years to realize God was at the wheel of my car that night. It was then that I realized how important my life is and how foolish it was of me to try and end it.

I thought about how important that guy’s life was as I watched a woman breathe air into the guy who lay so lifeless. I felt my body tremble and my heart race as I watched them struggle to save a stranger’s life. If I had gotten into an accident after taking those pills, how many people would have struggled to save my life? How would they feel watching the life drain from me? Would they have been traumatized? What if my grandparents had found me dead from taking all those pills? Would they have been crying endlessly? Trying whatever they could to save me? Would their hearts be torn from their chests and their tears be endless? Would they be traumatized for life? How would they have told my parents that their daughter  had committed suicide in their home?

I saw the man’s eyes open. The people talked to him while paramedics put oxygen on him. They loaded him on a stretcher and took him away. I went on with my day wondering if he lived or died. Then I thought about how if I had succeeded at taking my life how many strangers who tried to save my life would be left disheartened and broken.  I thought about how many of my own family members’ lives would have been ruined because I took away what God gave me. In that moment I thanked God for my precious life and for allowing me to live when I wanted to die.

Later that day I heard the man I saw nearly die in front of me was seen out and about. He lived. I thought I was watching him die, yet God choose for him to live. Just like he chose for me to live the day I went to college in a snowstorm after taking a bottle of pills. God had a purpose for that man to survive just like he had a reason for me to live. If I had died, I would have never gotten to see my nieces and nephews grow up and some of them have children of their own. I would have never fallen in love with the man of my dreams and created many wonderful memories with him. I would have never written my book to help others with bullying. I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I wouldn’t have been able to help my siblings surprise my parents with a fiftieth anniversary party. There is so much more I would have missed out on if I had taken my life.

I thought I was watching a man die today, but he lived. It was a reminder of how precious life is and how important it is to fight for it. Live for the future that awaits you. Live for a chance to reach recovery. Live to make your dreams come true. Live to watch your family members grow and change. Live to create beautiful memories. Put those pills away, put that knife down, and put that gun aside. Look beyond your pain and see how precious your life is. God gave you life for a purpose; live so you can find the purpose.

This scary experience woke me up and reminded me why God chose for me to live so many years ago. God gives us little reminders of how important we are to him. His reminder shook me up pretty good but showed me how special life is. I live to fulfill God’s purpose and I fight my illness to stand in the light of recovery.

YOU ARE WORTHY

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

When you’re in the deepest part of your hole of depression it is hard to see your own self-worth. It’s easy to lose all your self-esteem. You see yourself as useless, hopeless, and an awful person. It’s nearly impossible to find anything that is good about yourself. The truth is: you are none of the things your sick mind tells you that you are. You are so much more than your illness and the dark lenses you are looking through. You are a worthy, special person.

I know many of you need reassurance that despite the illness that tortures your mind, you are a wonderful person. Below is a list of reasons why you are worthy. Maybe this is the moment you need to read this or maybe you need a reminder to fuel your determination to fight this awful illness. Whatever your reasons are, please read on.

Reasons you are worthy:

  • You are worthy of living. Your life is valuable and even though it doesn’t seem like it You are an important part of this world. You have people who love you. They would be broken-hearted if you were to die. You can get better and make a big difference in people’s lives. You’re important.   
  • You are worthy of happiness.

You might think you’re doomed to a life of sadness, but you’re not. You can reach recovery and live a happy life. You deserve happiness and it’s up to you to strive for it. Don’t be afraid to be happy and to search for happiness.

  • You are worthy of being loved.

You might hate yourself right now and think you don’t deserve love, but you are wrong. Everyone deserves to be loved, even you. Those sad, hopeless, and miserable feelings you have are not you. It’s your illness. The person you are is a beautiful person who is kind, caring, fun and much more. That person is worthy of love.

  • You are worthy of kindness.

You don’t deserve to be called names, to be hurt physically or to be used. You are worthy of people who will care for you, give you a shoulder to lean on, spend time with you and are willing to get to know you.

  • You are worthy of respect.

You don’t deserve to be treated like you are dangerous or a loss cause.
You deserve to be admired for your strength to fight this illness and for the person you are. You are special and are worthy of others’ respect. You deserve to be admired for your strength to fight this illness and for the person you are. You are special and are worthy of others’ respect.

  • You are worthy of recovery.
    You’re not meant to spend your life stuck in deep sadness and emotional pain. You deserve to learn coping techniques, learn new ways of thinking and of finding the right medication that helps you manage your illness. Recovery means managing your illness well enough that you can function and live a happy life and you deserve that.
  • You are worthy of loving yourself.
    Right now, you might hate yourself, but you don’t deserve the self-hatred. That person you are despite your illness is a beautiful person deserving of your love. Fight to find yourself and look inside you. See yourself for the person you are, not the person your illness makes you think of yourself. Inside you is a person craving to be loved by you.

Read through this list every time you feel unworthy.

Remind yourself of how worthy you are, each time you feel like giving up.

Write theses down on index cards and put them in different spots in your home where you’ll remember to read them.

Write each thing out on a piece of paper you are worthy of, if necessary.

Do this until you believe them to be true.

I am worthy of all of these and much more. Knowing this keeps me in the light of recovery.

TIPS FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD WITH BULLYING

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Unfortunately, bullying is a big problem in our schools. Children are being abused physically and verbally for being different. This abuse leads to mental health problems, behavioral problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and academic problems. Many parents are lost, not knowing how they can help their child.

From personal experience as a bullying survivor and through research, I put together some tips for parents to help their children. Below are my tips:

  • Look for signs of bullying. Some of the signs that your child is being bullied are: missing or destroyed belongings and clothing, loss of friends, spending time alone, loss of self-esteem, not sleeping or having nightmares, trying to avoid going to school, unexplained injuries, and so on. You can find out more at this site What are common signs of being bullied? | NICHD – Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (nih.gov)
  • Keep an open communication with your children. Talk to your children about school. Ask them about their day and friends. Tell your children they can talk to you if they need to. Be interested in their activities and what is going on in their lives. If you have a busy lifestyle, make a special time each day to sit and talk with your children.
  • Be willing to listen. If your child wants to talk, then make time to listen. Let your children know you’re always willing to listen to them. Sometimes they just need a shoulder to cry on and someone to listen while they let out their feelings.
  • Encourage children to share their feelings with other adults. Understand children don’t tell their parents everything. Let your child know if they can’t tell you something, they can tell an aunt, uncle, grandparents, or another adult they feel close to.
  • Look for signs of mental health problems. Many children who are bullied struggle with depression and anxiety. Learn about the signs of depression and anxiety such as nausea, frequent shaking, tightness in the chest, irritability, hopelessness, talk of suicide, excessive worrying, and feelings of sadness. You can find out more at Identifying anxiety, depression signs – Mayo Clinic Health System.
  • Seek professional help. If you notice signs of continuous bullying or signs of depression and anxiety, look into therapy for your child. Bullying is a form of abuse that rips apart a child’s self-esteem and mental well-being. A therapist can help your child cope and talk about what is happening to them. If you don’t feel confident with the school therapist, look for another professional. If you do not have health insurance, look into state funded programs. Many state programs offer help at low cost or no cost. The sooner you get your child help, the better chances you have of combating the effects of bullying.
  • Fight for your child. Talk to teachers, principal, school administration, or school board to put a stop to the bullying your child is facing. If no one will listen then document what is happening and talk to the news. Do what it takes to end the abuse your child is facing.

If your child is being bullied, use these tips to help them deal with what is happening to them. It’s your job as a parent to do what it takes to help your child. No matter how busy your life is, make time for your children and be aware of what is going on in their lives. Lean on friends and family for support. Let’s stop what we are doing and speak out for our children.

I wrote my book Escape to the Garage: Family Love Overcomes Bullying to show not only the effects of bullying, but also the importance of family. My mom fought endlessly for me, but unfortunately back then she didn’t have the resources we have now. My family and my parents got me through many hard times as a child. The only regret I have is I should have never kept so much to myself. Writing my book and speaking out against bullying helps me heal in the light of recovery.