Author: Aimee Eddy

WHAT IF’S

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Do you ever worry about what might happen in the future? You start thinking about what could happen, and then it snowballs into a lot of “what if’s.” You think about so many “what if’s” that you feel tense in the shoulders and neck, you feel sick to the stomach, you have panic attacks, and you can’t sleep. You literally make yourself sick with anticipatory anxiety. Sometimes you get so upset that you cancel plans, stay in bed and block out the people you love.

I am guilty of struggling with anticipatory anxiety and even more now that I am doing somethings on my own since my loved one (lo)is  struggling with dementia. I’m learning to be more independent and to be a caregiver. I once depended on my lo for many things. We were a team, but now I have to take care of some of those things by myself. This is scary to me.

When our nephew passed, we had to travel three hours to his memorial service. My lo and I always shared the driving, and we always drove there in the summer. In the week before the service, I started spiraling with anticipatory anxiety. The “what if’s” swirled around in my mind like a tornado.

What if we can’t get out of Erie? What if we run into bad weather on the way there? What if we get in an accident and end up dead? What if we make it there and the weather is too bad to go home?  What if I can’t drive that far? What if we get stranded on the highway?

The “what ifs” made my shoulders tense, made me sick to my stomach, made my chest ache, and made emotions well up inside me like a ball caught in my throat. I told my “what if’s” to my friend Cheryl and she told me to stop worrying and I’ll be fine. She assured me that she believed I could make the trip without problems, but I couldn’t shut off my mind.

I wrote down my “what if’s” in a notebook and let my therapist read them.

My therapist said, “When you come up with a “what if,” find a solution. For each of your “what if’s,” there are solutions. I have faith you’re very capable of making this trip, but if your anxiety gets too bad, it’s okay to decide to cancel your plans. Have faith in yourself.”

So, here are my solutions for my “what ifs.”

  • What if we can’t make it out of Erie? Solution: If the weather is too bad, we’ll stay home.
  • What if we run into bad weather on the way? Solution: If the weather gets bad, we’ll pull off at an exit and find a hotel for the night.
  • What if we get in a bad accident and end up dead? Solution: Focus on the positive that we will make it safely.
  • What if we make it there and it’s too bad to leave to go home? Solution: I can call off work and stay at the hotel until the weather gets better.
  • What if I can’t drive that far? Solution: I’ll take breaks and take my time getting there.
  • What if we get stranded on the highway? Solution: We’ll pack a shovel, sleeping bags, water, and food.

With solutions to my “what if’s” I had a set plan and our trip no longer seemed so scary. My anxiety began to lift. We packed our car the night before and left early the next morning. Starting out it was snowy and a bit difficult to see, but I kept going. Farther down the highway the snow faded away and the sun shone. It was sunny for the rest of our trip. I stopped a couple times to stretch my legs, but we made it to our hotel without any problems.

The memorial service was on a Saturday, and we were going to stay until Monday, but because of a storm coming across Pennsylvania and much of the US, we left for home after we got some food at the meal after the service. The trip home was great. Sunny skies all the way home. The snowstorm hit the next day, and we were safe in our home. My anxiety was for nothing. I was so proud of myself for making the trip there and back without any problems.

If you’re struggling with anticipatory anxiety, come up with solutions for each of your “what if’s.” Once you do that, you’ll see that you have a plan for things that could go wrong. Having a plan makes the anxiety less powerful and helps ease your physical reactions.

From now on when I’m struggling with anticipatory anxiety, I’m going to come up with solutions, and this will help me stay in the light of recovery.

No Post

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I apologize for another week without a post. We went to Sommerset, PA and attended our nephew’s memorial service January 24. It was a beautiful but sad service. We left for home right after the service to miss the snow storm. Then Monday I became sick with a viral infection.  I have spent the whole week in bed. I’m just now starting to feel better.

I will write a post next week. Until then keep fighting for recovery from mental illness. Find the positive in your life.

SAYING GOODBYE TO MY NEPHEW

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Whenever I lose someone, I write about the person because it helps me grieve and get my feelings out. It was Thursday morning when I got a message from my niece wanting to give me a call. I was in bed, but I knew in my heart it was important, so I told her it was fine to call. Her voice was etched with sorrow and pain when she told me my nephew, Jason, had passed. I was in shock. I couldn’t cry. I just knew I had to tell my husband, who was very close to him. I had to be strong for him.

I married Lou in April 2007, and that’s when I met Jason. He was my husband’s sister’s son. Lou’s sister, her husband, her two girls, and Jason came to our wedding. I was delighted to meet my husband’s family. They welcomed me into the family with open arms. After the wedding, Jason gave me a big hug. His arms were gentle.

Nieces Jen, Holly, my husband Lou, Lou’s sister Debby and Jason

In the years to follow, Lou and I took vacations to Somerset, PA, where his sister and family live. Each time we visited, Jason took time off work to spend with us. We went to Latrobe to the Steelers training camp, we played putt-putt, we went to the mall, and we hung out at our hotel room. Jason’s laugh could brighten any soul. Hanging out with him was always the highlight of our trips, along with seeing the rest of the family.

Lou’s a Steelers fan, while Jason was a Titans fan. The two teased each other about their teams. When I got stuck in the middle, I sided with my husband. Even though he wasn’t a Steelers fan, Jason willingly went to Steelers training camp with us. He even pushed his way through the crowds to help Lou get autographs from the players.

During the time we hung out in our hotel room, I got to know Jason more. I came to love him dearly. He always had a bright smile and a kind heart. One time he told us we were his favorite aunt and uncle. That made me feel wonderful. It was hard coming into Lou’s family with nieces and nephews that were already grown up. Jason made me feel like I had always been a part of his life. It meant the world to me to be considered his favorite.

Jason was special in many ways. He had a fun and loving personality. He gave wonderful bear hugs and knew how to make the world shine brighter. It just doesn’t seem possible that he could leave this world so soon. He was only thirty-six and he had his whole life ahead of him. I saw him fall in love and then have his heart broken. I waited for him to find the right woman so I could go to his wedding, and some day hold his babies. Unfortunately, that never happened. It doesn’t seem like he was in my life long enough.

Jason, in the short time he was in my life, made a huge impact. My life was and is brighter and more beautiful because of him. It was an honor to be his aunt. He will always have a special place in my heart. He left this earth too soon, but I know he is in heaven making the other angels laugh and smile.

Screenshot

My heart is broken because of losing Jason, but in time I know it will heal. I will never forget him. He will be in my heart forever. His memory will help me through my grief and guide me to the light of recovery.

Next week there won’t be a post because we are traveling to Somerset for Jason’s memorial service.

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES OF 2025

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When we get close to the end of the year many of us say, “I’m ready for this year to end. It was a bad year.”

We often focus on all the bad things that happened in the year, forgetting there were also good things. It’s easy to think about everything that went wrong in the year so that we can hope that a new year will be better. But it shouldn’t be the negatives of the past year that carry us into a new year. It should be the positives that build bridges for an even better year.

I can easily go through a list of things that went wrong in 2025. It was a rough year with my loved one being diagnosed with dementia and diabetes. I could easily talk about everything that went wrong in the past year, but it serves no purpose. Instead, I will list the positive things that happened in 2025.

Below is my list of positives:

  • I received an award from the president of the United States; I received a proclamation from Buffalo, NY’s mayor, declaring February 21 “Aimee Eddy Day” and I also received other awards for my work for One Life Project.
  • I had cataract surgery on both of my eyes, giving me new vision. I can see without glasses. I just need reading glasses.
  • My husband and I have taken many rides around Erie’s Peninsula. We enjoyed the scenery and time together.
  • My husband retired and I no longer must take the bus to work.
  • I threw a surprise retirement party for my husband and he was shocked. He loved the party.
  • We spent a romantic night in a hotel for our wedding anniversary.
  • I celebrated thirty years at my job with a dinner at Acrisure Stadium and a tour of the stadium.
  • I found a therapist that I really like who is helping me through my loved one’s dementia.
  • I got to see my niece and her family whom I haven’t seen in a few years.
  • I got Thanksgiving week off from work which I haven’t had off in thirty years.

I must admit I had to really think hard about the positives of last year. The bad things that happened weigh me down, but coming up with this list lessened my burdens. It made me realize that last year wasn’t so bad after all. I’m not throwing away a bad year; instead I’m using the positives of 2025 to build a positive bridge into 2026.

I know with mental illness it’s easy to just see the negatives in your life, but there are positives. To you 2025 was a bad year and you don’t see any hope for 2026. Try sitting down with a sheet of paper and reflecting on the past year. Think about the good things that happened like a friend who called to check on you, or after several days in bed you got out of bed. There are positives in your life and if you think hard, you’ll find them. Look at 2026 as a year with hope and new beginnings.

Going into the 2026 with hopes for a good year helps me stay in the light of recovery.

CAREGIVING AND MENTAL HEALTH

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Mental illness is a rough disease, and even in recovery you must spend each day managing it. When you throw extra challenges in your life, like dealing with a loved one (LO) with dementia, staying in recovery becomes a bigger challenge. You no longer are just taking care of your illness; you are also taking care of someone else’s illness. This makes staying in the light even harder.

My loved one is in the early stages of dementia. He’s independent to a point. He is still able to stay home while I work, and he can help me with some stuff around the house, but he still needs my help with a lot of things. I take care of his medication, make his lunches before work, and leave reminders on Alexa for him to eat it. I also remind him to take care of his hygiene, I manage his diet for diabetes, I keep track of his appointments, and I also remind him about small stuff too. I also have to handle changes in his mood like arguing and anger outbursts.

He’s young, only in his sixties, and I’m only fifty-one. It’s so unfair that he has this illness at such a young age. We should have many more years to make memories, but we don’t. We must make every moment count now. I’m sad, angry, and frustrated. Some days I want to lie in bed and cry. I wish I had a magical wand to take this illness from him. He gets so frustrated when he can’t remember things and it breaks my heart.

So much has been taken away from him because of dementia that it feels like he’s losing everything. He can no longer work, he can’t drive, and his memory is fading. At times I’m the bad guy because I must tell him repeatedly, he can’t drive, he can’t work, he forgot to shower, and much more. He gets mad at me, and I try not to take it personally, but it hurts.

Dealing with my LO’s illness is very emotional and threatens to throw me back down the hole of depression, but I can’t let it. When my LO was diagnosed with diabetes I got

depressed. I knew I was going to have to manage it and make sure he follows a healthy diet on top of managing his dementia. All day at work I felt like crying, I was very sad, and just wanted to hide. When I got out of work, I told my LO I was sick and went to our room. I lay in bed crying until I fell asleep. I teetered on the edge of that dark hole.

I realized I need to take care of my mental illness while taking care of my LO. I used a program through work to help me find a therapist. I’m not in a depression, but I needed someone to confide in and to talk about my feelings to to stay in recovery. I found a therapist who understands what I’m going through and she is very good. I told my psychiatrist about my LO so he can keep track of how I’m doing. I confided in my support team. I also joined mental health and dementia support groups online.

All caregivers must take care of themselves as well as their loved ones, but it’s extra work to take care of your mental illness on top of caregiving and to stay in recovery. I find it hard to manage my medication on top of my LO’s, but I know it’s important. It’s also important to use coping techniques like journaling, relaxation techniques, finding positives, and grounding techniques. It’s okay to need a break from your LO too. Self-care is also important. Take time for yourself like having someone stay with your LO while you go out for a while, take a relaxing bath, eat healthy, exercise, take care of your hygiene, and find time for your hobbies.

Caring for yourself and your mental health is as important as taking care of your LO. I make my illness as much of a priority as my LO is. This helps me stay in the light of recovery.

A GIFT FROM THE HEART

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Christmas, a season of giving

In the bustle of the holiday

A gift is precious

Not one that costs money

One given from the heart

A kind word to a stranger

A dinner invite to one who is alone

A hug of warmth to a sad person

Listening ears to a burden soul

A smile lifts spirits

Christmas is not about what money could buy

It’s about gifts from the heart

Like God’s gift of his Son

A gift from his heart

Merry Christmas.

NEW EYES AND A NEW LOOK AT LIFE

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I had my second cataract surgery on my right eye on Monday, December 8. The surgery went well without any complications. It was strange; I could hear the doctor and nurses talking and I felt pressure on my eye, but no pain. I wasn’t awake, but I wasn’t completely asleep either. The doctor put a patch on my right eye, and when the nurse took it off the next day the world around me changed.

I got my first pair of glasses in fourth grade. I tried not to wear them as much as possible, but that made seeing difficult. As the years went by, the lenses got thicker. They grew heavier and I had to constantly push them up. I tried to get thin frames, hoping it would make the glasses less heavy, but it didn’t help much. I became accustomed to my bulky glasses. They became a part of me. Every morning, I put them on, all day long I pushed them up, and every night I took them off. It was a routine.

Mental illness is like wearing glasses. We don’t want to admit we have it, so we avoid it as much as possible. Then the racing thoughts, negative thinking, hopelessness, and loss of self esteem grow thicker and thicker. We become accustomed to it and begin to live our lives in darkness. We believe the mental illness has become a part of us. We wake up to it, we drown in it all day long, and we go to bed with it.

With my eyes, cataracts made seeing extremely difficlt. I used a bright light and a magnifying glass to see better. When I went through cataract surgery on my left eye, things started to look brighter. Then I went through cataract surgery on my right eye and when they took the patch off, I could see everything better. I could see a brighter and better world. I was amazed at what I could see without glasses. It was like I got new eyes.

 Some things remain hard to see like words in a book and the guide on the TV. I got a pair of readers but will eventually need prescription glasses to see words on the TV and signs in the distance while driving.

Similar to cataracts, mental illness makes life look like a never-ending road of sadness. You use a therapist, medication, coping techniques, and a psychiatrist to help you find your way to the light. You fight a battle with your illness and in time life begins to look brighter. You take medication to balance the chemicals in your brain, and you change the way you think. Then you climb out of the dark hole and see a brighter and better life. But you still need medication and coping techniques to continue in the light of recovery.

Getting surgery for cataracts gave me a new look at the world, like reaching recovery gave me a new look at life. Since my vision was bad, cataract surgery couldn’t repair my vision completely. Recovery from mental illness doesn’t cure a person completely. There is nothing wrong with having extra aid to get through. I can’t see without glasses to read, and I can’t stay in recovery without coping techniques and medication. Cataract surgery wasn’t a complete cure for my vision, and recovery doesn’t mean I’m cured of mental illness.

There may not be a cure for mental illness, and you will need coping techniques to get through bad days, but your world will look brighter. Just like my world looks brighter after my cataract surgeries. You can live a happy life and find joy. So, I encourage you to fight for recovery and learn to see your life differently.

I not only see the world differently because of cataract surgery, but I see life differently because I stand in the light of recovery.

RECOVERY FROM CATARACT SURGERY

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I survived my first cataract surgery. It was pretty easy
compared to other surgeries I have been through. I think the
best part was relaxing the week of Thanksgiving. For each of my
nine other surgeries I found different ways to cope with my
recovery, and with this one I also found a way to cope.


The Sunday before my surgery my husband and I spent the
night at my parents’ house so they could drive me to the surgery
center. We enjoyed spending time with my parents.
At the surgery center the nurse put the needle in for an IV
and then hooked up the IV line. The IV line had a leak in it and
blood started dripping down my hand. The nurse called another
nurse in. One nurse held the needle in my hand while the other
tried to unhook the line. It pulled on the needle, and it hurt.
After several tries and lots of blood, they were able to unhook
the line and put a new one in. Afterwards they had to clean me
up and get me a new blanket.


I heard the doctors talk throughout my surgery, but I
couldn’t understand what they were saying. Before I knew it,
they were taking me to the recovery room and my left eye and
face were numb. I had a patch over my eye, and everything looked
blurry with my other eye. When I got home, I took a long nap.

That night I just listened to the TV. I couldn’t see out
of my patched eye, and I couldn’t see well with my other one.
The patch was so big I couldn’t fit the mask of my CPAP machine
over it, but luckily I was drowsy enough to fall asleep easily
that night.


I got the patch off the next day, thank God. I had to go to
the eye doctor to get the left lens popped out of my glasses. I
no longer needed a lens for my left eye. With one eye recovering
from surgery and one eye still having a cataract I was very
unbalanced. With the surgery eye everything looked brighter and
clearer than the right eye. It didn’t take much for me to get
dizzy.


With my other surgeries I coped by doing woodburnings,
adult coloring books, and writing. With my uneven vision I can’t
color or woodburn. I haven’t done any writing until now. I have
been coping by watching Netflix, talking to my support team,
spending time with my husband, and enjoying the week off.

We spent Thanksgiving at my parents’ house. When I tried to
pour a drink into my glass, it ended up on the table. I tried
again and my poor dad got a lap full of apple cider. My husband
told me that I am no longer allowed to pour drinks.
My spirits have been good. It’s been a long time since I
have been able to enjoy having Thanksgiving week off. I can’t

wait until December 8 to have my right eye done. I’m ready for
balanced vision and to be able to see well without glasses.
I’m standing in the light of recovery being able to see the
light better.

FIRST THANKSGIVING WEEK OFF IN THIRTY YEARS

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When you work in retail, holidays can be really hard. Thanksgiving week in a grocery store means a mad rush of last-minute shoppers. It takes a lot out of retail workers. Despite everything, the workers must put on a smile. It’s not easy.

For thirty years I have worked Thanksgiving week, for a couple years in the bakery and for many years as a cashier. In the bakery there were endless orders of pies, breads, and rolls. As a cashier it’s lines of people, lifting frozen turkeys, grumpy customers, and large cart loads of groceries. The customers tell you at least time will go by fast and it does, but it wears you out. My anxiety is high during the holidays. I try to work fast to get customers out, all the while having sore shoulders, an achy back, and a tired body. The never-ending lines make me want to hide, but I put on a smile and I talk with my customers.

I can’t tell you how many customers come in on the last day and buy a frozen turkey, expecting it to be thawed by the next day. Many customers wait until the very last minute to buy the fixings for their Thanksgiving dinner. They are in such a rush to get everything done that they become grumpy and they take it out on the retail workers. I love being a cashier and working with people, but I hate working the holidays.

This year will be the first time in thirty years I will have Thanksgiving week off. Monday was my cataract surgery on my left eye, and I took Sunday off to spend the night at my parents so they could drive me to my surgery. My co-workers asked me if I was nervous or scared, but I’m not. I have had a lot more major surgeries than this one. Having surgery just means I get to spend Thanksgiving week relaxing and without anxiety attacks. I’m more than willing to let my husband wait on me.

A couple of friends are providing us with some suppers while I’m recovering so I won’t have to worry about cooking. Thanksgiving leftovers will help with some meals also. My body gets to have a break from work. I will be able to write my newsletter and get Christmas cards ready to send out. I can also get a start on Christmas movies while I’m off. I had the lens popped out of my glasses for the left eye so I could see. I’m able to see well right after they took the patch off my left eye the day after surgery.

Even though it’s because of surgery I’ll be off for Thanksgiving week, I’m excited. I not able to bend or lift, but that just gives me an excuse to sit around in my PJs and be lazy. Who can say no to PJ days? I sure don’t get many of them while I’m working. I work, then after work I take my husband for rides, and my days off are appointments. That doesn’t leave much time to just be lazy. Now I have an excuse.

This Thanksgiving week  you also can slow down and be grateful for the gifts of this holiday. Enjoy a good meal provided by God, enjoy family and friends, and be thankful for all the wonderful things you have. Don’t forget to have a PJ day or two.

This Thanksgiving I’m thankful for a week off and for surgeons who can give me the gift of better sight. I will have a new look at life soon. This Thanksgiving I will be relaxing in the light of recovery.