Tag: Mental Illness

FINDING PURPOSE

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

I’ve been so deep down the hole of darkness and inner agony that I thought the light would never shine again. I cried tears of torment, tears that dripped down my cheeks and hurt like bee stings to the soul. I’ve been stomped down by words, whipped by prejudice, scared by illness, and torn apart by loss. Yet I have always found a way to pull myself up to the light.

What is it that makes us strong enough to weather the torrential rains of life? What pulls us up when we’re lying at the darkest depths of our illness? What makes us strong when we feel weak? How do we stand up when everything seems to be pushing us down?

How often have you wondered if the light would ever shine for you? Have you lost hope that it would? I once lost hope and felt my life was just a dark endless pit of pain. I have lain down at the bottom of my hole and curled up in a ball, begging the Heavenly Father to end my life. When he wouldn’t, I took it on myself to find a way to die, but something wouldn’t let me go. Was it God or my own willpower hidden within my pain? I believe it was both.

There is always a reason for our existence even when we can’t see it. Finding that reason may seem impossible and we might have our eyes closed when pain rears its head, but it’s there. God has a purpose for each one of us. To fulfill our purpose, we must dig deep into our souls, down to the pit of our very being to find willpower, strength, and determination to fight the darkness. To pursue our desire to climb out of the darkness and find our purpose we must fight that awful demon called mental illness. We must take it root by root and use it to pull ourselves up.

I did it. I climbed out of that dark hole, pulling myself up by its roots while setting each root on fire on my way up. I slipped a couple of times, falling back down and lying in my tears and agony for a moment. Then I began my climb to the top again. Once at the top, I searched long and hard for my God-given purpose. I looked hard for it until I realized it was staring at me.

While in the darkness, I gave up on my writing and my dream to publish a book. I thought I was only meant to write short stories for a while. Then one day I found my purpose and realized my writing was my reason for all my suffering. My writing was God’s reason for standing beside me in my darkest days. He knew I could help many with words written in a book, in this blog, and in speeches. I suffered to help and to educate others. My purpose is also to help young people through One Life Project.

Are you sitting at the bottom of your dark hole feeling there is no reason for your existence? If so, dig deep inside yourself for your hidden strength and determination and start climbing towards the light. Are you in the light but have not found your purpose? Sit still, close your eyes, and concentrate. Think about the things you can do, the life you have led, and open your eyes. Then look hard and you’ll find your purpose.

Your struggles and pain are not for nothing. There’s meaning in them. They help you grow and become stronger. They lead you to your reason for living. We struggle so we can stand up tall and do God’s will.

I still tumble into my illness, and at times I stand at the edge of that hole, but I hold on tight to my reason for living and God’s purpose for me. God reaches down to hold me up in the light of recovery.

FADING AWAY

Published on by Aimee Eddy6 Comments

Here with me

But parts of you are

Fading away

I try my hardest

To be strong

I fight my tears knowing

In time more

Of you will fade away

I stand strong for you

But inside I feel weak

Each memory is precious

For so long I have

Leaned on you

Now I must be your rock

I cry when you don’t see

I confide in friends

I find support where I can

I practice self-care

I returned to therapy

As parts of you fade away

I will fight to

Stay in the light

Nurturing myself

Leaning on broad shoulders

Helps me stay in

the light of recovery

SUICIDE AND SELF-INJURY

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Many people don’t understand self-injury or even know anything about it. Many who hurt themselves do so in private and then they hide their injuries from others. It’s hard to understand why people would harm themselves on purpose. It is a misunderstood coping technique. Many people mistake self-injury for a suicide attempt, but it is not. However, suicide is still a risk factor.

Even though those who harm themselves do not injure to take their lives, that doesn’t mean they are not at risk. People who injure are sick and in pain. They have a mental illness, and with mental illness comes the risk of suicide. It’s important to take self-injury seriously. Don’t think it’s a way to get attention, don’t ignore the person, and make a joke about it. Look at it as if the person is suffering and needs help.

When I was self-injuring, I didn’t hurt myself to take my life. The physical pain released my inner pain. I felt so many overwhelming emotions that tore me apart inside. I was in agony. The only thing that eased that pain was hurting myself. Even though hurting myself wasn’t an attempt at suicide, I was suicidal. I suffered with depression, borderline personality disorder, and anxiety. My thoughts raced, I felt hopeless, I thought I was worthless, and I thought I was hurting my family by living.

When I was in college, I wrote a suicide note and planned my death. I thought of ways to take my life. One time I took a bottle of pills and got sick. I lived with my grandparents while I was in college, and my grandma thought I had the flu. I wanted to die because I was very sick. My mind was plagued with an awful illness that distorted my thinking.

No one injures themselves just for attention or for fun. They harm themselves because they have an illness that causes them a lot of emotional pain and suffering. It’s not a game or a joke. Every person who hurts themselves on purpose is suffering from some type of sickness and needs help. If they are hurting themselves, they are also at risk of being or becoming suicidal. So don’t walk away or laugh at them. Take it seriously.

The person might not be thinking about suicide when they are injuring. Self-harming releases endorphins that make the person feel better. The person could just be coping with his or her pain, but he or she is also struggling with a mental illness and can become suicidal at some point. By not ignoring self-injury you maybe saving a person from committing suicide in the future.

If a person shows you his or her injuries or you happen to see them, ask him or her if they would like to talk about it. Be willing to listen without judging. Encourage the person to get help. Tell someone who can help him or her. Don’t minimize the person’s feelings or pain. Look for the phone number for crisis or a helpline.

It took a while before I admitted to my mom I was self-injuring and that I was sick. When I told her, she went to great lengths to get me help. Because of my mom’s determination to get me help, I have not hurt myself in twenty-three years and I am alive. I stand in the light of recovery because I got help.

FIRST THERAPY APPOINTMENT

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Going to your first therapy appointment can be scary and it can make you very nervous. You may wonder if you’re taking the right step, if you will like your therapist, if the therapist any good, or what happens in therapy? Going to a counselor for the first time isn’t easy, and it doesn’t get any easier even when you return to therapy while in recovery. It’s a huge step forward.

Therapy is sitting down with a total stranger to ask for help. Your therapist must make you feel comfortable, gain your trust, and find ways to treat you. You must learn to trust your counselor and find the strength to bare your soul to him or her. Once you feel comfortable with your therapist and he or she gains your trust, you have to tell them everything, even your deepest secrets. If you don’t, he or she can’t help you.

Through the years I have had several therapists. My first therapist told me I was injuring myself to hurt others, and I came home from therapy in tears. I once had a therapist who told me to think happy thoughts and I would feel better. I had another therapist who was very nice but talked a lot about herself. Those were bad therapists, but not all therapists are bad. If you feel uncomfortable with your therapist, or if he or she gives you bad advice or makes you feel worse, then look for another one. Don’t give up.

My favorite therapist was Linda. I came to her after my ex-boyfriend threw me out and I was hospitalized. My whole world seemed to have collapsed before me. I had nothing to hold onto. I was injuring, suicidal, and very depressed. At my first appointment with Linda, she introduced herself and brought me to her office. From the moment I entered her office I felt comfortable. She asked me questions about my illness, about my life, and about my family. I told her about my ex, my loss of friends, my feelings, and a little bit about me with tear filled eyes. Linda had a special way that made it easy to talk to her. It didn’t take long for me to trust her. She incorporated my ability to write into my therapy, she gave me homework, she listened caringly, and she helped me reach recovery.

Last Thursday I returned to therapy after several years without. I should have been a pro at it after years of therapy, but I was still nervous. I desperately wished I could see Linda again, but she changed job sites. I started new with a stranger. Before my appointment, my stomach twisted and my nerves were on edge. Questions filled my head: Will she be good? Can I trust her? Will I feel comfortable with her?

When I got to her office, I filled out some paperwork, and then she took me back to a room. Once we sat down, she asked me to tell her about myself. I told her about my mental health history, about my husband, and about my writing. I even told her about working for One Life Project. She asked me about the people in my life like family and friends. I found out she was recovering from breast cancer, and I told her about my journey with cancer. She said, “We were sisters.” I also found out she was a dog lover like me, and her dogs often come to the office with her.

I felt comfortable with her right away. Talking to her came easily. The hour went by quickly. When she asked if I wanted to come back, I agreed. She told me to think about what I would like to work on with her, and at the next appointment she’ll come up with a treatment plan. I had nothing to be nervous about.

Going to therapy this time is different. I’m not going because I’m very sick. I’m going to make sure I stay in recovery while dealing with my husband’s illness and to find coping techniques. I’ve come a long way since the first time I started therapy way back when I was in college, but staring therapy again was still a bit scary. It’s not easy to start over again with a stranger, but I’m doing it.

Therapy may be scary and nerve wracking but it’s worth it. Asking for help and getting it is the first step towards recovery. You may feel comfortable with your therapist right away or it may take time. Then there’s the chance you don’t feel comfortable with your counselor at all. Don’t give up on therapy. If you don’t like your therapist, keep searching until you find the one that you feel comfortable with.

Because I went back to therapy I am working on keeping myself from slipping down that hole again, and this helps me hold onto the light of recovery.

LETTER TO SUICIDAL SELF

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Dear Sick Aimee,

I remember when you were so sick that you felt life was hopeless. You thought there was no end to the sadness, the inner anguish, the crying spells, the sleepless nights, and the overpowering emotions. You thought the only way to stop it was to take your life. You planned it and you tried but never succeeded. You thought your family and friends would be better without you, but you were wrong.

     I want to thank you for never taking your own life and for your failed plans. If you had committed suicide, you would have missed out on watching your nieces and nephews grow up. Taking them to do fun things, spoiling them, and sharing memories with them. They would never have gotten to know their favorite aunt if you were gone. They would have only heard stories about you. By living you have instead given them love, courage, and many wonderful memories. Since you lived you have been blessed with two great nieces and a great nephew. On Friday you watched your oldest niece get married. It was a wonderful wedding. Your nieces and nephews have been one of the greatest blessings in your life.

     Remember when you wrote out what you wanted to go on your grave, “A lonely soul who couldn’t go on.” Good thing you never had to use it. If you had died, you would have never met the love of your life. On the first date he drew you in with a promise to treat you like a woman, to protect you, and to never hurt you. He swept you away. You couldn’t stop seeing him. He even rode his bike thirty miles to see you. Within just six months of dating, he proposed, and you knew your souls would be one forever.

     What a beautiful wedding it was! You could have missed the best day of your life. The day you said “I do” to the most wonderful man you ever met. The day you pledged your heart and soul to him forever with tears in your eyes. Now you have spent fourteen years of marriage creating memories, sharing your love, standing side by side in ups and downs, and falling more in love each day. You can see the love in his eyes, in the things he does, and how he takes care of you. Wouldn’t it have been so sad if you had missed that?

     Remember when you took a bunch of pills and somehow drove to college in a snowstorm and back without remembering how. God took the wheel for a reason. He drove you to class and back because he had plans for you. Because God kept you alive, you have fought hard and reached recovery. In this blog you write about what you learned in therapy and your journey to recovery. Many have told you how much your posts have helped them. You would have never been able to do that if you took your life. You have written a memoir that will help many when it’s published. Because you are alive, you will soon see your first book published.

     You touch many lives as a cashier. Customers stand in long lines to see you and pray for you as you face health problems and rise above them. Many call you an inspiration because no matter how far down you fall, you always pull yourself up. You have many friends who you’ve touched in many ways. Friends who you call sis, ones who turn to you in a time of need, friends who support you, friends who stand at your side no matter what, and friends who have helped you grow as a writer. What if you missed out on all this? How sad would that have been?

     One time you thought none of this was possible. You thought you would be stuck in your internal hell forever. Look how wrong you were. Your life turned out wonderful because you didn’t succeed at suicide. How could you have ever wanted to miss out on such a wonderful life? You thought you would never feel happiness again and now you are very happy. Yes, you still have bad days, but you have coping techniques and a special support system to get you through. You have struggled with many health problems, but you have a wonderful husband who helped you through them. Your life isn’t perfect, but it is wonderful.

     Thank you, Aimee, for being alive and for pushing forward. You’ve had many challenges and rough times, but you have risen above them. If you were gone you would have never gotten a chance to rise above so much and to write about it. If you took your life, you would have never experienced true love, joy, and love of friends and family.

     Your life is beautiful. Thank you for living it. Thank you, God, for not letting Sick Aimee succeed at suicide. Suicide was never the right answer. I forgive you for being misguided and rejoice in the life you have lived because you never took your life. You stand in the light of recovery a strong, vibrant, and inspirational woman because you chose life.

     Thank you for being alive.

Sincerely,

Aimee standing in the beautiful light of recovery

WHY I CAN’T CONTINUE TO WRITE MY NEXT MEMOIR

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

Life has been especially hard recently. There have been boulders thrown in my way, and I have had to find a way to climb over them or fall down the hole again. Throughout my life there have been a lot of boulders thrown in my path: boulders I had to climb over and ones that left me falling into that dark hole of depression. It took time to climb out of the hole of depression and lots of hard work. I don’t ever want to fall in again. To prevent falling, I must take care of myself daily and especially in hard times.

Since my husband was diagnosed with his illness, I have been unable to work on my next memoir. I can write my blog posts and speeches, but I can’t write my new memoir. My followers and fans keep asking when I will have the next book done, and all I can say is I have to take care of personal business right now. I wanted to get this memoir done in less than four years. My goal was two years, but now I don’t know when I can start writing again.

My husband is independent for the most part, but he needs help with some things. His biggest problem is trying to accept his illness and adjust to his new lifestyle. He lost his driver’s license and his ability to work. He is stuck at home while I am at work. I go out of my way to help him and make things better for him. I assist him with the things he has a hard time with, I take him for rides after I get out of work, and I try to plan things to do on our days off that will get him out of the house. I know eventually he will get worse, and things will get harder, and that scares me, makes me sad, and angry and I feel lost.

A lot of emotions are running through me. I joined an online support group for his illness, but reading the posts scares me even more. I’m trying to wrap my mind around his illness. Everyone tells me I must prepare myself for what is to come, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to think of my husband getting that bad. He’s the love of my life and it’s unfair that he must go through this.

When I go to write my next memoir, the emotions I’m feeling now are mixed up with the past. To write my new memoir I have to relive painful memories. To do that I have to be emotionally strong enough to handle it. Right now, I don’t feel strong enough to add another layer of pain and emotions onto the ones I’m dealing with. I’m not strong enough for two layers of emotions and pain. I can’t work through the past when I’m struggling with the present.

I start seeing a therapist on the July 30. I get four free sessions through my job before my insurance takes over. The cost of co-pays and my deductible will determine how long I can afford to continue with therapy. If anything, I’m hoping the therapist will teach me a few coping techniques that will guide me through handling my husband’s illness. If I can’t afford to continue with therapy with her, I’m hoping she can suggest other alternatives.

I’m also trying coping techniques I’ve already learned to help me deal with what is happening. I need to find a way to get through my emotions so I can write in my memoir again. I’m journaling, I’m leaning on my support team, and I’m practicing self-care.

Taking these steps to deal with my emotions and working towards being able to write in my memoir again helps me stay in the light of recovery.

KNOWING WHEN YOU NEED HELP

Published on by Aimee Eddy2 Comments

Recovery from mental illness happens when you learn to handle your illness with coping techniques and medicine. This doesn’t mean you will never struggle again and that you’re cured. There is no cure to mental illness. There will be times when things get hard and you feel like you need extra help. You might stumble towards that hole again, and an extra hand will help you stay in the light.

Lou and I were thrown for a loop with Lou’s illness. Especially Lou. His independence was taken from him when he lost his license, and the symptoms of his illness frustrate him. Being told you can’t drive ever again has to be hard. He is stuck at home a lot while I work. With his illness comes depression. I have been trying to make things easier on him, taking him for rides after I get out of work, planning things for us to do on my days off, taking him out to lunch before I have to work late, and so on. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do for him, it’s not enough. He’s sad and I know it, but he won’t admit it.

Everyone tells me I have to prepare myself for the future when his illness gets worse. I joined an online support group, but reading people’s posts about their family members going through the same illness is scary and upsetting to me. I don’t know how to handle things. He’s not really bad right now. He needs some help with things, but he’s independent at this point. His worst problem now is depression.

I want to be strong for him, and I want to make his life enjoyable while I still can, but in the process of doing that, I have neglected to practice self-care. I have put him first above my own well-being and this has led to some problems. I realize that I too am important, and to navigate his illness and stay in recovery I need help. I decided to return to therapy.

This wasn’t an easy decision. Going back to therapy feels like I have fallen backwards. I have gone many years without therapy, relying on my support team, coping techniques, and medication to keep me in recovery. It has worked well for me until now. I have been turning to my support team, but I feel like I need more guidance. I’m not depressed, but I am lost, scared, and frustrated. I want to prevent myself from becoming depressed again.

It’s hard to ask for help again when I have been doing well for a long time. It feels like I have failed myself somehow, but I haven’t. I haven’t fallen down the hole again, but I need to do some maintenance on my illness to assure I don’t fall. I need to learn to balance being there for my husband and taking care of myself. I need to find a way to prepare myself for the worst.

Since my husband was diagnosed with his illness, I stopped working on my next book, I’m way behind on housework, I stopped journaling regularly, and I don’t take care of myself as well as I should. I need help finding away to change this and put a healthy balance in my life. A therapist can help me work on ways of doing this and help me prepare for what is to come. I’m doing this to make sure I stay in recovery.

It’s okay to ask for help when life gets hard and when you feel like your recovery is in jeopardy. It’s alright to fall and need help to get back on your feet. It doesn’t mean you failed. Part of recovery is knowing when you need extra help and being able to seek it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone needs help from time to time.

Sometimes life gets hard, and you may seek extra help to get through the rough times, and that’s okay. That is what therapists are there for. You need to take measures to protect your recovery, and that is part of self-care.

When you’re in recovery, you can be doing well for a very long time. You’re happy, productive, and doing well; then suddenly a large rock is thrown in your path. You try to go around the rock, but there are too many potholes, you try to climb over it, but you keep sliding down, and you have a choice to fall in the potholes or ask for help to climb over the rock. The best choice you can make to take care of yourself is to get that help.

I have a program through work which is helping me find a therapist. I’m taking each day step by step to stay in the light of recovery.

SELF-INJURY AND STIGMA

Published on by Aimee Eddy4 Comments

Due to the news, TV shows, and society’s misinformed ideas, there is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. Because of this, many who are struggling do so in silence, fearing what others would think of them. The sad part is many never get the help they need and end up using unhealthy coping techniques like drugs, alcohol, and self-injury. The problem is that stigma follows the unhealthy coping techniques too.

Self-injury is plagued with stigma and myths. People do not understand what it is, and they make untrue assumptions about it. Those assumptions leave the one self-harming feeling scared and alone.

Below are some myths that lead to the stigma surrounding self-injury.

  • It’s done for attention. Many think people hurt themselves just so others will feel sorry for them and give them the attention they desire. This is completely untrue. Self-injury is an unhealthy coping technique, a sign someone is struggling, and a silent call for help. It is often hidden so as not to bring attention to oneself.
  • It’s a suicide attempt. Self-injurers are not hurting themselves as a means to take their lives. It’s not a failed attempt at suicide. They are doing it to control powerful emotions, to feel something, or to punish themselves.
  • It’s done to hurt others. The only person the self-harmer wants to hurt is himself or herself. They have no intention to hurt anyone else. They usually hide their injuries under long sleeves or do it on parts of their bodies where no one can see it. If he or she shows his or her injuries, the person is telling you he or she is really struggling and needs help.
  • The injurer likes pain. Just because the person harms him or herself does not mean he or she likes pain. Many do not like pain at all, but they don’t know any other way to deal with their illness. The injury is a temporary relief and often the harmer feels guilty, ashamed, and sad afterwards. If a self-harmer gets an unintentional injury and needs stitches, he or she still needs to be numb. They don’t willingly want that kind of pain.
  • It’s caused by past abuse. It’s not done because a person was abused in the past. People who have never been abused self-injure. Anyone with a mental illness may turn to self-harm as an unhealthy coping technique or as a cry for help.
  • The self-injurer is crazy. People who harm themselves are not crazy. People with mental illness are often referred to as crazy when they are not. The dictionary defines crazy as mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild, aggressive way. People who injure and have a mental illness do not fit this description. They are struggling with an illness like any other illness, except it’s of the mind. They are in no way deranged.
  • Ignore self-injurers and they will stop. They may stop eventually with the right help, but you should never ignore them. The self-harmer is crying out for help and is silently struggling with something awful. Acknowledge that the person is struggling and help him or her find someone that can help the person. By ignoring them, you are telling them you don’t care, and this leads to more isolation and pain. Be supportive.

The best thing you can do for a friend or family member who is struggling with mental illness and self-harming is to educate yourself, be supportive, encourage him or her to find help, and be willing to help them get help. Don’t believe stigma or myths. Look for the truth. Knowing the facts can save a person from struggling alone.

The more we know about self-harming and the more strugglers tell their stories, the better we can fight stigma. We need to open doors so we can talk about this illness without judgment. Then maybe more strugglers will get the help they need.

It took me a while to ask for help with my self-injuring. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t know how to ask for help. When I finally asked for help, I found it and have not injured in twenty-three years. I stand in the light of recovery with healthy coping techniques.

COPING TECHNIQUES FOR THOSE WHO SELF-HARM

Published on by Aimee EddyLeave a comment

Recently I was asked to write a keynote speech for One Life Project’s online conference in August. When Alex Kavarovic asked me to write it, the subject of the speech came to me instantly: self-harm. Self-injuring happens frequently among teens and college students, and it’s a bad coping technique that is very hard to change. To stop injuring oneself, a struggler must find new and healthy coping techniques.

I was once a self-injurer. I had a lot of painful emotions inside me, and the only way I knew how to release them was to hurt myself. It wasn’t until I found the right therapist that I learned healthier ways to cope with my emotions. It was a challenge to give up self-injury; I was addicted to it as if it were a drug, but with new coping techniques I soon found I no longer needed it.

Below are some coping techniques to replace self-harming.

  • Express your feelings in a creative way. Find some way that you can release your feelings using different kinds of art like drawing, journaling, or dancing.
  • Keep a self-harm journal. In a self-harm journal write how you are feeling before you hurt yourself. List your emotions. Then after you injure write how you are feeling once the rush of the injury has gone away. Do you feel shame, anger at yourself, more depressed, or anxious? Look at your entry and ask yourself, “Was hurting myself worth it?” Then list healthy coping techniques you can try next time.
  • Change negative thoughts into positive ones. If you think, “I am a worthless person who ruins everyone’s lives,” change that to “I’m a good person who is important to many people.” You can take a piece of paper and fold it in half and put negative thoughts at the top of one side and on the other side write positive thoughts.
  • Talk to someone you trust. It’s important to build a supportive system of friends and family you can talk to when you feel the need to injure yourself. It’s very helpful to talk out your feelings and have someone help you find different ways to cope.
  • Go for a walk or do exercises. Walking and exercising are very good for your mental health. They give you something physical to do to release your pain. Ride a bike, do jumping jacks, lift weights, go for a run, and so on. When you walk, go briskly. Work out those emotions with each exercise or step.
  • Set a goal to stop injuring. Set a small goal at first, like going one week without harming yourself. When you make it to that one week, celebrate by having dinner with friends, treating yourself to something special, or buying a cake. After completing a week keep adding to your goal, two weeks, a month, or a year. Celebrate each time you reach your goal. In time you will go years without hurting yourself.
  • Write affirmations. Write positive things about yourself and your life. Put positive things about yourself on notecards, and put them where you’ll see and read them each day. Start a journal just for affirmations.
  • Seek help. Therapists can teach you different ways to cope with self-injury, give you someone to talk with, and guide you in putting an end to self-harm. It may be hard to find a good therapist who makes you feel comfortable. Don’t give up. Make sure you ask your therapist if he or she has experience helping others who self-injure.

Learning healthy coping techniques will help you overcome self-harm. You can break away from the shame, silent struggle, hiding your wounds, and the endless cycle of agony. Try these coping techniques. Practice them regularly until you no longer need to hurt yourself. You can reach recovery.

Because I practice these techniques and incorporate them in my life, I have gone 23 years without self-harm. I stand in the light of recovery with pride.

HOW FAR I’VE COME

Published on by Aimee Eddy3 Comments

I’m sitting here trying to think of something to write for a blog post. I decided to just write. Life seems to be especially hard right now. I’m emotionally supporting my husband, my sister, and my parents when they need me. I have a lot of emotions running through me and I have not been able to work on my next book. As I go through this trying time, I look back on how far I have come, and I have come a long way.

There was a time when I was at the bottom of the dark hole of my illness that I couldn’t make a simple decision, let alone take care of myself. I couldn’t see past my own inner agony to see that others in my life had struggles of their own. I couldn’t support others. Everything was too overwhelming. My inner pain was so deep that I could barely exist.

I wasn’t a good friend, daughter, or sibling. There were times I lashed out at my parents and siblings just because I was suffering. There were times when my mom was going through something, and I got mad at her for not listening to me. I broke out into fits of rage saying awful things and throwing things.

My best friend was in an abusive relationship and struggling with her own emotions, but I was stuck in my darkness and didn’t give her the support she needed. Instead she became my lifeline, talking me down when I wanted to die or self-injure. She even pulled me out of the road when I wanted to take my life. She listened, she supported me, she saved me, and I was unable to do the same for her.

Several years later I am in recovery. She supports me and I support her. I have other friends that I give back to. I am now strong enough to be there for my parents as they grow older and my dad struggles with bone cancer. I’m helping my husband through an awful illness, and I’m helping my sister get help for an eye condition she has. At one time I could have never done all of this. If this would have happened when I was at my lowest, I would have needed to go into the hospital.

I often think of my future. If I can no longer take care of my husband or he passes, am I well enough to live alone? Would I be okay by myself? I tell my husband that when he passes I will die of a broken heart because I could never live without him. I’m beginning to think with the support of friends and family, I may be able to some day in the way future live on my own.

There is no cure for mental illness and some days I really struggle, but I get through the bad days. It’s important to take my medications, practice self-care, use coping techniques, have a support system, and know my limitations. It took years of therapy and hard work to get this far, but I’m proud of myself. I have more good days than bad days now. I’m helping others, I’m a good daughter, a good sibling, and a good friend.

If you think there is no end to your inner pain and you’ll never get better, you’re wrong. There is a light above the hole. Keep climbing and reaching for it. You have a happy future waiting for you and there is a lot you can accomplish if you keep fighting. You can reach recovery, too.

Hard work, the right medication, and determination got me to where I am now. I’m now standing in the light of recovery as a strong woman.